Slept with a man I met on a girls weekend & found out he has a long-term girlfriend. Do I reach out and tell her he cheated?

A bit of context (although the title gives most of it away): I went on a trip with my closest girlfriends last weekend. Lots of drinking and partying and generally having a great time. On one of the evenings, I was approached by a guy at the bar who spent most of the evening flirting with me. I eventually went home with my friends despite him asking me to come back to his hotel multiple times, but did give him my number. He kept messaging me that evening and the next day, and we ended up meeting at a different bar two days later. Long story short, I spent the night with him. The next day, I was surprised when I checked my messages and noticed he had blocked me within an hour or so of me leaving his hotel. A little investigating his social media profiles showed that he has a long term girlfriend who he lives with back in his home city. I was shocked. I didn’t even think to ask if he had a girlfriend as he was coming on to me so hard and so persistent in messaging and calling, but now I feel awful about it. My friend has offered to message his girlfriend and part of me really wants to do that since it breaks my heart to think he’s getting away with it, but I also don’t want to cause trouble for myself. What would you do?

First things first: take a deep breath. You’re not the first person to fall for a smooth-talking player, and you won’t be the last. Trust me, everyone has had their fair share of “what was I thinking?” moments, and it’s easy to beat yourself up over it. But let’s cut the self-blame here and focus on the important stuff.

He pursued you relentlessly, even after you initially declined. He chose to lie and cheat, and that’s entirely on him. You’re not responsible for his actions, nor his girlfriend’s feelings. However, the fact that you are considering both shows how considerate and empathetic you are, which really stands out to me.

Now, about the girlfriend…

It’s a tough call. On one hand, it sucks to think he’s getting away with this unscathed. Part of you wants justice, wants to expose him for the jerk he is. On the other hand, you don’t want to invite drama into your own life.

If I were in your shoes, I’d probably tell her. Not out of revenge or malice, but because she deserves to know the truth. She deserves a chance to make an informed decision about her relationship. Plus, let’s be honest, wouldn’t you want to know if the roles were reversed?

But here’s the thing: it’s YOUR decision, and you shouldn’t feel pressured either way. It’s a personal choice, and there’s no right or wrong answer.

Here’s what I suggest:

  • Take some time to process your emotions. It’s normal to feel angry, embarrassed, and even a little violated. Don’t rush into any decisions until you’ve had a chance to cool off and think things through.
  • Weigh the pros and cons of telling her. Will it bring you closure? Will it potentially help her? Will it cause unnecessary drama? There’s no easy answer at all, but consider all the potential consequences before making a move.
  • If you decide to tell her, do it directly. Don’t let your friend get involved. Send her a DM or email, briefly explaining what happened and apologizing for your role in it. Be honest, but don’t be dramatic or accusatory.
  • Prepare for the fallout. She might not believe you, she might get angry, or she might even blame you. Be prepared for any reaction, and have a support system in place (friends, family, therapist) to help you through it.

Ultimately, trust your gut. You know what feels right for you. And remember, this isn’t your fault. You deserve to move on and find someone who values honesty and respect.

You’ve got this

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Ask Evie

Evie is on a mission to revolutionize relationships and help you sort through your emotional woes. Her popular column helps readers break free from societal restraints and create empowering relationships - both with their inner selves and with those around them. With a wealth of experience in relationship counseling, backed by several professional certifications, she’s open-minded, big-hearted, and extremely compassionate… But she’ll also be completely honest in telling you the (sometimes) brutal truth, so you can get straight to the heart of the matter. Maybe you’re trying to save a marriage that currently feels like a sinking ship? Or worrying that your new friend isn’t quite as nice as they seem? Perhaps you’ve accidentally killed your partner’s goldfish and are weighing up the pros and cons of going to the pet store and finding a doppelganger, or fessing up? Whatever the dilemma, Evie’s at the ready to help sort through the emotional turmoil and guide you towards the next best step. To get in touch with Evie, click here.

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