So the person you love won’t even let you get close anymore.
What should you do when your loved one is pushing you away?
This post will offer some advice to keep the peace while also keeping your relationship open. In the end, it’s up to both of you to work on a solution that benefits both of your lives so nobody gets hurt in this situation.
1) Stay calm
Learn to stay in the moment. Whatever your relationship is with the person who is pushing away, the other person is feeling angry, scared, or disappointed.
Try not to panic. This isn’t the right time to jump to conclusions, be upset, or do anything drastic. Focus on what you need to do to take care of yourself during this difficult time.
Pushing away is never the answer to a relationship problem. Pushing away is hurting your relationship and does not solve the issue at hand.
The best approach is to take the emotionally healthy approach.
This means accepting that you will never be close enough to your partner for them to trust you. It means accepting that they might choose to move on at some point and is a natural part of life.
2) Find out the reason
Is this just their way of protecting themselves or is it their anger? What is the real reason for their not wanting to be in touch with you?
You should find out why this has happened and communicate with them to get clarity on what’s happening.
Pretend you’re not angry!
Not everybody wants to hear what you have to say. Even if you’re angry and want to confront your partner about this, try to be gentle when you talk to them.
Your anger should not be directed at them. Don’t yell, get emotional, or make them feel guilty.
It’s hard to understand what makes your loved one act this way. They may be having a difficult time or experiencing depression. You’ll need to figure out why this is happening before any kind of progress can be made.
Ask yourself if there are things that you can change about yourself for your partner to open up again.
This can be a very difficult thing for someone who has just been pushed away by their loved one, but it will help both of you in the long run, so try to put aside your feelings and think about what you can do differently so that this doesn’t happen again in the future.
If you give it time and patient listening, your partner may change their mind about being distant from you.
3) Find out their intention
The important step you need to take is to find out what is behind this person’s behavior.
If they’re angry at you for what they perceive to be your shortcomings, then it could be that they’re trying to distance themselves from you to protect their feelings, so they’re pushing you away from the source of their anger.
By asking the right questions, you will be able to find out what their intentions are. “What do you want to happen in a relationship” or “What do you want our relationship to be like” are good questions that will give you insight into the situation.
This can be hard because they’re either being evasive, or they don’t want to talk about it at all. Ask them how they feel; just don’t make a big deal about it and push them too far.
With your friend, they may be angry at you because they’re having trouble navigating some of their family or other relationships, and they’re worried that they might have to be in conflict with you or your family about their problems.
In other cases, your loved one may have abandoned you to avoid conflict and is using their behavior to drive a wedge between you and the other loved ones you care about.
4) Give them space
It’s common for people who are grieving to withdraw from interactions with others, and they won’t be alone in that. Unfortunately, you can’t force them to come back to you if they have a great deal of emotional pain.
Sometimes the best way to convince someone to come back to you is to give them space.
When someone is struggling with grief and pain, they may become hypersensitive to other people’s responses. The more you try to help them with their feelings, the more they are likely to push you away.
So if someone is making your life a living hell, giving them time alone may be the best thing you can do. This way they can regroup and regain some perspective.
Know that this is a part of the grieving process.
Remember that they are still people who need love and affection, even if they’re pushing you away.
If you can, try to give them some affection and attention when they’ll let you, just so they know that you’re still there for them and that the relationship isn’t over yet. If your partner doesn’t want to see you or talk to you, then just keep in touch with them through email or text messages.
The point is that you should be patient and understanding while also being willing to put some effort into keeping your relationship alive until both of you are ready to get close again.
5) Support them if they ask for it
You can listen to their problems, try to help solve them. Or maybe you can offer to be their rock, a shoulder to cry on. You should do some work to remind them that you’re always there for them.
- Find a common interest
A shared hobby like playing the guitar, walking a dog together, or going to a play will help keep things on a normal, functional level, and also help the two of you work on shared values and goals for the future.
- Get involved in a church
Even if you’ve always been a lapsed Catholic, maybe this is the year you decide to join a church, and start taking an interest in the rituals and teachings that keep a healthy spiritual life.
Remember that hard times don’t last forever, and if you have a good head on your shoulders you’ll make it out of this situation as well.
I know the feeling:
Sometimes, you may be tempted to “pursue” them in an attempt to break down their walls and get them to open up again.
However, this is a very bad idea because it’s basically like stalking them; you’re pressuring them into talking when they don’t want to and it makes things worse instead of better.
Instead, if your loved one does ask for your help or support, go out of your way to give it to them in whatever way they need it. Be there for them if they’re lonely or just need someone around who cares about them.
6) Be patient
A big part of the situation could be they’ve finally realized they need to take a break and get their head straight. Their decision may also be to make some changes in their own lives.
So be patient with them, and in time, they’ll likely come around. If they stay away for a while, it may be best to just let them get away without saying anything.
If you want to get closer with your loved one then you have to be patient and give them a chance to let go of their problems.
It can be hard for them if they’re just getting out of a terrible relationship or if they’re dealing with some other type of problem, so try not to pressure them into talking about it because that can just make things worse.
Trust is a delicate thing, so take your time and don’t rush things.
You have to understand that the person who is pushing you away might be doing so because they feel threatened by your relationship and don’t know how to handle it. If you keep pushing, they’ll just push even harder.
So if you see that your loved one is pushing you away, give them the space they need and try not to take it personally.
Make sure they know that it’s okay with you if they want to take a step back from the relationship for a while; sometimes people need time to figure out how they feel about something without any pressure from the other.
If your loved one wants space, don’t try to force them into a conversation or an interaction with you unless they initiate it first. Let them take as much space as they need and stay in touch even if they don’t want to be around each other right now.
This will show them that you’re willing to work with them and make things work out between the two of you so nobody gets hurt.
7) Be understanding
Compassion and understanding is the key to actually helping an individual who is pushing away.
While it’s important to understand that they might be going through a difficult time, you can’t allow yourself to feel victimized by their actions. Instead, you need to try and understand why they are pushing away and why they are doing so in the way that they are.
If they’re going through a tough time, give them the space that they need. If they’re angry or upset with you, try not to take it personally and instead ask what’s wrong.
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Suffering from Empty and Draining Relationships?
The legendary shaman Rudá Iandê reveals the 3 most important factors to healthy and loving relationships (and to experience them right now).
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In this way, you’ll be able to work together towards a solution without making matters worse in the process. The last thing you want to do is to push your partner away further by making them feel like they can’t trust you.
And another thing is:
If there’s no obvious reason why they are pushing you away, it could be that they’ve become too comfortable in your relationship.
If this is the case, try and spice things up a bit. Make them work for your attention and affection in fun ways that won’t make them feel like they’re “winning” or “losing”.
Instead, have fun with each other and show them that there are still good things about being with you even though the relationship isn’t perfect all the time.
When someone pushes you away the most important thing is to remember what matters in the end. This person has chosen to be with you, so respect that choice by showing compassion and understanding instead of taking it personally or pushing them away further.
Do something nice for yourself while also doing something nice for your partner and see if things don’t change for the better.
8) Be independent
Do not respond to their behavior.
Being independent is an important concept to keeping your health and happiness and keeping a strong bond. Don’t waste your energy trying to persuade or convince someone who is determined not to do what you want them to do.
If someone tells you to do something, politely respond that you can respect their decision but that you would appreciate it if they could respect yours too. After all, you’re in a relationship that’s supposed to be an equal partnership.
In other words, don’t agree with them just because you feel bad or guilty for not being able to do what they want. If they continue to push you away, it may be time to take a break from the relationship.
9) Be honest
First things first: Be honest with yourself.
If you suspect this is happening because of a recent action or behavior, this may be just a phase. You might want to investigate why you and your partner have this conflict in the first place.
Ask yourself the following questions:
This might be an obvious one, but it’s important to know what has changed between you.
And the person who was previously understanding might become aggressive with you if you try to remind them that their actions may be the cause. So it’s important to keep in mind that you should take care of yourself first before bringing up anything negative or negative-seeming.
10) Keep the lines of communication open
Give your partner a few minutes each day to call you or email you. This is a very simple, quick way to rekindle your relationship. It allows for a couple minutes of connection when one of you isn’t busy.
Ask them questions, even if you’re not sure what they’re thinking about a certain topic. If you both express your questions and don’t have to give any answers to each other, there’s a better chance that you’ll be able to work through your problems.
Keep an open mind!
Try to see things from their perspective. This is especially important if you have a lot of different interests or hobbies than your partner does.
You may love your partner but you also have different hobbies and interests than they do. Seeing things from their perspective will help you to see why they want to push you away.
11) Rewrite your relationship
Rewrite your definition of what a relationship means to both of you.
Reinforce the connections you have. Do you have your partner’s contact information? Do they have yours?
If you can, keep that on you. If they have your email, please try to read it.
You’ll thank me later.
Reinforce your faith in each other. Admit your past mistakes and apologize when necessary.
This is a time for growth, so mistakes are going to happen. It’s easy to justify the behavior when nobody’s looking. Try not to judge each other at the moment.
If this person is a mate, it might be tough to make new friends without causing a rift, so the first thing to do is try to understand why they’re the way they are and start reworking the relationship so it works better for both of you.
12) Be their soulmate
The soulmate is the one person in the world that will accept you for the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of you, and love you regardless.
When you’re dealing with a situation like this, most likely your loved one is being true to themselves in the end.
It’s simply not a good time to be involved with a new person right now anyway. Don’t worry, it’s not personal. Most of the time when you’re not together, the person’s more likely to be doing what is best for their needs.
- Be willing to forgive and forget
Remember that your loved one probably didn’t make a mistake. They just feel like their relationship isn’t working, and what’s wrong is that they feel like you’re not there to listen. You can’t be on all the time, and sometimes, they need space from you. That’s OK.
- Don’t point out your loved one’s faults
Forget about your favorite trait of theirs and focus on what you love about them instead.
13) Respect them
If you have a good relationship with the person you love, it will have its ups and downs. The relationship isn’t a certain binary, either-and-or; some days it’s wonderful and some days it’s hard to stay connected.
Keep your relationship a source of strength and comfort rather than an impediment that breaks you up.
You have to remember that:
Always respect each other’s feelings, of course, but do not put each other down, and do not take each other for granted. Remember that they are human and have feelings, too, and that it is in your power to change that.
Keep your cool!
Your partner does not have to put up with your behavior just because they love you.
14) Spend more time on yourself
This may seem obvious, but it’s something to remember when your partner keeps their distance.
You have to realize that most of the time, their behavior is not a reflection of you, even if you’ve got to admit it might hurt sometimes. It could be due to their feelings or problems at work, or they might just be angry with you.
Whatever it is, you decide to take care of your problems, so take some time for yourself and don’t make it an issue in your relationship.
- Seek some answers
What are you supposed to do when you can’t get any answers? Is there something you can do to help change your partner’s behavior?
It might be a great time to do some research on the matter and try to get to the bottom of whatever is causing their pushy behavior.
I understand that:
There’s nothing worse than being left out, and if you go through some very, very sad days during which you feel rejected and abandoned, it’s not going to get easier.
If you’re devastated by your partner’s absence, put yourself first.If you’re the one being left out, the last thing you want to do is spend time with someone else, feeling jealous and angry, and spending all your time with them.
Taking a vacation or two for yourself will give you some distance and perspective, and come back feeling less resentful about your partner.
- Focus on your relationship, not them
Do not turn your relationship into something about them. When you get angry and upset that your partner is not in your life, you push them away by insisting that they are to blame
15) Respect boundaries, build a partnership
First, step back and really consider what this person is doing. Are they being pushy and out of line? Is it intentional? What are they trying to tell you?
Ask yourself if your relationship is even a healthy one anymore. Relationships are a two-way street, and if it feels like your partner has become cold, or disconnected, then you should consider asking yourself whether or not the relationship can be salvaged, or whether you should move on.
Asking yourself these questions is a healthy thing to do. It will help you figure out if it’s time for your partner to put their “I can do what I want” hat on, and for you to change your perspective to allow for things to be different between you two.
How this one revelation changed my love life
It’s Justin Brown here, the co-founder of Ideapod, and I have something to confess…
I used to believe I needed to be successful before I deserved to find someone who could love me.
I used to believe there was a “perfect person” out there and I just had to find them.
I used to believe I would finally be happy once I found “the one”.
What I now know is that these limiting beliefs were stopping me from building deep and intimate relationships with the people I was meeting. I was chasing an illusion that was leading me to loneliness.
If you want to change anything in your life, one of the most effective ways is to change your beliefs.
Unfortunately, it’s not an easy thing to do.
I’m lucky to have worked directly with the shaman Rudá Iandê in changing my beliefs about love. Doing so has changed my life forever.
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Justin Brown, Ideapod Founder