So you’ve done the deed and slept with him.
Most dating guides tell us men are simple creatures: sleep, sex, food and sports make their world go around.
But here’s a more comprehensive guide to what runs through his mind after making love.
What do guys think after you sleep with them? 20 surprising things you should know
1) “Nice, I just got laid!”
As classless as it might sound, one of the first thoughts that guys often think after making love is a sort of self-congratulation.
This thought is usually something along the lines of “nice, I just got laid!”
As Lachlan Brown says, men aren’t always contemplating some grand idea or thought after sex: many times they’re just happy they had sex.
They’re basking in the afterglow of having sex with you and feeling pretty proud of themselves.
There they are feeling like a stud, nice and satisfied and fairly full of themselves that in a world full of frustrated people they just won gold at the horizontal rodeo.
Even the most confident and experienced man can sometimes get a rush of juvenile self-satisfaction after sex and start picturing himself as James Bond while he cuddles in your arms.
Whenever you’re wondering what a guy’s thinking after sex, keep in mind that it could just be that he’s thinking he’s happy and patting himself on the back for bedding down with an attractive woman.
2) Did I take too long to finish?
If you’re wondering: “what do guys think after you sleep with them?”, it’s important to start with the simplest options first.
These are the most common things a guy thinks of when he’s finished making love.
Right up there is anxiety about whether he took too long to finish.
There’s a general stereotype in pornography and sexology these days that the longer a guy takes to orgasm the more pleasure a woman gets.
But men also get very insecure when they aren’t having a climax for too long, particularly if they worry that their male member got a bit soft during the act.
For this reason, he may worry that you felt he wasn’t “manly” enough or somehow disappointed you during sex.
If he’s highly attracted to you, then he may be quite worried that the amount of time it took him to orgasm makes it seem like he’s not into you.
This can tap into many of his insecurities and make him start to obsess over whether there’s something wrong with him or whether you are disappointed in him somehow.
3) Did I blast too fast?
On the flip side of the coin, a guy often wonders whether he came too fast in sex.
He doesn’t want to seem like an eager prom guy who just kissed a girl and then deposited his squigglies straight into the condom with an embarrassing grunt.
It’s embarrassing and humiliating to him to think that you may be judging him or laughing at him for orgasming too quickly.
While he may like the fact that it shows he’s very attracted to you, a man who orgasms quickly will often feel shame that he couldn’t “hold out” and have more discipline or forbearance.
If he starts asking you whether he finished too fast or making jokes about his “trigger happy” d*ck then you know that this is probably on his mind.
“This is one of the biggest concerns of every guy out there, whether they are in a relationship or not, and it is a direct attack on their self-confidence.
“In their eyes, finishing too fast is a surefire way to ruin everything.
“And we have to agree on this one, right ladies? If they finish too fast, they will obsess over that fact for hours, weeks, and even months.”
4) He wants to know if you really came
Men often think about whether or not they made a woman have an orgasm after sex.
They know that many women fake their climax and they get very insecure about this.
The idea that men don’t care about whether the woman they were with actually came is mistaken, in my experience.
They often do care, although it’s sometimes in more of an egotistical than some generous way.
They want to know if they were “good enough” to bring their partner to the heights of pleasure or not.
This is one of the most common things that men think about after sex.
“Knowing that a woman reached climax and had an orgasm stroke a man’s ego when it comes to making love.
“It’s even better when you both complement each other and get there at the same time. It assures him of his skills and gives him a sense of accomplishment.”
5) He’s thinking about whether it will be awkward to talk about the sex
Some guys just want to roll over in a ball and forget about the world for a bit after sex.
But men who are the talking type may be thinking about whether the sex was good or not and wanting to talk to you about it.
If you just finished making love, he may be feeling a bit awkward and vulnerable.
If he wants to ask you how it was for you, he may be struggling for words.
After all, saying “That was really good, wasn’t it?” can come across as pretty insecure.
If he’s wondering how it was for you then this could be what he’s thinking of.
But he’s just brainstorming how to bring it up as a subject.
And you know what?
Talking about sex shouldn’t be awkward, ever! How else are you going to find out what your partner finds attractive in sex if you don’t know anything about their preferences?
I’m not saying that talking about sex is easy, though.
That’s why you may need to speak to a professional relationship coach first to figure out how to ease the tension while talking about sex with your partner.
In fact, speaking to a professional coach at Relationship Hero is something I tried myself.
Their personalized advice helped me to feel validated in my feelings, and more confident in approaching tricky subjects than I could have ever imagined.
In just a few minutes, I was connected with a certified relationship coach and got tailor-made advice specific to my situation. The advice I received clearly came from an expert with a deep understanding of relationship dynamics, intimacy, and sex.
They helped me to understand where I was expecting too much, and also too little in certain areas.
My sex life and relationship improved drastically because we’re able to communicate openly about what we both want or don’t want now!
6) He’s curious about whether you’re worth more to him than just sex
Many times after sex, the slate is cleared and a guy finds himself really thinking about whether it was just sex or more.
He may be pondering what you mean to him and looking at it in a fairly no-nonsense way.
Does he really like you? Or now that he’s slept with you is he more or less feeling like he won’t think of you much again and it was just sex?
We still do live in a society where many men use women for sex and objectify them, so if he feels there’s not a lot more to you than what happened in bed then he may be hoping you feel the same lack of romantic interest.
“If you had sex with him and he enjoyed it, the best thing to do now is to please his mind. Blow his mind with your thoughts and ideas about life.
“Make him see that you’re not a sexual object, but a woman filled with sense and value. When he gets to fall in love with your genuine personality and intelligence, the rest will follow.”
7) He’s curious about what you’ll say (if anything) to your friends
Another one of the biggest things guys think after you sleep with them is about what you will or won’t say to your friends.
Maybe you like to kiss and tell or you never do, but he’s often going to be curious about your after-action report.
Will you tell your closest friend? Maybe a group of two or three or more?
Will it be a positive report or will you admit some embarrassing or disappointing things about sex with him when the filter comes off?
If he’s a bit insecure this is even more common for him to worry about.
“Is she going to tell her friends? What will she say?
“Again, he’s paranoid about whether you liked it and what you’re going to tell your friends.”
8) He’s curious about how his size stacks up with other guys
This might sound immature, but one of the things that guys think about most after sex is how their male member stacks up compared to other guys.
No matter if they are small or not, many guys have a bit of a juvenile obsession about the size of their meat stick.
Sometimes after sex, they may become insecure or just highly curious and start wondering whether they were big for you or not.
If they come right out and ask, then obviously it’s on their mind.
But even if they don’t, there’s a good chance this could be what they’re thinking of.
It’s a little sad when a guy gets hung up on the size of his dingle, but it is what it is.
And it’s a common thing for him to be thinking about after sex.
9) He’s thinking about an ex and feeling sad
Another one of the top things guys think after you sleep with them is about their ex.
Whether or not the sex with you meant very much to them, the guy may become reminded of a past partner and get lost in nostalgia and sadness.
Unless he’s also in love with you, the sex could make him feel hollow and empty in comparison to a past girl whom he was really in love with.
This can be difficult to watch as the storms of disappointment and regret wash over him.
But keep in mind it’s not your fault and you did nothing wrong.
If a man remembers his ex as a result of having sex with you, that’s his baggage to deal with.
He shouldn’t be sleeping with someone if it makes him feel guilty or upset. That’s not on you, that’s on him.
Relationship coaching - done online
Find a personal coach and get relationship advice specific to your situation. Take a quiz, get matched, and receive instant support via phone or video sessions. Affordable pricing + discounts available.
10) He’s getting paranoid about whether the protection worked
Another one of the most usual things guys think after you sleep with them is whether the protection worked.
If you used condoms they may be preoccupied with being sure it worked.
If you’re in something more serious or didn’t use protection they may be going over articles they read about the effectiveness of your birth control method.
Never underestimate the potential of a guy to go straight to worrying after just having had sex.
It’s actually quite common, particularly if he’s not quite sure if he can trust you or if there was some kind of worry about the birth control going into your interaction.
“He’s laying there thinking, OMG I hope she is on the pill. I’m not ready to be a dad or have any interest to be in a commitment right now for that matter.
“You’ll see the look of terror go across his face if he is thinking this one.”
11) He wants to go to sleep but worries it would be rude
One of the top thoughts guys think after you sleep with them is that they want to sleep.
Then again, this isn’t so much a thought as a feeling of extreme drowsiness.
He just wants to drift into dreamland, but he knows that you might be insulted so he tries to master that eyes-half-closed Buddha look without fully being asleep.
Signs that this is what is happening are exactly what you’d think:
- He grunts or mumbles to respond to things you say
- He looks like he’s practicing how much he can squint without fully closing his eyes
- His mouth begins to gape open and you can just tell he’d snore and be a goner if he didn’t feel self-conscious about it
Of course, the easiest tell of all here is if he just plain does fall asleep after sex, which is super common.
If this is the case then you can bet that he’s not thinking of anything at all, except maybe replaying your love scenes in his dreams.
12) He might be thinking nothing much at all
This point is sort of “meta,” but one of the top things that guys think about after sex is…nothing at all.
Many women spend energy and interest in trying to figure out what a man is thinking when all he’s thinking is absolutely nothing.
He’s breathing in and out, living in the moment, attaining some caveman state of enlightenment post-coitus.
That pretty face of his is just relaxing in the afterglow and no neurons are firing around with anything much at all.
He’s just vibing there in the moment and enjoying the fact that he just had a pleasurable physical release.
Sometimes there isn’t much more to what he’s thinking at all.
“Yes, sex is a big deal to guys but probably not in the same way as you.
“You might dream about the beginning of something special and spend the rest of the following days thinking back over what happened.
“Your guy probably isn’t quite so obsessed with it.”
13) He’s brainstorming how to leave without being a d*ck
If the sex didn’t mean much to the guy or he’s really busy, he may be brainstorming how to take off without you getting offended.
He doesn’t want to come across as an insensitive d*ck but at the same time, he’s got an overwhelming urge to hit the road.
This has become a cliche in romantic comedies and dating guides, about how guys get the urge to run once they get their rocks off…
I wish I could tell you this was just an urban myth.
But it’s definitely very common.
As great as the sex was, sometimes all he’s thinking about in the moments after is how to get dressed in an easygoing way and get gone.
He may even be thinking how to turn down having a shower and just book it.
Some weird instinct kicks in and he feels like he just wants to get home and sleep or maybe spend some quality time with a bag of Cheetos and the game.
This can be the morning after, but it’s also very common that he wants to get gone right afterward in the five or ten minutes after having finished your amorous adventure.
“For some guys, the morning after a hook-up means one thing – getting out.
“They’ve gotten what they wanted and aren’t looking for anything serious, so why bother hanging around?”
14) He’s wondering how much sex means to you
One of the top things guys think after you sleep with them is how much sex means to you in general.
Some women view having sex as a big deal and may get very emotionally involved once they’ve become intimate with a man in this way.
Other women are more casual about it and may not regard sex as particularly significant to their relationship or whether or not they have feelings for a guy.
If he’s just had sex with you he could be wondering how much sex means to you in an emotional way.
Are you the type who’s going to read a lot into what happened or consider him your husband now?
It also depends on how a guy has interpreted the experience.
Does sex mean a lot to him or is it just a lay?
Are you thinking about the encounter in a similar way as him or not? These thoughts could well be passing through his mind.
15) He’s more excited in general than analyzing the sex
Many times a guy who’s just had sex is thinking about how good he feels but not really about whether it was good or not.
Even if he recognizes whether it was good sex or not, this isn’t necessarily going to define things going forward.
Many times, people put too much stock in sex and think it means a lot about how the relationship will go or whether the guy is happy or not.
If this is your first time having sex with him, that’s especially likely.
Jake writes about this at Glamour, talking about his experiences sleeping with various women during a rebound period:
“Ultimately, the first time is…the first time, not necessarily a blueprint for all future sex-capades. I dated a woman after college, and we had incredible first sex: tender, sweaty, and mind-blowing.
“But our relationship didn’t work, and the sex was never that good again. Likewise, bad sex the first time isn’t going to send us running for the hills.
“Remember, we’re psyched just to be there.”
16) Wondering if he’s better than other guys you’ve been with
Another one of the things that many guys wonder about after sex is whether they are better or worse than other guys you’ve been with.
This is that monkey instinct again: the desire to compare and judge against other men.
Many times men do this out of an abiding sense of insecurity because they have no real sense of their own personal power.
When we don’t know our own power or have let it go to waste, we try to use juvenile things like sexual competitiveness to feel a sense of security.
It’s really quite useless, and it never results in satisfaction.
Even if he is better than other guys you slept with, what does that really prove?
Some of the worst relationships and connections ever start with amazing sex.
And sometimes fumbling awkward sex is only the anxiety at the beginning and it gets much better later on.
17) How about round two?
Sometimes a man wants nothing more than a repeat performance.
This is especially true if he’s a relatively younger age and has a lot of stamina.
When you find a good thing, it’s natural that you want more and more of it.
I know that I’ve experienced having sex three times in a row almost without stopping.
That’s when I knew it was out of this world and it was no surprise that we’d had so many sessions in a row.
“If the sex was good, there’s a 90% chance he’ll want to do it again.
“The real question is whether he wants a Friends with Benefits or a serious relationship.
“The more time you spend bonding together before sex, the more attached he will be,” advises Matthew Coast.
This is so true.
18) He’s hoping you’re not catching feelings for him
Sometimes a man gets concerned that you’re catching feelings for him as a result of sex.
Or, he’s wondering if you were open to sex in the first place because you are already developing feelings for him.
If he doesn’t feel the same way, then this is scary and a turn-off for him.
If he does feel the same way, or thinks he might, then this is inspiring and makes him happy to think you might be feeling the same way
When a man doesn’t want more than sex, but you do, the atmosphere in the room may become a bit strained as he worries about whether you’re getting feelings for him.
So what do you do in a one-sided feelings situation like this?
If you’re suspecting that you might be falling for him a little harder than he is for you, I would look at why that is.
One-sided feelings situations usually stem from the person with more feelings, trying to fulfill a part of them that they feel they lack, in someone else.
And that part of them is usually self-love.
And guess what? The other person can feel that – even subconsciously. And it pushes them away even further.
That’s what I learned when I was falling really hard for a guy, who didn’t feel the same way. But I was recommended the world-class shaman Rudá Iande’s Love and Intimacy masterclass and everything changed.
I saw all my patterns so clearly – how I was trying to fill the void in myself with romantic partners, and how it was sabotaging my relationships.
Thankfully, I was able to cultivate the self-love that made me know my worth in relationships and shift this repetitive dynamic for good.
I highly suggest you do the same if you find yourself falling for a man who doesn’t return your feelings.
19) Wondering whether he’s getting feelings for you
Another one of the things guys think after you sleep with them can be whether they are getting feelings for you.
He may have just wanted a fling but now is noticing that he’s feeling a lot more.
After sex, these feelings may become most inescapable for him.
Because he can no longer lie to himself and tell himself it’s just about sex anymore if he’s just had sex and he’s still feeling so much affection and desire for you.
Romance and sex are certainly linked, but they’re not the same thing.
And if he’s starting to get feelings for you, then he may be navigating that tricky territory between the physical and the emotional.
What seemed like it could just be a good time has suddenly got his heart involved and he’s wondering where you two go from here.
20) He’s thinking that he’d die for a cheeseburger and fries
Last but certainly not least, one of the top things guys think after you sleep with them is that they’re really, really hungry.
After all, sex burns a lot of calories and it’s a real workout.
This is especially the case if he already wants a snack before he heads to bed with you.
Now that the deed is done he’s lying there thinking about crispy bacon and club sandwich or a burger and fries with delicious ketchup.
The sex has made him really hungry and that’s all that’s on his mind.
It may not be romantic, but this is a far more common topic for men to think about after sex than many women realize.
Even if you rocked his world, now he’s ready to stuff his face with calories and satisfy his hungry stomach.
“Sex is strenuous; you get tired and hungry afterward, so maybe while you’re all up in your head wondering what he is thinking about and fretting, all there is in his head is food.
“Most men think about the next meal they are going to eat immediately after sex, choosing between a good burger and chicken wings may be all the activity going on in his mind.”
How much does sex really mean to a man?
When you’re wondering how much sex really means to a man you have to look at male psychology.
There’s no better person to ask than an expert.
Dr. Lindsay Gibson is a licensed clinical psychologist and bestselling author who’s done deep research into what sex really means to men.
According to her, the first important thing to realize is that sex isn’t just about the physical act for many men. It’s also deeply tied to their sense of self and validation.
As Gibson writes:
“Men’s urgency about sex is not always about physical desire only.
“Sex can satisfy multiple needs at several levels for a man, giving him an opportunity to feel closeness, vulnerability, reassurance, and self-transcendence all in one experience.”
As Gibson explores, sex can be a really powerful experience for a man, giving him a temporary way to go beyond the ordinary expectations and “toughness” that are expected of him in daily life.
“Lovemaking softens tough male defenses and moves him into the sublime experience of merger with another person,” she writes.
“Men are so pressured to be practical, rational thinkers that sex becomes one of their only ways to rise above the tyranny of what everyone expects of them. They can leave their brains and reconnect to their souls.”
The issue that comes up is some men start to look at sex as a way to fill an emotional hole or express themselves without having to talk to such an extent that women feel they are being used.
“Men have to realize that if they are trying to meet all these needs primarily through sex, their female partners will get burned out,” Gibson notes.
It’s great to have a healthy sex life and be open about it.
But if you want to get into a man’s mind and heart after sex it’s important to understand him on a deeper level in general.
Sex can never be separated from other things in life and if you’re wondering what a man’s thinking after sex, it’s almost always going to be related to the connection the two of you have.
If you’re serious then he may be thinking of his future with you or how much he loves you, but if you’re just hooking up or have a friends-with-benefits type situation then he could well be thinking of being hungry or an appointment he has at the dentist tomorrow.
No guy is perfect and there are all sorts of situations where he won’t be in the present with you, but this doesn’t have to become your new normal.
Life after sex
Sex matters and I’m not here to downplay that.
There are many things a guy may think after sleeping with you.
But in many ways, sex acts more as a catalyst and clarifier than the center of a connection you have with someone.
Here’s what I mean:
If he has feelings for you, then making love can enhance and amplify these emotions.
If he doesn’t care much either way, then he may duck out soon after sex or even feel awkward.
Sex can mean everything in the world, and sometimes it can just be sex.
It all depends on the connection between the two of you.
I like the way gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson put it:
“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.”
So, if you feel like the dynamic is imbalanced and he’s stringing you along for sex, and you can’t stop giving it to him because you’re developing feelings, it’s definitely a sign to heal your self-love.
Through the expert advice of the shaman Rudá Iandê, you’ll know how. As I mentioned earlier, his Love and Intimacy masterclass helped guide me on my journey of self-love and healthy intimacy.
Maybe it can help you, too.
Here’s the link to the masterclass again.