Rachel Sussman is a relationship expert based out of New York City. She’s been helping couples navigate relationships for years, and throughout her experiences, she has found that there are commonalities amongst couples when it comes to struggles in the bedroom.
Some of these findings might come as a surprise to you, while others might be things you have experienced yourself.
Sussman says that as relationships become more commonplace, partners tend to fall into patterns and routines that can make the other feel less desired, alone, or even have them out looking for love in other places.
These are the five most common problems couples have in bed, according to Sussman.
1) Sex Drives Don’t Align
Sex is perfectly normal, and although lots of people are having sex, many couples aren’t having as much sex as one partner might have hoped.
This is due to a number of factors including misaligned sex drives.
Women and men often have different needs and desires when it comes to sex, and it can be hard to get them to match up.
In the beginning, when relationships are “hot and heavy,” it’s easy to want to hop into bed for a quicky, but as time goes on and people become bogged down with life’s responsibilities the first thing to go from the relationship is sex.
While one partner might still want to engage in sex, the other is tired or frazzled from the day’s events.
2) Sex Isn’t on the Table
For some couples, especially couples that have been together for a number of years, sex might be non-existent.
It can be hard to pinpoint the last time a couple had sex, especially if sex drives aren’t lining up.
It can be difficult for couples to talk about it too, which makes it all the more difficult to solve the problem.
Sometimes people in a relationship feel like they are strangers and if they don’t work on their sex life, it might never return to the relationship.
One of the most important steps to regaining an active sex life is to try to determine when things changed for one or both partners.
3) The Passion Has Dwindled
As with most couples, life gets in the way of date night. Kids don’t sleep in their own beds. Work has people run ragged.
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And on top of all of this, we are supposed to keep the romance alive in a relationship?
No wonder marriages are failing on a regular basis. Who has time for all of these things and a sex life?
Sussman says that it’s important for couples to take time for themselves, no matter how busy they are.
If their relationship is important to them, they need to make time for it. Make a point of talking about anything but the kids.
For couples with young children, the kids tend to be the glue that binds them – at least for this stage of their lives.
The couple no longer recognizes each other as sexy, but as tired, overworked parents.
Getting away from kids, or other things that take up a lot of your attention on a regular basis is important to maintaining a passionate and connected relationship.
4) Fantasies Aren’t A Thing
For some couples, fantasies play a vital role in their sex lives. Because sex is the most intimate act there can be between two people, the pressure is on to keep the love alive and keep things in the bedroom interesting.
Sussman says that supporting one another’s fantasies can help keep the relationship alive, especially if two people are looking to escape the day-to-day of their lives.
The bedroom can be the perfect place to do that. Just like misaligned sex drives, fantasies can be difficult to line up, so it’s important to take turns or set boundaries for each partner so that both people enjoy themselves.
5) They Aren’t Sure About Open Relationships
While you might think that open relationships could add a layer of complication to an already strained relationship, it is the ideal solution for some couples who want to determine if their current relationship is right for them.
Usually, both partners are open to having an “open” relationship or at least exploring other options, but they don’t know how to navigate that option in a way that keeps them from getting hurt or hurting each other.
Whether couples want to have multiple partners or they want to share partners, the most difficult part is often starting the conversation.
Sussman helps people to bridge the conversation gap in a safe and non-judgemental place.