I know it sounds incredibly harsh. But sometimes you need to know the truth.
He doesn’t love you anymore if he’s showing you these key signs.
1) The relationship doesn’t give him a sense of purpose
Men need to live meaningful lives and to dedicate themselves to the people we care about.
I know this because I’ve recently created an online course on taking responsibility for our lives. What I teach is the importance of having a sense of purpose and taking action every day towards it.
And I think that the realization that men need a sense of purpose can be incredibly powerful for women.
Because if your relationship doesn’t give him purpose and meaning, then this is a clear sign he doesn’t love you.
The good news is that there is an easy way to give him what he needs. More on that below.
But first, conventional wisdom says that men only fall for exceptional women — maybe she has an incredible personality or is a firecracker in bed. That we love someone for who they are.
However, I think this way of thinking is dead wrong.
Men care less about the attributes of a woman than they do about how the relationship makes him feel about himself.
Ask yourself these questions:
Does the relationship provide him a sense of pride and purpose? Does it fit within his identity… the way he wants to see himself as a man?
That’s what the hero instinct is all about. I’ve touched upon this concept above.
Men have a biological drive to feel needed, to feel essential, and to provide for the woman he cares about.
The hero instinct speaks to the built in desire men posses for something in life that goes beyond sex and even love.
For a relationship to be successful, it must give men a sense of meaning and purpose. That you genuinely want and need to have him around. Not as a mere accessory, ‘best friend’, or ‘partner in crime’.
How do you trigger the instinct in your man? And give him the sense of purpose he craves?
The best place to start is to watch this free video by relationship psychologist James Bauer. You can watch it here.
James reveals the exact phrases you can say, texts you can send, and little requests you can make to trigger his hero instinct.
By triggering this instinct, he’ll immediately see you in a whole new light. Because you’ll be unlocking a version of himself he’s always longed for.
2) He can’t be trusted
According to Rob Pascale and Lou Primavera Ph.D. in Psychology Today, “Trust is one of the keystones of any relationship—without it two people cannot be comfortable with each other and the relationship lacks stability.”
Without trust, love can’t flourish. Without trust, a relationship can’t grow.
If you can’t help but think that he’s betraying you or cheating on you, it might be that your intuition is right, and he might not love you.
Sometimes, however, it’s even smaller things.
Maybe he told you he deleted the dating app on his phone but you notice it’s still there.
Or maybe he lied about how close his friendship is with his ex-girlfriend.
It might not mean he’s cheating but it’s not a great sign for open and honest communication down the road. Keep an eye out for warning signs.
Remember, trust and respect is one of the most important aspects of any healthy relationship, and if he can’t be trusted, then there isn’t much chance for the relationship in the future.
3) He makes you feel like sh*t
Is he constantly putting you down? Does he not care about your opinions? Does he think he’s better than you?
These are signs that he doesn’t respect who you are as a person, and most likely, these disparaging comments will take a huge hit to your self-esteem.
This isn’t always completely in-your-face, either.
Sometimes it can just be little sarcastic comments he makes, or him turning away when you tell a joke. If he’s being passive-aggressive and unappreciative of who you are then you need to take a step back.
Sensitive people can often blame themselves and wonder what they’re doing wrong, but chances are that you’re not to blame for his weird reactions and little digs at you.
Most people want to be a relationship because it makes them feel better.
Researcher Dr. John Gottman studied numerous couples and found that couple who stayed together typically had 20 positive interactions for every one negative interaction; couples who split up had 5 positive interactions for every one negative interaction.
This points to an important truth about relationships: They’re supposed to make us happier. If you want to know if he is really into you or not then pay attention to how he makes you feel.
If it’s true love, you’ll both give and receive evenly and make each other feel special. If you’re feeling the opposite from his words and actions, then he likely doesn’t love you.
4) You’re just not his priority
Does he get annoyed if he has to do something for you? Does he never go out of his way to help you out?
If you answer yes to these questions, then you just might not be at the forefront of his mind.
In other words, he’s only in the relationship because it’s “convenient” for him. If you’re looking for signs he loves you this is — unfortunately — a sign that he probably doesn’t.
Does he forget plans you made or send you a two line email for your birthday that you can tell took him about 10 seconds to do in between beers with his buddies? Not a great sign. At all.
Sure, maybe he’s just a lazy bum. But maybe (and this one’s more likely) he’s just not that into you.
A man that’s truly in love will make you his priority and will go out of his way to help you.
Tracy K. Ross, LCSW, a couples therapist, told INSIDER that whether they make you a priority lets you know that they value your connection.
5) He doesn’t care what you have to say
Dating expert Justin Lavelle told Bustle that “listening to your partner when [they’re] speaking is one of the most essential shows of respect within a relationship.”
Does this guy do the smile and nod thing? Is he bobbing his head like a marionette and being condescending with “yeah, for sure” and similarly vague comments when you ask him a question or say anything?
if he’s tuning out and treating you like a nobody then he’s not in love with you.
A guy who cares about you deeply will hang on your words.
He will care about what you have to say.
If he struggles to listen to you and doesn’t even consider your opinions about anything, then that’s a surefire sign that he doesn’t respect you.
As we’ve said above, without respect a relationship can’t grow. And without respect, love is almost non-existent.
6) He refuses to stick to any plans about the future
A man that loves you will commit to a future with you. Every time he talks about the future and what his plans are, it will always include you in it.
So if he’s extremely non-committal and refuses to even think one week ahead, then he might not see a future with you.
Does he really love you but he can’t commit to seeing you even once or twice a week? That’s doubtful.
When a guy loves you he wants to see you and think about the future.
Sometimes he might just be stressed or preoccupied but it isn’t that hard to tell the difference.
Does he go from Mr. Easygoing to Mr. Awkward and Silent in two seconds when you bring up your plans next month and ask him what he’s doing? Red alert.
Tina B. Tessina, PhD. says that a man could be afraid to commit as “he may still be holding out for “Ms. Right” or have a secret yen for someone else, who is unavailable (his friend’s wife, his brother’s girlfriend, his childhood sweetheart).”
7) His main priority with you is sex
If all ever wants to do is have sex with you, and he avoids hanging out with you unless it involves sex, then it might be a sign that he only sees you as fun.
In a healthy relationship, sex is only one facet of many different facets. Heather Cohen, a research scientist, told Bustle that “putting all your positive ‘eggs’ in the sex basket is risky.”
He should also be willing to have deep conversations and romantic dates with you that doesn’t involve sex.
Your intuition and observation can tell you the answer on this one.
Does he basically ignore what you say and rush through dates to get to the “dessert”? Is he constantly trying to get your clothes off before even saying more than a few words?
Does he want to get inside you but not interested in what’s actually inside you? Warning sign.
A man that’s truly in love with you will want to spend time with you no matter what. To truly love someone means to be interested in more than just their body.
8) He never helps you with anything
Does he never come to your aid when you’re in need of help?
If you mention that you need a toothbrush, does he go out of his way to go and get it?
Is every day a new uphill battle to feel like this guy even cares about you much at all?
Even worse, maybe he helps you but then brings it up in the future as a reason you need to do favors for him or excuse poor behavior on his part. The simple fact is you can tell he just doesn’t really want to help you in any real way.
It’s little things like this that show a man that’s in love.
When a man loves you he wants to help out.
If he doesn’t care for you, or help you when you need it, then it’s a sign that he isn’t in love with you and he is only in the relationship for himself.
As we mentioned above, “compassionate love” (love that centers on the good of the other) is important for healthy love, so if he isn’t showing any compassion, it might be a bad sign.
9) None of his friends and family know about you
If you go out with his friends and they have no idea who you are, then that could be a bad sign that he never talks about you.
When you love someone you are proud of them and you want to introduce them to those closest to you.
“People who want to build a future together blend their lives — they don’t keep them separated,” Eliza Boquin, the owner of The Relationship & Sexual Wellness Center, told Bustle.
If a man is in love, he can’t help but mention his love interest to his family and friends.
If you bumped into his friend at the grocery store and they looked startled because he never told them about you then you already know this is heading in a bad direction.
Does he seem awkward about even telling you about his family or friends and obviously not want to introduce you to them?
It likely means you aren’t someone he sees as a long-term, serious love interest.
10) He keeps trying to change you
If he’s asking you to change who you are and how you go about life, then that’s a sign that he doesn’t love you for who you are.
He thinks he’ll be happier if you change your personality or habits.
Nobody is perfect, but if you love someone it also means you are willing to accept their uniqueness and not need to constantly try to change them to your exact specifications.
“Don’t do this, do that.”
“Why are you like that about X?”
If these kind of statements have become the background soundtrack to your time with this guy he doesn’t love you or, if he does, his form of love is toxic and you need to address it with him head-on.
According to Andrea Bonior Ph.D. in Psychology Today, having to put up a facade can get in the way of true emotional intimacy and make you feel empty over time. A man who pays attention to the real you and doesn’t try to force you to change is a man who’s worth your time.
You deserve a man who loves you for who you are, not a man who is trying to change you into something you’re not.
11) They don’t remember the little things about you
For some reason, they just can’t remember any little details about you.
Despite spending time with you, they haven’t noticed what your favorite food is even though you’ve told him a million times. If he never pays attention he just might not be that into you.
Everyone can forget a birthday or one thing you mentioned a time or too, especially when there’s a lot on your plate.
But if he forgets that you even have a dog when you told him ten times or doesn’t recall your hours of describing your childhood love of gymnastics it’s a sign that he’s not in love.
“If the person is not inquiring about your life or is not trying to get to know you by asking questions,” Social worker Danielle Forshee told Elite Daily.
“They [don’t] integrate you into their daily life or talk to you about their day or integrate you into their life in general.”
This is a clear sign that his mind is elsewhere and you aren’t a priority in his life. A guy that loves you will remember every little detail about you because that’s where their interest lies.
It might sound minor, but one of the key signs he loves you is him caring about the details and things you tell him about yourself.
Conclusion: Does he love you?
Although these 19 signs he loves you will help you to figure it out, the truth is that he may not even know the answer…
Men are wired differently to women. And we’re driven by different things when it comes to relationships.
I know this because I’ve been an emotionally unavailable man my whole life. My video above reveals more about this.
And learning about a new concept in relationship psychology has made it crystal clear why I’m like this.
It’s not often that a mirror gets held up to my lifetime of relationship failure. But that’s what happened when I discovered the hero instinct. I ended up learning more about myself than I bargained for.
I’m 39. I’m single. And yes, I’m still looking for love.
After watching James Bauer’s video and reading his book, I realize I’ve always been emotionally unavailable to women because the hero instinct was never triggered in me.
My relationships with women involved everything from ‘best friends with benefits’ to being ‘partners in crime’.
In hindsight, I’ve always needed more. I needed to feel that I was the rock in a relationship. Like I was providing something to my partner that no one else could.
Learning about the hero instinct was my “aha” moment.
For years, I wasn’t able to put a finger on why I would get cold feet, struggle to open up to women, and fully commit to a relationship.
Now I know exactly why I’ve been single most of my adult life.
Because when the hero instinct isn’t triggered, men are unlikely to commit to a relationship and forge a deep connection with you. I never could with the women I was with.
To learn more about this fascinating new concept in relationship psychology, watch this video here.