10 signs you’re dealing with a fake “nice guy” narcissist

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newimagesize 2023 08 23T154109.630 10 signs you're dealing with a fake "nice guy" narcissist

Ever met someone who seems super nice at first, but then something feels… off?

You might be dealing with a “nice guy” narcissist.

They start out all sweet and helpful, but as time goes by, they show their true self.

And trust me, it’s not as nice as you’d hope.

Here’s how to tell if that “kind” person isn’t what they seem.

1. Excessive Compliments… But Only On Their Terms

We all love a good compliment now and then, right? It makes us feel good, valued, and seen.

But with the “nice guy” narcissist, compliments come with a catch. They’ll shower you with praise, but often, it’s at times that benefit them the most.

For instance, they might compliment you profusely in front of their friends to appear charming but forget to acknowledge your achievements when you’re alone.

Or they might compliment you only when they need a favor.

The key here is inconsistency.

Genuine compliments are given freely and sincerely, not strategically.

If you notice that the kind words come mainly when they have something to gain, you might be dealing with a classic sign of a narcissistic charmer.

2. They Turn Every Conversation Back to Themselves

Ever tried sharing a story about a challenging day at work, expecting some sympathy or advice, only to hear: “Oh, that reminds me of the time I had a similar issue…”?

Before you know it, the conversation’s flipped, and it’s all about them. Again.

I remember a friend named Lila who once told me about a “nice guy” she dated.

She’d had a tough day and wanted to talk about it. Halfway through her story, he interrupted with a tale about his own “much worse” day. Lila never got to finish her story.

Sound familiar?

A genuine nice person will actively listen, show empathy, and make sure the conversation is a two-way street.

But a “nice guy” narcissist? They often believe their experiences, emotions, or challenges are more important or more intense than anyone else’s.

And they’ll make sure the spotlight remains firmly on them.

3. They Can’t Handle Criticism—No Matter How Small

Nobody loves criticism. But most of us understand it’s a part of life. We take it, learn from it, and move on. Not the “nice guy” narcissist.

Mention something as innocent as them forgetting to put down the toilet seat, and brace yourself for a storm.

They might explode in anger, give you the silent treatment, or come up with a laundry list of times you did something wrong.

It’s exhausting.

Why?

Because their self-image is built like a house of cards: fragile and ready to tumble at the slightest gust of wind.

Being with someone like this is like walking on eggshells. You’re constantly monitoring what you say or do to avoid setting them off.

And here’s the honest truth: that’s not how healthy relationships function.

Real connections thrive on open communication, understanding, and the ability to discuss flaws without the world falling apart.

If you find yourself holding back honest feedback out of fear, it’s a red flag waving right in front of you.

4. They’re Overly Generous… But With Strings Attached

Now, this might sound weird. I mean, generosity is good, right? Usually, yes. But with the “nice guy” narcissist, their acts of kindness often come with a hidden price tag.

Imagine this: they gift you a beautiful, unexpected present. You’re thrilled and touched by the gesture.

Fast forward a few weeks, and you’re in a disagreement. Suddenly, out of nowhere, they bring up the gift, using it as leverage or to make you feel guilty for not siding with them.

It’s counterintuitive because genuine generosity is given from the heart, without expecting anything in return.

But with them, it’s more like a business transaction. They’re investing in you, not out of pure affection, but with the expectation of a future return.

It’s not about making you happy—it’s about having an ace up their sleeve for future manipulations.

Remember, true kindness shouldn’t come with conditions or be used as emotional currency.

5. They Claim to be the “Victim” in All Their Past Relationships

You’re getting to know them, and naturally, past relationships come up in conversation.

But there’s a running theme with all their exes: according to them, they were mistreated, misunderstood, or taken advantage of in every single story.

It’s one thing to have had a bad relationship; many of us have been there.

But if they paint themselves as the perpetual victim in every tale, never acknowledging their own faults or missteps, it’s a warning bell.

In reality, relationships are a two-way street, and it’s rarely just one person’s fault when things go south.

By claiming to be the consistent victim, they’re subtly sending a message: “I’m the good guy, always wronged and never wronging.”

It not only garners sympathy but also conveniently deflects any scrutiny of their own behavior.

While empathy is essential, be cautious if their narrative seems to lack self-awareness or personal accountability.

6. Their Empathy is Conditional

Empathy is the backbone of genuine human connections.

It’s that warm, comforting sensation that someone truly gets you, feels for you, and stands by you during your highs and lows.

But with the “nice guy” narcissist, this essential trait comes with an asterisk.

Ever noticed how they’re super empathetic when it’s public?

Like offering consolation in a group setting, where others can see and praise them for their sensitivity.

But when you’re sobbing in the privacy of your home, needing that shoulder to lean on?

Suddenly, they’re distant, distracted, or even downright dismissive.

Empathy isn’t a switch to be flipped on or off based on an audience.

If someone’s compassion feels more like a performance than a genuine emotion, trust that gut feeling.

You deserve someone who’s there for you, heart and soul, whether there’s an audience or it’s just the two of you in the middle of the night.

7. They Keep Score of Every “Favor”

Remember the times when you’d do something nice for a friend just because?

No strings attached, no hidden motives—just pure, genuine kindness.

With the “nice guy” narcissist, acts of kindness often come with a mental ledger.

You might not even think twice about it initially.

They offer to pick up your groceries when you’re sick or cover your portion of the dinner bill. It feels nice, like they truly care.

But soon enough, you’ll notice these favors are never forgotten.

A few weeks or even months later, they’ll remind you of that “one time” they helped out, expecting you to repay the debt in some form, whether it’s doing a favor in return or simply letting them have their way in a disagreement.

Life isn’t a game, and relationships definitely shouldn’t be score-driven.

If you feel like every act of kindness from them is logged and held over your head for future use, it’s a sign you’re not dealing with genuine generosity, but rather a calculated move to ensure they always have the upper hand.

8. Their Jealousy Isn’t Just About Romance

Jealousy is a complex emotion, and most of us have felt a twinge of it at some point, especially in romantic contexts.

But with the “nice guy” narcissist, jealousy extends beyond the realm of romantic relationships—it infiltrates friendships, work relations, and even family ties.

My friend Clara once excitedly shared news of her promotion at work with her “nice guy” partner.

Instead of being ecstatic for her, he immediately launched into a story about how he was overlooked for a promotion at his job a while back.

It wasn’t just a one-off; he consistently downplayed or overshadowed her achievements, almost as if her successes took something away from him.

Genuine partners or friends celebrate your victories, no matter how big or small, without feeling threatened.

If you notice them becoming inexplicably jealous or competitive over your non-romantic relationships or achievements, it’s a hint that their “support” is conditional and fragile.

True love and friendship mean cheering for each other’s wins, not turning them into covert competitions.

9. They Gaslight You Into Doubting Your Reality

Gaslighting is one of those terms that’s been thrown around a lot lately, but here’s the raw, unfiltered truth about it: it’s insidious, and it’s soul-crushing.

At its core, gaslighting is about manipulating someone into doubting their feelings, memories, or even their sanity.

Let’s say you confront them about a hurtful comment they made. Instead of acknowledging it, they hit back with “I never said that,” or “You’re too sensitive,” or even “You always twist my words.”

Slowly, you start to question your memory. Were you overreacting? Did it even happen? The self-doubt begins to creep in.

The real, painful damage of gaslighting is not just the immediate confusion or conflict, but the long-term erosion of your self-trust.

Over time, you start to distrust your feelings, your memories, your very perception of reality.

You’re constantly second-guessing yourself, feeling lost in a maze of their making.

Here’s the thing: in a healthy relationship, disagreements happen, but there’s a mutual respect for each person’s feelings and perspective.

If you find yourself constantly doubting your memories or emotions because of their words or actions, it’s a stark sign of manipulation.

And you deserve so much better than a reality where your feelings and experiences are constantly invalidated.

10. They Isolate You from Your Support System

Building relationships means integrating with each other’s lives and sometimes forming bonds with your partner’s friends and family.

But when it comes to the “nice guy” narcissist, there’s a more sinister motive behind their interest in your social circle.

Gradually, they might begin dropping subtle hints or making overt statements about certain friends or family members not being “good for you” or not “liking them enough.”

They’ll craft scenarios where you find yourself choosing between spending time with them or your loved ones, until you start drifting from your regular support system.

Their goal? To become the central figure in your life, the primary source of validation and emotional support.

By alienating you from the people who care about you, they’re ensuring two things: one, that there’s minimal external influence that can “interfere” (or call out their behavior), and two, that you become more emotionally dependent on them.

True love and genuine relationships are about integration and mutual respect, not isolation and control.

If you find your world shrinking and centering exclusively around one person, it’s crucial to take a step back and evaluate the nature of the bond.

Everyone deserves a relationship that broadens their world, not one that confines it.

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Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the editor of Ideapod and founder of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 6 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you to want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

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