8 signs you and your partner are highly compatible, according to psychology

If you want a relationship that ends with “happily ever after,” compatibility is something you should look for in a partner.

While real love can seem straight-up magical at times, the truth is that it’s simply not enough.

If your core values clash and your lifestyles don’t mesh well together, then there’s no use pretending that your relationship will be the stuff of fairytales.  

You absolutely need compatibility—not 100% (because that’s impossible, and would be totally boring anyway), but you’d need at least a good 80% or even 75% match.

So… how can you tell if you’re highly compatible with someone?

Here are 8 signs.

1) You actually like them, not just love them

In the 1970’s, social psychologist Zick Rubin tried to distinguish the difference between liking and loving.

He said that LOVE includes a desire for intimacy and caring for the other person’s needs, while LIKE is more about admiration and appreciation of one’s point of view and company.

It’s not enough that you love your partner, you have to like them as a person, too!

You might be going, “Huh? Is it possible to love someone without liking them?”

The answer is “Of course!”

Take my first relationship, for example. I loved taking care of my ex, and I loved the feeling of being in love with him. 

But there were just so many ways where we weren’t a good match, that it started to wear us out. 

I was passionate about movies, but he wasn’t into it—like, at all. He didn’t give a damn about his health, while I was a health buff. And so on.

In the end, I was trying to change him, just so I could like him more… and that made us resent each other.

You gotta ask yourself:

  • How much do you like your partner for who they are? 
  • How much do you think they love you for who you are?

If your answer is “So very f*cking much!” and you know it’s 100% the truth, then you just might be highly compatible.

2) You’re on the same wavelength

According to a study, once we determine our partner’s attractiveness level as “good enough,” we then generally care more about intelligence.

And that’s a good thing because intellectual compatibility is essential to a fulfilling relationship.

No, you don’t have to be two nerds in a pod or the academic couple type. It just means you’re able to connect and engage over similar topics and intellectual pursuits.

Psychologists have learned that there are two main benefits to finding your intellectual match—a) you’ll have stimulating conversations, and b) you’ll have more opportunities for personal growth.

So ask yourself these questions:

  • Do you enjoy talking with your partner?
  • Do you learn new things and ideas from them?
  • Do you find them intelligent in their own way?
  • And most of all—do neither of you talk to the other in a patronizing nor belittling manner?

If you said yes to all, then bravo! Another point to your relationship’s high compatibility!

3) You have the same inner compass

In other words, your core values are aligned.

What are core values?

According to Dr. Kristen Fuller:

Core values in a relationship are the guiding beliefs that direct your words and actions; your perspective is about yourself and other individuals and the world around you. Core values are the foundation of how you live your life.

Examples of core values include:

  • Religion 
  • Political views
  • Gender roles (how to divide house chores, how a man/woman should act, etc.)
  • Handling finances
  • Relationship with parents (boundaries and responsibilities)
  • Loyalty (what it means to both of you)

While it can’t be helped for couples to clash in some areas, the closer your core values are to each other, the more pleasant your relationship will be.

You’ll have less arguments because you don’t have to negotiate or put in the effort to understand each other. 

Things are simpler because when it comes to the crucial stuff, you’re on the same page. 

4) You actually find their flaws cute

According to licensed therapist Sherrie Campbell:

“Marriages break up over an accumulation of ‘small stuff.’ Everyone has their quirks and flaws, and to be healthy together you need to make sure you see these imperfections as endearing.”

So how are you with the “small stuff?”

If your partner repeatedly forgets to turn off the lights, do you get so riled up you’d kick a wall? Or do you think “HAHA. My forgetful little bug?”

If your partner buys another bag of spinach but never gets around to cooking it, do you wonder “Why am I with someone this careless?” Or do you go “Baby! Next time, just let me do the shopping, ok?”give them a kiss on the forehead, and let go of the incident?

Well, the good news is you’re a very patient person, but also… you and your partner are probably highly compatible!

Yes, it can get very frustrating, but most of the time, you’re able to let things slide because their flaws aren’t really that big of a deal to you. 

5) Your arguments are resolved quickly

signs of true love in a relationship according to psychology 8 signs you and your partner are highly compatible, according to psychology

Dr. John Gottman, psychologist known for his work on marital stability, has research that proves that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable. 

And while that might seem like a lot, if you’re “on the same page” on how you deal with your problems, these tensions become easy to iron out, to the point that they diminish the longer you’re together.

Why is this a sign that you and your partner are highly compatible?

Well, if you share the same conflict-resolution practices, you probably have:

  • Good communication skills
  • A shared “wavelength”
  • The same vision
  • Core values that are aligned with each other
  • The same desire to want to make things work

And these are all indicators that you’re indeed a good match.

6) Day-to-day life is actually enjoyable

A very clear indicator of compatibility is your ability to enjoy each other’s company and co-exist harmoniously.

Think back to the pandemic. How many couples do you know who broke up because they realized it was hard to be together day in and day out? For me, it’s too many.

According to a study on marital success, here are some things that couples consider essential to a successful marriage:

  • Having shared interests – 64%
  • Satisfying sexual relationship – 61%
  • Sharing household chores – 56%
  • Shared religious beliefs – 47%
  • Having children – 43%
  • Adequate income – 42%
  • Agreeing on political issues -16%

If you look closer, all of these have a lot to do with compatibility!

But what’s interesting is that having shared interests is number one, while the issue of chores is third, beating the financial aspect.

If you have hobbies together, if you have a system of doing chores, and if you’re in love and sexually compatible, then day-to-day life is full of moments of bliss. 

Even if the occasional bumps on the road come along, ya good!

Similarly, too much incompatibility in these areas will grate on your relationship even without a single big and explosive fight.

7) Your relationship doesn’t feel like HARD work

Yes, every relationship takes work—but some may feel like you’re climbing Mount Everest carrying a 300-lb backpack. And everyday is a struggle for survival. 

Luckily, yours may be challenging at times, but since you think alike and your core values are aligned, everything goes much much easier.

You don’t sigh in resignation and say, “I just don’t understand you!”

And they don’t hash out old issues and shout, “You still haven’t changed!”

Compatibility in a relationship brings a sense of ease. Not to say that things are always smooth sailing, but even when it gets rough, you still feel secure in your partner. 

You know that whatever happens, they’re fighting with you and not against you. 

8) You don’t feel like you’re turning into a different person

Instead, you’re turning more into the person you’re meant to be.

When I was with my ex, our clashing differences turned me into a b*tch, that I hardly recognized myself. I turned into an enraged woman!

But not only that, somehow I also started to slowly become the person he wanted me to be. And this is inevitable when you’re in a relationship with someone you’re incompatible with!

The same was true for him. He became angry, and years of being together turned him into a people-pleaser—ll to keep the peace in our home.

If you can’t relate to this, lucky you.

You’re definitely with someone you’re compatible with.

And if you notice that you’re actually becoming the best version of yourself, then not only are you compatible as a couple, this relationship also sounds like it’s a definite keeper.

When you’re highly compatible with your partner, you’ll have a healthy and secure relationship which allows you to flourish.

Final thoughts

Finding a good match can seem daunting at times. 

And that makes sense! In a world of 8 billion people, meeting that “one” who shares your point of view and values, accepts your flaws, and inspires you to personal growth is a big ask. 

But then, that’s why when it does happen, it feels like magic. 

If you’ve found that person, that’s really awesome for you! 

Make sure you give your relationship the attention and care that it deserves. Because even good things still need to be nurtured. 

And if you’re still looking for your match, keep faith. 

While you’re out there, do the work on yourself. Figure out what matters to you and what you want out of your own life. 

Because it’s necessary to know yourself, in order to recognize if you’re truly compatible with someone.

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Picture of Tina Fey

Tina Fey

I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. I'm writing for Ideapod to try and find it again. Hope you enjoy the journey with me.

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