Have you ever found yourself fighting with the very person you love?
You fall out from one massive argument and find that you are no longer on speaking terms?
You sit there questioning:
“What just happened?”
“Why are they acting like this?”
“How can they be so cruel?”
Suddenly you are holding feelings of hate, disappointment, resentment, and anger against the person who you once thought the world of?
Don’t worry. We’ve all been there.
I’ve definitely had moments where I thought I finally met “the one”, only to find myself in a never-ending cycle of misery. I’ve felt that way before, and I never want to again.
When you are feeling hurt and broken, how do you handle your negative emotions?
The thing is that we can’t really control our feelings. In fact, the more we repress them the more they find ways to bite back.
When our relationships go sideways, we really have two options.
We can take the role of the victim, and villanize the person who hurt us and caused us so much pain.
We can cry to ourselves and our closest friends about what just happened.
We can replay the events and conversations over and over again to find a way that we could have been nicer, communicated more clearly, been more compassionate, or avoided the conflict.
We can relive the pain over and over again.
Or, we can learn to embrace the feelings of helplessness, loss, anger, and frustration and take on the journey of deep self-inquiry and acceptance.
We can recognize that pain is rubbing against us to show us something about how we react and respond to others.
Conflict can show us where we need more wisdom and understanding.
It can create a space for radical acceptance.
This concept of investigating our deep programming and learning how to love the wounded parts of ourselves is echoed by many key thinkers.
For example, the Hawaiian therapist Dr. Hew Len applies it in the Ho’oponopono technique.
He used this method of self-forgiveness to treat a ward of criminally insane patients. Dr. Len described that he reviewed each of the patients’ files, and then he healed them by healing himself. His approach received both acclaim and skeptical criticism because he never met the patients in person.
Instead, he embraced empathy to its fullest to help him understand the far-reaching range of emotions within that he might not be fully cognizant from.
He advocates that when we truly understand and embrace the deep emotional state of each person we inquire into, we are able to heal that aspect of ourselves and change how we relate to the world.
The important message here is that it’s important to do the work in yourself.
Don’t worry about someone else. Let them live their life.
And when you find yourself feeling outraged or hurt, you can use even the dark and difficult moments to gain more insight into yourself and life.
A similar approach comes from the therapist Byron Katie. She reminds us that the issues and expectations that we have with others is usually the parts of ourselves and they tend to be the ones that we don’t want to face.
She offers a series of four questions to help trigger the journey of inner inquiry, which she calls “The Work”.
When we allow ourselves to feel the pain and the emotion that we get experienced from our interactions, the dark emotions can transform and become the mirror of our own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
Her message also rings the same truth – you heal yourself through pain and heartache by accepting reality for what it is.
From there you begin to enter into a more harmonious acceptance of life and start engage with it more realistically. From there, you can choose to recreate constructive solutions. Or you can choose not to.
So when you are finding yourself heartbroken or hurt, it’s actually the perfect time to get in and investigate that effect on your body and mind.
It’s the moment to look into the behaviors and toxic habits that you might have unknowingly picked up and consistently repeat.
When you don’t get in and understand how you function, you can do more to harm yourself than to heal.
You may even hurt those around you.
And you might find that you keep falling in love, only to find you are in another nightmare.
There are many techniques for deep inner work. Have you explored different methods for doing this?
The key is that they need to help you understand yourself more, not be a product of someone else telling you how to think or act.
The answer to this cycle of misery is contained in the relationship you have with yourself.
This sentiment is beautifully explained by the shaman Rudá Iandê. He reminds us too look into the lies we tell ourselves about love and pain, and become truly empowered over our experiences.
As Rudá explains in this insightful video, is that love is not what many of us think it is.
In fact, many of us easily self-sabotage our love lives without realizing it.
We need to face the facts about why we are hurt by certain actions or responses, and why we so easily fall into the role of a raging victim.
Far too often we build up expectations about someone that are not realistic, and guaranteed to be let down.
Far too often we fall into codependent roles of savior and victim, where we want someone to come in and save us, only to end up in a bitter routine.
Rudá’s teachings help to an actual, practical solution to why you might be feeling heartache and pain.
If you’re done with unsatisfying dating, empty hookups, frustrating relationships and having your hopes dashed over and over, then this is a message you need to hear.
So if you find that you are throwing your hands up in the air again about another heartbreak, why not try something different this time?
If you’re tired of being left in the dust by someone that had no idea what they were getting into, why not do an actual self-investigation on whether you know who you are at your deepest core?
Why not learn how to love and accept the person you have with you for all your life?
If you can be more conscious about the expectations and thoughts you have, then maybe this time around you will make an informed decision about who you give your energy and attention and care to.
Maybe this time around it will be different.
First love yourself, then you can let can easily reach out to others. But why not start with yourself this time?