13 no bullsh*t ways to fix a relationship you ruined

If you’ve lost the one you love, don’t despair.

Even if you’re to blame, a failed relationship isn’t beyond hope. Here’s a roadmap for your romantic comeback.

13 no bullsh*t ways to fix a relationship you ruined

1) Connect to her feminine side

If you want no bullsh*t ways to fix a relationship you ruined, start with connecting to her feminine side.

What does this mean?

Let me get specific…

The idea of a feminine and masculine side has been explored extensively in the work of psychologists and relationship experts.

In his bestselling 1992 book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, John Gray explains it in the following way:

“Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished…

Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.”

As a man, you want to know that your girlfriend or wife needs you.

As a woman, she wants to know that you value her and want something that goes above and beyond the ordinary.

Connecting to her feminine is all about understanding and linking to this desire. Show her she’s loved and tell her she’s loved.

Let her know you’re there for her when she’s ready to talk.

2) Take an objective look at what happened

Do a relationship post-mortem, and be brutally honest. What happened?

If you’re the one who ruined the relationship, then you need to begin by facing up to it.

Did you cheat? Neglect her? Have a horrible temper that flared up?

Or was it nothing more than you being extremely busy and not giving her much attention throughout the relationship?

Be honest about the various behaviors and actions on your part that sunk the relationship.

It’s only once you identify the problem that you can begin trying to repair it.

Did something about her behavior trigger you?

Did you have a clash of values that led to you reacting poorly?

Did you get in fights about finances because you were too tight with money?

Be honest about whatever happened and your role in it.

3) Talk it out

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No matter what happened in your relationship, communicating is the first bridge to fixing it.

Now that you’ve faced up to whatever went wrong and your role in it, it’s time to talk it out.

If she won’t answer your messages or respond to your calls, your options are limited.

In that case, you’ll need the patience of a saint, and you’ll want to put together a reasonable and well-worded email or wherever you’re not blocked.

Let her know you’re deeply and truly sorry, that you cherish the good times you had together and that you’re changing as a man.

If she will answer, do the same thing and be ready to listen well to anything she might say.

Talk it out, keep your temper in check, and remember that your goal here is to become a better man whether or not she takes you back.

Watch the video below where Justin Brown explains how to make communication work well in successful relationships.

YouTube video

4) Let him or her know you still care

One of the best things you can do if you’ve messed up a relationship and you want it back is to make it clear that you still care.

There’s a right and a wrong way to do this, however.

The wrong way is to make over-the-top declarations of love…

To do Instagram lives where you break down in tears crying…

To talk to mutual friends and let them know you’re extremely depressed and unable to go on without her…

The right way is:

To tell her you still care about her and are there for her with no conditions.

To show her with actions any way you can that you’re there ready to help out and assist her, including emotionally.

To find out what she needs and be there for her to help, without expecting anything in return.

5) Make a gesture to make up for what you did

It’s not really possible to make up for months or years of being a jerk or letting down someone who loved you.

But you can make a gesture to make up for your mistakes.

Put some heart into it, as well as some thought.

Maybe you want to show her that you’re sorry by buying her a thoughtful and lovely gift. Or maybe you want to demonstrate some regret by writing her a song on your guitar and playing it for her live in classic troubadour style.

The point here is just to show you’re sorry in a genuine way, even if it’s corny.

As Regina Stets says:

“A good idea would be preparing a dinner on your own, combined with the beautiful tablecloth, warm candles, and self-made meal…

Basically, the best way to apologize is to put thought and effort into your apology, to convince the person that you are serious about it.”

6) Don’t be needy and desperate

When it comes to letting her know you still care and making a gesture, avoid being needy and desperate!

I realize that playing her a song or making a meal could come across as desperate.

That’s why I’ll explain something here…

Whether it’s a song, a dinner, a heartfelt phone conversation, or a bouquet of flowers delivered with a handwritten note:

Do it in a way that shows you care, but you’re not going to die if she says no.

Sing a song that says sorry without being really sappy or sad!

Make a dinner that shows you care but doesn’t make you look like an obsessive stalker!

Whatever you do, your gesture should show that you care about her, but you’re not expecting anything from her.

Put the focus on speaking your mind and heart, not on making a “deal” where she somehow feels obligated to be with you because of what you did or said.

7) Prioritize personal over digital

Texting and being in touch digitally can be a powerful tool in your arsenal to bring a relationship back from the dead.

However, whenever possible, try to prioritize the personal over the digital.

Meeting face-to-face with an ex or someone who no longer wants to be with you is much more powerful than sending them heart emojis on Whatsapp.

That’s just a fact.

If you’re able to meet in person, do so. If you’re not, limit how much you get into the social media and messaging side of things.

While getting your ex back with flirtatious texts is definitely a thing, you don’t want to make it the only arrow in your quiver.

Broaden out and do your best to meet him or her in person if at all possible.

8) Limit your time on social media

Pursuant to the last point, do your best to limit your time on social media.

Online stalking is even less romantic than it sounds and seeing how many likes you can dish out in an hour of creeping around your ex’s profiles is not a good use of your time.

Go to the gym or cook a delicious meal.

Time spent interacting or liking your ex on social media is time wasted. It also makes you look like a desperate loser.

You can use social media by all means. You can even send him or her a message. But limit your time and try to get outside. You’re not gaining anything by hovering over your computer like a lecherous and heartbroken leprechaun.

And there’s absolutely no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.

9) Work on yourself

If you’ve ruined a relationship and you’re looking for a way back to love, it’s tempting to go full force.

You want to “fix” it and see if you have a chance right away.

You want to get an answer about whether there’s any chance *right now* and you don’t want to endure any time where you have no idea what’s going on…

But when it comes to relationships, you might be surprised to hear that there’s one very important connection you’ve probably been overlooking:

The relationship you have with yourself.

I learned about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his incredible, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.

And once you start doing that, there’s no telling how much happiness and fulfillment you can find within yourself and with your relationships.

So what makes Rudá’s advice so life-changing?

Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but he’s experienced the same problems in love as you and I have.

And using this combination, he’s identified the areas where most of us go wrong in our relationships.

So if you’re tired of your relationships never working out, of feeling undervalued, unappreciated, or unloved, this free video will give you some amazing techniques to change your love life around.

Make the change today and cultivate the love and respect you know you deserve.

Click here to watch the free video.

10) Give it time

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Broken relationships take time to fix. They can have ups and downs before they really come back to life.

If you both love each other and have a potential vision for how to make this work, then I strongly urge you not to give up hope.

At the same time, I strongly urge you not to think that the recovery process will be like pushing a button and having things return to normal.

Even if your estranged partner tells you he or she is interested in getting back together…

And that he or she still loves you…

And that they also want to try again…

This does not mean it will happen now, or even next week. Emotions get complicated and difficult, and these things take time.

Find other things to occupy your mind and energy in the meantime. If you wait with bated breath for your relationship to get back on track, you might pressure it to death.

11) Connect back to his or her family and friends

Whatever ruined the relationship on your side, one of your few valuable assets is the friends and family of your ex.

If you’re friends with them, that’s even better.

Being close with those who are close to your ex gives you an inside track that would otherwise be completely absent.

You can talk to them about how you still have feelings…

Mention that it’s in confidence…

Try to get a read on what your ex is up to and where their head is at.

If nothing else, you can find out how your ex is feeling and what he or she has been up to since you’ve been split up.

Even if getting back together is off the books, at least you can get a little update on what they’ve been up to.

12) Be open to meeting someone new

One of the best ways to fix a relationship you ruined is to stop obsessing over the relationship you ruined.

As you try out the steps above, you may have a chance to recover what you once had. But there are no guarantees.

And as you go through the process of possibly ending up back with the one you love, it’s important to maintain an open mind.

Be open to meeting someone new, otherwise, you will be likely to start getting an obsessive mindset which makes it much harder to re-establish a connection with an ex.

Being open to meeting someone new is both a mark of maturity and a reasonable step to take.

You don’t need to actively pursue new relationships, but staying open to them takes some of the pressure of making your old relationship come back.

13) Never try to force it

As you try to fix a relationship you ruined, keep in mind that trying to force it will only backfire.

Communicate, be patient and look for shreds of common ground that remain.

Any chance you have to patch things back up will come about through slowly rebuilding the bridges that you burned.

Don’t try to completely reinvent yourself or claim that you are now a perfect person…

But do show your ex that you have turned over a new leaf.

Don’t try to force it or push the relationship to be what it once was in the way you imagine. Instead, think of it like cultivating a nice farm field and planting some crops.

You’re providing fertile ground for them to bloom, but if there’s not enough rain or you didn’t plant them the right way they might not…

And that’s a chance you take and a potentiality you accept.

Is there still hope?

If you ruined your relationship and you’re wondering if it’s too late to fix it, 90% of the time the answer is no.

It’s not too late. But it all depends on what you do now.

By now you should have a good idea of why relationships can be so hard to fix.

So what can you do to resolve this?

James Bauer, a relationship expert developed a new concept called the hero instinct. It’s revolutionized the way we understand how men think and feel in relationships.

You see, when you trigger a man’s hero instinct, all his emotional walls come down. He feels better in himself and he naturally begins to associate those good feelings with you.

Even if you’ve ruined your relationship, if you manage to trigger his innate drivers that motivate men to love, commit, and protect, you’ll be successful at winning him back and fixing things between the two of you.

So if you’re ready to take your relationship to that level, be sure to check out James Bauer’s incredible advice.

Click here to watch his excellent free video.

Picture of Paul Brian

Paul Brian

Paul R. Brian is a freelance journalist and writer who has reported from around the world, focusing on religion, culture and geopolitics. Follow him on www.twitter.com/paulrbrian and visit his website at www.paulrbrian.com

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