9 signs you truly respect yourself, according to psychology

There’s a quote from Stephen Chbosky’s novel “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” that goes, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” 

I’d say this applies to respect as well. If we truly respect ourselves, there are certain standards we’ll uphold in our lives. 

And I truly believe that it’s the first step to creating a life that reflects the worth you hold within. 

When you respect yourself, you set the stage for the kind of treatment you expect from others and the quality of relationships you maintain. 

What does it look like when you truly have a healthy sense of self-respect? Here are 9 signs, according to psychology: 

1) You know your boundaries and can enforce them

One of the clearest signs that you truly respect yourself is when you make yourself clear about what you will and won’t accept in your life. 

Psychologists are always talking about how boundaries are so important in relationships. They’re there to help us be safe and mentally and emotionally healthy. 

If you know what your boundaries are, you’re already a step ahead. You know why? Because that means you value yourself enough to think about the following things: 

  • What makes you feel safe
  • What makes you feel uncomfortable
  • What you need to thrive emotionally 
  • What drains your energy or causes you stress 
  • What you will tolerate in relationships and what you won’t 
  • How you want to be treated by others

And to be able to enforce them – to actually say no without feeling guilty, for example – means you consider yourself worth the awkwardness or unpleasantness of putting your foot down when needed. 

2) You avoid comparing yourself to others

Another sign that you truly respect yourself is that you don’t compare yourself to others. You don’t look at other people’s lives and think, “I wish I were as rich/smart/charming as this person…”

Why? Because you already know how special you are! You’ve got your own unique strengths and talents, and you know that you bring a whole lot to the table, even though it may look different from everyone else’s. 

Psychologists have always pointed out how comparison can be so damaging to one’s self-esteem. 

So to subject yourself to that? That’s kind of an insult to the wonderful and capable person you already know you are. You simply refuse to be so mean to yourself!

3) You don’t seek the approval of others

Here’s one of the main traits that sets apart a self-respecting person from the rest – their sense of worth doesn’t come from what other people think of them. 

I remember when I was younger, I really struggled with people-pleasing. I was always trying to gain approval and make everyone happy, often at the expense of my own happiness. 

It got to a point where I had to really stop, sit down and think: 

Is this something I really want? Why does it matter what they think of me? And more importantly, what do I really think of myself? 

Yes, this is the bullseye question here: What do YOU think of yourself? 

Because really, in life, what matters is that…

4) You think and speak highly of yourself

This is the main goal if you want to be a self-respecting person. You’ve got to satisfy your own standards for living! 

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t mean to say that this is your license to see yourself as superior to others. Not at all. 

What I’m saying is, if you truly respect yourself, then it’s your opinion about yourself that matters most. 

And how do you get to that point? You focus on building character instead of angling for people’s approval

Why? 

Because, as author Joan Didion points out in her thoughtful essay on self-respect, “Character — the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life — is the source from which self-respect springs.”

True self-respect isn’t about how others see you. If you pin your hopes on that, well, I hate to say it, but you’re in for a world of pain. It’s just impossible to control every single person’s opinion of you. 

But if you’re all about building character and being a better person, then self-respect will come about as a natural offshoot of that. 

5) You make decisions based on your values

habits of disciplined people for achieving success according to psychology 9 signs you truly respect yourself, according to psychology

Following on from that, as a self-respecting person, you prioritize authenticity and meaning above all. 

According to VeryWellMind:

“People with self-respect have a set of morals and values by which they evaluate their character and actions. They are often willing to bet all they have on upholding these norms of behavior, as their very worth and sense of self depend on it.”

Does that sound like you? If yes, then it sounds like you truly respect yourself and have designed a life that rings true to you! 

6) You’re picky with the company you keep

Speaking of designing a healthy life, you also know just how important it is to choose the people who surround you. 

This is perhaps one of the most significant decisions you’ll ever make in life. After all, as psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “The quality of our relationships determine the quality of our lives.” 

If you truly respect yourself, you’re quite discerning with whom you let into your life. You know that not everyone out there is deserving of your trust and time. 

So, who gets into your precious circle? The ones who uplift you. The ones you can rely on when the going gets tough. And the ones who inspire you to be better everyday

This also means…

7) You don’t tolerate toxic people

Why do people get stuck in toxic relationships? Or repeatedly find themselves being mistreated? 

Well, according to psychologists, two huge reasons are the fear of being alone and low self-worth. Those are powerful motivators for remaining in relationships with people who don’t value them. 

But if you truly respect yourself, this isn’t as much of a struggle for you. Because you know your worth, you can sense when you’re getting something (or someone) that doesn’t see that. 

Your strong sense of boundaries comes into play here as well. When you know, for instance, that rudeness is just unacceptable behavior for you, you’ll nip it in the bud when someone speaks to you rudely. 

When you know that having a loyal and faithful partner is non-negotiable, you’d walk away quickly from one who isn’t. 

You say no to scraps and bread crumbs because you know you deserve the whole deal. 

8) You’re always learning new things

Self-respect means you’re respecting not just who you are right now, but also your potential. 

You think about yourself as worth investing a lot of time and effort in because you already know this singular truth: you have intrinsic worth. 

Psychologists also explain that having a growth mindset has a direct effect on self-esteem. Basically, “people with a growth mindset have better self-esteem, more resilience, and enjoy better outcomes in life.”

It all comes down to what you believe about yourself. Do you believe you have the capacity to grow and improve? 

Let’s face it – change is hard. It takes a lot of self-respect and self-belief to keep going and growing. 

9) Self-care is essential for you

That said, having self-respect also means knowing when to stop and take care of yourself. 

This goes beyond having self-care routines like alone time or pamper sessions, although those are definitely effective ways to refresh you, too. 

But to look at self-care in terms of the bigger picture, psychologists advise the following behaviors: 

  • You take full responsibility for your own happiness and well-being
  • You’re assertive with others
  • You treat yourself as you would a close friend
  •  You’re willing to ask for what you want, even though you might not get it
  • You orientate your life around your values to develop intrinsic motivation

See how it all ties up with everything we’ve discussed so far? Self-respect, ultimately, is knowing how to advocate for yourself. 

After all, if you can’t show up for yourself, who will? 

Picture of Roselle Umlas

Roselle Umlas

I am a freelance writer with a lifelong interest in helping people become more reflective and self-aware so that they can communicate better and enjoy meaningful relationships.

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