Breakups are hard. Deciding it’s time to call it quits is even harder.
How do you know if you’re making the right decision? What will happen in the future if you end things?
When you’ve been dating someone for some time, you know what to expect. You know what the future holds.
But you have no idea what’ll happen if you break up.
There’s beauty in being single. Although it’s hard to see that when you’re in a relationship and scared to leave.
But staying when you’re no longer in love is probably the worst thing you can do for yourself (and them!).
How do you know if it’s time to call it quits? These 9 signs you’re not in love anymore should tell you everything you need to know.
1) You don’t want to be intimate with them
I think I speak for most people when I say that intimacy in a relationship is important.
Holding hands, kissing, cuddling, and (of course) sex are all important things needed in a healthy relationship.
There are tons of reasons why people stop being intimate. Stress, anxiety, and exhaustion can all negatively impact your sex drive, according to experts.
But so can losing love for your partner…
So if the idea of any physical affection with them just doesn’t interest you anymore – or if you’d rather sleep with anyone other than them, this isn’t a good sign.
2) You don’t want to go on dates anymore
Just like you don’t want to be intimate with this person, you won’t really want to go on dates when you’re not in love anymore.
And it’s not just because you’re out of the “honeymoon” phase.
Because I can tell you with 100% certainty that when you’re deeply in love, there is no “honeymoon” phase!
You’re always in love with them – and you can never get enough of their company.
Dating feels exciting and you love the idea of spending time, money, and energy on this person and the two of you together.
But in a bad relationship, you won’t feel quite so excited about dates. You won’t even think about organizing them yourself.
To you, dating feels like a waste of money. Going places with them just doesn’t sound as good as going with a friend (any friend, in fact!).
And you dread the idea of spending a couple of hours with just them alone, rather than on a double date or out with your friends.
3) You think you won’t find better
i.e., you’re settling!
Another thing you’ll do when you’re not in love anymore, but don’t want to be single, is believe that this is the best you’re going to get.
Sure, you don’t love them anymore. But you think you won’t find anything better than this. That it’ll be hard to find someone who offers more than them.
And surely this mediocre relationship is better than being single, right?
Unfortunately, it’s very wrong.
Settling is never a good idea – no matter how many boxes this person ticks. And it’s a pretty clear sign that you’re afraid of being single, rather than still in love.
4) You make excuses to stay with them
When you’re not in love, you know deep down that things aren’t right. But you make excuses to stay.
You might tell yourself that they’re a nice person, they have a good job, or you have a house together – so leaving would be a lot of hassle.
You might even tell yourself that it’s your fault that things aren’t working out. Like you don’t like your job at the moment or aren’t in the best shape physically.
And those are the reasons why you’re not happy in the relationship, rather than it being the relationship itself.
Which could be the case. But watch out for when the fact that you’re “just going through a rough patch” becomes a long-term excuse.
Because how long has the “rough patch” been going on for? Has it been years? Months even?
If so, you might not be going through a rough patch. You might just not be in love anymore.
And you might be staying with them because you don’t want to be single, rather than because you want to “wait it out” and “make things work”.
5) You feel annoyed with them more than you should
When the love is gone, it’s hard to exist in harmony with someone you’re dating.
Things they do and say just annoy you. It could be anything, from the way they eat to how they act when they’re out with friends.
Even hearing them share opinions or talk about their day just doesn’t interest you anymore. In fact, it bothers you!
And you know this isn’t right when you’re supposed to be in love.
I felt this way about someone I was dating once. He was a great guy, but every little thing he did started to annoy me. Most of the time, I didn’t even know why I was annoyed!
I tried to stop being annoyed. I tried to make more excuses for him and make things work. In hindsight, I think this was because I didn’t want to start again with someone new.
And I was afraid of singlehood, rather than still in love. Which you might be too…
6) You feel like you’ve invested too much time to call it quits
Guilty! I did this once in a long-term relationship.
We’d been together six years and, even though it wasn’t working out, I felt like if we ended things, it would have all been for nothing.
Like those last six years would’ve been a waste of my life.
But the reality is that continuing to stay is the real waste of life – not the time you’ve already had together.
Because the time you’ve had isn’t a waste – since there’s good and bad in all life experiences.
Plus, not all relationships are supposed to last forever. Some teach us things and some are just for fun (until they’re not anymore).
And no matter how long you’ve been together, it’s never “been too long” to break up.
7) You don’t want to start over
Another sign you’re afraid of being single is if you stay with this person because you don’t want to start over with someone new.
When I was in a relationship that was near the end, I kept thinking about what it’d be like to start over. To get back onto the dating apps and go on first dates again.
I didn’t like the idea of it. I didn’t like the idea of having to learn everything about someone new.
To have the “How many siblings do you have?” conversations and answer the dreaded questions about “What I’m looking for in the future”.
But – you and I both know – just because you don’t want to start over, that doesn’t mean you’re still in love with the person you’re currently with.
It probably means you’re scared of being single and what comes with it.
8) You know things aren’t right
Everyone has a gut feeling when things aren’t heading in the right direction.
When you’ve lost love for the person you’re dating, you’ll know something is wrong.
Deep down, you’ll have a bad feeling about the two of you and your future. Or about how they treat you.
You’re not 100% sure that you’ve lost love, but there’s something niggling at you.
Maybe you’re unhappy more than you’re not. Or you know you were happier when you were single or when you were with someone else rather than with them.
Or maybe you can’t quite put your finger on what it is about this person. But you just know that something isn’t right.
9) You don’t want to be alone
Finally, the biggest sign you’re not in love anymore and you’re just scared of being single is if you don’t want to be alone.
The idea of living alone, coming home to an empty house, no good morning or goodnight texts, and not having someone love you anymore feels terrifying.
Yeah, that’s probably the clearest sign that you’re just sticking around because of what breaking up means.
Being single isn’t a bad thing. When you’re single (and healed from the breakup), you know this with every fiber of your being!
But when you’re in a relationship, being single can seem like the worst thing in the world.
Especially if you haven’t been single for a while. Or haven’t ever been single…
I’m not denying that ending a relationship after many years isn’t scary. When you’ve built a life and imagined a future with someone, calling it quits throws you deep into the unknown.
But once you’re through the worst of it, you find beauty in the unknown. Your entire world opens up again and you get to find out what’s truly meant for you in this life.
And (take it from someone who felt the way you do), it’s way better to be single than in a relationship with someone you no longer love!
It’s also better for them – which is always important to remember.