How to turn on a sapiosexual: 8 simple steps

I remember the first time I lost myself in a deep conversation with him.

We spoke about everything that mattered. What our dreams were in life. How we were raised and the impact of our education on what we were doing today.

I shared some of the most painful experiences in my past. He shared some of his deeper insecurities in relationships.

We had only just met, but during this conversation, I realized I found myself deeply attracted to him.

It was at that moment that I knew I was a sapiosexual.

What is a sapiosexual? You won’t find much information on the internet about sapiosexuals. But the definition of a sapiosexual is really clear:

A sapiosexual is someone who sees intelligence as the most attractive trait in a person.

This describes me perfectly. I love deep conversations more than anything.

I’m aroused and excited by a person’s insights as opposed to their physical attributes.

The most important organ in a man’s body is his brain.

I’ve since lost contact with this man who managed to capture my heart like no other. But I want to attract other sapiosexuals into my life.

I don’t want men to want me for my physical attributes. I want them to love me for my mind — just the same way I want to love them.

So how can you turn on a sapiosexual? Here are 8 key things to do.

8 ways to turn on a sapiosexual

Here are my 8 best suggestions for building a deeper connection with someone. This is how sapiosexuals find each other.

  1. Go on your first date somewhere that provokes a conversation. It could be a museum or an art gallery. Or it could simply be a beautiful park with some natural landscapes to comment upon. Think through the destination and make sure it gives you things to talk about. The choice itself will show you have put some thought into your first date. And you’ll be setting yourself up with some interesting conversations.
  2. Take them back to your place and show them that size does matter. The size of your bookshelf that is. Leave your favorite books lying around your place and let your partner’s eye wander over them. Explain what you’ve learned and how the books have impacted your life.
  3. Go dancing. Seriously. Go dancing and show what a terrible dancer you are. Sapiosexuals are usually terrible dancers as they care more about their minds than their bodies. You’ll appreciate each other’s lack of coordination and ability to not take yourself so seriously.
  4. Explain your purpose in life (and ask about theirs). This sounds like a serious subject but it doesn’t have to be. Have you watched the video where the shaman Rudá Iandê explains how to immediately find your purpose in life? He says that there’s a simple question to answer and it immediately reveals your true purpose. Watch the video and ask your partner this same question.
  5. Tell your partner the things you don’t know much about. Sapiosexuals usually have an awareness of the limits of knowledge. They know there’s always more to learn. It’s more exciting to talk about the things you want to learn than to pretend you know everything.
  6. Do the famous 36 questions to fall in love. This is the series of questions designed by psychologists which supposedly will make you fall in love. Read more about the questions here.
  7. Stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes. This is actually the final thing to do in the 36 questions mentioned above. It’s best done at the end of your second or third date, after you’ve had the chance to feel a little more comfortable with each other. Eye gazing like this will bring you closer like nothing else will.
  8. Talk about politics, religion, and your past relationships. These are usually taboo topics, especially when you’ve just started dating someone. But a sapiosexual loves to talk about taboo topics. They will love to explore your perspective and the different concepts that deeply shape who you are.

Are you a sapiosexual?

If you identify as a sapiosexual, the world of instant matches and quick hookups may not be for you.

Simply put, a sapiosexual someone who cannot be attracted to someone unless they first develop an emotional connection.

Does this sound like you? explains it in more detail:

“A sapiosexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It’s more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that sapiosexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality.

“In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a sapiosexual is emotionally connected to someone else (whether the feelings are romantic love or deep friendship), the sapiosexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners.”

Science backs it up

Scientists have confirmed that there are many reasons that interlink attraction and intelligence.

According to a University of New Mexico study, for example, men who have higher IQ tend to be more virile and produce healthier sperm. So when it comes to evolution, women are likelier to select intelligent men, as a subconscious way of having better chances at reproduction.

In another report by Lovehoney – an adult sex toy retailer – there is apparently a strong interlink between sex drives and intelligence. On the basis of sales data, it has been derived that Russell Group of Elite universities and their students have higher sex drive than others. The data proves that smart people have a higher sex drive than their counterparts – but it does not suggest that the former have more sex in the process.

But ultimately it is all about substance. A smart person is well-aware of the fact that substance has a long way to go. And this is the sole reason why most sapiosexuals are aloof and loners.

Sapiosexuals don’t only have high intellectual standards for their romantic partners. They also have the same preferences with platonic relationships. Their social group also consists of highly-intelligent people. Superficial friendships don’t cut out for them.

Signs of a sapiosexual

How do you know if you are a sapiosexual? Read these six signs and see if you can relate.

1. Your past romantic relationships began with friendship.

Sapiosexuals don’t fall in love instantly. Because they are not attracted to looks, it takes a while for them to fall in love with someone.

This is why most of the time, your relationships will probably start with friendship. You first need that deep and meaningful bond. At least some time needs to pass for you to establish an intellectual connection with someone special.

However, you tend to skip the excitement of the honeymoon phase. You end up falling in love with someone you already know and are completely comfortable with. So one of the downsides in your relationships is having to spice things up or to create a feeling of excitement.

[Not only does Buddhism provide a spiritual outlet for many people, it can also improve the quality of our relationships. Check out our new no-nonsense guide to using Buddhism for a better life here].

2. First dates don’t really tell you anything.

Unlike most people, you can’t make absolute decisions about someone after a first date. Others can easily tell if they want to keep seeing someone after a first date. But not you.

First dates barely tell you anything substantial. Moreover, first dates tend to be light, and the conversation focuses on unsubstantial topics.

You will need more than one date to determine if you have any intellectual or deep emotional connection with someone. The things that you find attractive may take a longer time to surface.

3. You can still feel physical attraction, but it’s not really a big deal.

Just because intelligence is the most important thing for you doesn’t mean you don’t get physically attracted to people. You’re not blind. You can still find someone gorgeous. It’s just that it’s not the only thing you’re looking for.

For you to really be attracted to someone, you need to look beyond how they look like.

4. If you like someone, you really like them.

For you, actually liking someone is a big deal. Why? Because you don’t just like anyone. It means that when you do – it’s because this person really intrigues you in a special way.

Liking someone isn’t something that just happens to you a lot. In fact, it very rarely does. You have only been truly attracted to a handful of people in your life. So when you do, it’s bound to be something serious.

5. Your friendship can sometimes get complicated.

Since your relationships likely start in friendship, it can get really confusing for you.

When you are friends with someone you are attracted to, boundaries become blurry. At first, everything is platonic, But after a while, once you start getting to know someone, you start finding them attractive too.

You realize that you like the way they think. The problem is, you’re only friends. Sometimes you’re not sure if the other person wants to be more. So you end up being torn. It complicates your friendship. And end up maybe losing your friend for good.

6. People think you’re stuck-up or a prude.

Sex for a sapiosexual can’t just be casual. You’re likely not hooking up with many people. And you’ve probably only been with a few in the past. Because of this, people might think you’re a prude.

Additionally, your preference for an intelligent partner boggles everyone else. They think your standards are too high. They call you picky and unreasonable.

But not everyone is going to understand your standards. For you, it’s just like how everybody becomes attracted to looks. Your tastes are just a little bit different. And that certainly affects your dating lifestyle.

Being a sapiosexual does not make you entitled or classist.

Most of the debate surrounding sapiosexuality argues that being attracted to a person’s intelligence isn’t a sexual preference – it just makes one classist, entitled, and elitist.

But since we all have our own preferences, why can’t intelligence be one?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being majorly attracted to a person’s ability to think. As this article suggests, it’s actually biologically natural for you to want an intelligent partner. It’s part of our evolution.

Plus, it means you get to have interesting conversations with your partner forever. There will be no boring moments. Who doesn’t want that?

Picture of Genefe Navilon

Genefe Navilon

Genefe Navilon is a writer, poet, and blogger. She graduated with a degree in Mass Communications at the University of San Jose Recoletos. Her poetry blog, Letters To The Sea, currently has 18,000 followers. Her work has been published in different websites and poetry book anthologies. She divides her time between traveling, writing, and working on her debut poetry book.

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