My girlfriend is a talker.
She’s so sociable that I sometimes have trouble knowing whether she’s flirting or just being friendly.
But the amount of guys she talks to has got me worried.
And I have some advice for my fellow men on this exact topic…
“My girlfriend is talking to other guys”: 14 no bullsh*t tips if this is you
1) Slow and steady
If your girlfriend is talking to other guys, you need to be careful.
Many guys make a common mistake that kills their relationship on the spot.
When they find out their girlfriend is chatting with other guys…
They freak out.
They get angry.
They lash out with accusations, paranoia and possessiveness.
Do not be these guys.
Take it slow and steady. Get the facts right from the start and do not jump to conclusions.
Your girlfriend may be talking to other guys online and offline, but that does not necessarily mean she is cheating or thinking of cheating.
It also does not necessarily mean that she’s tired of you or trying to make you jealous.
On the other hand, now and again it does mean that.
Or it can also mean that there are big fault lines in your relationship that are about to bust it apart.
You need to know what to do and when to do it if you don’t want to jump the gun or react too late to save your relationship.
So let’s get started…
2) Talk to her
Next up, do this:
If your girlfriend is talking to a lot of other guys, talk to her.
I know that talking to your girlfriend isn’t as always as straightforward as it sounds, and bringing up the idea of conversing about a specific topic can actually be fairly awkward.
But nonetheless, I encourage you to give it a go.
That said, think before you speak. Make sure you tell her your concerns in a measured way that is not accusatory.
Often it works best to tell her that you miss talking to her and feel like you’ve been growing distant lately.
Take her out for dinner. Tell her how much it means to you. Talk about your fears and dreams.
Become not only one of those guys she’s talking to, but once again the guy she talks to much more than all others.
But how can you communicate with her when you don’t know what to say or what you want?
I know how it feels. In fact, a while ago, I was also struggling to talk to a girl I was actually in a committed relationship with.
Despite being together, I felt so alone.
Participating in famous shaman Rudá Iandê’s Love and Intimacy Masterclass did wonders in helping me work out what exactly it is I wanted from my partner (e.g., that she didn’t continue speaking to so many other guys) and helped me figure out how to communicate this.
His exercises also helped me realize what I actually wanted from a relationship and that, at the end of the day, my girlfriend and I couldn’t meet each other’s needs.
Thanks to this masterclass, I was able to move on, set firmer boundaries, and find someone with whom I resonated far more.
That’s why I think it may be a good idea to check out the free masterclass for yourself.
Relationships are complex, and it often takes a great deal of self-reflection to figure out who you are and who you want to date. Luckily, Rudá’s engaging mini-questionnaires actually probe you into thinking about your inner desires.
Click here to access the masterclass.
3) Who are these ‘guys’?
Regarding the last point, trust me I get it:
Becoming the main guy she speaks to isn’t always a realistic goal.
There could be many reasons that she’s seeking social opportunities away from you. It doesn’t mean that she’s done with you or that your relationship is toast.
It could be something far milder or more contextual.
But one important thing to look at here is who exactly these guys are that she’s talking to.
Are they work colleagues, strangers on her phone, male friends who she’s connecting with more lately?
Are they people from groups she’s in like sports or religious or spiritual gatherings?
Maybe they’re fellow members of activist and social groups she takes part in as part of causes that are close to her heart.
This all matters a lot.
Because by looking at who these guys are, you can start to get a much clearer picture of why she enjoys talking to them so much.
4) How long has she been talking to them?
Another factor to consider is how long she’s been talking to these “other guys.”
A friend of mine recently complained to me about his chatty girlfriend.
“My girlfriend is talking to other guys all the time, man,” he told me. “I don’t want to be jealous, but it’s starting to weird me out.”
You know what?
I get it, I really do.
I think there are times when a relationship does mean you should not be quite as socially open with everyone you come across, especially potential alternatives to your partner.
By the same token, you need to look at it realistically.
And taking a look at how long she’s been talking to this guys will also bring you much closer to assessing the next question.
If it’s a month or two, then the “inciting incident” or personal change that led to her taking up a more active social life is probably recent…
If it’s longer than that, then it could just be longtime friends she’s already talked to for years who you only recently became aware of.
It makes a big difference.
5) Why is she talking to them?
Now we get to the issue of why she’s talking to these guys a lot.
Here are common reasons, and this also includes the reasons that do give you justification to be jealous as well as those which are normal and healthy.
- The guys have similar interests to her
- The guys have work or career opportunities
- The guys are old friends who she cares about
- The guys are men she enjoys flirting with
- The guys are men she wants to have sex with
- The guys are people she already has had sex with
- She finds you boring and wants entertainment
- She finds you too serious and wants to laugh
- She’s worried and wants consolation she doesn’t feel you can give
- She’s worried about showing weakness in front of you but has guys who she feels more comfortable being vulnerable with
- She doesn’t find you romantic enough and wants men to show interest in her
As you can see, there are a lot of reasons why your girlfriend may be talking to other guys, not all of them bad.
But the reason why she’s doing so gives you a big clue about what to do about it.
For example, if she feels bored by you or that you don’t give her enough attention there’s a simple solution.
But if she’s chatting with other guys because she wants to have sex with them, then it gets a lot messier.
6) Does she have a history of cheating?
Next up we need to take a brief glance at your girlfriend’s dating resume.
Does she have a history of cheating?
Think of it like a criminal record check when somebody is getting hired on a new job.
You wouldn’t hire a kleptomaniac to guard a bank vault, or an opiate addict to work in the quality control section of an opioid manufacturer.
By the same token, you wouldn’t trust a girlfriend to keep a 200-guy contact list on her phone who she texts with all day if she has a history of cheating.
It’s really that simple.
The crazy thing is:
Many guys treat a trustworthy girlfriend as if she’s already a cheater!
Don’t do that, it will turn out badly, and might even prompt her to think about cheating when she previously hadn’t even been considering it.
7) Remember: you don’t own your girlfriend
I don’t know the relationship you have with your girlfriend.
What I do know is that all too often love gets tied up with possessiveness and the idea of “owning” or “having” someone.
This idea sounds romantic on the surface, but it’s actually deeply codependent and toxic.
You don’t own your girlfriend and she doesn’t own you.
You’re in a voluntary romantic relationship that you have chosen.
If she chooses to leave you, or ditch you for another guy: that’s awful. Genuinely, it feels horrible, and I don’t expect you to like it.
But it is her choice.
“Whatever the reason be, remember you must deal with the feelings of jealousy and insecurity in a healthy manner. If you don’t, it can poison your relationship.
“The issues you have with yourself can manifest into your relationship, leading to an unhealthy dynamic.”
As you deal with the issue of your girlfriend talking to a lot of other guys, remember that her behavior is ultimately up to her.
You can tell her where you stand and let her know your boundaries, as you should.
The rest is up to her.
But I know that even explaining your boundaries can be tough when you’re struggling with unhealthy dynamics in your relationships.
After watching Rudá Iandê’s Love and Intimacy Masterclass that I mentioned above, I realized that the notion of “owning” someone in a relationship is one such dynamic that is particularly unhealthy.
This can lead to a host of issues, from codependency to jealousy to a lack of emotional intimacy.
I took Rudá’s free course when I was grappling with similar issues, and it really helped me come to grips with my own feelings of jealousy and insecurity, allowing me to approach my relationship in a healthier way.
If you’re dealing with these challenges, you might find it useful too.
Click here to access the free masterclass.
8) Do a jealousy check
How jealous are you about your girlfriend talking to other guys?
Let’s get specific:
Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most jealous someone can be without actually becoming genuinely unstable or violent.
If you’re anything above a 5 then you need to ask yourself a very simple question.
Is your jealousy justified or not?
If you don’t know exactly who she’s talking to or why then you need to look at how she reacts to your reasonable requests about who she’s talking to all the time.
As long as you ask in a respectful way, there’s no real reason your girlfriend shouldn’t at least tell you who she’s talking to all the time.
If you see that she’s getting very close to a work colleague, for example, and worry that it might be going beyond mere networking…
You have a right to ask her something like:
“So, it seems like you and Sam are really getting along at work, hm?”
It doesn’t have to be an accusatory question, but you have the right to ask it, and there’s no real reason she should be that uncomfortable talking about her friendship with a guy at work.
If that’s all it is, she should tell you. And you shouldn’t be jealous.
9) Let her know your specific concerns
But what if you know for a fact that she’s not cheating and she opens up to you about her guy friend or guy friends…
And you’re still jealous?
This gets a bit trickier.
Because the truth of the matter is that emotional cheating is a real thing, absolutely.
And if you feel like she’s emotionally cheating on you and opening her heart up more to other guys than to you then it can hurt a lot.
Regardless of whether your girlfriend is taking her clothes off for another guy or not.
You may feel jealous of the affection, time and energy she’s giving to other men.
And feel very awkward about how to explain this to her without sounding insecure or creepy.
That’s where it’s important to be specific about your concerns.
Explain what bothers you and why. Avoid pinning any blame. Just explain your perspective and be ready to hear out your girlfriend about her perspective.
10) Don’t overreact
It’s important to emphasize the danger of overreaction. Burying your frustration or jealousy and repressing it is also a terrible idea.
But whatever you do, do not overreact to your girlfriend’s social life.
It has no way to end well.
If you want your girlfriend to respond to your concerns, you need to go about this in a mature and rational manner.
It’s fine to have concerns about her chats with guys.
But try to focus on how it makes you feel or open-ended questions about who her various friends are and why she likes them.
Hinting that she’s cheating or letting it become an accusation will lead to awful fights and counter-accusations.
And even if you’re the squeaky clean one in this relationship, those aren’t fights that you’re going to enjoy.
11) Don’t underreact
On the flip-side of overreacting is underreacting.
Now here’s the thing:
If your girlfriend is trying to make you jealous or angry that’s a toxic pattern and behavior you’ll have to address.
And you shouldn’t fall into her trap.
But if she’s flirting and chatting to other guys in a way that concerns you, then you shouldn’t hide it or “feel bad” for bringing it up.
Far too often, sensitive and good people gaslight themselves, especially in relationships.
They tell themselves they have no right to feel worried or upset…
That they have no grounds to be down or jealous…
They tell themselves they’re delusional, paranoid and out of line.
But they can’t repress the actual feelings and concerns, which eventually rise to the surface in a tsunami of resentment and chaos, usually ending the relationship.
Here’s my main point about this:
If you’re upset and uncomfortable with your girlfriend chatting it up with half the male world, then let her know about it in an easygoing but clear way.
Don’t make demands, but be honest. You’re only gaslighting yourself if you try to repress your concerns.
12) Ask your guy friends’ opinions
Never depend on others to live your life for you.
But:
Asking and considering their advice never hurt anybody.
You don’t need to follow what friends advise, but you can certainly hear them out.
Find one or two good guy friends and ask them what they would do in your position. Maybe they’ve dealt with similar situations, maybe not.
Either way, hearing fresh perspectives is always worthwhile.
Even a point of view that you consider overly aggressive or silly could make you see things in a new light.
As for a close friend who’s had a similar situation, his take may be especially valuable.
There’s no currency worth more than that of lived experience.
And asking the advice and experiences of close friends can lend you wisdom and learning that you’d otherwise have to learn the hard way.
13) Ask your family’s opinions
Your family may not be your favorite people, but they know you perhaps better than anyone.
If they know your girlfriend well, even better.
But even if your family doesn’t really know your girlfriend, they know you.
And they will be likely to have very valuable advice for you about what to do and what not to do.
Sometimes those close to us have observations about us that we miss out on.
It’s like looking for your glasses when you’re already wearing them.
Your family are the ones who point that out!
They may point out that you’re overly easygoing on your girlfriend, or that you’re too paranoid…
They may tell you to focus on something else, or they may tell you to dig deeper…
For that matter they may laugh it off and let you know that the whole subject really isn’t even worth discussing.
See what your family has to say! You might be surprised.
14) The final call is up to you
If your girlfriend is talking to other guys that’s one thing.
If she’s talking to other guys as part of being unfaithful or looking for an ejection seat from the relationship, that’s another thing entirely.
At the end of the day, nobody else can make the decision whether to continue with the relationship but you and her.
It takes two to tango, after all.
Whatever you do, and whatever discussions you do have with your girlfriend, I strongly urge the following:
- Avoid accusations
- Be reasonable
- Let her explain herself
- Really think over your next step before taking it
Talk is cheap
Talk is cheap. If your girlfriend is talking to other guys, I strongly urge you not to jump to conclusions.
Even if she is flirting, don’t overreact.
Deal with strengthening the foundations of your relationships.
Get back to the basics that brought and kept you together, and stay away from unnecessary jealousy.
Set your boundaries and stick to them.
Your girlfriend can talk all she wants, but make it clear that if and when that talk becomes more than just talk you’re going to walk.
