Editor’s note: This article was originally published in 2019 and was updated in April 2026 to reflect Ideapod’s current editorial standards and The Sovereign Mind Framework.
I remember the first time I lost myself in a deep conversation with him.
We spoke about everything that mattered. What our dreams were in life. How we were raised and the impact of our education on what we were doing today.
I shared some of the most painful experiences in my past. He shared some of his deeper insecurities in relationships.
We had only just met, but during this conversation, I realized I found myself deeply attracted to him.
It was at that moment that I knew I was a sapiosexual.
What is a sapiosexual? You won’t find much information on the internet about sapiosexuals. But the definition of a sapiosexual is really clear:
A sapiosexual is someone who sees intelligence as the most attractive trait in a person.
This describes me perfectly. I love deep conversations more than anything. I’m aroused and excited by a person’s insights as opposed to their physical attributes. The most important organ in a man’s body is his brain.
I’ve since lost contact with this man who managed to capture my heart like no other. But I want to attract other sapiosexuals into my life. I don’t want men to want me for my physical attributes. I want them to love me for my mind — just the same way I want to love them.
8 ways to connect with a sapiosexual
Here are my best suggestions for building a deeper connection with someone:
- Go on your first date somewhere that provokes a conversation. It could be a museum or an art gallery. Or it could simply be a beautiful park with some natural landscapes to comment upon. Think through the destination and make sure it gives you things to talk about. The choice itself will show you have put some thought into your first date. And you’ll be setting yourself up with some interesting conversations.
- Take them back to your place and show them that size does matter. The size of your bookshelf that is. Leave your favorite books lying around your place and let your partner’s eye wander over them. Explain what you’ve learned and how the books have impacted your life.
- Go dancing. Seriously. Go dancing and show what a terrible dancer you are. Sapiosexuals are usually terrible dancers as they care more about their minds than their bodies. You’ll appreciate each other’s lack of coordination and ability to not take yourself so seriously.
- Explain your purpose in life (and ask about theirs). This sounds like a serious subject but it doesn’t have to be. Have you watched the video where the shaman Rudá Iandê explains how to immediately find your purpose in life? He says that there’s a simple question to answer and it immediately reveals your true purpose. Watch the video and ask your partner this same question.
- Tell your partner the things you don’t know much about. Sapiosexuals usually have an awareness of the limits of knowledge. They know there’s always more to learn. It’s more exciting to talk about the things you want to learn than to pretend you know everything.
- Do the famous 36 questions to fall in love. This is the series of questions designed by psychologists which supposedly will make you fall in love with anyone.
- Stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes. This is actually the final thing to do in the 36 questions mentioned above. It’s best done at the end of your second or third date, after you’ve had the chance to feel a little more comfortable with each other. Eye gazing like this will bring you closer like nothing else will.
- Talk about politics, religion, and your past relationships. These are usually taboo topics, especially when you’ve just started dating someone. But a sapiosexual loves to talk about taboo topics. They will love to explore your perspective and the different concepts that deeply shape who you are.
Science backs up the link between attraction and intelligence
Scientists have confirmed that there are many reasons that interlink attraction and intelligence.
According to research, men who have higher IQ tend to be more virile and produce healthier sperm. So when it comes to evolution, women are likelier to select intelligent men, as a subconscious way of having better chances at reproduction.
In another report by Lovehoney – an adult sex toy retailer – there is apparently a strong interlink between sex drives and intelligence. On the basis of sales data, it has been derived that Russell Group of Elite universities and their students have higher sex drive than others. The data proves that smart people have a higher sex drive than their counterparts – but it does not suggest that the former have more sex in the process.
But ultimately it is all about substance. A smart person is well-aware of the fact that substance has a long way to go. And this is the sole reason why most sapiosexuals are aloof and loners.
Sapiosexuals don’t only have high intellectual standards for their romantic partners. They also have the same preferences with platonic relationships. Their social group also consists of highly-intelligent people. Superficial friendships don’t cut out for them.
What do sapiosexual people look like in relationships
How do you know if you are a sapiosexual? Take a look at these signs and see if you can relate:
1. Your past romantic relationships began with friendship. Sapiosexuals don’t fall in love instantly. Because they are not attracted to looks, it takes a while for them to fall in love with someone. This is why most of the time, your relationships will probably start with friendship. You first need that deep and meaningful bond. At least some time needs to pass for you to establish an intellectual connection with someone special.
However, you tend to skip the excitement of the honeymoon phase. You end up falling in love with someone you already know and are completely comfortable with. So one of the downsides in your relationships is having to spice things up or to create a feeling of excitement.
2. First dates don’t really tell you anything. Unlike most people, you can’t make absolute decisions about someone after a first date. Others can easily tell if they want to keep seeing someone after a first date. But not you. First dates barely tell you anything substantial. Moreover, first dates tend to be light, and the conversation focuses on unsubstantial topics. You will need more than one date to determine if you have any intellectual or deep emotional connection with someone. The things that you find attractive may take a longer time to surface.
3. You can still feel physical attraction, but it’s not really a big deal. Just because intelligence is the most important thing for you doesn’t mean you don’t get physically attracted to people. You’re not blind. You can still find someone gorgeous. It’s just that it’s not the only thing you’re looking for. For you to really be attracted to someone, you need to look beyond how they look like.
4. If you like someone, you really like them. For you, actually liking someone is a big deal. Why? Because you don’t just like anyone. It means that when you do – it’s because this person really intrigues you in a special way. Liking someone isn’t something that just happens to you a lot. In fact, it very rarely does. You have only been truly attracted to a handful of people in your life. So when you do, it’s bound to be something serious.
5. Your friendship can sometimes get complicated. Since your relationships likely start in friendship, it can get really confusing for you. When you are friends with someone you are attracted to, boundaries become blurry. At first, everything is platonic, But after a while, once you start getting to know someone, you start finding them attractive too. You realize that you like the way they think. The problem is, you’re only friends. Sometimes you’re not sure if the other person wants to be more. So you end up being torn. It complicates your friendship. And end up maybe losing your friend for good.
6. People think you’re stuck-up or a prude. Sex for a sapiosexual can’t just be casual. You’re likely not hooking up with many people. And you’ve probably only been with a few in the past. Because of this, people might think you’re a prude. Additionally, your preference for an intelligent partner boggles everyone else. They think your standards are too high. They call you picky and unreasonable. But not everyone is going to understand your standards. For you, it’s just like how everybody becomes attracted to looks. Your tastes are just a little bit different. And that certainly affects your dating lifestyle.
The Sovereign Mind lens
Sapiosexual attraction challenges many shallow cultural scripts about dating and desire. Understanding this orientation through The Sovereign Mind framework reveals deeper patterns at work.
Unlearning: We inherit beliefs that physical attraction must come first, that instant chemistry is the gold standard, and that intellectual connection is secondary to looks or status. Sapiosexuals naturally resist these inherited dating scripts that prioritize surface-level traits over mental compatibility.
Restoration: This orientation requires developing sustained attention to listen deeply, emotional regulation to engage with complex topics, and the cognitive clarity to recognize genuine intelligence versus performative intellectualism. It demands presence over quick judgments.
Defense: Protecting this way of connecting means resisting pressure to lower standards, avoiding shallow dating environments that prioritize instant physical chemistry, and defending against those who dismiss intellectual attraction as pretentious or unrealistic.
Building deeper intellectual connections
Whether you identify as sapiosexual or simply want to form more meaningful bonds, certain approaches can help you create the kind of connection that goes beyond surface attraction. These strategies work whether you’re dating or simply looking to enrich your relationships.
- Start conversations with genuine curiosity: Ask questions you actually want to know the answers to. Instead of “What do you do?” try “What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately?” or “What’s a belief you’ve changed your mind about?”
- Share your learning process, not just your knowledge: Talk about books that confused you, ideas you’re wrestling with, or subjects where you feel like a beginner. Vulnerability about intellectual growth is often more attractive than displaying expertise.
- Create space for deep discussion: Choose environments and activities that naturally lead to meaningful conversation. Long walks, art galleries, and quiet cafes work better than loud bars or action movies for building intellectual intimacy.
- Practice patient attention: Resist the urge to formulate your response while someone is speaking. True intellectual connection requires the ability to really listen and build on what the other person is sharing.
- Embrace disagreement as intimacy: Some of the most engaging conversations happen when you can respectfully explore different viewpoints. Learning to disagree thoughtfully often creates deeper bonds than simple agreement.
- Ask follow-up questions: When someone shares an insight, dig deeper. “What made you think of it that way?” or “How did you come to that conclusion?” shows you’re truly engaged with their thought process.
Being a sapiosexual does not make you entitled or classist
Most of the debate surrounding sapiosexuality argues that being attracted to a person’s intelligence isn’t a sexual preference – it just makes one classist, entitled, and elitist.
But since we all have our own preferences, why can’t intelligence be one?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being majorly attracted to a person’s ability to think. As this article suggests, it’s actually biologically natural for you to want an intelligent partner. It’s part of our evolution.
Plus, it means you get to have interesting conversations with your partner forever. There will be no boring moments. Who doesn’t want that?
