10 steps to manifest a healthy relationship

You’ve been in and out of too many toxic relationships and you’re sick of it. You swear your next one’s going to turn out differently. But it’s not enough to simply want to have a good relationship, you have to manifest it so the universe will help you.

Whether you’re still in a toxic relationship or you’re freshly out from one, here are ten steps you should take to manifest a healthy relationship.

1) Believe that you deserve to be in a healthy relationship

We tend to get more and more jaded as we get older.

We lose hope and instead think that we’re never going to get the relationship we have always dreamed of. We become desperate and latch on to whatever relationship is before us, even if it’s not quite what we deserve.

You might have told yourself that, as toxic as your relationship may be, at least it’s not the worst you’ve ever had. But maybe the reason you attract toxic relationships is that you believe that’s what you deserve.

Remove the voice from your head that says you don’t deserve love. And no. I don’t mean to just tone it down—if you want to break the pattern and start anew, if you want to attract the right relationship, you need to eradicate it from your system!

2) Believe that you’re worthy even if you’re imperfect

Because of bad relationships in the past, you end up gaslighting yourself, believing that you are the reason why you’re in unhealthy relationships or that you deserve it.

After all, the common denominator here is you, isn’t it?

Look, it’s true that you’re sometimes a pain to be with and you’ve made bad decisions in your life, but it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

But when it comes to relationships, you might be surprised to hear that there’s one very important connection you’ve probably been overlooking:

The relationship you have with yourself.

I learned about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his incredible, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.

And once you start doing that, there’s no telling how much happiness and fulfillment you can find within yourself and with your relationships.

So what makes Rudá’s advice so life-changing?

Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but he’s experienced the same problems in love as you and I have.

And using this combination, he’s identified areas where most of us go wrong in our relationships.

So if you’re tired of your relationships never working out, of feeling undervalued, unappreciated, or unloved, this free video will give you some amazing techniques to change your love life around.

Make the change today and cultivate the love and respect you know you deserve.

Click here to watch the free video.

3) Make peace with your past

For you to move forward with a healthy mind and spirit, you have to make peace with your past and that includes the imperfect, totally flawed, sometimes unlovable you.

Forgive yourself for not being patient and graceful all the time.

Forgive yourself for not leaving sooner when the red flags were clear.

Forgive yourself for letting a relationship leave scars on you.

That version of you was still learning. It entered the school of life in a classroom called “Relationships” and it was handed one of the toughest teachers who gave the toughest exams. Yes, you suffered from it but you still have something good from all of it— wisdom.

Instead of beating yourself up for being st*pid or weak (which you are not!), be proud of yourself for surviving it in one piece. Go ahead and congratulate yourself.

And after you do that, take one moment to recall your toxic relationships. As tough as it may be, thank it for making you realize what you don’t want in a relationship.

4) Decide that you only want a healthy relationship

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Believing in something is one thing, deciding on something is another. Both of these steps are necessary for manifesting what we want in life.

When you decide on something, you have conviction. Because of this, the universe will hear you loud and clear, and it will know exactly how to help you.

More than that, decisions lead to action.

This means that when you decide you don’t want to be in a toxic relationship anymore, you will stay away (or walk away if you’re still in one) from people that might be bad partners.

This means that when you decide to be in a healthy relationship, you will actively look for a partner that has potential for a healthy relationship.

Recite a mantra each morning or just put a note on your wall or your phone. Something as simple as “I will have a healthy relationship.”

Remind yourself of this decision and start working on them. Trust me, the universe will be your ally.

5) Get to know yourself (the old you and the new you)

You used to be blind and okay with abusive partners and unhealthy relationships. Now you aren’t (thank god).

Go have a sit-down talk with the old versions of you and the new version of you.

Ask that old self why it was okay with being in an unhealthy relationship for so long.

Why did she feel insecure and thought that no one else would love her?

Why did she fall so madly in love that she’s forgotten herself?

Does she have traits that contribute to the toxic dynamic?

Then ask some questions to the new you, this version of you who wants a healthy relationship.

Do you still feel insecure?

Do you still have a tendency to fall so madly in love that you forget yourself?

Do you have the skills to finally spot a toxic relationship?

If you really want for things to change, you have to start with yourself and it helps to compare your past self and present self to look for your patterns. We have to do our inner work and try not to do the same things for us to attract the right people.

6) Be very clear of what you want in a partner

For you to manifest what you want, you need to be absolutely clear on what exactly it is you want down to the very last detail.

Get a pen and paper and try to visualize a day in your future.

Imagine yourself waking up to someone on a lazy Sunday morning. What is it like? How do you feel seeing this person beside you? And when they wake up, what do you talk about? How would you spend your Sunday afternoon?

Most importantly, when you have issues and arguments, what is it like with them? Do you argue a little then laugh afterwards or do you spend all day sulking around one another? If you want more laughter, you might want to look for someone more childlike and easygoing.

It might seem silly but do write down as many as you can think of and hold these things close to your heart while you’re out looking for someone to be with.

Bit by bit, with all the details you’ve listed down, build an ideal scenario in your head, exactly how you’d want your life to be in a perfect world, and believe that it’ll be yours one day.

Of course, you shouldn’t expect your next relationship to be perfect. Nothing is truly perfect, after all. But by knowing what exactly it is you want, you’ll be able to better tolerate the small frustrations you may come across during the course of your relationship. You’ll also know faster when it’s time to let go.

7) Be very clear of what you DON’T want in a partner

Knowing what you don’t want is probably more important than knowing what you want.

You can live just fine with a partner who lacks a thing or two that you wish they had, but you’re going to suffer if your partner has things that are hard to pass for you.

Knowing what you don’t want will help you set boundaries and expectations with your partner. Red flags and deal breakers would also be easier to identify.

A handy trick is to pretend you’re coming up with a list for your future daughter. You’re going to want your daughter to be safe from harm and hurt more than anything else, so you’re going to take it extremely seriously.

Since the aim is to want a healthy relationship, maybe it should go something like this:

  • When there’s a problem, I DON’T want my partner to blame me all the time.
  • When I want to talk, I DON’T want my partner to shut down.
  • I DON’T want them to have any kind of addiction.

If you feel like you’re too demanding for wanting these things, imagine your future daughter. She deserves to be respected and shown affection, doesn’t she? Well, so do you.

8) Be intentional with your dates

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Once you’ve got a clear idea on exactly what kind of partner you want, you need to be intentional when you go dating. After all, what’s the point of knowing what you want and don’t want if you won’t apply it in real life.

Pay close attention to what people are like. Do they fit the criteria you have set? Are their actions and beliefs compatible with yours? Do you agree on what you want out of a relationship?

There’s plenty of fish in the sea, so don’t worry about running out of options!

You have to think of these dates like you’re shopping. Don’t get too invested in the first thing that catches your fancy. Instead, take a step back and assess your partner and the potential of the relationship.

Remember, you’re trying not to fall back to the same patterns so you have to be level-headed until you let someone go deeper.

Look, even if you already did some self-assessment and the universe is doing its work, but if you won’t break your patterns, it will be for nothing. Stick to your decision to only pursue a healthy relationship and for this to truly happen, you have to use your head (not just your heart) when finding the right partner.

9) Find opportunities to attract the right people

So let’s say you have an idea for exactly what kind of person you want to be with. Now, where would you find someone like that?

For example, if you want someone adventurous—maybe because your ex was so stiff and boring—then you should probably go on adventures yourself so that you’ll meet like-minded people.

Accept your best friend’s hiking invitation! Go climb up sheer cliffs with that person you’ve met last weekend. If you want someone who is adventurous and loves the outdoors, then you need to go outdoors.

You can call upon the universe to bring you a perfect partner, but you really can’t expect the universe to do everything for you.

Think of ways you can meet the kind of partner you want. Where do you think they hang out? What do you think their hobbies are? Then instead of hanging out at your regular bar, go there.

10) Manifest a mirror of the relationship you have with yourself

Before you can love others, you must first learn how to truly love yourself.

Otherwise, you’d just be an emotional vampire, draining other people of their time and energy just to sate your own emotional needs. Nobody wants that, and relationships with people who don’t know self-love quickly devolve and become toxic. Frustrations build up, tempers flare, and patience wears thin.

And not only that, but as you manifest, you will inevitably attract people who will reflect your inner relationship with yourself.

So if you want to attract people with whom you will have a good, lasting relationship with, you need to first come to terms with yourself. You need to know and understand your strengths and your flaws, and love yourself for who you are.

This is incredibly important. Otherwise, you might end up attracting someone who hates themselves as much as you hate yourself, and the two of you would end up stuck in a cycle where you keep on pulling each other down. Or, alternatively, you’ll end up with someone who will abuse you as much as you abuse yourself.

If you want a healthy relationship, love yourself first. Afterward, manifest the kind of partner who can love you for who you are, and knows exactly how to do it so you feel loved.


Everyone wants and deserves a healthy relationship but being in one is not necessarily easy. The world of love is one full of treachery, heartbreak, and bone-crushing disappointment. Most people end up getting stuck in a toxic relationship at least once in their lifetime.

But if you were to know exactly what you want, what you don’t, and make sure you have a healthy relationship with yourself, then the universe will help you find your perfect partner.

In time, of course. You can’t rush loving yourself just so you can find love, and neither can you rush the universe. Be patient. As long as you’re in the right direction, it will come.

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Tina Fey

I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. I'm writing for Ideapod to try and find it again. Hope you enjoy the journey with me.

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