The brutal truth about what to do when there’s no chemistry

There’s nothing worse than when you’re into someone and then meet face-to-face only to find that there’s no chemistry.

Another awful experience is when you’re already in a relationship and you notice that the chemistry has faded away.

I hate when that happens!

That’s why I’ve put together this guide about how to tell if there’s chemistry and what to do if there’s not.

5 signs that there’s no chemistry

1) Eye contact does nothing for you

Couples who have chemistry can connect with each other with just a look.

One look is all it takes to light the room on fire and make both lovebirds want to hop into bed.

But when there’s no chemistry it’s a much sadder story. Looking at this person does nothing for you.

You look at your partner like they’re anyone and he or she is too busy to even give you a peck on the cheek.

Chemistry rating: F.

2) The sex is average at best

Sex without chemistry can still be passably decent, but it will never be fantastic.

You’ll notice that your desire to have sex is minimal and that you might even fantasize about another partner.

It’s not that sex needs to be out of this world with mutual orgasms and mindnumbing pleasure every time you touch.

But if you have chemistry it should definitely be above average!

3) Their touch barely turns you on

When you have chemistry, a simple touch can drive you wild. That’s pure chemistry, baby!

But when the chemistry is missing or basic you feel almost nothing.

There’s no shiver when he or she approaches, no sensual thoughts when he strokes your cheek.

If he touches you and you don’t feel anything, there’s a good chance there’s no chemistry between you.

4) Their smell is forgettable for you

Smell and aroma are deeply linked to eroticism and romantic attraction.

So let me ask you: how do you feel when you think about this person’s smell?

Does he or she come close to you and the waft of their perfume makes you want to kiss them? Do you get goosebumps?

If you can’t even tell what this person smells like and they don’t excite you when they get close, then beware: there’s a big lack of chemistry!

5) Their kiss doesn’t turn your world upside down

Kissing someone you’re attracted to and in love with is one of the best feelings in the world.

But if you’ve been kissing this person without feeling anything special, you might be all out of chemistry.

Better luck next time I guess…

A kiss with chemistry takes your breath away. It connects all your senses and does not let us think of anything else but the person we’re kissing.

If that’s missing from your relationship, then the chemistry is in big trouble!

10 signs that your chemistry is on fire!

Chemistry is the glue that connects all the other elements in a relationship. When there’s a steady supply of chemistry, there’s a desire that never runs out.

Chemistry is a unique affinity that you do not find with anyone else.

Here are ten signs that you have it in spades.

1) There’s magic in their touch

The way two individuals touch each other can reveal whether there’s real chemistry between two  people.

A handshake, a touch, a hug and even a caress are more lasting and intense when there’s chemistry.

It just feels special. And you don’t get tired of their touch.

2) You’re nervous around them (in a good way!)

The chemistry between two people can also show itself when one or both become nervous when they are together or close.

The physical attraction we feel for the other causes us to lose a certain amount of control in how we act and respond.

Lucky us…


  • Touching this person’s hair repeatedly
  • Rubbing and wiggling nervously
  • Shivering and getting goosebumps
  • Fiddling and fidgeting

3) You get butterflies in your stomach when you think of them

That cold acquaintance in his stomach, when he’s about to see the person he likes.

Mixture of feelings, which can also generate a certain distress and despair.

4) You sweat like a pig around them

When you feel strong attraction for someone it can trigger a very embarrassing reaction:


This phenomenon happens because the body reacts to the strong interest we are feeling and gets excited.

Our sweat glands then start pouring out the good stuff from our hands, feet and armpits.

Ain’t love grand?

5) You make each other laugh like crazy

Laughter can be a very crucial sign of chemistry.

When someone makes you smile, it’s because you feel good with them and appreciate the funny way they see the world.

If somebody makes you smile and laugh on a regular basis, then you can bet the chemistry is strong.

Believe me…

Laughter can be the way to someone’s heart, don’t doubt it!

6) Their smile lights up your world

The power of a smile can reveal a lot about the chemistry between two people when they are interacting.

Even if they don’t say anything, it’s pretty easy to make someone smile when they’re attracted to you.

If someone makes you happy and makes you smile just from being around them then you can be quite confident that the chemistry is solid.

7) You mirror each others behavior

Mirroring is an interesting behavior that psychologists observe in two people who are attracted to each other.

The body always shows signs of interest, even if someone tries to hide it.

There’s no need to say a word. The mere fact that you’re repeating each other’s gestures means a lot.

It means you and this person are connected and it’s a big sign that there’s chemistry between you.

8) The conversations flows naturally

Engaging conversation is a crucial part of chemistry.

When you can talk up a storm with someone and not get bored, you know you’ve struck gold!

Never underestimate the power of a good conversation.

Sizzling and funny conversations mean that you have major chemistry!

9) Their eyes turn you on

Eye contact is one of the most important elements of attraction and romance.

If you have chemistry, the gaze of the other person will turn you on both physically and emotionally.

You’ll never get tired of staring into their soul and having them stare into yours.

It’s as simple as that.

10) The attention they give you feels super special

Attention feels good.

That’s true in general, but it’s especially true when it’s attention from somebody you’re interested in.

Every look, comment and joke makes you feel like a million bucks.

You feel at ease in each other’s presence and you want more.

It’s a great feeling…

What to do if your chemistry has gone missing

If you go out on a date with someone you’ve been talking to and find there’s no chemistry, you know what to do.

Make an excuse or just tell them directly that you weren’t really feeling it and you’re busy with other things.

But if you’re in a relationship and the chemistry’s gone missing, it’s a little bit trickier.

Plus, how do you know…

It might make a comeback, right?

Well, that depends…

You should never stay in a relationship because of a “maybe,” and there are times that the lack of chemistry is bad enough that it’s really time to call it quits.

Other times there’s still a chance to make it work.

Here’s a look at…

14 things to do when there’s no chemistry

Sometimes the lack of chemistry isn’t the end of the road and there is the chance for a comeback.

If you’re sure that the relationship is dead then it’s time to walk away (which I will discuss below).

But if you think there’s still some embers in the fire, here’s how to give it a go…

1) Get some spicy conversations going

Has your partner ever sexted you in the middle of a workday?

It’s pretty hot, and I highly recommend it.

Just keep that phone screen angled away from your coworkers!

Tell him or her that you’re thinking about them and doing some very naughty things…

Get some spicy conversations going and be ready to rip each other’s clothes off at the end of the day…

Chemistry status? Back on. Bigtime.

2) Put some tongue into it

How are your kisses?

If you and your partner aren’t getting turned on by kissing each other then maybe it’s a simple matter of adding some tongue.

French kissing is sexy for a reason…

Give it a try!

Let your tongue linger, savor and explore…

Hold your partner’s head and pull them close. Let them feel the fire that’s burning inside.

3) Let your hugs linger

A recent study from the National Institutes of Health found that hugs release bonding chemicals like oxytocin and increase the romantic link between a couple.

Try hugging it out for a bit longer and letting those good chemicals flood you both.

Try hugging for an entire minute, for example!

It helps stimulate sexual feelings and can do wonders in rekindling the chemistry between you and your significant other.

4) Go back to basics

Do you remember what your relationship was like when you started, back in the very beginning?

There was probably butterflies in the stomach, a lot of excitement about the future and a ton of sexual passion!

Wouldn’t it be epic if you could go back and find that feeling again?

I have some suggestions when it comes to this…

5) Rediscover buried treasure

It’s worth it for you to reflect and remember what your relationship really was like back then.

Make a list of what makes you miss the most from when you first got together!

I’m not saying you can go back to exactly how things were, but you might be surprised how much things can still improve.

There are real ways to rekindle chemistry if you’re both willing to take a chance and put in some work.

6) Explore your dreams together

For one thing, think back to how you were when you started out.

What dreams did you have for the two of you?

What dreams did you have individually?

Go back and talk about these dreams and see what you can do to make them come true.

You might find that your chemistry starts slowly coming back…

7) Hold hands and be physically close

Remember how you used to hold hands and be physically close in the early days of dating?

This can be another key thing to tap into if you want to revitalize your chemistry.

The brutal truth about what to do when there’s no chemistry is that usually the best move is to leave the relationship behind.

But by being physically close and giving it a chance you can see if there’s a way to still stay together.

8) Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Remember the butterflies in your belly when you knew your partner was coming?

Or when the phone rang and it was his or her call?

But once the novelty wore off it faded…

The key is to start spending a bit more time apart. Let your partner miss you…

Absence makes the heart grow fonder – it really does!

9) Diagnose what went wrong

Only you and your partner can really know what has changed since the beginning of your  dating.

What made the intensity fade? Maybe it was just time, maybe it was more?

If you can diagnose what went wrong, you can figure out how to fix it.

Write a ranked list from one to 10 about what’s made the chemistry fade in your relationship.

Then try to improve one issue per month.

10) Heat things back up in the bedroom

It’s not always possible to have sex that sizzles as much as it did at the beginning.

But with a few tricks you can turn the heat back up…

Try out roleplaying and be open to trying new things in the bedroom.

Work on your body in the gym and wear makeup and new sexy outfits that turn your partner on.

You might find that your hands are all over each other once again much sooner than you expected.

11) Less is more

At the beginning of dating you would go to the bathroom with the door open or watch TV in tattered pyjamas?

If you’re doing this, stop now!

It’s not always necessary to make giant changes that will completely change your relationship.

Sometimes it’s the little things like looking after yourself a little better and not pooping in front of your partner that will turn the love lights back on…

12) Keep some surprises ready

There’s still a lot to explore out there!

Keep some arrows in your quiver to surprise your partner.

Maybe it’s a weekend ski getaway or a gift. Maybe it’s a boob job or a new haircut.

Whatever it is, surprising your partner can be one way to get the chemistry flowing once again.

Don’t be afraid to take a risk.

Just be careful that if you get a boob job you choose somebody trustworthy to do it!

YouTube video

13) Get out of your rut

I doubt that in the beginning of dating you and your partner would spend as much time in front of the TV as you do now.

You two need to get out of the rut by taking walks together! Or going to the symphony!

What about dinner in a cool new restaurant or feeding ducks in the park?

It can be simple, but do something to get out of your rut.

14) Finding a new and happy balance

Finding a new and happy balance isn’t easy.

If chemistry does start coming back it often does so slowly and undramatically.

Be patient and don’t expect miracles.

Think about positive improvements that are happening and be honest about whether they’re enough to start changing things around or not.

Even more tips to spice your chemistry back up…

Keep date nights open…

It is important to book at least one day per month for a relaxed night out.

Try somewhere new, go to a movie or take a walk in a romantic part of town.

You never know where the night will take you.

Choose your foods

When it comes to dinner for two, not all foods are created equal.

Try ordering delicious desserts with whipped cream…

Light some candles and order truffles, oysters and erotic foods.

They will get you both feeling very randy.

Open the lines of communication

Open the lines of communication with texting, messaging and calls.

Don’t overdo it, but make sure you’re talking.

You’ll never get anywhere by expecting your partner to read your mind.

Stock up your wardrobe

Depending on the taste of your partner, there’s a lot you can do in the wardrobe department.

Buy sexy lingerie or a muscle shirt that shows your new biceps just right…

It’s going to be a wild night.

‘Hey honey, do you want a massage?’

Who doesn’t love a relaxing and intimate massage?

If this doesn’t get your chemistry set back up and running then I don’t know what will.

And if exploring your partner’s body doesn’t turn you on even a little bit then it’s probably time to move on…

Indulge in some afternoon delight

Surprise your partner at lunch and then take them to a motel.

Indulge in some afternoon delight and let your passions run wild.

I think you know what I mean, right?

Get oiled up

For the massage or for having sex, intimate oil can go a long way.

If your sex life has been lacking, try out some sweet-smelling oil that lubes up your partner just right.

Lucky you…

Turn on the TV (or laptop)

Don’t forget about sexy movies and TV shows – and yes, that includes porn.

Watching and consuming erotic material with your partner can jumpstart desires that you thought were long gone.

Give it a try and see…

Adjust your sleeping schedule

Wake up in the middle of the night and see what happens if you touch your partner.

Do they roll away from you like a moving log or do they start to perk up?

It’s worth a try, right?

Open things up…

Open relationships aren’t for everyone, and they can be a disaster.

But in some cases opening things up can actually be a stroke of genius.

How would you feel seeing your partner having sex with someone else? How would they feel?

Or what about just giving each other a one-month hall pass?

It’s at least worth considering or talking about if your relationship is truly on its last legs…

8 signs that the chemistry is completely dead and beyond recovery in your relationship

1) You no longer want to have sex with your partner (at all)

Sex matters in relationships. It matters a lot.

If you don’t want to have sex with your partner then there’s a big problem.

Are you going through a phase and having physical or psychological issues, or has the desire to have sex with your partner completely disappeared?

Be honest.

You can’t wait around forever if you’re just not feeling it, and a desire for sex that disappears is hard to get back.

2) You often fantasize about being with someone else

Here’s something you should take into consideration:

If you’re with your partner but all the time you’re more attracted to others, you have to ask yourself what’s going on.

Why does the idea of being with someone else excite you more than being with your own significant other?

Is it a passing sexual fantasy or something deeper?

If this is happening a lot then it could be the end of the relationship.

3) You just don’t feel happy to be with them in any way

This situation is so sad to see: a couple who’s been together for years and can’t stand to even look at each other.

You see them out for lunch, hovering over their phones and not even conversing at all.

They have no attraction and are only with each other out of convenience or fear of being alone.

If this is you then I’m sorry to say that your relationship is over.

It can be hard to hear, but the thing is that the end of one relationship doesn’t have to ruin all your dreams.

Indeed, when it comes to relationships, you might be surprised to hear that there’s one very important connection you’ve probably been overlooking:

The relationship you have with yourself.

I learnt about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his incredible, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.

And once you start doing that, there’s no telling how much happiness and fulfillment you can find within yourself and with your relationships.

So what makes Rudá’s advice so life-changing?

Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but he’s experienced the same problems in love as you and I have.

And using this combination, he’s identified the areas where most of us go wrong in our relationships.

So if you’re tired of your relationships never working out, of feeling undervalued, unappreciated, or unloved, this free video will give you some amazing techniques to change your love life around.

Make the change today and cultivate the love and respect you know you deserve.

Click here to watch the free video.

4) You constantly fight like dogs at the drop of a dime (for no good reason)

If you and your partner are fighting like dogs at the drop of a dime then you have to stop and look at this objectively.

Why are you fighting so much, and what are you fighting over?

If you notice that it’s small things that don’t really matter, then I have some bad news for you.

It’s the stand-in for other problems entirely.

Your problem is that you don’t really want to be with this person anymore.

It’s sad, but facing the truth is always better than hiding in a comfortable lie.

5) You don’t share interests and find each other’s values stupid

Differences exist and they don’t have to break up a relationship.

But when you find each other’s values stupid and genuinely think they are out to lunch, it’s a little harder to repair.

If you’ve already tried talking it over and gotten nowhere, there’s clearly a problem.

This is one of those cases where the brutal truth about what to do when there’s no chemistry is that it’s time to end it.

You find each other’s values and beliefs stupid and boring? Bye…

6) You feel neglected or actively disrespected by your partner

On the other side of your partner or you being completely dependent is the feeling of being neglected.

If your partner doesn’t even seem to notice you exist, it hurts.

It’s really that simple: it feels horrible.

And if they are also disrespecting or talking down to you, it’s even worse.

Nobody should tolerate being treated like trash, especially by someone who supposedly loves them.

If this is happening to you then it’s time to say adios.

7) Your lack of chemistry has led you or your partner to have affairs

If you or your partner are cheating on each other due to the lack of chemistry then it’s a dealbreaker.

Unless you are sure about making it an open relationship, your only other good option is to go your separate ways.

Infidelity leaves a deep mark and makes couples feel unworthy and flawed.

It can hit us right where it hurts most in our vulnerabilities. Respect yourself and your partner and walk away…

8) They make plans for the future that don’t include you

Is your partner making plans for the future that don’t include you?

This is a horrible thing to experience, and if it’s happening to you I’m genuinely sorry.

It can be hard to admit when a relationship has run its course, but…

Open your eyes!

It’s time to consign this one to the history books, sadly…

Telling the truth about chemistry…

The truth about chemistry is that it’s about 75% innate and 25% created.

What I mean is that for the most part it’s either there or it’s not.

While there are certainly things you can do to spark things back up with your partner, there’s also a certain point at which you have to admit your chemistry and attraction is just gone.

Only you can know for sure!

But don’t be afraid to face the ugly truth.

Sometimes the brutal truth about what to do when there’s no chemistry is that it’s time to go your own ways and end the relationship.

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Picture of Tina Fey

Tina Fey

I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. I'm writing for Ideapod to try and find it again. Hope you enjoy the journey with me.

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