When you’re married to someone who no longer loves you, it can feel impossible. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Hey, listen, I feel your pain. When my husband wanted a divorce, I was devastated too. It’s unimaginable to part ways after so many years of marriage.
But here’s the bottom line: When you understand what makes your husband tick, and you cultivate those traits in yourself, a divorce can be an awesome opportunity to reinvent yourself as a better wife.
After reading a few books on the subject, taking some online courses and doing lots of research on the internet, I found 19 ways to make your husband love you again!
Let’s jump right in
1) Acknowledge what you like about him
When you’re having an argument, it’s easy to start to feel overwhelmed. By listening to all of your husband’s “problems,” you can easily get sucked in by his negative emotions.
When he finishes talking and you respond, “Yeah, I know, honey,” he’ll be disappointed because all he wanted was for you to acknowledge that there are things about him that you like.
Try this instead: Find at least three things that you like about him.
For example, you might say, “I love the way that you always try to understand my perspective and work things out with me.” And be sure to tell him specifically what it is that you appreciate.
This will make him feel appreciated, and he’ll be more likely to want to show that appreciation in return.
2) Compliment him, genuinely
When you truly love your spouse and you hope that you can work through the issues, it’s a good idea to compliment your husband often on things that matter to him.
For example, tell him what a great father he is or how much you appreciate his hard work in making a living for the family. Make sure he feels valued.
This will help him feel loved and more open to working on problems within the relationship.
3) Initiate getting close to him
This is different from simply initiating physical contact. Initiating getting close means that you want to check in with your spouse and find out how he’s doing emotionally.
For example, you might say, “Honey, how are you feeling right now? You seem like something is up.” You might also say, “Could we talk about what’s on your mind?”
Checking in with him will help to diffuse potential tension. It will also give you an opportunity to express how worried you are that the two of you aren’t communicating like you used to.
Now you might be wondering how this is going to help you to make your husband love you again.
Well, perhaps not surprisingly, your satisfaction from a romantic relationship significantly depends on the intimacy level you have with your husband.
I learned this from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê, in his incredible free video on Love and Intimacy.
What’s more important, Rudá also taught me how to overcome obstacles and start taking steps to get closer to people I care about. And I’m sure this is going to help you too!
So, if you want to improve the relationships you have with others and make your husband love you again, watch his free video and understand why you should start with yourself.
4) Ask him if there’s anything that you can do to help out
It’s very possible that your husband is searching for a certain kind of wife. So he may be tired of the way that you are constantly nagging him, pushing him to do things, or when you make unreasonable demands on him.
This is especially true if he has difficulty communicating his feelings. So, ask him if there’s something you can do to help out.
For example, you might say, “I notice that you’re feeling pressured. Can I take over laundry or cleaning?” You might also offer to do some of his chores, so he’ll have more time to spend on what he likes.
Asking him directly if there is something that you can do to help him out will show him how much you care about making the marriage work, and it will also make you a better wife by giving your husband some relief.
5) Be his safe place
As a result of this need for reassurance, your husband may try to avoid talking about anything that is important to him so that he does not become “overwhelmed.”
So when you feel as if your husband is sending you signals of needing reassurance, don’t push him away. Instead, make yourself a safe place for him. Be the person that he can talk to about anything. Be the person he can seek out for comfort and support.
Here’s what you might say, “I know that there are things that you’re worried about. Please know that I’m here for you and support you in any way I can.”
Or “I know that things are scary right now, but it’s going to be okay. Let’s talk about what you’re feeling so that we can figure this out together.”
If he opens up and shares what’s going on, resist the urge to make it about you. Instead, be fully present and attentively listen to him as he shares how he’s feeling. Sometimes all he needs is empathy and understanding.
6) Don’t try to fix him—focus on feelings instead
I know that you want to make things better with your husband, and you want to do everything that you can to save the marriage. That’s understandable.
But when someone is experiencing difficult emotions, such as anxiety or sadness, it’s virtually impossible for them to be fully receptive to your advice.
So, don’t try to fix him. Instead, focus on helping him understand how he feels. Give him some space so that he can be present with his feelings. For example, you can say, “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Take a few slow, deep breaths and let it go.”
This will allow your husband to feel safe enough to feel some emotion, which is a critical step toward resolving any issues that you two are having.
The more that you help him to understand how he is feeling in the moment, the more likely it is that he will be receptive when you ask him what is wrong.
7) Don’t give him a hard time about not being able to communicate with you
When I was in counseling for my husband’s issues, it became clear that the two of us were too hard on ourselves in our marriage.
He sometimes felt trapped and criticized by me when he couldn’t understand me, and he would try to tell me about his feelings but often couldn’t explain them very well.
The two of us were also criticizing each other so much that it made it harder for us to open up and fix the problems within our marriage.
These days, I try to be less critical of him. I know that it’s very difficult for him to express his feelings. So these days, I try to have an open mind when he’s trying to express himself.
If your husband is having trouble communicating with you, resist the urge to criticize him. Instead, be patient and don’t give him a hard time about it.
Focus on helping him feel safe and supported in the marriage by doing what you can do for him and being mindful that he may need more time than you are able to give in order to talk about his feelings.
But how can you ignore something so important to your love life?
Well, the key here is not to ignore it but adapt to it and deal with it. I learned the strategies to handle difficult times in my relationship with a help of a professional coach at Relationship Hero.
Relationship Hero is a hugely popular relationship coaching site because they provide solutions, not just talk.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice specific to your situation.
8) Don’t take his anger personally
When you’re married to someone who no longer loves you, he might feel overwhelmed by the problems in the relationship. He might also be feeling like he has no control over his feelings or his life right now.
As a result, he could become angry very quickly when you two are talking about a specific subject or situation.
So, don’t take his anger or frustration personally. There is probably something causing him to feel this way and it has nothing to do with you. It may have to do with difficulties at work, financial problems, health issues or some other problem that’s outside of your marriage.
Instead of overreacting to his anger, let him know that you’re there for him. For example, you might say, “I understand that you’re feeling overwhelmed right now. Let’s sit down together and have a talk about what’s going on.”
You might also say, “I know that it’s scary when we’re having problems in the marriage. Let me hold your hand while we talk so that I can show you how much I care about making this work.”
Demonstrate to him how much you love him and want to work through the problems together.
Take action before it’s too late to save your marriage.
9) Be open with your spouse about how you feel
You don’t have to wait until there’s a problem before you communicate what you’re feeling. It will help to be as honest with your spouse as possible so that you two can understand each other more fully.
When you both feel that you’re an open book and feel safe talking with each other, it will be much easier to work through problems as they arise. This openness is also essential for having a healthy relationship and marriage.
Here’s an example of what you might say if your husband seems distant:
“I’m feeling lonely right now because it seems like we’re not spending enough time together or communicating like we used to.
You might also say, “I’m feeling scared right now because I feel like we’re not communicating the way that we used to.
This will help your husband know how he is making you feel. If he responds with some reassurance, then he’ll be more likely to want to work through the problem together with you.
10) Remember that problems are opportunities to grow
In the midst of a marriage filled with problems, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and discouraged.
When you’re hurting from a divorce and it feels like everything is falling apart, it’s easy to feel hopeless.
But remember that no matter what circumstance you find yourself in, there is always something that you can learn from it and there is always a way to grow as a person.
Remember that your husband is struggling as well. He may be dealing with difficult emotions, such as shame, anger or sadness.
So instead of focusing on the negative and all of the things that you’re going through, think about how you can both grow from this experience.
For example, if you’re dealing with an affair, focus on the fact that it’s an opportunity to heal from each other and to strengthen your marriage even more.
Or if money is an issue in your marriage, use it as an opportunity to learn how to live within a budget together.
11) Don’t be afraid to apologize
Even if it feels like he’s always apologizing, your husband still needs to hear that apology from you.
For example, you might say, “I’m sorry that I got upset and yelled at you. I know that was hurtful for you and it’s not okay for me to do that.”
He’ll appreciate it if you apologize for your mistakes. The more often you apologize when it’s appropriate, the less likely it is that your husband will be as defensive toward you during future conflicts.
It will help him to be open with you and to feel more comfortable sharing his feelings, thoughts and ideas. He will also be more likely to listen to you if you apologize for your mistakes.
12) Give your relationship some space when necessary
There may come a time when you and your husband need some space from each other. Sometimes, two people need to stop being in contact for a while because they don’t want to talk about certain things.
Don’t be afraid of talking about what’s bothering you during this time – just be open with your spouse about how you’re feeling and why you feel like this.
In fact, it will help him to feel more comfortable and untrapped by taking this step on his own. He’ll appreciate it if you do the same thing for him.
This tip is particularly helpful for men who find it difficult to communicate their feelings.
You might say, “I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed by our problems lately and I feel like we need some time to think about things on our own.”
Allowing ourselves time to contemplate what’s going on can give you both a chance to process the issues and get some clarity.
Then when both of you are ready to work things out together, you’ll be more likely to make the changes necessary to fix the problems and improve your marriage.
13) Focus on the positives and take care of yourself
When a marriage is filled with problems, it can be hard to see anything that’s good about it at all. You may feel trapped in a painful situation and you may feel as though there is no way out of it.
However, remember that every marriage contains both good and bad times, no matter how long you’ve been married or how bad things are right now. There will always be positive aspects to every day that you spend with your spouse.
Appreciate the good times you have spent with your spouse. For example, you might say, “I’m so glad we had a chance to enjoy our vacation together.”
You might also say, “I’m glad that I get to spend time with you in the evenings. I’m grateful that we get to go to dinner together.”
Expressing gratitude for the good things in your life can help you to find more comfort and optimism. It’s also a great way to keep the positive aspects of your marriage alive in your mind.
So when you spend time with your spouse, bring up some of these ways that you’re grateful for each other. You’ll want to make sure that he knows how much you appreciate him and how much better it is when you’re together.
It will also give your husband a sense of appreciation for what he has in his life. In turn, this can help him feel closer and more connected with you.
14) Give him some encouragement every day
One of the most important ideas men need to hear is that they are loved, valued and important.
A great way to show your husband appreciation and encouragement is to let him know how he makes your life better. You might say, “I feel so happy and peaceful when I’m with you.”
Expressing genuine gratitude in a positive and supportive way can help him to feel more valued, appreciated and loved. It will also help him associate these positive feelings with being around you.
When that happens, he’ll be more inclined to want to be around you as well. This will make your marriage strong, which is the ultimate goal.
If this isn’t what you usually do, remember, practice makes perfect!
15) Let him be a part of your life every day
When times are good in your marriage, it’s important to make sure that you’re spending time together as a couple.
But when there are problems, it can be difficult for you and your husband to spend quality time together because of the amount of negativity that you may feel each day.
But don’t miss out on quality time with each other by becoming too busy trying to avoid conflict or by feeling overwhelmed and discouraged in your relationship.
16) Give him some time to miss you
Being away from each other for a little while can be a good way to give your partner some time to miss you and to experience what it’s like when you’re not around.
When you and your husband spend a lot of time together, it’s easy to take each other for granted.
So give him some time to think about all of the things he loves about you. It will help him to appreciate you and want to be around you again.
17) Take care of your look
We often get caught up in the marriage grudges and forget to look nice.
So take some time to take care of yourself. Get yourself a new outfit and some nice jewelry, or get a haircut and color.
It’ll help you to feel more confident when you’re around your spouse. This will make him want to be around you even more!
18) Surprise him in a way that makes him feel special
Fixing a marriage doesn’t always have to be stressful. Be creative and think of some ways to surprise him so that he feels special.
For example, gift him with what he wants on his birthday or surprise him by doing something fun together. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive or out of the ordinary.
Just something that will make him feel special, like taking him out for dinner to a place that you know he likes or going out to eat at a restaurant that you both love.
Perhaps you could take a cooking class together and learn how to cook together.
This will help strengthen your marriage and will be an awesome experience to add to your memory bank. You’ll both have fun, eat delicious food and remember this special day for years to come.
19) Don’t focus on what’s wrong with your marriage
There are so many problems in marriages that are completely beyond anyone’s control.
If you focus on the small issues in your marriage, it will seem like there is no way for you to be happy together at all.
Instead, focus on what you love about each other. Let the small things go and focus on the big picture. The big picture is a happy and healthy marriage that has all of the important things in it.
Relationship is a persistent process of learning to love, accept and forgive each other.
Chances are you’re in this for the long haul, so keep working at it. Your efforts will pay off in the end.
I hope these tips can help you to make your husband love you again and keep your marriage strong.
Best of luck!