We all know that one person who fakes their way through life. While you might secretly hope that you are wrong about someone like that, it’s not hard to tell when someone is being fake. But what are the consequences of such a relationship?
For starters, when someone isn’t being themselves, you can never fully trust them. That means you can’t trust them with your information or problems, and you probably can’t share your good news with them either.
Someone who is constantly pretending to care or trying to please people can take their toll on you. So if you suspect that someone in your life is faking it, think about moving on.
Life’s too short to waste time on friends or even family members who pretend to care more than they do. It’s especially too short to have fake friends.
Here are 10 signs of fake people.
1) Fake people make plans they don’t keep.
Have you ever run into an old friend on the street and they instantly want to make plans to meet up for coffee? They are so excited to see you and talk about all the great things they are doing, but then… no call. No coffee. The call never comes.
This is a real problem in society: people make commitments they never intend to keep. It’s a real testament to the type of person you are dealing with here.
2) Fake people are only around when it’s convenient for them.
You might never hear from that friend on the street again until they need something from you. They might call and ask you for a favor, or they will call and ask you to join them at the mall – but you need to drive because their car is in the shop.
Perhaps they invite you to dinner because another friend bailed and they already had reservations. See how that kind of pattern develops? It’s not good. You’re not at anyone’s beckoned call.
3) Fake people disappear when you need them most.
Disappearing acts are common among fake people. They hang around when they get what they need from you, but the minute you need something from them, they bail.
They can’t even fathom missing out on their lives to help another person in need. And it doesn’t have to be a life-altering need, it could as simple as asking for a ride to pick up your car at the service station. After all, you’d do it for them.
4) Fake people don’t listen when you talk.
Oh sure, they pretend to listen but they are on their phones, updating statuses, or talking to someone else while they are sitting right in front of you. They don’t actually listen when they aren’t on their phone either.
They’ll space out or make some off-the-cuff comment that tells you they aren’t really listening. This is an exhausting kind of relationship and one you don’t need.
5) Fake people pretend not to be upset about things.
Anyone who says they never get mad or angry at anything or anyone is full of it. Of course, everyone gets mad at something.
But when fake people are deep undercover in their personas they’ve worked so hard to craft, it’s all part of the plan to make people think they are something they are not.
Come on now, everyone gets mad at something!
(Buddhism has an incredible amount to teach us about developing healthy relationships with people. In my new eBook, I use iconic Buddhist teachings to provide no-nonsense suggestions for living a better life. Check it out here).
6) Fake people are never around or available.
You call and call and they never return your calls. You show up, but they are busy. You run into them on the street, but they are late for a meeting. They can’t come to your party because of work.
There’s always some reason or another about why this person doesn’t want to hang out with you, but constantly tells you they can’t wait to see you again.
What’s up with that? It’s called being fake. They don’t have the balls to tell you they don’t want to be friends. Take the hint and move on.
7) Fake people talk about you behind your back.
It stings when you find out that someone has been talking about you behind your back, especially when it’s someone you thought was your friend.
Of course, we can never really know anyone: only what they allow us to see. But we hope that most people are genuine in their portrayal of themselves and their friendships. Sometimes, though, we are wrong.
8) Fake people are extreme – hot and cold without warning.
They are nice one second and then bitter and mean the next second. This is a real sign that someone is fake because it takes a lot of time and energy to keep up a fake persona.
This usually starts to crack after a while and simple conversations or events can set someone off that shows their true colors.
9) Fake people never initiate a conversation, coffee date, or hang-out.
They don’t call you and invite you anywhere. They are always hanging out with other people, and they often neglect to engage you in the friendship. By all accounts, that’s not a friendship, so take stock and move on.
10) Fake people pretend to try to please everyone.
Fake people are in a constant state of juggling balls that they can’t possibly keep in the air – they will try to say yes to everyone because they can’t stand rejection or the idea that they might not actually be able to do everything they say they can.
Instead, they promise things, say yes, and then many people are left out in the cold when the fake person doesn’t deliver. Keep an eye out for these kinds of people and start the process of replacing them with people you can trust and can get to know for real.
11) Fake people only pay attention to those in positions of power.
If someone is fake, they are likely looking for an easy answer or the easiest route to the top.
You’ll often see people in your work setting who prove to be fake because they only care about things when the boss comes around. They are the quintessential brown-nosers and once you are on to these people, it’s not hard to confirm your suspicions.
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12) Fake people work overtime to build or find relationships.
When someone is being genuine, it’s easy to become friends with them, and it’s even easier to find yourself attracted to them. This is because, as you might come to find out, most people are not really showing you their true selves, so when you do find someone who is being real, you’ll find it incredibly enticing.
So watch for people who have to work really hard to connect with other people. Fake people have a really hard time making friends and more importantly, keeping them. It usually doesn’t take long for people to find out that they are not who they said they were.
(If you want to find out how to create genuine relationships, check out our free salon where the shaman Rudá Iandê explains how to find your soul mate. The salon is hosted by Ideapod founder Justin Brown, Rudá sharing three key life lessons about living with purpose and meaning. One of these lessons is about finding true love. Learn more here.)
13) Fake people seek attention to validate themselves.
That sentence says it all. If you encounter someone who is constantly seeking other people’s attention or approval, it is usually because they need confirmation that the person they are acting like is liked by others.
Genuine people show up and show you who they are, but fake people need you to buy into the story they are telling and if you aren’t paying attention to them, it tells them you aren’t buying their act and it turns everything upside down in their world.
Need to test a fake person? Ignore them and see what happens.
14) Fake people distract from their fakeness with gossip.
A sure sign that someone is being fake is if they spend most of their time talking about other people, and we’re not talking about good conversation.
We’re talking about gossip, the most destructive kind of conversation there is. If you find yourself face to face with a good ol’ fashioned gossip at the office, over coffee, or on the street, there’s a good chance they are trying to distract you with someone else’s nonsense so you don’t see theirs.
15) Fake people like to show off in front of other people.
Whether they know the group of people or not, someone who is trying hard to be anyone but who they really are is going to show off so that people believe the act they are putting on for everyone.
It’s troublesome and frankly, kind of awkward when you realize someone is showing off so that people don’t get to know the real them. It’s hard to imagine someone would want you to believe untrue things about them, but lots of people do it.
16) Fake people say bad things about other people.
Similar to gossip, saying bad things about other people is a great way to distract from their own crap lives and make you think that they have their acts together.
It’s a game of cat and mouse in the truest sense: they spit out some bullshit about someone and you chase after that information trying to validate it instead of trying to validate their story.
How to deal with fake people: 7 no-nonsense tips
We’ve all met people we can tell are faking it, whether at work or at home.
Do you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you meet someone and it feels like there is something off about them?
If you get that feeling, you are probably right.
People who are fake are putting on a show for a number of reasons. It can be really hard to be around someone who is playing a part of trying to be something they are not.
So how can you deal with someone who is fake?
Here’s how you can handle fake people in your life so that you can move on to bigger and better things.
1) Distance is key.
The best way to deal with fake people is to just keep them out of your life, to begin with.
If you get a bad vibe from someone, don’t stick around to see if you are right about them. Our intuition has a good way of letting us know when something is wrong.
We don’t always know why, but it’s important to trust our instincts. If a fake person has made their way into your life and you are feeling stuck with them, be sure to keep your distance from them.
This may be difficult if the person is a close co-worker, but do your best to stay non-attached in what they are doing and don’t pay attention to them when they are looking for the spotlight.
2) Limit your engagement.
If you can’t keep them out of your life, don’t ask questions and don’t engage. Let them have the floor and don’t give them the attention they want while they have it.
This is really a case of choice. If you ignore them long enough and they don’t get what they want, they will go away. It might be awkward, but it is necessary sometimes to cut people out of your life completely. It’s what’s best for you and your sanity. Fake people are toxic and dangerous.
3) Remember, it’s not about you.
The way fake people act has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Remember, they are trying to prove something to themselves and others, but when they don’t get the validation from other people, they are more likely to walk away.
Don’t engage in any interactions if you can avoid it and keep reminding yourself that they aren’t lying to you, they are lying to themselves.
And while it might be frustrating to deal with this kind of person, remember that they are the ones who are really suffering.
4) Keep it above board.
Whatever you do, don’t stoop to their level. Don’t lower yourself to participate in whatever it is that they are doing. It’s hard enough sorting your own stuff out and you don’t need to take on a project of trying to wrangle those cats into the pen.
If the fake person is talking about people or trying to change perceptions, just ignore it.
You don’t have to engage them to make them feel good about themselves. In fact, that just makes it worse. Validation means they can continue to act that way.
5) Point it out.
When all else fails, you can point out the fact that you think the person is fake and you don’t appreciate the misrepresentation they are making about themselves.
You can explain the kind of position their behavior puts you in and that you aren’t going to tolerate it anymore. They will most certainly try to turn the mirror on you so be ready for some backlash.
Just like narcissistic people, you can’t fix chronic liars, which is what fake people are: liars.
6) Dig deeper.
If this person is close to you and you feel like you might be able to get through to them, ask some light and topical questions about why they act the way they do and offer to help them work through some of the things they bring up.
If they don’t offer anything, don’t probe. If you’ve made a concerted effort to help them recognize their behavior and they aren’t acknowledging it or making an effort to change, you’ll be better off moving on.
7) Ask for advice.
If someone is close to you and an important part of your life, you may want to seek some professional help for dealing with your thoughts and feelings related to this person’s behavior.
Despite their best efforts, fake people can’t make you feel anything. They can’t make you adopt a thought or feel a feeling. Only you can do that.
So if you find yourself feeling frustrated with a fake person, remember that those are your thoughts about that person and not the other way around. You need to be responsible for how you react just as much as they need to be responsible for how they act.
There are lots of ways to tell if someone is being fake, not the least of which is if you get that feeling in your stomach that something’s just not right.
If you get a yucky feeling in your belly about someone, it’s highly unlikely that you are wrong. Trust your gut when you meet people and if you find that someone is talking about everything except themselves, there’s a good chance it’s because they don’t want you to know anything about them.
It’s a charade and it takes a lot of work to keep it going. Watch for the distractions and avoidances in your conversations and you’ll be able to tell for sure whether someone is fake or not.
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