Does your charming date seem more into themselves than you?
Or are you trying to determine if your new boss is a control freak or a cunning manipulator?
Trying to spot a narcissist can feel like trying to solve a puzzle without all the pieces – frustrating.
People can come across as mean for many different reasons, and someone can have narcissistic traits without having narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
However….
According to psychologists who specialize in narcissism, there are certain things that only highly narcissistic people say.
Here are 10 telltale phrases that scream, “I’m a narcissist!”
1) “I don’t want to make this about me, but…”
According to Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist who studies narcissism, this is one of the most common phrases used by narcissists.
Highly narcissistic people often preface their statements with this: “I don’t want to make this about me, but…”
Why?
A high sense of entitlement and self-importance are two key traits that psychologists associate with narcissism.
As Ramani says, narcissists use this phrase because they know they shouldn’t dominate the conversation, yet they do it anyway because they can’t help it.
So, by prefacing their statements with “I don’t want to make this about me,” they are faking humility while subtly redirecting the conversation back to themselves.
This serves as a manipulative tactic to maintain focus on their own experiences and desires while trying to pretend that they care about others.
2) “Why are you doing this to me?”
Another common manipulative tactic of narcissists is playing the victim.
This is because narcissists are unable to take responsibility for their actions. Thus, no matter how bad their behavior has been, they will find a way to paint themselves as victims.
When a narcissist uses this tactic, a common phrase they will say is, “Why are you doing this to me?”
This phrase implies that they are being unfairly targeted or persecuted, regardless of their behavior or contributions to the situation.
So, although they are the ones in the wrong, they try to make you believe it’s your fault by gaslighting you.
Moreover, as Ramani Durvasula explains, narcissists will also use this phrase whenever something you’re doing inconveniences them.
For example…
Say you’re sick with the flu and unable to cook dinner. Although you’re the victim, a narcissistic partner will only see the inconvenience for them (having to make their own dinner).
So, despite how bad you are feeling, they will frame it as their problem while making it clear that you’re the one causing it.
3) “This is your fault!”
Here is another phrase a narcissist may use if they want to deflect blame onto you.
By saying, “This is your fault” or “You brought this on yourself, ” they directly blame you for their wrong actions.
Narcissists typically use this phrase when they feel shame in what they did, for example, lying, betraying, or cheating on you.
According to life coach Kamini Wood, narcissists have fragile egos and a lot of repressed shame.
So, if they do something that triggers shame, they feel extremely uncomfortable, though they likely won’t acknowledge the emotion as shame.
Regardless, they resort to various defense mechanisms such as projection, rationalization, or blame-shifting to relieve themselves of the uncomfortable feeling.
Often, they will follow “This is your fault!” up with something like “I wouldn’t have done it if you did/didn’t do…” further cementing the idea that you are responsible for their actions.
But remember, the only person that can be responsible for someone’s actions is themselves.
4) “You’re the only one I have this problem with”
According to psychologists, narcissists often try to control or manipulate their victims by using a third party.
This tactic, known as Triangulation, is highly effective as it threatens exclusion and isolation.
For example, perhaps you’re arguing with your narcissistic boss, and he says, “You’re the only one I have this problem with.”
This phrase is intended to make you feel like you’re the one at fault or that your feelings are wrong because no one else feels that way.
Most people will automatically believe this phrase when a narcissist uses it, but it’s important to remember that it is not true.
Even if they say, “I asked so and so, and they agreed with me, not you”, this is likely also a lie.
Narcissists are known to minimize their shortcomings by attributing interpersonal conflicts to the perceived flaws of others.
By singling out individuals and framing them as the sole source of conflict, they free themselves of responsibility and maintain their superiority.
Here’s another phrase you might hear a narcissist say when they are trying to deflect blame…
5) “You’re the angry one”
Narcissists often employ gaslighting techniques to manipulate others’ perceptions and undermine their credibility.
One way they do so is by accusing their victim of doing the thing that they are guilty of.
For example, you might bring up the narcissist’s anger outbursts for them to immediately deflect their behavior onto you, saying, “You’re the angry one.”
This phrase invalidates your emotions and experiences and falsely portrays you as irrational or overly emotional while positioning the narcissist as calm and rational.
Here’s a different tactic that a narcissist might use to validate their harmful behavior while invalidating your emotions…
6) “Stop taking things to heart”
Narcissists will often dismiss the emotions and concerns of others, as doing so allows them to portray themselves as overly sensitive or irrational.
They will use gaslighting phrases like “Stop taking things to heart” or “You’re always so sensitive.”
By claiming you are overreacting, they deflect attention away from their behavior or actions.
However, they also invalidate your emotional responses in the process.
This can make you doubt your reactions and feelings and, thus, cause you to suppress your emotions in the future.
Here’s another prevalent gaslighting phrase…
7) “What are you talking about? I never said that”
According to psychologists like Olivia Guy-Evans, narcissists deny that they did or said something to make you question your perceptions, memory, and sanity.
For example…
Let’s say a narcissist promised to meet you or go somewhere with you, but they didn’t show up.
When you later bring this up and say, “Why didn’t you come? You promised,” they will deny it outright, saying something like, “What are you talking about? I never said that.”
They might then twist the truth and claim that they said something different.
This tactic not only excuses their poor behavior and actions but also erodes your trust in your own judgment.
The more you doubt yourself, the more likely you are to put your trust in the narcissist, which is why gaslighting is an effective tactic for narcissists to gain control over their victims.
And if they want to wear you down further, they will use the following phrase…
8) “You’re crazy/paranoid”
According to Dr. Cortney S. Warren, narcissists may label you as “crazy” or “paranoid” to make you doubt your sanity and undermine your perception of reality.
The agenda is to portray you as mentally unstable or irrational while positioning themself as the voice of reason and sanity.
However, as Cortney explains, it is a type of psychological manipulation used to create a power imbalance in the relationship.
When a narcissist uses derogatory language like this, there is only one reason – they are trying to control and dominate you.
9) “I’m sorry you feel that way”
Because narcissists cannot admit when they are at fault, their apologies often sound as weak as this.
While they want it to appear like they’re apologizing, they are actually deflecting blame yet again.
By saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” they imply that your feelings are your issues, not theirs.
This shows they see none of their own wrongdoing, so they refuse to take responsibility.
It’s important to remember that narcissists typically don’t feel any genuine remorse.
Instead, as psychologist Dr. Harold Hong explains…
“When a narcissist feels guilt, it’s usually a result of what their mistake might have cost them rather than genuinely feeling bad about hurting someone else.”
10) “I’m too good for this/you”
As mentioned, narcissists possess superiority and entitlement traits, and they like to assert their self-importance frequently.
However, while they appear highly confident, they have what psychologists call ‘fragile self-esteem.’
This means that sometimes their esteem is high, while at other times, it is low. When it’s the latter, they will resort to belittling others to bolster their ego.
In other words, tearing down other people’s self-esteem increases their own.
In a romantic relationship, a narcissist might tell their partner, “I’m too good for you,” to position themselves as the superior partner.
This strategy aims to guilt-trip you and make you feel dependent on them.
If you start to believe that they are too good for you, you are more likely to do what they tell you as you feel you need to earn respect and equality in a relationship.
Final thoughts
It’s not always easy to know the intentions and underlying motivations of someone’s behavior.
But thanks to psychological research on narcissism, we can learn the recurring phrases and patterns that manipulative individuals use.
So, if there is someone in your life using these phrases on you, there is a good chance that you have a narcissist on your hands!
