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“Why can’t I get laid?” – 16 tips if this is you

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Do you feel like your pick-up skills are getting you nowhere fast?

Maybe you’re meeting plenty of women but not managing to seal the deal. Or perhaps you’re struggling to even get attention from the opposite sex.

If you’re wondering to yourself “why do I not get laid?” this article is packed full of practical tips.

1) Stop desperately trying to get laid

We may all like a bargain in the shops, but not so much when it comes to sex and romance.

If you come on too strong and seem desperate to get laid, people can smell it a mile off. If you’re too keen to sell something, we ain’t buying.

If it seems like you’re only saying or doing something just to please us so you can get sex, we don’t want to know.

Sure, some players and “bad boys” get away with coming on strong for whatever reason. Maybe they look like Chris Hemsworth or they’ve got the swagger of Kanye and it just works for them. But don’t be fooled, this isn’t something the vast majority of guys can pull off.

It’s never a good idea to go out on the prowl with sex on the brain, purely with the sole intention of getting laid.

Otherwise, you run the risk of spritzing yourself in the scent of Eau de desperate.

2) Build your confidence

I’ve seen a lot of talk about guys “with game” when it comes to improving pick-up skills.

It almost sounds like some magical talent, but “game” is just another word for confidence.

That’s not to be confused with arrogance which can be an utter turn-off. Inner self-esteem, self-worth, and self-belief — aka self-love — shines through.

It’s the firm foundation on which everything is built. So much so that everything else is just snake oil.

If you don’t like what you’re selling, then why would anyone want to buy it.

3) Consider whether you’re looking in the wrong places

Most of us realize that if you spend every night in your bedroom alone playing World of Warcraft, you’re not exactly best placed for meeting women.

But for a lot of guys dating apps can also be notoriously difficult to get attention on too. Research suggests that for a man, finding a partner on tinder is as low as 0.6%.

With so many potential connections clearly going nowhere, it can lead to an increased sense of rejection or failure — which you worry is unique to you, when actually it’s pretty universal.

It’s a good idea to think about your lifestyle, and whether you’re going to places where you could meet women. Luckily, there are still plenty of ways to meet people without online dating.

4) Try to meet new people

The more women you’re meeting, the more chances of clicking with someone.

Of course, the classic hook-up venues are bars and clubs. But plenty of other social places work just as well, whether that’s the coffee shops, gigs, galleries, etc.

Filling your time with cool hobbies and fun activities will give you a fuller social life. It will also make you more interesting and exciting to potential partners.

The more you extend your social network, the better.

5) Put yourself out there and make a move

I know it’s potentially sexist, outdated, and unfair, but it’s still often the case that women expect the man to make the first move.

Even if you’re getting on well and you feel some chemistry, if neither of you escalates things, you’re going to stay exactly where you are.

It’s a vulnerable feeling to show or tell someone you are attracted to them, but romance is vulnerable.

Admittedly, you need to be able to read the signs that she’s into you, but at some point, you have to progress things in a way that will feel right for both of you.

Pay her a compliment, ask her out, see if she wants to dance, get physically closer, etc.

You aren’t going to get laid if you’re not prepared to put yourself out there and show her you’re interested.

6) Accept that everyone faces rejection

You’ve got to get out of your comfort zone. I’m not saying you should try it on with any old person at the bar, but to a certain extent, romance is a numbers game.

Are you really trying to get laid? Because it’s an active process, not a passive process. It’s unlikely to come knocking on your door, so apathy is your worst enemy.

Underneath apathy is usually fear. No one wants to fail or face rejection, but the truth is that every single one of us does.

There’s no way to escape rejection other than totally withdrawing and refusing to even try.

A lot of people who can’t get laid have inadvertently stopped trying.

It’s never going to feel great, but learn how to handle rejection better and you’re going to dramatically increase your success rate.

7) Be yourself rather than putting on a performance

Don’t be full of sh*t, one-liners, or cheesy pick up lines. We weren’t born yesterday. It is just going to come across as corny.

You’re going to find pick-up websites out there that will tell you they have the “secret” to picking up dozens of women a night, or getting 1000’s of phone numbers and blah, blah, blah.

If your endgame genuinely is empty or meaningless hook-ups, then maybe lying, faking it, and pretending your way into someone’s pants can work for you. Although I actually don’t think the success rate is necessarily any higher than the tactic of being yourself anyway.

But if you want good sex, respectful connections, and eventually healthy relationships, then you’ve got to attract the people who are right for you into your life. And you’re not going to do that by pretending to be someone else.

Why sell yourself short. Besides, most of us can tell when someone isn’t being authentic and it’s a huge turn-off.

In such a diverse world, I promise you there are people perfectly suited to you. Don’t waste your time and energy trying to convince those who aren’t right for you that you are something you are not.

8) Aim to get to know people better

It’s true that men are generally more visual than women when it comes to attraction. It’s not that girls don’t go for a pretty face just as much as guys do. But we care who you are, just as much as what you look like.

The majority of women are looking for a connection, even if it’s only a casual encounter. They want to know you are interested in them. All of them, not just what is in between their legs.

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No woman wants to feel like she is being used. We want to feel good around you and for you to take an interest in us. But we also want to find out about you too.

Women can naturally be a bit more selective than men over who they sleep with. So be prepared to peel back those layers and show who you are.

9) Figure out what you are really looking for

Do you want a relationship, to date, or just to have sex?

Would you prefer to have a regular sexual partner, or are you looking for one-night stands?

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to hook up or have a friend with benefits situation, but it’s important to be honest with yourself (and the other person) about what you want.

Get clear on what it is you’re looking for. If you’re not the love ‘em and leave ‘em type, then purely trying to get laid could be short-sighted if you’re actually looking for a relationship.

10) Present your best self

You wouldn’t turn up to a job interview with sweatpants on. The same goes for getting laid. It’s a mini-interview and realistically, the other person is evaluating you.

That means following the basics of good personal hygiene and presentation.

Take good care of yourself —  shower, wear cologne, use mouthwash, dress sharply, cut your fingernails, etc.

You’ll not only look better but showing yourself off in the best light will give you a confidence boost too.

11) Hang out with single friends

Going to your coupled-up friend’s house every weekend might be nice, but it’s not going to help you meet anyone.

If you can recruit a few single friends it’ll give you some wingmen.

Single people tend to behave differently to people in relationships. They’re more open and on the lookout.

If you’re shy or unsure, confident friends can make picking up girls feel less nerve-wracking.

12) Practice your conversation skills

What to say to get laid? If only there was a specific formula. In reality, there isn’t a certain phrase you can utter that guarantees results.

But learning how to hold a good conversation is important.

If you are only having shallow chats with the sole aim of getting laid, then you’re not really getting to know someone.

Show genuine curiosity when speaking to a woman.

  • Be a good listener
  • Ask questions
  • Share things about yourself
  • Find out what you have in common

Imagine that the aim of the game is to get to know her and see if you are compatible — because ultimately that is the aim of the game — and the rest will follow on from that.

13) Brush up on your flirting

Some people seem to be natural flirts, but a lot of us aren’t.

Flirting is important in showing we’re attracted to someone, so if it doesn’t come naturally you need to brush up on your flirting skills.

That doesn’t mean being slimy, it’s just as much about being warm, engaging, enthusiastic, and showing interest.

Making good eye contact, teasing or joking with her, and showing your attraction through body language go a long way.

14) Be careful not to friendzone yourself

You can’t people please someone into bed, any attempt is more likely to get you friendzoned than laid.

I think one of the most frustrating phrases ever uttered by a girl about a guy is “he’s just too nice”. I also think it’s confusing and misleading too because I don’t think that is what they really mean.

What they usually mean is that a guy seems a bit of a pushover, lacking in personal boundaries and too eager to please. But that isn’t being “too nice”, it’s actually being too weak. That is what is the turn off.

The reason it’s such a turn-off is that we’re looking for someone who can stand on their own two feet, be their own man, and has the inner confidence to be independent. Sucking up to someone isn’t a sign of that type of man.

I’m not suggesting you should fall into stereotypes of toxic masculinity, but you also don’t have to hide your sexuality.

Yes, be respectful and decent, but act too sweet and neutral, and you will friendzone yourself. As soon as she ceases to see any desire or sexuality coming from your direction, you become too “nice” to sleep with.

15) Be realistic with your standards

If you’re struggling to get laid, it’s worth considering if you’re being a bit too picky.

I dated a guy once who admitted that watching porn had created an unrealistic idea in his mind about what women’s bodies should look like.

It makes sense, as research has shown men exposed to so-called popular erotica, then deemed real-life women as less attractive.

Do you want a woman or a Barbie doll?

Standards are incredibly important, and I’m not trying to convince you to lower yours, just to check in with whether they are fair and realistic.

16) Watch out for self-fulfilling prophecies

I know you didn’t just wake up one day and start telling yourself you can’t get laid, just for the hell of it. It happened because you feel that way, and because reality seems to match up with that assumption.

The absence of sex in your life tells you that you can’t get laid and you’re not going to magically change that overnight simply through the power of positive thinking.

I’m not asking you to make-believe your way into getting laid, but at the same time negativity starts to spread if you’re not careful. Simple facts get dressed up with harmful assumptions.

For example, the fact that “I haven’t had sex in 6 months” might become “I never get laid”. One is a fact, the other is an overgeneralization.

It’s not going to help you, or your confidence, by thinking like this. Because your beliefs do ultimately shape your reality.

And if you start to believe things like maybe I’m not attractive, people don’t take an interest in me, women are stuck up, etc. that’s the world around you that you create.

Why? Because you start behaving like it’s true. When you go out, rather than approach people, you think to yourself, what’s the point? I’ll only be rejected.

So watch your self-talk and your negative assumptions.

Written by Tina Fey

I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. I'm writing for Ideapod to try and find it again. Hope you enjoy the journey with me.

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