We have all felt that low-key panic, right?
You know, that deep, deep fear that the person we love most might just up and leave us?
I’ve felt it myself—that unmistakable, unspoken worry that creeps in, messing about with my confidence and making me question where I stand with my partner.
Often, in the past when I have experienced these fearful moments, I have turned to the writer bell hooks. For real, I cannot recommend her enough!
hooks wrote excruciatingly honestly on this fear in her book All About Love. She also offered up a hopeful remedy to it.
“A generous heart is always open, always ready to receive our going and coming. In the midst of such love we need never fear abandonment. This is the most precious gift true love offers – the experience of knowing we always belong,” wrote hooks.
Perhaps you have noticed this fear of abandonment in your partner, and you want to be the generous heart, and the sense of belonging, that she needs.
If this resonates with you, let’s take a look at six of the behaviors she might show that mask the insecurities and fears she’s grappling with underneath it all.
Let’s start with a big one: she’s starting to get worried about your alone time.
1) She becomes fearful when you need your own time alone
Does it feel like you and your special lady are practically joined at the hip? Forever in each other’s company day in and day out?
Sometimes, this is totally normal in the beginning stages of a relationship, aka the “honeymoon phase.”
Ah. Who doesn’t love this blissful time? Truly, it’s like the two of you can’t get enough of each other.
But if it progresses beyond this early phase, and she’s the one steering the ship, clinging onto you for dear life, it might mean she is a little scared of losing you—without even fully realizing it.
Perhaps this arrives in the form of you one day casually mentioning needing a bit of solo time.
Maybe to dive into a new book or hit the gym with a buddy.
Suddenly, you spot a noticeable shift in her. Maybe you see a hint of worry in her eyes, or a trace of tension in her posture.
If your partner is truly secure in your connection, and doesn’t fear abandonment—as writer bell hooks explored—she should not only understand but actively embrace the idea that you’re your own person with your own interests and need for healthy time alone.
When the mere mention of some “me time” causes her discomfort, it’s a tiny sign that she might be fretting about the stability of your relationship.
This can often signal an internal struggle with their own insecurities, rather than be a reflection on anything you have done. So fear not.
I find it always helps to reassure your SO that your need for space doesn’t equate to a desire to leave them.
So, go on, share your honest thoughts, express your feelings in a kind way, and emphasize that your commitment to her is real and long-standing.
Remember, it’s way less about her not trusting you and more about her not trusting herself to maintain the connection—which handily brings me to our next point.
2) She is overly perfectionistic about her appearance
Let’s talk appearances, shall we?
It’s Friday night. Finally! The two of you are gearing up for a night out on the town.
You see her, looking gorgeous as always, except there is one little thing…
She is meticulously fixing every detail, gazing at herself in the mirror as if each swatch of eye makeup holds the key to your vested interest in her.
This peculiarly high level of attention to detail in how she perfects her appearance might be about more than just a need to look cute for you.
Of course, it’s totally healthy and normal to want to look good for your partner! But what I’m saying is when it becomes obsessive and a fixation, it’s not healthy.
So, if you see that she is going to great lengths to maintain a perfect appearance, it’s not just about vanity—it might just be a deeper fear of losing you.
Make sure you step up and be the reassuring partner who reminds her that her value lies way, way beyond appearances, and that your connection is more profound than all that surface-level stuff.
3) She asks incessant questions about what you’ve been up to
You arrive back in the apartment after a long day in the office, and before you can even grab a bite to eat, she fires off the questions.
How was your day? Who did you talk to? What did you have for lunch? Is everything okay?
If she is asking you non-stop questions about your comings and goings, she might be craving the confirmation that you’re committed to her for the long haul.
But why does she do this? Well, when someone’s super anxious, they latch onto what matters most to them.
They go searching for what they really, desperately need. And it isn’t always healthy. Sometimes, it can even push you away.
In this scenario, she’s clinging to the hope that your replies will offer a sense of security in the relationship.
4) She has trouble placing her trust and faith in you
Have you ever noticed her hesitating before fully opening up about a difficult part of her life, or perhaps a perceived character flaw?
Maybe she even goes as far as keeping her goals and dreams to herself.
If this is the case, it could be because of past relationships where trust took a hit, and she faced betrayal and heartbreaks.
Now, she’s understandably a little more fearful and cautious, unwilling to open up in case she is left or hurt.
She values what you two have and is genuinely afraid of losing it.
So, the next time you sense that subtle hesitation, it pays to dive a little deeper and help her to open up.
Try to understand the origins of her worries and try to nurture the trust between you two. You’ve got this!
5) She plans things with you far in advance, be it dates, events, or holidays
Have you ever noticed how she meticulously plans every detail of your future dates, events, and even holidays abroad? Booking in non cancellable flights and accommodation?
Yep, I am talking about concrete plans, baby.
It might sound wonderful, to have got yourself a planning extraordinaire, but you could take it as a subtle hint that she’s concerned you will leave her before these dates.
By booking in things, she is weaving a safety net of commitment, one well-thought-out date at a time. It’s kind of clever, if you think about it.
This way, if you have plans stretching out into the distant future, it’s like a contractual agreement that makes it pretty hard to get out of. And she knows that.
6) She often asks for validation that you like or love her
Ever been in a situation where your SO repeatedly seeks validation assurance about your feelings for her? If so, this can be a subtle hint about her insecurities.
This might come in the form of “You do like me, right?” or “Do you really love me?”
We as humans crave connection and closeness, and the fear of abandonment can naturally come with that.
So, this level of validation seeking, via these questions, isn’t just about wanting sweet words, rather, it’s about her unspoken fear of being left alone.
Final thoughts
So, what have we learned?
Well, we know that when it comes to the subtle indicators that point towards her fear of you leaving, it is never a straightforward matter.
A few clues come in the form of the fear of your alone time turning into a permanent vacation from the relationship, the need for constant validation, and the trust issues from past relationships.
If you are looking to maintain your relationship—which hopefully, you are!—try to first off, encourage her to open up about her fears, and most importantly, listen.
Next up, offer her lots of reassurance and remind her that you’re indeed it for the long haul.
As bell hooks wrote, the most “precious” gift that real love offers is a sense of always belonging.
