10 big signs an avoidant loves you (and what to do now)

Does an avoidant love you? If you don’t know the answer to that question, it may be time to do some exploring.

In case you’re not sure what your partner’s thoughts are on the relationship, there are some more concrete signs you can watch out for.

But what if an avoidant loves you? Understanding your partner’s feelings and needs is a key element to building a successful relationship.

However, knowing what to do next is a little trickier and requires a deeper understanding.

For your relationship to work, you’ll need to get a grip on your partner’s unique personality type or attachment style, while also understanding yourself.

So, let’s talk about the signs that show an avoidant person loves you and see what you could do next.

But first,

What is an avoidant?

To figure out whether an avoidant loves you or not, you should first understand a few things about this person.

First of all, let me tell you that there is a difference between an avoidant personality disorder and an avoidant attachment style. Some people who have an avoidant attachment style do not necessarily have this personality disorder.

Second of all, an avoidant person is simply someone who has trouble getting close to people. He or she is not comfortable with emotional involvement and might even prefer being alone, away from a crowd.

What are the characteristics of an avoidant?

An avoidant is someone who:

  • Is uncomfortable with emotional intimacy;
  • Can be pessimistic, shy, and unsure of himself or herself;
  • Is very self-sufficient, even though he or she may want a partner.
  • Is afraid of rejection and abandonment, as well as vulnerability and closeness.

Even though avoidants can be quite independent, they still need companionship and love.

And, since they’re not very good at displaying affection, you may want to watch out for signs that an avoidant loves you.

Here are 10 signs that an avoidant loves you

1) They tell you one of their secrets

Sharing secrets is a sign of closeness in any relationship. So, if an avoidant tells you one of his or her secrets, it probably means that they trust you enough to be close.

In the case of avoidants, secrets can be quite difficult to share. Why?

For example, they might not want to feel vulnerable in front of you. Or they might be afraid of being judged by you.

Whatever the reason, if an avoidant tells you something private, do not take this lightly!

This might be a sign that they’re in love with you.

Note this: the smallest secret counts.

If an avoidant tells you anything from their past, it’s usually a sign that they want to open up to you.

2) They are affectionate in an awkward way

Does he or she show affection in a non-traditional way? If they do, it could very well be a sign that they love you.

For example, instead of giving you a kiss, they might pat your head or ruffle your hair. Or maybe they might put their arm on your shoulder instead of wrapping their arms around your waist. It all depends on the person and their preferences.

However, don’t expect them to do so in public. How so?

An avoidant can be shy and awkward with affection, so it might be better for them to do their special show of affection at home.

In fact, some avoidants might not even want to hold hands or hug you in public (even if they love you).


Relationship coaching - done online

Find a personal coach and get relationship advice specific to your situation. Take a quiz, get matched, and start getting support via phone or video sessions. Affordable pricing + discounts available.

100,000+ helpedAvailable 24/764,000 five-star reviews

3) You are patient with them and don’t rush them

This sign can also reveal an avoidant’s feelings for you. How come?

If you’re patient with an avoidant, it means that you are giving them exactly what they need.

Let me explain:

An avoidant needs time to open up and share his or her feelings.

As a result, avoidants are often afraid of becoming too close to anyone. They might even be more fearful of being vulnerable than you might think.

So if you’re patient with an avoidant and you don’t rush him or her into anything, this might be a sign that you’re the one for them.

Why? A patient person will never demand that they pick up their pace.

That’s exactly what an avoidant needs in a relationship.

4) They initiate spending time with you

Want to know another big sign an avoidant loves you? They initiate spending time with you.

To understand this point, you must know that avoidants like spending time alone. They often prefer to be alone rather than spend time with a romantic partner.

The reason is that avoidants are often uncertain of whom they can trust and don’t want to be judged by you.

So, if he or she asks you to do something together, it could be a sign of closeness.

However, don’t expect anything exciting to happen.

An avoidant will probably choose to hang out with you in quiet, calm places. Or, they might just want to spend some time reading a book (something they enjoy doing).

5) You don’t threaten their independence

Listen, there is much more you need to know about your avoidant partner.

For example, being independent or feeling like they are is very important for an avoidant.

Trust me, avoidants like to “do their own thing” and want to feel independent in a relationship. This is more apparent if they’ve been in a past codependent relationship.

A codependent relationship, according to shaman Ruda Iande’s Love & Intimacy masterclass, is where two people play the role of the ‘needy’ and the ‘savior.’ They depend on each other unhealthily, and without the other, they have no purpose.

And this person might’ve developed an avoidant attachment style because they don’t want to fall back into this codependent trap.

So if things end up like this between you two, they might become uncomfortable and begin to pull away from you.

If you don’t want to repeat their codependent history, perhaps Ruda’s free Love and Intimacy Masterclass is just what you need.

6) They are not afraid to be physical with you

Although an avoidant may not be comfortable with affection, they still might want to be intimate.

In fact, when an avoidant loves someone, they’re much more able to get physically close to them.

So, if you enjoy a satisfying sex life with your avoidant, it could be a sign that they’re in love with you.

This might not seem like a big deal to you. However, avoidants are not the most physical people.

Remember: many of them are even too shy to hold hands in public. That’s why a passionate, physical relationship is a sign that they love you.

7) They talk about what bothered them at work

Why is this a sign that an avoidant loves you?

You might think that talking about what bothers us throughout the day is a common thing to do.

Well, it is for most of us, but not for an avoidant. How so?

Another thing you should know about your avoidant partner is that he or she has a hard time being genuine about how they really feel.

Usually, when something makes them feel stressed or anxious, they appear calm and centered. They act this way because they don’t want others to think they’re weak or notice any sign of weakness in them.

But if they do share what bothers them with you, it can be a sign that they’re in love with you.

This might seem hard to believe. But trust me: you’ll know because your avoidant will open up to you much more often than usual. You will notice the difference.

8) They become more and more emotionally available

What does it really mean to be emotionally available?

To put it simply, it means being able to be close to people without worrying about what they might think of you or that they might hurt you.

What are the signs of emotional availability in an avoidant?

  • They’re not afraid to show their emotions;
  • They’re not afraid to be vulnerable;
  • They’re not afraid to ask for help or support;

So if you’ve noticed that your avoidant partner is becoming emotionally available, it’s a big sign they love you.

9) They embrace your differences and acknowledge them

Why is this important?

It’s important because the thing about avoidants is that they try to perfect themselves and avoid anything that might make them feel insecure or weak.

So if your partner is embracing your differences, it’s a sign that he or she loves you. In fact, it means they’re willing to make your relationship work even if you have differences.

Some of these differences may seem small (like having different tastes in music) but they can make a huge difference in your relationship.

Other examples are different political views or religious beliefs.

Now you might be wondering how can acknowledging differences is related to the fact that an avoidant is in love with you.

Well, the truth is that being in touch with your inner self is a part of healthy and fulfilling relationships.

And if he embraces differences in you, chances are that he’s built a healthy relationship with himself as well.

pexels pavel danilyuk 6073793 10 big signs an avoidant loves you (and what to do now)

An avoidant loves you. What now?

The signs point to one thing: your avoidant partner loves you.

And you know what? That’s a good thing.

However, to keep him or her close to you, you must make sure you’re doing everything right.

So, let’s recap what you need to do:

1) You still need to have patience

Patience is essential in a relationship with an avoidant.

Remember, this is a person who has had trust issues for most of his or her life. So, it won’t be easy for them to adapt to your pace.

2) You must be honest and transparent

Honesty and transparency are crucial aspects of a healthy relationship, especially when dealing with an avoidant partner.

So, try to detach yourself from any drama that may have taken place in the past. This is the only way you can let your avoidant do the same.

3) You should be genuine and encourage them to be the same

Remember that most avoidants are overly-sensitive and this is why they’re constantly stressed.

So if you want your avoidant partner to become even closer to you, it’s essential for you to tell him or her how you feel without pretending. This will help them feel comfortable being open with you too.

4) You still need to respect their boundaries

Although an avoidant will be more open to you, he or she still needs his or her own space sometimes.

So, don’t try to control them. Respect their boundaries and be patient throughout your relationship.

5) You should still allow them to be independent

Trust me: avoidants would rather crash and burn than depend on someone else too much. They’d rather be by themselves and deal with their issues on their own.

So, if you try to smother them, it will only make matters worse.

How do you make an avoidant miss you?

Here are some tips to help you achieve your goal:

1) Give them space

As you already know, avoidants need space. So, give it to them by letting go and giving them the time they want without forcing them to do anything they don’t want to do.

2) Don’t push them

Push them too much and you will only push them away. You see, an avoidant needs time to open up to you. So, be patient with him or her and give them the time they need without pushing them.

3) Don’t nag at them

Avoidants don’t like nagging because it puts too much pressure on their skulls. If you nag at your avoidant partner, he or she won’t be able to think clearly anymore.

However, if you don’t, they’ll most likely miss your presence.

4) Pull away from them

By doing this, you will make them feel insecure and desperate. So, if you want to make an avoidant miss and chase you, pull away from him or her for a few days.

5) Show that you can be independent

The more independent you are, the more they will want to be with you and keep your relationship strong.

So, show your avoidant partner that you’re independent and that you can take care of yourself.

Are avoidants cheaters?

Can I be totally honest with you? Avoidant people tend to cheat more than other people.

In fact, avoidants have been labeled as so because they don’t like showing their true selves to almost anyone.

Numerous psychologists say that avoidant people tend to keep their true selves hidden, and that’s why they sometimes end up cheating.

They can’t find the support and understanding they need, so they look for it in other places.

In fact, this may or may not be true.

This is because there are other reasons why avoidants tend to cheat on their partners too. For instance, an avoidant person might cheat if they feel like they’re being nagged or pressured by their partner.

Remember that avoidants have a hard time trusting anyone. So, they’re definitely not the type to commit easily, and they sometimes end up hurting others when they want to hide their true selves from them.

Are avoidants lonely?

Another thing people might think is that avoidants are lonely.

But this may not be true because a lot of them tend to keep themselves busy. They maintain lots of hobbies and keep themselves busy with work.

Although they don’t usually have many friends, they will still seek comfort in those who are close to them.

They prefer to hang out with those who know how to talk to them and understand them better.

Most of all, avoidants tend to like alone time. So, they will be sure to have a lot of quality time by themselves.

Your avoidant doesn’t love you. What next?

Sadly, the signs above may point to one thing: your avoidant partner doesn’t love you.

So what can you do to resolve this?

Avoidant or not, if your partner is a man, there’s one way that will help you get through to him.

It’s called the hero instinct and it’s an instinctive need that men have to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives. This is deeply rooted in male biology.

When a man genuinely feels like your everyday hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and committed to being in a long-term relationship with you.

But how do you trigger this instinct in an avoidant man?

The trick is to make him feel like a hero in an authentic way. And there are things you can say and messages you can send to trigger this natural biological instinct.

If you want some help doing this, check out James Bauer’s excellent free video here.

I don’t often recommend videos or buy into popular new concepts in psychology, but the hero instinct is one of the most fascinating concepts I’ve come across.

Here’s a link to his unique video again.

Picture of Daniela Duca Damian

Daniela Duca Damian

I’m Daniela, a passionate writer with an academic background in journalism. My work is based on research and facts. In recent years I have focused on the study of interpersonal relationships, analyzing, and writing about aspects related to social connections, romantic relationships, but also personal development. My goal is to decipher the most confusing concepts so that anyone who is interested in living a better and fulfilled life can apply them. When I’m not writing, I challenge my friends with meaningful questions about life.

Enhance your experience of Ideapod and join Tribe, our community of free thinkers and seekers.

Related articles

Most read articles

Get our articles

Ideapod news, articles, and resources, sent straight to your inbox every month.