How can you be absolutely sure that the person standing in front of you is the one?
Well, the shower answer is… you can’t.
On planet Earth, there are no magic tricks that tie us to another person for life; no soulmate marks; no way to tell whether your partner will stay by your side forever.
The good news is that we don’t need that kind of stuff. All you need is someone who is committed to the relationship, who loves you with all their heart, and who checks most of the boxes below.
These are the 8 signs you’ve found your life partner, according to psychology.
1) Your inner child feels safe
Do you and your partner sometimes talk in cute voices that would probably scare off any random observer?
Join the club.
There are plenty of couples out there who speak in the so-called “baby voice”, and contrary to popular belief, this phenomenon is actually a sign of a healthy relationship.
According to research, couples who sometimes speak in baby voices to each other exhibit signs of a secure attachment and healthy vulnerability.
This is because showing up as your most vulnerable self means that your inner child feels safe to come out and express themselves in a playful and free manner.
In other words, you’re not afraid of your partner’s judgment. You know you can be fully yourself and receive the love and affection you deserve.
Of course, this also means that your relationship is built on trust, authenticity, and respect, which are all vital aspects of a good long-term relationship.
2) Your core values are in alignment
You’ve probably read this in all the dating articles on the internet, but that doesn’t make the point any less valid.
Your core values ought to match.
You might think that having a partner whose values differ from yours is not such a big deal – after all, you’re both adults who can respect each other’s differences, right?
But I can tell you from personal experience that eventually, it all piles up…. until you can’t take it anymore.
Why?
Because in the process of falling in love with your partner, living with them, and perhaps even marrying them, your values are either shifting to fit in with theirs or they will continue to clash until it’s all a bit too much.
This isn’t to say that you’ve got to agree on everything. You don’t. However, it’s important that you write down your five most important values and ensure your partner is on the same page as you.
I didn’t do any of this in my last relationship, and over time, I realized I’d distanced myself from my authentic core until I no longer felt happy.
If you want a life partner, you’ve got to make sure your most integral values are in alignment.
3) You’re best friends
When I got with one of my exes, it wasn’t long until I realized that our friendship was quite weak.
While we really got along in the romantic and sexual realm, our conversations rarely lasted longer than twenty minutes.
We didn’t have much in common, we never belly-laughed together, and when we went on a trip, I knew I would have had more fun with one of my girlfriends.
Don’t get me wrong, your partner shouldn’t be the only best friend you’ve got. Maintaining friendships with others alongside your romantic relationship is incredibly important.
However, as the leading expert in the study of emotions, Aaron Ben-Zeév Ph.D., says:
“Friendship is not an emotion but a personal relation that is essential in enduring, romantic flourishing. Friendship, which is based on shared history, often increases over time—unlike sexual desire, whose intensity diminishes over time.”
When you’re choosing your life partner, you shouldn’t just focus on the romantic and sexual connection you have together. Those may eventually fade away.
What truly matters in the long run is your companionship.
Can you make each other laugh? Do you go on fun dates? Do you feel heard and understood?
Those are the things that really count.
4) You both put in consistent effort
If you want to keep a certain person in your life, you can’t just take them for granted and not put in any effort to nurture your relationship.
I can’t stress this enough.
People aren’t castles. They don’t last for centuries if left untouched.
People are rivers, ever-flowing and ever-changing, and the only way to ensure they stay by your side is to go where the current takes you. You’ve got to learn how to swim. And then actually put that skill to use.
Sure, there will be tough times when you don’t have the energy to go on a date every week. Sure, you won’t always be able to prioritize the relationship.
But the general pattern ought to be about effort.
Cook a romantic dinner if your partner’s going through a rough time at work. Clean the kitchen even if you’re tired because you know it’ll make their morning easier. Plan dates and activities for you to do.
Show up.
If you or your partner don’t show up for each other, are you together because you really want to spend time with one another? Or are you just too scared of uncertainty and singledom?
That is the question.
5) Conflict pushes your relationship forward
We tend to think of conflict as something bad, right?
Except it isn’t.
In fact, Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, Eugene Beresin M.D., M.A., says that “relationships become stronger, more enduring, and closer through the resolution of a conflict.”
If there was no conflict, there would be no need for change, which ultimately goes against human nature.
We all evolve throughout our lives. We change. We face challenges. We learn. If you have a life partner, tension and conflict are bound to appear at some point.
But what matters is how you handle the conflict in question.
A partner for life shouldn’t run away at the slightest inconvenience. They shouldn’t make you feel alone when you’re drowning or let you carry all responsibility for the relationship.
Therefore, a huge sign you’ve found your life partner is that every disagreement pushes your relationship forward rather than backward.
Together, you’re able to communicate, set boundaries, learn, and grow.
6) You love your partner for who they are, not who they could be
I was recently speaking to my therapist about one of my past relationships, and she said, “It seems like you were in love with his potential rather than the person right in front of you.”
Looking back on the relationship, she couldn’t have been more right.
I stayed with my ex because he kept promising he would change for the better, but we eventually fell apart because his promises simply never came true.
Of course, this doesn’t mean your partner can’t change. I know plenty of people who have transformed whilst in a relationship, strengthening their connection with their significant other in the process.
However, you’ve got to take note of how many times your partner has tried and failed to enact an important change.
If your partner shows a lack of initiative but hasn’t taken any concrete steps to change in the long run, there’s a high chance you will complain about this very same issue five years from now on.
So, take a look at your partner as they are right now and ask yourself: “If nothing changes, will spending my life with this person make me happy?”
7) The relationship is a place of calm and stability rather than chaos
You and I both know that there is more to life than just romance.
And while most people want to have a romantic partner, we also strive to accomplish other things – we want a fulfilling career, a hobby that makes us feel alive, enriching friendships, and amazing experiences.
If your relationship is chaotic, let’s just say that other aspects of your life won’t exactly flourish.
This is because our partners have an insane impact on our mental and physical well-being.
If you’re stuck in a cycle of chaos – for example, if your partner doesn’t make you feel safe and doesn’t consistently show up for you – you will constantly feel frustrated, scared, panicked, anxious, and stressed.
Naturally, these feelings will cloud over your day-to-day life, contributing to a lack of focus at work, weaker friendships, and an overall sense of emotional exhaustion.
If your relationship is a place of calm and stability, though… well, then you have the time and energy to actually go after your dreams and fulfill your potential in life.
It’s incredibly important that your life partner supports you and lifts you up.
8) You choose each other when it matters
Emotional support isn’t just about rooting for one another and giving each other the space to follow your dreams.
It’s also about choosing and prioritizing the relationship when it matters.
Look, we aren’t talking about a one-month summer romance here. This is your life partner.
When all is said and done, this is the person you want sitting next to you when you’re in a rocking chair at eighty.
Make sure you both value the connection you’ve built with each other. Make sure you choose the relationship when it counts.
