Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages!
Prepare to be amazed.
We have today, all the way from the farthest corners of the world, a spectacle that knows no equal.
Come right this way and see one of the most peculiar and incomprehensible beings ever to walk to the face of the earth.
Prepare to be astounded! Prepare to have your eyes opened to the deepest of mysteries and most bewildering paradoxes of the universe.
I’m speaking, of course, of none other than the astonishing man child.
Yes, this walking contradiction has long baffled scientists and laypersons alike with his inconsistencies and enigmatic nature.
Yet now you have the exclusive opportunity to examine this creature and the ten definite signs you’re dealing with a man child.
Step right up, step right up!
1) He’s a slob.
One of the surest signs of a man child is the subject’s inability to clean up after himself.
This is shown by his pure commitment to messing up any home or apartment he lives in, turning it from a place fit for human habitation into a man-child cave.
You’ll see dirty dishes left in the sink for days.
Stinky clothes strewn creatively about are a definite signal, as are an unmade bed, towers of empty beverage cans, and layers of dust thicker than the layers of paint they cover.
The man child is known for both creating extensive messes and also relying on others to clean them up for him, whether a partner, a roommate, or preferably his mother.
He’s known to wait days or even weeks in between cleanings and can withstand levels of grubbiness unmatched by any other creature.
2) He lacks discipline.
The man child is well known for having poor self-control and an almost total lack of discipline, much like the child he is often compared with.
But unlike a child, the man child has responsibilities to live up to.
He just rarely ever does.
The man child is constantly late for everything, busy as he is with his own interests.
He also stays up inappropriately late when he has important things to do the next day and then sleeps in or doesn’t get up at all.
Plans made with him are in constant need of revision as he changes his mind, forgets, or changes priorities too frequently.
This is one of the greatest frustrations of interacting with a man child, though for some, it’s worth it because…
3) He’s fun.
This is the characteristic that draws in the majority of the man child’s prey.
The fact is that, although he physically resembles a grown human man, the man child is something else entirely.
While men can be serious and responsible, not so for him.
He’s able to play constantly, whether that means video games, partying at bars, sleeping around, or obsessing with sports.
The man child is the sort of individual you’d love to have on a holiday with you and can make for an excellent companion for clubbing or other exciting activities.
As long as you recognize that the man child is really only good at playing, you’ll be more than happy to spend time in his company.
4) He’s supremely focused on his friends.
While actual men can have interests in partnerships, family, and careers, the man child is a different animal altogether.
He is a highly social creature whose friendships are of utmost importance to him.
These friends may be physical buddies or pals he meets online.
Either way, his interactions with these friends occupy most of his attention, and he has little time or energy left for others.
The man child will always choose spending time with friends over building up romantic relationships or focusing on work.
He needs his friends for support, entertainment, and companionship.
In short, he is focused on his peer group and has little interest in anything outside of it.
5) He’s a mama’s boy.
In actual fact, there is often one other person who may be more important to the man child than his friend group.
This, naturally, is the man child’s mother, and the relationship between them is intensely different than between a grown man and his mother.
A grown man feels a sense of responsibility towards his mother, often helping her when necessary and making plans for her old age.
For the man child, however, the relationship is much different.
His mother is still very much responsible for him, often caring for him closely for many more years than any other mammal on Earth.
She may do his laundry and clean his apartment for him, tell him who to date, or even support him financially when he is <ahem> between jobs.
Much like a cub to a lioness, a man-child often reveres and fears his mother. She knows best, even about his relationship with his partner, and he would never dream of contradicting her.
6) His finances are in disarray.
You wouldn’t expect a chimpanzee to have an extensive investment portfolio or a 401(K) plan.
Just so for the man child.
Unexpectedly, many man children actually have plenty of expendable income, but they almost always treat their money as such.
Many of them make mountains of money through a combination of skills and charisma (or even inheritance!), but this money is almost always used frivolously on things like cars, partying, and other entertainment.
The man child lacks the discipline to save and put money aside responsibly.
Instead, he feels it’s his responsibility to spend it on anything at all as long as it’s something that won’t last.
And when the man child has no money, he is quite content to borrow from his parents or even ask for donations to his lifestyle outright – truly fascinating behavior!
7) He throws mantrums.
“Mantrum” is not the singular of mantra.
Instead, this is a curious behavior unique to the man child.
While a two-year-old human child will often throw a tantrum when he doesn’t get his own way, this behavior typically fades away in early childhood.
The man child, however, continues his ability to throw man tantrums long after he is fully grown.
Researchers believe that this may come from his deep sense of entitlement, lack of emotional maturity, and inability to process the word “no” unless it comes from his mother.
In any event, the man child will display this behavior when his food is not served perfectly at a restaurant or when he is denied a convenient appointment time.
It’s fascinating to observe how the man child deals with the world as though it is his personal playground and is so easy to erupt at the slightest upset.
8) He lacks personal responsibility.
When the man child applies for a job but is rejected, he blames the hiring process as unfair.
If he is unable to make a meeting on time, he may direct a mantrum at traffic conditions.
Forgetting an important birthday or anniversary is not the man child’s fault. The blame can be placed on the other person for having raised expectations.
This is, as we can see, because the man child has no personal accountability, at least not for most of his own actions.
If he has any accountability at all, it is to his bros and their pastimes, but to his partner, family, and work, the man child is most certainly not beholden.
9) He is terrified of commitment.
But don’t confuse that with lacking a desire to mate!
The man child is most certainly interested in sexual relations, much like a grown man.
He is, however, quite incapable of most of the adult behaviors that often accompany such relations.
These may include monogamy, trust, dependability, respect, and more.
The man child holds a sense of entitlement which makes him feel that he deserves sex and companionship without needing to put anything back into his relationship.
This is an odd and almost entirely unique state that is found almost nowhere else in nature.
10) He is unable to take criticism.
The man child is, at least in his own view, perfect.
He has no flaws, no need to change or improve anything about himself.
In his view, anyone who thinks otherwise is seriously flawed.
The man child can do no wrong; therefore, if anyone criticizes him, they’re the one with the problem.
His natural defense is to get angry and defensive should anyone offer even the slightest suggestion that he’s imperfect.
The mysterious man child
Be warned! While he appears to be a grown man, the man child is, in fact, a very different beast altogether.
While he can be a fun and friendly companion, the man child is not relationship material, nor will he change simply because he gets married. However, he is a like a pupa that may one day, under the right conditions, develop into full adult form.