Why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t love me? 17 reasons and what to do about it

You’re trying to get over him. You’re trying to move on. But every time you bump into him, he pretends he’s been thinking about you for the last week when you know he hasn’t.

He wants something from you…what could it be?

Hey, you’re not alone. I have talked to countless women who have dealt with this exact situation. If he’s coming back, then he must have feelings for you, right? You’re not crazy and it just takes a little insight into the male brain to understand why this happens.

When a man breaks it off, you can bet that there are no feelings left. He’s given up on the relationship, but wait! Even though his conscious mind has moved on, his subconscious hasn’t figured out what happened yet.

In this post, we’ll explore 17 reasons why men come back to women they don’t love.

We’ll also examine what you should do if you are in this situation.

Let’s get started!

1) He’s not sure, he’s confused.

Many men come back to women they don’t love because they’re confused. They don’t understand why they still feel something for her.

They feel like this is the right choice and that you want them back. If you ask him what he thinks about you and the relationship he’ll say things like: “You’re so beautiful, sweet, intelligent, talented and I really enjoy being with you.” He may even say things like: “I’m still in love with you.”

You will often get the feeling that he doesn’t truly love you. However, he would never admit his feelings are not genuine.

He keeps coming back because he doesn’t understand what’s going on in his head. He doesn’t know why he’s still attracted to you. You look and act the same as the last time he left you, but for some reason, he can’t let his feelings go.

What should I do?

If this is happening to you, then what you need to do is help him get rid of that confusion.

Help him understand why he feels an attraction to you.

You can do this by asking questions that will make him think about the situation and his feelings. You have to be careful though, you don’t want him to know what you are doing. Your goal is to get him thinking about his feelings, not yours.

Don’t try to be friends with him. There’s a chance that he’ll get confused if you hang out as friends, and then decide he wants to be with you.

Also, it’s best if you don’t invest your time in men who don’t love you. If he doesn’t love you then there is no reason for him to be in your life.

If he doesn’t love you and he comes back, it’s just a matter of time before he’ll leave you for the next girl. Then you’ll be heartbroken again.

2) He’s looking for something else in you.

He comes back to you because he sees something in you that he’s looking for, but now he doesn’t know what that is. Often what he’s looking for is that feeling he had the first time you were together.

Maybe it was a very powerful physical attraction. Maybe it was the excitement of being with another woman. Or maybe it was just the chemistry you two had.

He has an idea of what he wants, but now he doesn’t know how to get it. He thinks that if you were together again, then somehow things would magically work out.

What should I do?

If this is what he’s trying to do, then you just need to help him. Don’t give him false hope though!

Tell him that maybe you can help him solve the problem. You can say things like: “If you want that feeling again then we need to make some changes.” The problem is that there are probably some things about the relationship that he doesn’t like anymore.

He thinks these things happened later in the relationship, but they may have been there from the beginning. He needs to look at the relationship and find out what is working, and what isn’t.

Tell him that he needs to be honest with you. If he really wants those feelings again, then he’ll need to look at why they existed in the past. He has to think about what’s different now, and what he can do to create the same attraction again.

You have to guide him when he starts feeling confused or unsure, otherwise, it can cause a lot of damage. He may end up blaming you for why things are not working. You have to tell him it’s not your fault, and that he needs to take responsibility for his feelings.

You can then help him realize that he’s dealing with a problem before it gets worse. You can give him some advice on how to get his feelings back, tell him what needs to be done, and how to do it. You can also help him see the difference between what he feels for you, and what he really wants.

3) He’s testing you.

He keeps coming back because he’s testing you. Maybe he’s looking for something, but he doesn’t actually know what it is. Maybe he wants to know if you can live up to his expectations.

Maybe he believes that if you were together again then things would automatically be better. However, you’re not in a relationship and it’s not even close to working out, so now he doesn’t know what to do.

What should I do?

If this is what’s happening, then you just need to make him aware of that fact. You can say things like: “I don’t know what you’re looking for, but I’m not the person to give it to you. I’m not into complicated relationships so I avoid them at all cost.”

You can also ask questions about why he wants to be with you again, or what he thinks about the future. You can ask about what he hopes to get from the relationship.

If he’s aware of what he wants, then it may prevent him from ever coming back. He’ll have to look at his expectations about relationships and ask himself why he’s expecting things to happen.

Men like this will sometimes say: “I just want to see what happens if we get back together.” They may say: “I can’t help thinking about you. I know it’s not good for me, but I just can’t stop.” Or something like: “I know it’s not a good time for you, but I really want to give this relationship another try.”

They will often try to change things about you and the relationship so it’s better for them. They believe that if you do something that they like, then the relationship will work out.

You have to tell them why this won’t happen. You have to tell him that you won’t change for anyone. You also have to tell him that even though he likes certain things about you, he’s not attracted to you anymore. And if there’s no attraction then there won’t be a relationship.

4) He’s trying to make you jealous (“I’m seeing someone else”).

He keeps coming back because he thinks that if he has a girlfriend, then he’ll be able to tell you about her. He thinks that if you have this other person, then you won’t want him anymore. To him, this is a way of controlling women, so they will always stay with him because of jealousy.

What should I do?

If this is what’s happening, then you have to be honest. Tell him that you won’t tolerate him treating you this way again. Tell him that if he wants to continue the relationship, then it needs to be on your terms. You don’t want a man who will use women like this.

But that raises the question:

Why does love so often start out great, only to become a nightmare?

And how to deal with an ex who keeps coming back even though he doesn’t love you?

The answer is contained in the relationship you have with yourself.

I learned about this from the renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me to see through the lies we tell ourselves about love and become truly empowered.

As Rudá explains in this mind-blowing free video, love is not what many of us think it is. In fact, many of us are actually self-sabotaging our love lives without realizing it!

We need to face the facts about an ex that keeps coming back even though they don’t love us.

Far too often we chase an idealized image of someone and build up expectations that are guaranteed to be let down.

Far too often we fall into codependent roles of savior and victim to try to “fix” our partner, only to end up in a miserable, bitter routine.

Far too often, we are on shaky ground with own selves and this carries over into toxic relationships that become hell on earth.

Rudá’s teachings showed me a whole new perspective.

While watching, I felt like someone understood my struggles to find love for the first time – and finally offered an actual, practical solution to a relationship with an ex who keeps coming back.

If you’re done with unsatisfying dating, empty hookups, frustrating relationships and having your hopes dashed over and over, then this is a message you need to hear.

Click here to watch the free video.

5) He doesn’t like to be alone (or away from you).

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Have you noticed? He keeps coming back because he wants to stay with you. But this isn’t the real reason he’s back. He really doesn’t want to part ways with you because he’s afraid of being alone. He’s afraid that if he leaves, then his life will be empty without you there.

It may be easy for him emotionally to be away from you, but in reality, it’s not. He’s still in pain, and he needs to learn how to deal with it. He needs to find a way to balance out the pain so that his life can be happy again.

What should I do?

It won’t work if you just ignore what he’s going through. You have to be sensitive to his needs. If he has a problem then he’s going to tell you about it, so you have to listen.

He may not be ready to deal with this situation, so there may be times when you need to give him space from you. You can say things like: “I understand this is hard for you right now, I will be here when you’re ready.”

When he eventually opens up to you, try to listen actively. Don’t get upset if he says something that hurts you. If it does, then tell him that you’re hurt and explain why.

However, don’t make it personal because it’s not about you. It’s not about him either, it’s about the situation that he’s dealing with in his life. His feelings are a part of this problem but they’re not the main reason for his actions.

6) He wants to get away from his problems.

He keeps coming back because he doesn’t want to deal with his problems. Men like this can be very manipulative people who want to ignore the pain in their lives. They’re just not willing to accept it or deal with it, so they try to keep it away from others.

They will avoid or try to avoid any problems that are in their lives. They’ll make it seem like they’re fine, even though deep down they feel miserable.

What should I do?

If this is what’s happening, then you have to find a way to make him face his problems. He’ll have to learn how to deal with them so that he can live a happier life.

He may not be ready to deal with his problems, so you may have to give him space. Kindly, remind him that if he needs to be happy, he needs to face his issues.

7) He’s looking for someone who will make him feel better.

He keeps coming back because he’s just not able to get the emotional connection that he needs. He can’t find someone else, who can understand him and give him what he wants. So now he’s trying to find it in you.

He’s hoping that if you got back together, then everything would be easy and his life would suddenly be better. He uses you to distract himself from his problems.

What should I do?

There’s nothing bad about being kind and helping him. But you need to make sure that you set boundaries with him. If you don’t, then he’ll keep taking advantage of your kindness.

Tell him that while you can be there for him, you’re not going to be his solution. He needs to face his problems and deal with them on his own. This way he will learn to be better and stronger.

8) He’s taking advantage of you.

Don’t let the feelings blind you. He keeps coming back because he knows that you have feelings for him. Maybe he doesn’t know that you love him, but he knows there’s a connection. And maybe he’s even tried to use this to his advantage.

Maybe he thinks that if a girl really likes him, then she won’t care about his faults. He’ll think that she’ll overlook the fact that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. So now you’re stuck with an emotionally abusive man who plays games with your feelings.

What should I do?

If you tell him that you will leave him if he doesn’t treat you better, then he’ll stop. Men like this are more attracted to a woman who does what she’s told and doesn’t say no.

They believe that if you love them, then they can do anything and everything they want because they know that you won’t leave them. This is one of the biggest mistakes women make when it comes to emotionally abusive relationships.

Tell him that whether you continue or not depends on how he behaves.

9) He’s chasing after something that doesn’t exist anymore.

He keeps coming back because he doesn’t want to let go of the relationship that you used to have together. When he was with you before, then everything was great. He loved you, he had fun with you, and he enjoyed your company.

But now all of that is gone. The feelings have faded, the emotions have changed, and the love that now stands between you seems like a distant memory. He’s holding onto all of those old memories of the past when everything seemed perfect to keep from moving on in his life.

What should I do?

If this is what’s happening, then it’s not your problem. He has to let go and move on. He’s holding onto the past and that’s making him miss out on the present. He needs to face reality and accept that things have changed.

What you can do is to show him how your relationship isn’t working anymore or how you’ve changed since your relationship ended. Let him know that it’s not working for you anymore, and it may not work for him either.

10) He’s not really ready to be in a relationship.

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He keeps coming back because he still isn’t ready to be in a relationship. He’s afraid of being hurt again.

So now he’s playing the “free spirit” card, saying that he doesn’t want to be tied down or to settle down right now. But this is only his way of avoiding commitment and making sure that he doesn’t end up getting hurt again.

What should I do?

Think about that for a minute, is being with this person worth your time? If not then you need to let him go. Tell him that he needs to face his fear of commitment and open up. If he can’t be with you, then he needs to find someone else who will make him happy. And if you’re the one that makes him happy, then he needs to admit it and commit.

11) He doesn’t know how to be in a real relationship.

As simple as that. He keeps coming back because he doesn’t know what being in a real, adult relationship looks like. He thinks that if you get back together, then he’ll be able to find what he’s looking for with you. He’s still trying to figure out exactly what it takes to make things work between two people.

What should I do?

If this is what’s happening, then you’re not doing him any favors by getting back together. The problem isn’t you, it’s him, and you need to let him know that he needs to do something about it. He needs to work on himself and figure out what it takes to make a relationship work by dating other women until he’s mature enough to handle it.

12) He’s afraid to lose the familiarity.

He keeps coming back because he’s afraid to be alone. He loves you, he misses you, and he enjoys his time with you. You’re familiar and your relationship is comfortable. What’s not to love?

But the problem is that he can’t let go of what was so that he can see what could be. He’s clinging on to this small part of his life that doesn’t really work anymore because it’s all that he has left.

What should I do?

If this is what’s happening, then you have to be honest. Tell him that you need different things in your life now and that you don’t feel like he’s a good fit for you anymore.

Tell him the reasons why so it doesn’t seem like it’s coming out of nowhere. Then give him some time to figure out if he can do better on his own. If he finds someone else and moves on, then good for him.

13) He wants to make sure you won’t be with anyone else.

He keeps coming back because he’s afraid that somebody else will take what he wants from you. When you’re with him, then he knows that you’re taken and that nobody can steal you away from him. When things are good between the two of you, then he doesn’t have to worry about anyone else being in your life.

What should I do?

If this is what’s happening, then you have to be honest. Tell him that you can’t promise that you won’t find someone else and that it may happen whether he wants it to or not.

Tell him that this is something for him to think about on his own, and if he does get upset about it, then it’s not your problem.

14) He wants the relationship back because you’re the only woman he’s ever had.

He keeps coming back because he thinks that you’re the best thing he’s ever had. He loves being with you and having a relationship with you, so he naturally assumes that you’re the best woman in his life right now.

What’s even worse is that now that all of his other relationships have fallen apart, he doesn’t have any other women to compare you to anymore.

What should I do?

If this is what’s happening, then you have to keep reminding him what you used to be like and that he deserves so much better than an empty relationship with you. Tell him that his exes never truly loved him enough and that everything is different now.

15) You’re the real deal… but he’s not ready to commit.

He keeps coming back because he’s afraid to commit himself to a relationship again. He knows that you’re great, but his fear of love and commitment is too much for him to overcome.

Instead of letting this hold him back, he always keeps you in the back of his mind. He always keeps hope alive that you’ll invite him back into your life again someday because he knows that you’re worth it.

What should I do?

If this is what’s happening, then you need to be honest with yourself and make an honest assessment of the situation. If he’s not ready to commit, then it’s not your job to make him.

You need to figure out how you feel about him and move on from there. If you love him, then it’s up to you to work things out with him.

If you don’t love him anymore, then you need to let go so that both of you can move forward with your life.


One thing is for sure: you can’t continue to go on like this forever. There’s a reason why he keeps coming back, but it’s out of your control. All you can do is decide how much longer you want to keep trying and what it will take for you to finally move on from him once and for all

Remember that your time is just as important as his. So if you never make a decision, then it will never go anywhere.

Only you can decide what’s best for you and your future. If he really wants to be with you, then he’ll stay around and prove himself over time.

If not, then it’s time to move on without him because the heart is not meant to be broken every single day. The next time that he shows up again is only going to break your heart even more than it already has.

If you think it through and consider the way that things are now, then you’ll see that it would be best for both of you if he went away and found somebody else.

Picture of Tanattiya Rungtham

Tanattiya Rungtham

I'm Tanattiya, a passionate writer with a focus on self-development, life enrichment and mastery of love. I have been through a versatile dating life that brought out the most loving and compassionate self in me. I believe the right advice at the right time can save you from heartbreaks that can potentially hold you back from giving love another try. It's my honor to share my experiences, insights and connect with my lovely readers.

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