My relationship is in the danger zone.
My girlfriend and I are so close to breaking up that I expect it to come literally any second.
In the past, I’ve noticed a lot of things she does that drive us apart and undermine our connection…
But lately, I had a really disturbing realization about how I’m also to blame and it got me thinking about things in a whole new way.
Basically now I’m wondering what if I’m the problem in my relationship from feeling insecure?
Here are 10 key signs that your insecurity is wrecking your relationship
If your insecurities and issues are starting to become a problem it can sink even a loving relationship.
Here are 10 ways to tell if it’s actually your insecurity that’s starting to sabotage you and your partner.
1) You take everything personally
If your partner tells you that you’re a piece of garbage, bad in bed, and will never find anyone new then of course you would take that personally.
How could you not?
But when situations inevitably arise that are frustrating or hard on you like missed dates, challenges in your partner’s life, and so on – there is no reason to take that personally.
So there are some problems in your relationship or your partner isn’t completely happy?
So work on it if you can, don’t get all offended, and take it personally.
Like relationship expert Sylvia Smith says:
“Insecurities are tough suckers to get rid of. They are the lice of your emotional stability – Annoying and really hard to banish. Building your self-esteem is the only way to get rid of your insecurities (or at least, keep them at bay.)”
2) Your expectations are causing issues
There’s nothing wrong with thinking about the future or your relationship goals.
The problem happens when your expectations start to overshadow reality and you get so wrapped up in expectations for yourself and your partner that you forget to enjoy and live in the present.
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We’re all blessed to be here now.
So enjoy that! We never know what tomorrow might bring and you can’t find self-esteem and certainty by putting all your money on some ideal future outcome.
3) You’re not able to have fun on your own
One of the top ways to know if your insecurities are sinking your relationship is to be honest about how you are on your own.
Do you turn into a useless couch potato and sit around waiting for your partner to come back?
Or do you get active, accomplish goals, love life, and dominate?
There’s no person who really wants to be with someone that hates their life and does nothing when they’re on their own.
That’s just a basic rule of life.
4) You get lonely and depressed easily
All of us have ups and downs, but if you get lonely and depressed easily it’s like tying a 50-pound weight around your relationship and telling it to swim.
It’s going to be damn hard and eventually, you’re going to start to drown.
If you get lonely and depressed easily – especially when your partner isn’t around – then you need to take a long, hard look at your expectations and how you feel about yourself.
How can someone else love being around you if you don’t love being around yourself?
The road to finding true love and intimacy is built on questions like this.
5) You find yourself often feeling jealous
Being insecure is a lot like always having a shitty friend called Self Doubt shadowing you wherever you go.
It whispers that you’re not good enough, that you’re going to end up alone, and that your girlfriend isn’t satisfied with you.
As you can imagine, this easily turns into jealousy.
Jealousy is basically something that affects insecure people the most.
Because you feel inadequate you wonder if your partner is going behind your back.
And that fear quickly can turn into an obsession where almost nothing will satisfy you that she’s being faithful and your partner will eventually leave you because of your domineering and unhealthy attitude.
6) You’re obsessed with results and the future
Like I wrote, caring about the future is perfectly fine. And wanting your relationship to work out is great – I hope it does better than mine!
But when you get obsessed with results and the future you end up creating all sorts of uncomfortable emotions, expectations, and insecurities in the relationship.
You can’t stake your wellbeing and hopes on some remote idea or conviction.
You need to be here now and work on the present day’s challenges. Get out of your head!
7) You keep asking her how she feels
When you’re insecure you need constant validation and reminders. Or at least you think you do.
So you may find yourself often asking your partner how she feels about you, about the relationship, and about the future.
Let’s be honest:
If you were secure in yourself and what you have to offer you wouldn’t be demanding that she pacify you every few days.
8) You often compare yourself with other couples
My advice is to save comparisons for when you’re shopping for a washer and dryer. If you’re comparing yourself as a couple with other couples it’s a sign of deep insecurity and its starts to erode what you have with your partner.
Maybe you’re “better” or “worse” than other couples in various ways.
But you’re you.
Once you start measuring and assessing like some kind of appraiser you end up making the relationship subject to all sorts of pressures and superficial benchmarks.
It’s not good at all.
9) You never give your partner enough space
Insecurity leads to you not feeling happy on your own, and it also leads to crowding your significant other.
If you never give your partner enough space and depend on them to supply all the companionship and enjoyment in your life you end up ruining a good thing.
It also gives your partner all sorts of time to end up getting a bit sick of you.
And that’s the last thing you want to happen.
10) You’re unsure about how strong your relationship is
Asking your partner how they feel constantly is a sign of insecurity that can sink a relationship.
And the basic motivation behind it is enough to turn you into a bad partner.
It’s being unsure about how strong your relationship is.
Let’s be clear: there’s only so much control you have and you can’t always know how your partner is feeling. That’s a fact.
But if you do your best and put your full heart into everything you need to trust that the right person is going to respect and value that.
Doubting and questioning where you’re at as a couple all the time is going to sabotage everything, unfortunately.
Here are 5 action steps to take to fix it
Nobody just wants to be told what the problem is, they want solutions!
So here you go.
1) Get your shit together
Many of us are prepared to do anything to change except own our shit.
That means accepting that even the problems we don’t have control over are up to us in how we respond to them.
Job loss, illness, mental health challenges, all of it.
Take ownership, minimize the focus on blame or your victim status and work on yourself relentlessly.
Heed the words of life coach Rick Clemons when he says that:
“Even if you say you don’t want the excuses to get in the way, they do until you realize you create these excuses and you’re the culprit. I’m not pointing fingers, just stating the facts!”
2) Exercise, breath, relax
Many of our worst problems are magnified and made permanent when we spend too much time inside our heads.
Getting into your body breathing, exercising, and learning to flow with the rhythm of life is a major step towards healing the kind of insecurities that often demand our attention and try to drag us into a self-defeating narrative.
Skip the mental noise and learn to just be.
While we’re on the subject, I highly recommend this free Ybytu shamanic breathwork masterclass led by the shaman Rudá Iandê.
3) Stop playing the expectation game
We can’t depend on the future to give us a hit of dopamine and make everything feel effortless.
Setting your sights and hopes on the future isn’t going to fix your insecurity.
Learning to set realistic goals and accept your limits of control will help lessen the insecurity.
As I wrote, do your best and give it your full heart always knowing that you’re only half the equation and you can’t control your partner or force things to work out.
4) Take off the rose-colored glasses
Love is something special, but it’s never going to be a magic potion that just “fixes” us or makes life perfect.
You need to take off the rose-colored glasses and realize that life is hard for everyone.
Even that “perfect couple” you see on TV is bickering behind closed doors.
And the ideal love story you thought of growing up is actually a devoted couple who breaks down when one gets cancer.
The sooner you face the truth about the difficulty and disappointments of life the more your insecurities begin to fade as you stop looking for fairy tale versions of love and prepare yourself for the real – far mellower – thing.
5) Turn the tables – on yourself
What if I’m the problem in my relationship from feeling insecure?
It’s a question that’s worth asking even if you don’t end up liking the answer.
And the best way to really find out the truth is to turn the tables on yourself and imagine how you would feel if you were dating yourself.
How would your words, behavior, moods, and attitudes make “you” feel?
Would you sense a feeling of desperation and insecurity in your doppelganger or would their behavior more or less be that of a healthy person in a relationship?