Compatibility certainly doesn’t have to mean being exactly like your partner in every way.
Take me and my other half. He is a real introvert who is sensitive and quiet. I on the other hand am a self-confessed extrovert who never shuts up.
Yet we still work.
That’s because compatibility rests on some much deeper aspects than sharing the same personality.
According to psychology, certain things strengthen your relationship and ensure a long-lasting connection.
Have you ever wondered if you and your partner are truly compatible?
Chances are you have, as a 2022 study noted that we can’t help but weigh up our similarities and differences when we meet a potential mate.
So let’s find out once and for all…
1) You have shared values
Core values may be hidden in the background, but they directly impact our actions and attitudes.
They are the things that are most important to us and make up our basic beliefs about the world.
If your fundamental values in life clash, then you are going to have plenty of problems.
For that reason, physician and clinical mental health writer Kristen Fuller encourages us to dive deep into values with our partner.
“It is also a wise idea to be direct and have a conversation about core values. This should be done as early as possible, and it can be done in a casual conversation by simply asking if they are religious, if they want children if they are close with their family, and what values are important to them. Ask them about their past romantic relationships, their friendships, and their family ties. Ask them what their core values are and why.”
2) You enjoy many of the same things
It’s perfectly natural to do your own thing and have your own hobbies.
My boyfriend likes heavy metal concerts and I couldn’t think of anything worse.
Hopefully, you can respect each other’s different interests and encourage one another’s personal growth.
But you’re far more compatible when a lot of your interests cross over and are shared. That way you can spend quality time together doing things that you both enjoy.
Therapist Stephen J. Betchen D.S.W. believes that too many differences in interests can cause serious relationship problems.
“When two partners have the same or similar interests, life is easier for the couple. Better yet, if they share a passion for the same interests, it can bond them for years. “
3) Your life goals are aligned
…Or at the very least, they don’t clash.
So if you’re a thrill-seeker who can’t wait to travel the world, you want a fellow adventurer by your side.
But if your partner has already got their career plan all mapped out for the next 5 years, you may well fall foul of that frustrating phenomenon:
Right person wrong time.
Being out of sync in this way is ultimately a form of incompatibility. Where you’re headed in life matters.
Research published in the Journal of Personality confirms this as it found that couples who had similar life goals enjoyed greater satisfaction within their relationships.
4) You want the same thing from a relationship
This is a very important piece of the puzzle that can be overlooked.
We’re not talking about life goals, we’re talking about relationship goals.
Research has highlighted how so-called relationship readiness can be a big factor in whether it will last long term.
You can be highly compatible and get on like a house on fire. But what if they’re looking for a fling and you want commitment? They are into open relationships and you need monogamy?
Relationship compatibility has to mean that you want similar things out of your connection.
That means both of you are emotionally available and working towards building your partnership.
5) You may have your moments, but most of the time you get on really well
I’ve been guilty in the past of mistaking toxicity for passion.
In a weird way, we can think that drama, jealousy, or heated exchanges are just a sign of strong feelings.
Roller coaster relationships may start off thrilling but soon make you queasy.
Meanwhile, plain sailing in a relationship is far from boring. It’s a positive sign of very high compatibility.
You have a strong friendship and that serves as a solid foundation.
The time you spend together is largely positive, without large disruptive ups and downs.
6) You just get one another
Instantly clicking with someone can be hard to explain. But Psychologist Meredith Fuller says it’s actually a sign of subconscious compatibility.
“When we feel like we click with another person, there’s an unconscious recognition of each other. We unconsciously pick up on similar experiences and values we have with each other and these similarities bind us together.”
If you feel like your partner really understands you, it’s a testament to a strong emotional connection.
You are able to empathize with each other’s emotions and you feel safe being vulnerable with each other.
If we can’t be real, we can’t feel secure or seen in a relationship.
So it’s perhaps unsurprising that research has noted that authenticity in romantic relationships leads to greater trust, stability, satisfaction, and commitment.
7) You’re attracted to each other in a variety of ways
Desire and attraction don’t just rest on looks.
That’s a good thing, as they have an unavoidable habit of changing as the years pass by.
Much of those sparks may well come from physical lust for one another. You may feel like you’re just each other’s type, and that’s bound to make it easier.
But deep attraction comes from having the hots for who someone is, and not just what they look like.
We’ve probably all experienced a scenario where we thought someone was cute at first, but when they opened their mouth to speak they suddenly started to look ugly.
That’s because who someone is either draws you closer or turns you off.
It’s all of these aspects combined that create chemistry, that hard-to-define quality that creates a spark.
As New York Times bestselling author Mark Manson explains:
“When there is a high degree of chemistry, that strong connection can bring out warm, fuzzy emotions in each other, creating a kind of positive feedback loop through which two people continue to make each other feel better and better. When you have a high degree of chemistry with someone, they monopolize your thoughts and/or your free time. You’ll stay awake talking till the sun comes up and not even feel like an hour went by.”
8) You’re able to resolve conflict
In many ways, it doesn’t matter how compatible you are during the good times if the bad times cause irreparable damage.
Arguments and disagreements are pretty much unavoidable in any long-term relationship.
What counts is how you address those and move on.
Having strong conflict resolution as a couple is what will bring you closer when difficulties threaten to pull you apart.
That means:
- You can communicate openly to resolve conflicts
- You try to respect each other’s opinions even during disagreements
- You manage to resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner
- You are willing to compromise and find solutions together
9) You have the same sense of humor
Humor not only plays an important part in initial attraction, but it also has a significant role in relationship success.
We know that laughing is good for you and lightens your load, and according to studies, joking around with a romantic partner also keeps the love alive.
Social psychologist Laura Kurtz says it’s a sign of a healthy relationship.
“In general, couples who laugh more together tend to have higher-quality relationships. Participants who laughed more with their partners during a recorded conversation in the lab tended to also report feeling closer to and more supported by their partners.”
But importantly, it’s about finding the same things funny. That’s what researcher Jeffrey Hall concluded in an article published in the journal Personal Relationships.
“People say they want a sense of humor in a mate, but that’s a broad concept. That people think you are funny or you can make a joke out of anything is not strongly related to relationship satisfaction. What is strongly related to relationship satisfaction is the humor that couples create together.”
10) You DON’T feel like they complete you
We’re all looking for “the one”. So this sign may come as a bit of a surprise.
Let me explain.
Sometimes we get drawn to people for the wrong reasons. We feel comfortable because it’s familiar to us.
For example, it’s a dynamic that we grew up with and matches our families. But that doesn’t mean it’s good for us.
Independence is an important part of any healthy connection.
That’s why psychologist and author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships, Dr. Lisa Firestone recommends ditching the notion of soulmates and leaving your comfort zone:
“To avoid choosing partners for the wrong reasons, our quest for a compatible relationship should never be a search for our “missing piece.” When we seek out someone who “completes” us, we might limit ourselves and our personal growth. Instead, we should pick people who challenge us and help us evolve. We can even take chances with people who, at first, may make us uncomfortable, because they show more interest in and care for us than we are familiar or comfortable with.”
