We all engage in conversation, but sometimes, the words we use carry a weight heavier than we realize.
You might look back on your interactions and struggle to pinpoint why certain comments left you feeling unsettled, or question if the phrases you use are actually as harmless as they seem.
So, how do you recognize when what you’re saying is subtly steeped in judgment or when the words thrown your way are tinted with hidden criticism?
If you’re interested in knowing, I’m delighted to tell you that you’re in the right place!
Below, I’ve compiled a list of 10 seemingly innocent phrases that are actually loaded with judgment.
Let’s get started, shall we?
1) “You’re too sensitive”
We’ve all heard this phrase at some point, usually after sharing our feelings about a particular situation. More often than not, it’s casually tossed into conversation as an innocent observation.
However, when you dig a little deeper, you might realize that this seemingly simple phrase is actually packed with judgment.
Labeling someone as “too sensitive” invalidates their feelings and experiences, suggesting that their reaction is an overreaction, rather than a valid response to their environment or circumstances. It subtly implies that the problem lies within them, rather than in the situation they’re responding to.
Instead of dismissing someone’s emotions, a more empathetic approach would be to acknowledge their feelings and validate their experience.
2) “You always…” or “You never…”
At first glance, these phrases may seem like straightforward observations. In reality, they are often laced with judgment and can quickly escalate a conversation into a heated argument.
The words “always” and “never” are absolute terms, suggesting a fixed pattern of behavior that’s unchangeable. This can make the person on the receiving end feel cornered and defensive, as it feels like an attack on their character rather than a critique of specific behavior.
But we need to remember that people are capable of change, and their past actions do not necessarily dictate their future behavior.
Instead of resorting to absolutes, try to address the specific behavior that has upset you without generalizing it as a character trait. This opens up space for constructive conversation and growth rather than fostering resentment and defensiveness.
3) “If I were you…”
I remember using this phrase with a friend who was struggling with a career decision. I said, “If I were you, I’d take the job offer”.
It wasn’t until later that I realized just how judgmental that sounded.
My friend was navigating a complex situation with many variables I wasn’t aware of, and yet, there I was casually implying that I knew better.
Instead of assuming we know best, it’s more helpful to ask open-ended questions and show support. We can share advice based on our experiences without dictating what the other person should do.
4) “I’m not racist, but…”
This phrase is a classic example of a seemingly innocent statement that is actually steeped in judgment. It is often used as a disclaimer before making a statement that is, in fact, racially insensitive or outright racist.
The use of the phrase “I’m not racist, but…” has been so widely criticized that it’s even been the subject of academic research. This study found that when people preface their statements with disclaimers like “I’m not racist, but…”, they’re more likely to express prejudiced views.
This phrase attempts to preemptively absolve the speaker of any accusations of racism.
So what to do instead of using such disclaimers? Simply focus on addressing our unconscious biases and strive to remove harmful stereotypes from our language altogether.
5) “It’s just a joke”
I recall a time when I used this phrase, completely oblivious to its hidden judgment.
It was at a gathering with friends when I made a light-hearted comment about someone’s fashion sense. When they didn’t laugh along, I quickly said, “It’s just a joke.”
What seemed like a harmless jest to me was actually perceived as hurtful by my friend. By saying “it’s just a joke”, I was dismissing their feelings and invalidating their response.
In hindsight, I understand that humor can be subjective and what may be funny to one person may not be to another. Using the phrase “it’s just a joke” can unintentionally belittle the other person’s feelings and comes off as insensitive.
Nowadays, I am more careful with my humor and if someone seems hurt by a comment, I apologize instead of defending it as ‘just a joke’.
This experience taught me the importance of being mindful of how our words can impact others, even when our intentions might be entirely innocent.
6) “No offense, but…”
People who use this phrase often use it as a shield before saying something potentially offensive. It might seem like a polite way to share a critical observation, but it’s actually just a way to avoid taking responsibility for the impact of our words.
When we say “No offense, but…”, we’re essentially telling someone that we’re about to say something offensive, but we don’t want to be held accountable for it.
Much like “I’m not racist, but…”, it’s a phrase that allows us to deliver a harsh comment while trying to sidestep the consequences.
A better approach would be to think carefully about whether our comment is necessary and helpful, and if it is, find a respectful and considerate way to express it.
7) “Just saying”
“Just saying” is another phrase that allows us to distance ourselves from the potential impact of our words. It’s typically used after making a negative or critical statement, as if to soften the blow.
But rather than cushioning the impact, “just saying” often amplifies it. It suggests that we know our comment might be hurtful or controversial, but we’ve chosen to say it anyway.
Instead of hiding behind “just saying”, we should stand by our words and be prepared to engage in a constructive dialogue about them.
8) “Don’t take this the wrong way”
This phrase might seem like a considerate preamble to a potentially sensitive comment, but it’s actually quite presumptuous. It assumes that there’s a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way for the listener to interpret our words.
Saying “Don’t take this the wrong way” can come off as dismissive, suggesting that if the listener is upset by our comment, it’s because they’ve misunderstood us, not because our comment was inappropriate or hurtful.
A more empathetic approach would be to express our thoughts in a respectful manner without assuming how the other person should react.
9) “You look tired”
Telling someone they look tired might seem like an innocent observation at first glance, but it’s honestly nothing but a polite way of saying “You look bad”. It can make the person on the receiving end feel self-conscious and judged on their appearance.
Instead of commenting on someone’s appearance, especially in a negative way, it’s better to express concern for their wellbeing. Ask them how they’re doing or if they’re feeling okay, instead of making an unsolicited comment about their looks.
10) “Calm down”
While this phrase is usually meant to defuse a tense situation, it often does the opposite. Telling someone to “calm down” can be interpreted as dismissing their feelings and can escalate rather than alleviate tension.
It’s better to validate their feelings and show understanding. Phrases like “I see where you’re coming from” or “I understand why you’re upset” can be more effective in calming a heated situation.
As people, it’s unavoidable for us to say the wrong things sometimes. This means we can say words that don’t align with our intentions. But while it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s just as important to be extra mindful of how our words affect others.
So be careful with what you say and how you say it. Some phrases might seem innocent, but they can actually be harmful, as we have discussed.
The key is to always practice kindness–should you find yourself saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, never hesitate to apologize.