A friend of mine, who’s been single for at least 10 years now, just turned 34.
She turned to me the other day over a casual game of weekly badminton and said, “I’ve been thinking about it and I think I’m just destined to be alone”.
Yes, it shocked me. But it really got me thinking, are some people simply not made for commitment?
My friend has had a few long-term relationships in the past, but nothing has ever lasted. Nothing ever works out for her – for so many reasons.
Some people might say she just hasn’t found “the one” yet. But there are other theories (or realities?). You might simply not be cut out for commitment.
According to experts, if this is the case for you, there will be signs. Let’s get into it.
1) You value your career over anything else
In the movies, life is often depicted as being in certain stages. First, you’re young and foolish. Then, all you want to do is climb the ladder and progress in your career. When that stage ends, you want to start a family and enter the “next chapter”.
But real life isn’t like the movies. You don’t have to go from one stage to another. You don’t have to reach a point where you don’t care for your career anymore and want to focus on dating/starting a family instead.
Some people value their career over anything else. According to new research, a huge 75% of 1,075 people would choose their career over a romantic relationship!
When you’re this person, you value your career so much that it reaches the point where dating wouldn’t be fair. So relationships just don’t work and might not ever.
But a life without a committed relationship isn’t doom and gloom (like some people in your life want you to believe). Your career can be one of the most rewarding things about your life. Plus, society needs people like you! How else would we get things done?
2) You enjoy solitude
I love solitude. Sitting in a café by myself reading my book is the best time of my week! Just like going for a walk through the forest alone or out for a run without passing a single person. But eventually, I need a bit of company.
My friend I mentioned earlier? She lives alone, works from home, and hardly ever sees her friends. That might sound awful to some people, but she absolutely loves her life! Living in solitude makes her unbelievably happy.
Whenever she’s dated people before, they always want too much time from her and she loses too much of her alone time.
Of course, you could find someone who likes alone time as much as you. Experts say they’ll just have to truly understand and respect your need for space. But if you don’t like that idea either, maybe a relationship just isn’t for you.
3) You never feel lonely
Some people are prone to feeling lonely. Empaths being some of those people, according to experts. Plus, people with low self-esteem or major extroversion.
In fact, one study found that almost 50% of 20,000 people feel alone, left out, or isolated from others. Which means that almost 50% of the population simply doesn’t feel lonely…at all.
It’s believed that what sets these people apart are five main things: they interact with people often (and don’t use social media much), they get enough sleep, they spend time with family, they exercise often, and they have a good work-life balance.
For some people, all these things in life are simply enough. They don’t need a romantic relationship or intimate connection with one person for the rest of their life to feel “connected”. They don’t feel lonely as they are, and are maybe just not made for commitment. Or, at least, they aren’t if their life continues this way.
4) You only ever want to be independent
Maintaining your independence in a relationship is important, but how much is too much? Experts say you can be too independent in relationships. At least, that’s true for most relationships.
If you manage to find someone who values their independence just as much as you do, things will probably work out just fine! But finding someone who understands your need to do everything alone is difficult.
So is being independent a bad thing? Not at all. I know whenever I’ve been single and uninterested in dating, my independence has been the thing that’s driven me and made me the happiest I’ve ever been!
For me, those periods of my life are fleeting. I end up wanting to share life with someone again. But if these moments aren’t fleeting for you and you never want to lose a shred of independence – ever – then maybe commitment just isn’t for you.
5) You lack empathy
You can be naturally empathetic – and naturally unempathetic. Empathy is generally something your brain is hardwired to feel, but it can also be nurtured through your upbringing, experts say.
The more empathy you have, the more you care for other people and experience feelings of love. In turn, this means the less empathy you have, the less care you have for others and the more you have for yourself instead.
When you lack empathy to a certain level, love can be extremely hard for you. In relationships, you can be overly critical, unforgiving, impatient, and just generally confused by the emotions of your partner.
You can develop more empathy, experts say, although it isn’t easy. Relationship experts say your partner can learn to deal with your limited empathy better, too.
But sometimes, you may just find you’re better off on your own – not hurting anyone else and not feeling confused all the time…
6) You only ever enjoy the chase
The culprit? Dopamine, according to research. The rush you feel when chasing someone usually comes from dopamine, the hormone responsible for feelings of pleasure and reward.
But it’s only temporary. When the dopamine wears off, you’re no longer interested in the apple of your eye. The chase was fun, but the long-term? Not so much.
Most people learn to work through the thrill of the chase. They reach a point where they enjoy the comfort and contentment you find in a long-term relationship. But some people never do.
Is that a bad thing? Some relationship experts say yes, it is. They say you have to work through this if you want to build meaningful romantic connections. But there’s the caveat in itself!
If you don’t want long-term, not now, maybe not ever, then the thrill of the chase is perhaps all you need and want in life. And provided you aren’t hurting anyone (a big thing to watch out for), maybe the thrill of the case will always be enough for you.
7) You can’t stay faithful in relationships
Monogamy isn’t for everyone. That is, the act of having just one romantic partner at any one time. Granted, it’s enough for most people. I can bet that most of your friends and family strongly believe in monogamy!
But how about you? Another sign commitment might simply not be your thing is if you can’t stay faithful whenever you get into a relationship.
Like you can’t help but scroll through dating apps when you’re dating someone. Or when you always have the “urge” to be with other people. Or if you actually can’t help but cheat on your partners!
Experts say that the reasons you cheat are varied. Essentially, it boils down to being unhappy in your current relationship, unhappy in yourself (and in need of some external validation), or a need for variety.
When it comes to that final reason, monogamy might just not be the right path. But if that’s the case, you should be honest and find people who are OK with it!
Final thoughts
Of course, anyone can change. Life is a long old time and we can go through all stages, move back and forward, or simply stay just where we are forever.
My friend might one day do a total 180 and think she’s always meant to find the love of her life! Or she might not…
Just because you recognize these signs now, it might mean you aren’t cut out for commitment any time soon, but it doesn’t mean your views won’t change one day.
You might want to change your behavior right now after reading this! Or you might not, because being single forever actually sounds quite nice.
Life isn’t linear and there isn’t a rulebook. You can live the “movie life” – meeting someone, falling in love, getting married, having a family, and growing old together.
Or you can live a perfectly fulfilled life single. The world truly is your oyster. Provided you aren’t hurting people in the process (by cheating or leading them on intentionally), you can do whatever it is that suits you. After all, it is your life!
