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Tired of the relentless chase. The attachment has created suffering.
And now I am finding ways to justify or compromise my sacrifice and this leads to further self-hatred.
It’s a pattern. When it comes time to break the pattern, fear and sadness settle in obstructing me from breaking through. It’s not you, it is me. It’s over.
Now, I want what is best for me and perhaps you don’t agree. I am taking my power back into my own hands. How?
Before you can identify who your “life partner” might be, it is crucial that you become the partner life needs you to be first. How am I beginning to connect back to true love?
1) Questioning my foundation
I urge you to find out what it is in your own self that creates a lack that you search for another human to fill, and with this sense of entitlement what prevents you from seeing you are bound to be met with resistance.
Justin Brown mentions quite authentically in his article on being happy single that “When there’s so much emphasis in society on being in a relationship, we deny ourselves the time and space to develop a healthy relationship with ourselves.”
The primary issue being that the time and space intended to develop your strengths might be overbearing and sometimes even suffocating. I propose taking this time where you can be outside of just your own experience—and use this time and space not simply to be alone with yourself and promote singlehood as the only expression of self-love, but to participate in your community. There are plenty of organizations to offer your services to, donate, and involve yourself with.
Be recognized for something beyond just an intimate connection that you could share with one human being. It’s the practice of finding the reasons you love yourself because this fosters being present and when you are present with love you attract love and essentially become love.
2) Becoming an unconditional giver
Being of service truly brings out the original self of every person that is inherently loving and wants to be of need. Being of service to a community saves you from wanting to feel needed by just “one” single person which turns into an addiction and does not serve humanity as a whole.
Contracts do not guarantee happiness. Happiness will fluctuate. Life is more than an accumulative score of what relationships fazed out and which ones lasted and stood the test of time. No love is fake—although if you want to place a limit on love, you have also included yourself in that equation. Real love serves and gives irrespective of whether the reward will validate or ensure your ego that you do belong.
A sense of belonging is not fulfilled through another—but through your own effort to become the greatest version of who you are and to share these qualities and infuse them into every project you embark on. If you are consciously taking actions to make a difference in the lives of others your joy and the shared joyousness of others becomes your motivation and in this, you can truly immerse yourself. The last thing on your mind will be who did not respond to your last text or whether the person you are constantly thinking of is thinking of you—this will begin to seem so childish to you and although it is normal to search for reciprocity, you might begin to wonder why you are trying to find mutuality with this ONE specific person when there are so many other causes and associations that are open to your willingness and would love to have you on their team or workforce. The chase of finding reciprocity in someone that is trying to teach you something about your own patterning will never end until you finally choose to opt-out.
3) Changing my point of concentration
Every individual has a way that they learned to attach to a person, outcome, or life-changing event, and perhaps they are seeking out refuge through repeating the patterns to experience the comfort of that emotion no matter how unhealthy it actually was. Once you have given something or someone your full focus and still have not obtained is probably not meant for you. It’s best that the energy you are expending on trying to make this particular thing happen or person come to the realization of how much you “love” them, you might as well make yourself the point of concentration, and when you do, you will realize what changes are waiting to be made, not by someone else but by you.
4) Figuring out how to make my self-talk beautiful
The things I say to myself daily are essentially what I think of myself and perhaps I haven’t become fully aware yet of how hurtful these things are or how false. I have to get extremely real with me. If I am attracting fake love, maybe it is because I have faked loved myself and I believe this is the only time the phrase, “fake it till you make it” does not apply. Work your way from the inside out. No relationship will ever give you enough compliments or acknowledge, only you can do that for you and determine exactly what you need to hear and what you feel you are worthy of hearing. Start figuring out what it is you are subjecting your own body to- are you speaking words that are healing and kind? Take inventory and if you are not disciplined enough to start journaling—I don’t believe there are such people—then slow down. Make every thought and action count.
In conclusion, whatever you may have gone through has given you a new perspective. Perhaps it has hardened your heart or made you throw your hands in the air and say “I give up, this just isn’t for me.” The thing is, it probably is not, but the surrender is. The surrender will bring you insight, it will grow you in your wisdom, it will enhance your discernment, it will rid you of an old mentality and accentuate a new one. Make the lesson count.
You did not get a certificate for it, you didn’t achieve a tangible reward for all the pain you went through, but what has happened is you are renewed and no one can deny you of this. You have sensibility now, you have the “freedom to focus on learning and growing,” as Justin Brown mentions, but this time you do it for who you want to show up as in the world.
You don’t have to be heartbroken your entire life nor do you have to punish yourself for past situations. You aren’t being forced to shun yourself. You aren’t being manipulated or controlled by society to be in a relationship, nor are you being reprimanded for being single, because wherever you are in this now moment is exactly where you need to be in order to become who you are destined to be, let it feel right and it will be. The experience was necessary and now the choice to let it go and honor your healing is a choice only you have the power to make.