14 signs your trust issues aren’t about him, but you

No one is blaming you. You probably have valid reasons for why you don’t trust the man you’re with right now. It’s not the funnest position to be in, but here you are.

As you work through your trust issues, you can’t help but wonder—as Taylor Swift put it in the banger, “Anti Hero”—”It’s me, hi. I’m the problem it’s me.”

As you proceed into your relationship though, how do you know your lack of trust in your significant other is all him versus you. Why do you doubt him?

1) He has never done anything deceitful to you.

Regardless of how long you’ve been together, if he hasn’t done anything to make you think he can’t be trusted, this issue may be your own doing.

Has he ever lied to you? Or worse, have you been the victim of his cheating or wandering eye before?

2) You’ve been cheated on by someone else in the past. 

If your current man has cheated on you before, it’s totally him. He is the problem.

If someone else betrayed you in this way, this may be more about you. It’s possible that you might be merely projecting what someone else did onto your new flame.

That’s perfectly understandable, but unfortunately, it’s also hardly fair.

3) You are projecting issues you faced with other people onto him.

If you want your relationship to succeed, you really are going to have to lighten the load on your baggage.

That means, if someone in your past has treated you poorly or made you afraid to trust again, this is your issue to face, not his. 

If you project this onto your partner, you may be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy or you’ll ruin the bond you have before there’s remotely a problem. 

It’s worth remembering that not everyone is going to treat you the same way. Every person and relationship is unique, and each one deserves a fresh perspective and a healthy dose of faith.

4) One or both of your parents were deceitful. 

Unfortunately, if you were a product of a tumultuous household where one of your parents was cheating or lying to the other parent, you may project their issues onto your relationships.

After all, how could you trust someone you’re dating if your own parent can deceive someone they love? 

Experiencing this as a child can make a lasting impact on your future relationships.

I suggest working through your past in therapy so you can make sense of it all. It’ll help you move on and face your relationship unhampered by the poor relationship models you’ve had as a child.

5) You experienced unresolved trauma in the past.

Just like witnessing one of your parents deceive the other, there can be other unresolved trauma from your childhood that will carry onto your future relationships.

For instance, if you’re from a high-conflict household from an early age, things your partner may do now (even if their actions are totally innocent) can totally trigger you.

Unless you overcome your past, it will continue to shape your future. The weight you’re carrying—which may be subconscious—will push people away or make you doubt yourself. 

6) You’re general suspicious of other people.

If you’re consistently suspicious or doubtful of other people, that could be a sign that your trust issues aren’t about him but you.

For example, do you sometimes wonder if people are talking about you behind your back? Or that people don’t like you even if they’re nice to your face? 

I don’t blame you. There are mean-spirited people out there. Let’s hope your partner is not one of them. Trust him unless he proves he shouldn’t be.

7) You have low self-esteem.

Unfortunately, having self-doubt and assuming the worst of people could mean you suffer from low self-esteem. Lean on your support system who will remind you you’re amazing.

It might also be worth looking at your expectations in your relationship. 

While it’s perfectly okay to expect your partner to support you or cheer you up when you’re down, it also isn’t their responsibility to make you feel good about yourself as a whole.

That responsibility lies in your hands; happiness is something we never find in the outside world because it’s always an inside job.   

This leads me to my next point…

8) You aren’t happy with your life at the moment. 

This is a friendly reminder that your happiness is your responsibility and yours alone. 

If you’re always down—regardless of what your partner does to make you trust him—you’ll always want more from him. 

Even if he hasn’t done anything to make you think otherwise, his trust may not be enough. 

If you’re just not happy with yourself right now, you’ll want all of him and 24/7 of his time to feed your joy. He might not have it to give, but that doesn’t mean he’s not necessarily trustworthy. 

9) You’re afraid of being abandoned. 

Okay, don’t be offended. But perhaps you’re just being overly clingy. I’ve been there. When you’re down and have low self-esteem, you can’t help but fear abandonment. 

You might have also experienced abandonment in the past and assume every relationship will end this way, so you expect your partner to prove to you unequivocally he’s yours. 

In that case, you might be the person causing your own trust issues here. 

10) You are afraid of vulnerability.

If someone has hurt you in the past, you will be less willing to be vulnerable in a relationship. As a result, instead of having a healthy relationship, you may create a volatile one. 

A volatile relationship is one where you don’t open up and let people in. This is related to trust because if someone doesn’t truly know who you are and what you want, how can they feel connected to you? 

If that connection is not there, you won’t trust the relationship to thrive, let alone trust the person. 

11) You are afraid of intimacy. 

If you’re afraid to be vulnerable, you’ll likely fear intimacy as well.

I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about forming a real close bond with your partner. If you’re not fully intimate with him, it’s a sign you have trust issues.

If you are staying away from forming a deep emotional bond with someone, that means you don’t trust them. 

You won’t allow yourself to be hurt or betrayed so you refuse to have faith in your relationship, which is truly unfortunate. You deserve more.

12) You have a strong need for control. 

Do you find yourself often wanting to control certain situations and your partner? It might be something you’re doing unconsciously, most likely driven by a need to protect yourself from harm or disappointment.

I totally get it; once bitten, twice shy! But the downside of that? You might be pushing away the person who truly cares about you.

Don’t be afraid of the outcome of your relationship. Try to enjoy it instead. Give someone a bit more faith until they give you a reason otherwise. 

13) You tend fo overanalyze and overthink.

If you’re a “run the worst case scenario” person, you might be overthinking and overanalyzing your relationship. 

If your partner hasn’t given you a reason not to trust him, but you still think he could do something deceitful, maybe it’s all in your head.

I realize hearing that can be infuriating. “It’s all in your head,” is what cheaters sometimes tell their partners to distract and diffuse from their betrayal. 

Nevertheless, overanalyzing is different than simply questioning. The former is not where you want to me. You can question and inquire, but not overdo it or you’ll spiral into thinking the worst. 

14) You have a limited circle of friends.

One of the most important things you can do to actually protect your emotions is to surround yourself with a great support system.

That means, find your circle and love them hard. Whether you’re in a committed relationship with a lover or not, you should always maintain your friendships. 

Not only will having a great social circle make you happy and confident, you’ll have less time to overanalyze your relationship and spiral. 

A good self-esteem will also help you form a better connection with your significant other. And should that relationship not work out, you’ve at least still got your friends to turn to. 

Picture of Ysolt Usigan Schmidt

Ysolt Usigan Schmidt

Ysolt Usigan is a lifestyle writer and editor with 15+ years of experience working in digital media. She has created share-worthy content for publishers WomansDay.com, Shape, WhatToExpect, CafeMom, TODAY, CBSNews, HuffingtonPost, TheBump, Health Magazine, and AskMen. A working mom of two, her editorial expertise in relationships, spirituality, mental wellness, shopping, and home are rooted in her everyday life.

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