If I asked you what traits you want from a partner, you probably wouldn’t have to consider it much.
We all know that kindness, honesty, and loyalty are desirable attributes.
But do you know which personality traits you should avoid?
While positive characteristics are easy to spot, negative ones can be more difficult when first getting to know someone, as people are typically good at hiding their flaws.
So, whether you’ve been in the dating game for a while or are just getting back out there, knowing which toxic traits to avoid (and their common signs) is essential to finding a loving and healthy relationship.
And I’m here to help you do just that!
If the person you’ve just started dating displays any of these 8 personality traits, call it off immediately!
1) Possessiveness
Controlling behavior in a relationship is never sweet or cute.
You should not enter a relationship with anyone who sees themselves as superior to you, as they will seek to control you.
As the relationship progresses, they might expect you to do as they say, controlling how you act toward them and show up in the world.
This personality trait can be tricky to uncover in the early stages of a relationship. This is because it can show up in many ways, including:
- Gaslighting
- Isolating you from your friends and family
- Not allowing you to go out alone
- Keeping tabs on you all the time
- Regularly criticizing you and calling you out on your flaws
- Demanding you do things for him, often by using manipulative tactics
- Telling you how to dress, what time to come home, etc
A healthy relationship is where both partners see themselves as equal. Neither is better than the other, and both partners respect each other’s free will and freedom.
2) Codependency
We’ve all encountered someone who overly depends on their partner and appears needy and clingy.
But did you know that this is one of the four attachment styles of a relationship?
The attachment theory comes from five decades of research and observational studies, most notably the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.
These two researchers identified four attachment styles by studying the relationships between babies and their mothers. Bowlby and Ainsworth concluded that we all form one of these four attachment styles when we are babies.
However…
What’s interesting about the attachment theory is that our particular attachment style affects how we act in our adult relationships.
Mass research consisting of 200 adult attachment representation studies shows that 19% of adults possess the anxious attachment style. This is categorized as:
- A tendency to overly depend on their partner to fulfill their needs
- A need for constant reassurance
- A constant fear that their partner will abandon them
- Inability to set boundaries
- A tendency to panic or worry when away from their partner
- Unhealthy need to please their partner
- An unhealthy fixation on the relationship
3) Hostility
A person who displays hostility in a relationship does not know how to handle and regulate their emotions.
As a result, they will:
- Use sarcasm and bitter humor
- Make uncalled-for nasty remarks
- Belittle you
- Use condescending phrases
- Use force or physical violence
There are many reasons a person can have this personality trait, but it is typically due to unresolved issues.
Many hostile people cannot see this behavior trait in themselves and will continue to deny it whenever you call them out.
Hostility is also an aspect of this…
4) Emotional immaturity
A person with emotional immaturity struggles to understand their emotions and act on them in a healthy way.
This often results in difficulties in communication within their relationships. They will also lack empathy and become defensive easily.
They also have poor stress-handling abilities and tend to direct their tension and annoyance toward their partner.
Being with an emotionally immature partner can leave you utterly drained and depleted. You will feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to say something that could hurt or anger them.
Other signs of an emotionally immature partner are:
- Not taking responsibility for their mistakes
- An unwillingness to compromise
- Tendency to hold grudges
- Poor relationship with money/ financially irresponsible
- Never talking about their feelings
- Being emotionally unavailable
Because they don’t know how to healthily express or talk about their feelings, an emotionally immature person is likely to communicate in this way…
5) Passive aggression
According to a large-scale 2014 research study, passive aggression is a personality disorder resulting from a set of personality traits, among other things like childhood experiences and substance abuse.
In contrast, the well-known Beck’s cognitive theory suggests that passive aggression is due to the person’s beliefs around power and autonomy.
While the cause of passive aggression can be debated, the signs of this behavior are pretty well cut:
- Communicates their feelings by hinting rather than stating them directly
- Gives backhanded compliments, such as “You’re looking great, have you lost weight?”
- Resorts to silent treatment when their partner upsets them
- Puts off tasks and chores rather than saying they don’t want to do them
People with this trait are also more likely to ghost someone. If, after a few (or more) dates, they decide they are not that into you, they will choose to ghost you rather than tell you.
6) Arrogance
Let’s face it: some people just see themselves as better than everyone else – and as a result, they mistreat others.
Luckily, arrogance is a personality trait that is easy to spot in someone, even on the first date.
How?
Watch how your date talks to the server at the restaurant or the taxi driver on the way home.
Arrogant people tend to treat people they see below them (such as those in low-skilled jobs) rudely or condescendingly.
And watch how they speak to you.
While they may not be directly rude when getting to know you, they may display some of these signs in their communication:
- Habitually interrupting or talking over you
- Making a point to highlight their achievements and successes, even when it doesn’t naturally fit the conversation
- Turning the conversation onto themselves and not asking questions about you
- immediately dismissing your ideas and beliefs
- Getting upset or defensive when you challenge their views
7) Impatience
Impatience is something we all feel now and again.
A survey by Fifth Third Bank questioned how Americans react to certain “patience-testing situations. A staggering 96% of participants said they would knowingly consume hot food or drink that burns their mouth rather than wait for it to cool down!
But what does this have to do with relationships?
Excessive impatience is not just a really annoying personality trait to deal with in a partner; it can also harm the relationship.
Here’s how:
While your partner’s impatience may not be directed at you per se, the way they act due to their impatience will affect you.
For example, impatient people are more likely to:
- Raise their voice
- Slam doors or make other noisy movements
- Be critical or rude
As these behaviors are hard to predict, being with an excessively impatient person can make you always “on edge.”
Knowing their tendencies, you will likely also feel pressured to get ready quickly, answer their call on the first ring, or reply to their text immediately to avoid setting them off.
8) Dishonesty
While it’s last on this list, dishonesty is one of the most important personality traits to AVOID.
A relationship will never work if both partners are not completely honest with each other.
So, if you are in the early days of dating someone and they have already lied to you about something, take this as a MAJOR red flag.
Still, remember that people are often on their best behavior at the start of a relationship. So, it’s essential to observe how honest your new partner is toward other people in their life.
Like this:
If you witness your new partner lying to their parents multiple times, rethink going further with them.
Look at their past relationships, too. While people can change, if your partner has a long track record of cheating or lying, there is a significant chance they will do the same to you.
Final thoughts
Trying to “fix” a partner who displays one or more of these personality traits can be tempting.
However, it is essential to remember this – the only one who can change a person’s flaws is themselves.
Attempting to change them will only lead to disconnection and resentment. So, instead, seek a person who displays positive and healthy personality traits, such as honesty, empathy, and respect.
