If you’re dating a guy and you’re worried he’s just not that into you it can be a difficult experience. I know from past relationships I wasn’t very interested in that the way I acted would have made it clear if my past girlfriend had known what to look for.
That’s why I’ve put together this list of 17 signs he doesn’t care about the relationship. This is for everyone who is with a man who’s just a bit too distant, too confusing, too non-committal … and leaves you with that nagging feeling that he simply doesn’t care about the relationship.
Does he really not care or is something else going on?
In many cases, the line between him really not caring or something else going on is a matter of compare and contrast.
Compare and contrast how he behaves with you versus his general behavior in life and to others.
You may be with a guy who’s going through deep depression or personal instability or who has a general problem of being uncaring towards others. This can certainly be a relationship-ender as well.
But to see if you’re the specific person who’s no longer on his list of priorities is a matter of comparing how he treats you with how he treats others.
And if you find from reading this list that he doesn’t care about the relationship it will hurt … but it’s better than living a lie.
Getting stuck in codependent patterns and wanting someone else to “fix you” or complete you is extremely common in relationships.
Even those of us who are convinced we’ve left these patterns behind can find ourselves falling back into them unconsciously in many cases, particularly with a person who sets off buried trauma and habits in us and our behavior.
And it inevitably ends in disappointment and pain.
Why does it always rain on me?
When it comes to relationship disappointments, false starts, let-downs and heartbreaks it can be a lonely, crushing feeling indeed …
You may feel alone like the universe is against you, or like you always get hit right where it hurts but other people seem to be coasting and finding what they need.
Story of my life …
The truth is that almost all of us have felt that way and many of those who look like they’re on top of the world feel like they’re at the bottom of it behind their bright smile.
Many of those of us who’ve had extremely bad luck initiating, maintaining or finding relationships that fulfill us can get lost in the self-doubt and despair, but we can also realize that a sad or distressing situation when it comes to love can present an unexpected opportunity.
I found the shaman Rudá Iandê’s free masterclass on finding true love and intimacy very helpful in breaking down a lot of the mental and emotional blocks I had to finding love … What Rudá teaches wasn’t what I expected but it is exactly what I knew deep down was true for years.
His teachings and practices have helped turn around and improve my whole approach to being single, finding love, and thinking about love …
It also inspired me into making this guide for those women who can feel their guy drifting away but aren’t sure why and sometimes don’t trust their own instincts.
Back to the list …
This list of 17 signs he doesn’t care about the relationship is for those who are still deep in the trenches of the romantic battlefield.
You have a guy you care about a lot but it doesn’t seem to be reciprocal. In many cases, a connection that may have started off as something incredible and full of fireworks and romance has become a tired routine, a one-sided and depressing experience like hitting your head against the wall.
This is where many women will begin a process of self-doubt and self-blame. Was it something you said? Is your appearance getting worse? Is he just plain getting tired of you? What can you do to change things and make him like you the way he seemed to used to?
Alternately, you may ponder whether he has recently experienced a horrible life event or circumstance he’s not telling you about, or whether he’s met someone new.
Needless to say, none of these are exactly reassuring thoughts.
But before you go too deep into the mental cavern of self-doubt and speculation it’s key to assess what’s actually going on. Is he giving you all the classic signs he doesn’t care about the relationship or are you reading into it too much and it’s something else entirely?
This list of 17 common and important signs he doesn’t care about the relationship should help clear up any confusion.
1) You’re his last priority
This is something you will notice in the small things and in the big. He thinks of you last and he cares about you last.
Whether you’re casually dating or in a serious relationship he seems to see you as part of the background scenery.
He calls you up when other plans fall through. He doesn’t let you in on his plans. He puts work, friends, his own worries, and goals ahead of you and anything to do with you.
Even for sex or during intimate moments you may get the impression that he sees you as someone who “will do for now.”
If you’re getting this emotional vibe around him then chances are you are picking up on his inner state and relation to you. The reasons for it may vary, but if he’s treating you like you mean nothing then it’s not just your imagination.
Even tough and not overly emotionally open guys know how to show affection in their own way. If he’s not doing that then something is amiss.
2) It’s all about the physical
Physical intimacy is an important part of your connection with a significant other, but it’s not a replacement for real intimacy and rapport.
If a man cares about you on a deeper romantic level he’s not going to only be focused on sex.
He will enjoy laying next to you and talking to you, watching a movie and joking around, doing activities together, and sharing your lives in a real way.
If the guy you are with is only bringing every back to sex and getting time for a sheet session before he hits the road then you need to step back and think twice.
Many men are able to treat sex in a much more cavalier way than women, and the fact that he wants to make love to you does not necessarily mean that he’s actually in love with you or sees any future to your relationship.
This practice of using someone for sex can be true of women as well – of course – but it’s especially likely when it comes to a man who’s using you for sex.
Although he may have started off with real feelings – or whether it’s always been this way – him using you for sex could indicate that you don’t mean much more to him than a night at home alone jerking off to porn.
And if that’s not a degrading and unromantic thought for a woman to consider about the guy she likes and how he feels about her then I don’t know what is …
3) He makes zero effort to fit you into his social life
I know that when I have feelings for a girl it’s hard for me to stop talking about them: to family, friends, even random strangers in some cases – I guess I am a chatty Cathy.
The point is, that even a guy who doesn’t talk as much as me is going to be a little bit pumped to introduce you to his buddies and those he cares about most.
In the same way that you will likely be curious what he thinks of your friends or whether he finds your dad overbearing or gets along with your brother, the man who has feelings for you is going to be fascinated, anxious, and invested in what those closest to him think and feel about you.
He’ll be proud to be out with you in public, excited to see how you mesh with his crowd, and enthusiastic about making you a part of his social life at least to the extent and occasions when you want to be.
He may have the thousand-yard stare when you ask him about this or shrug it off as being tired or not thinking you would be into his friends.
He may tell you any number of excuses about his family being critical or too obsessed with his love life.
But at the end of the day whatever element of truth his excuses may have, this is a clear sign he doesn’t care about the relationship.
4) Signs he doesn’t care about the relationship: he’s a T-Rex
Hopefully, your boyfriend or husband doesn’t literally resemble a T-Rex – although this is a minimal judgment zone – but what I mean here is that his hands only seem to extend far enough to grasp at and ask for things.
Like a T-Rex with short little paws, he’s fine taking food, money, love, attention, and anything else that’s given out.
But he ain’t giving it.
He’s not the type to go out on a limb to offer a helping hand.
If you want a hand unloading groceries? That man is pawing at his video game console like a fiend before you even turn off the car engine.
Want some advice about work? He’s feeling down today, and he could use some TLC himself. What a coincidence.
Looking for just some basic help setting the table or getting a ride to a friend’s? His little T-Rex arms just can’t – or won’t – get the job done.
And let’s not even get into what his little T-Rex arms are getting up to in bed.
And if you push the issue? That’s where you might get to hear his dinosaur roar.
You may start to sympathize with prehistoric meteors.
5) Your happiness is irrelevant to him
This should have a caveat: one of the main signs he doesn’t care about the relationship is when your happiness is irrelevant except where it directly relates to him getting what he wants (when he wants it).
The solar system of your relationship revolves around him and only him.
He expects love, attention, and concern during times of trouble but he dishes out almost nothing and when he does it’s little random gestures that don’t take any time or real interest.
He expects you to show up and be present for him but he doesn’t do the same for you.
When you’re down he acts uncomfortable and shifty as if he just witnessed a stranger start talking about alien conspiracies or had an old woman hit on him at the bank.
The overall vibe here is … uh no thanks, good luck with that.
6) He’s interested in almost anything but you
This one is a real self-esteem booster.
You may start to feel this guy is interested in almost anything but you.
He’ll marvel at a “how they do it” show on TV or laugh endlessly at a friend’s joke, but the interesting comment you make about how World War 3 is about to start or how you met the funniest person today who explained the meaning of life to you in the most unique way just bounces off him like water off a duck’s back.
He absolutely simply could not seem less interested.
And it’s bound to hurt just a little, especially if you care a lot about him and what he thinks and feels.
Now and then he comments to you on the side like you’re some sophomore sports commentator intern who just joined the big boys’ table, but more or less he keeps you in an energy-starved corner where you function as scenery.
He doesn’t ask anything about you and even during a crisis or big issue he sticks to the absolute bare minimum of “need to know.”
Maybe it’s time that he “needs to know” you’re out …
7) He’s the opposite of jealous
Jealousy is a toxic emotion, especially in high doses.
But a complete lack of jealousy can also be one of the clearest warning signs he doesn’t care about the relationship.
I know that when I have feelings for a girl I am curious about who she’s seeing and whether there are other guys on her radar. I’d like to think I’m not a controlling person – and anyway I’m smart enough to know it doesn’t work – but I do admit to having tinges of jealousy and wanting her for “myself.”
Maybe those are insecurity issues I need to work on in myself, but what I know for sure is that in cases where I haven’t been into someone at all I haven’t felt that jealousy.
They could literally be telling me about how they met the hottest guy ever and wish he would fall in love with them and my internal thoughts were:
“Awesome, good luck.”
I just didn’t care, because I didn’t care about the relationship and was no longer invested in it.
In fact – I’m ashamed to say – part of my inner dialog was actually wishing they would meet another guy so I wouldn’t have to feel this weird mix of guilt and “get me out of here” and be stuck in a zone where I was too cowardly to break up but not invested enough to actually commit.
8) You’re ‘just another girl’
As Killers lead singer Brandon Flowers sings in the song “Just Another Girl” (2013):
“All of my friends say
I should move on
She’s just another girl
Don’t let her stick it to your heart so hard
And all of my friends say it wasn’t meant to be
And it’s a great big world,
She’s just … another girl”
The thing is the narrator of the song doesn’t agree with his friends. He can’t move on. This girl and his breakup from her has torn his world apart. She isn’t “just another girl,” she’s someone he can’t forget or replace.
As Flowers sings: “maybe all of my friends should confront / That I don’t want just another girl.”
Regardless of this “one-itis” and its merits or truth, the point is that a guy who doesn’t care about the relationship will actually see you as “just another girl” (if not even less interesting and attractive than just another girl).
He won’t really care what becomes of your relationship and won’t do anything to salvage or work on it. He doesn’t care if you look good or bad. He just … doesn’t care.
9) His hero instinct is non-existent
The hero instinct is a term coined by psychologist and author James Bauer to explain a deep motivator behind men’s attraction …
It involves a man living up to his masculine potential: protecting, helping, and “saving” a woman in a metaphorical – and sometimes literal – sense.
The guy who doesn’t care about the relationship will be the opposite of a hero.
He won’t even open the car door for you, much less take any significant steps to help you out or improve your life.
The part of himself that gets attracted and committed hasn’t been stimulated or has drifted away through a combination of your behavior or his own issues.
But the end result is that he’s going to be the opposite of protective and caring. He’ll be emotionally and physically absent and constantly make it clear that you’re taken for granted.
10) Future plans? Yeah, right …
If future plans do come up a guy who’s in love will generally react with trepidation, excitement, interest, and extended attention.
One of the biggest signs he doesn’t care about the relationship is that he just wants it to continue as normal without any effort on his part.
And he doesn’t want to hear or think about the future.
Even something as simple as future career plans or a family issue that could require moving lead to him getting a blank stare or suddenly having to take a call.
He may throw out some token interest or say he will “have to think about it,” “tricky one,” “crazy times yeah, we’re gonna have to discuss it,” and similar throwaway lines.
Also isn’t it interesting that guy will say “we’re gonna have to discuss it” while you are trying to … discuss it?
I know that when I’ve been with a girl I wasn’t into the topic of future plans made me uncomfortable and shifty and want to change the subject. So watch for any behavior on your guy’s part that seems to show this kind of inner state.
11) His wallet is radioactive
It’s not that he is Homer Simpson and works at a nuclear power plant.
It’s that he simply can’t seem to touch his wallet – or even bring it with him sometimes – when you’re going near anywhere he might be expected to pay for you.
Going out to dinner? He’s having a tough time with money and can you just pay just this one time?
A thoughtful box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day? Nowhere to be seen.
He may even ask you to cover for gas and other low-down freeloader moves.
Now there’s every possibility that a guy really is having financial issues – these days especially Lord knows it’s definitely a thing.
But if he’s mooching off you with no shame and constantly sneaking out of any buying on your behalf even small items or essentials that happen to come up then you are eventually going to have to ask yourself just how much he cares about your relationship.
Would going $2.25 into debt on his credit card to buy you a box of mints at the gas station really devastate his financial future or is he just not that into you?
12) Real talk is nowhere to be found
One of the blaring signs he doesn’t care about the relationship is a guy who always dodges real talk.
Want a serious conversation, like, ever? Nope. Sorry. He’s so not there for that.
Even if you’re right on the cusp of breaking up with him he just seems indifferent and more or less completely uninterested in having a real discussion about your relationship, future or … anything else, actually.
This guy has basically checked out and is expecting you to carry all his baggage for him forever while he lives his own life at the same time.
He’s treating you like a 1950s concierge and a personal assistant who has to conform to his every whim and demand.
And he’s not tipping.
When you bring up an actual subject to discuss he looks at you like an annoyed oil tycoon with a twirly mustache who has to deal with a bothersome underling.
Time to fire his ass.
13) He just touches you if you’re blocking the door
As I mentioned before, if he’s just using you for sex it’s one of the chief signs he doesn’t care about the relationship.
But paradoxically another potential sign is when he isn’t even into the sex anymore, either.
The only time he touches you is if you’re blocking the door or he has to tap you on the shoulder to ask where the car keys are.
The sex -if there is any on occasion – is non-existent or subterranean in quality. He’s a human starfish auditioning for a spaghetti commercial and a non-responsive taker with about as much ability to arouse you as a festering blister.
If he does sleep with you it’s all about him and is more like a “job” that he’s getting done.
14) He openly checks out other women
Men like to see an attractive woman, that’s no secret. The time was (or hopefully still is) that he’d look at you that way too.
But one of the biggest signs he doesn’t care about the relationship anymore is when your man starts openly checking out other women.
If you ask him about it he may chuckle or play it off but he’s unlikely to really deny it much and may even start suggesting things like a threesome or “open relationship” under the guise of sexual open-mindedness.
This is also known as him not being that into you and wanting to get some strange while still telling himself it’s an ethical thing to do.
If you see your guy openly lusting after other women or basically appreciating them but not giving you a second glance then you’re dealing with a guy who’s checked out.
Maybe it’s time you did the same.
15) He’s sleeping with other women
Cheating might be entertaining on shows like Cheaters, but in real life, it’s far less made-for-TV and far more depressing, confusing, enraging, and lame.
If you catch your guy sleeping with other women – or even just sexting and messaging them with intimate intent – then it’s time to read this as one of the signs he doesn’t care about the relationship.
Which is what it is.
If he cared he would restrain himself.
You may tell yourself he’s just a dumbass, or too horny, or has bad impulse control, but at the end of the day, respect is a two-way street.
If he’s going behind your back and you catch him isn’t it time to ask yourself all the things he’s done without your knowledge that you didn’t catch him doing?
Logic would say yes … And whether you like it or not these are the kind of tough situations that have to be faced head-on or risk becoming even worse down the road.
16) He doesn’t answer calls and texts and if he does his replies are minimal
In the daily busy hum of activity and communication, it’s normal to get overburdened and forget to answer texts or leave calls to go to voicemail.
The difference is that your guy does it basically all the time.
This is right up there with the clearest signs he doesn’t care about the relationship.
If he did he could at least take the extra five seconds to tell you he’s busy and will call or text back. But he doesn’t.
Even though you probably know in the back of your mind that he does do that for his friends and the other girls he could very well be talking to behind your back.
17) He doesn’t seem to enjoy time with you
All the other signs he doesn’t care about the relationship have reinforced this basic but fundamental point.
It might seem obvious but it bears emphasis: he simply doesn’t seem to enjoy time with you.
With someone you love or have feelings for, time with them is a gift and precious.
When a guy isn’t into it, however, it’s more like a chore.
This doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything you’re doing or “wrong” with you. But it does likely mean he’s not invested and he doesn’t care much.
If time with you is something he treats like a burden or a nuisance this is a very bad sign, and almost all the other signs on this list lead back to this basic issue: he’s not enjoying or committed to being with you.
And if that’s the case it’s time to move on …
Sometimes leaving is the only way forward …
Even if you’ve invested a lot of time, affection, and energy into a relationship, sometimes getting out is the best solution.
If you tell yourself you’re not good enough to meet someone new or that it will never happen you can end up becoming trapped in an endless cycle and becoming a doormat who begins to get accustomed to never receiving real attention or love …
And that’s not good. Not good at all.
The time and love you put into your relationship do not go to waste if you walk away. Doing your best and knowing when it’s time to move on is a sign of maturity and self-respect.
If you’ve already tried to trigger his hero instinct and you’ve been considerate in multiple ways – even going down the dark path of self-blame and obsessive worry – then there may not be anywhere left to go.
There is nothing wrong with communicating directly with your partner and telling him what is going on. You feel ignored, you feel overlooked and you feel he simply doesn’t care.
If he becomes angry, overly defensive, or ignores you then you’ve likely hit a nerve.
If he makes an effort to listen and genuinely absorb what you’re saying and then takes steps to become more conscious and work on your relationship together then there could still be something to salvage.
At the end of the day the choice is yours: just remember that you’re worthy of love and a guy who cares about the relationship.