People who struggle with self-love often have these 9 personality traits

Loving yourself isn’t easy because it requires you to see how you’ve not loved yourself.

And sometimes, it takes a series of divine interventions to finally face all of it.

Maybe this is one of them!

Here are 9 personality traits of people who struggle with self-love.

1) They are self-destructive

This can show up in many different ways.

The obvious signs of a self-destructive person is someone who treats themselves as an object. More specifically an object they don’t like.

They could harm themselves physically or in intangible ways like spiritually, mentally or emotionally.

Which can happen through chronic self neglect or abandonment. Everything we’re going to talk about is a form of self-destruction so keep that in mind as we go down the list.

2) They are emotionally disconnected

A lot of the time, people who struggle with self-love don’t realize that they struggle with it. 

It could be because they were born into a family that couldn’t model what it means to value oneself.

And we can’t put it all on the people who raised us. The truth is that the message of self-abandonment is prevalent in the media and can be portrayed by anyone.

Because when people feel disconnected from themselves, they seek others who feel that way too.

This way, they don’t have to confront the pain. Which is how companionship can become profitable and convoluted.

They may also avoid talking about negative experiences or diminish the effects it had on them.

People who struggle with this were most likely taught that emotions were something to be ashamed of. Or they may have faced experiences where people constantly invalidated them.

3) They lack accountability

Accountability isn’t just admitting your shortcomings. 

It’s being honest with yourself to get to the bottom of it. And changing in order to become a better person for yourself and others.

It also requires you to be honest about your environment, which can bring about external change. Which means even more grief!

Sometimes, people romanticize being a doormat because they don’t believe that they deserve better. Or worse, they don’t think it’s possible.

And unfortunately, a way this can manifest is in the way they project it onto others. 

Especially if you are a part of a community that has a taste for misery, it can be hard to break out of it. Because the people around you might try to tell you that it’s not possible to get better.

And perhaps the hardest but the first sign that you’re getting better is when you stop listening to them.

4) They are stuck in cycles of negativity and conflict

unfulfilling life People who struggle with self-love often have these 9 personality traits

When you continue to listen to the negativity around you, you will be more attracted to excuses over solutions.

Because excuses distract, while solutions create change. And that’s one step closer to having to face yourself.

Other ways people avoid facing themselves is by overcomplicating their lives with other people’s drama. This way, they can feel like they’re getting better without doing the work on themselves.

But people who genuinely love themselves believe that they can do better. They understand that there is more to life than what they’ve experienced or can see.

So they see their negative circumstances as explanations instead of excuses. And when you admit your mistakes, you’re actually admitting that you’re capable of doing better.

Getting out of these cycles isn’t easy and it’s usually where people choose pain over love. Because pain is what’s familiar. 

If you feel yourself resisting change, just know you’re on the right path. You wouldn’t have recognized what you could do better if you weren’t meant to overcome it.

And besides, it’s a practice that gets easier as you do more and more of it. So struggle now and you can thank yourself later.

5) They are surrounded by bad influences

Now let’s dive deeper into how your relationships can be a reflection of your inner world. 

We mentioned earlier how people who lack self-love can project their feelings of inadequacies onto others. But you don’t need to harm others to signify your lack of self-love.

People who lack self-love are often the victims of other people who lack self-love.

Even if you treat others with care, if you find yourself surrounded by people who don’t reciprocate, that’s a huge sign that you lack care for yourself.

It’s a sign that you choose your partners carelessly and get attached easily to mediocrity. 

Let’s unpack this!

You could be having an addictive response to people that abandon you then come back – which mimics the sensation of being “chosen.” 

Which you crave because you don’t choose yourself.

It’s crucial to take charge of your physical health and nervous system in order to rewire how you experience pleasure.

But you also need to repair your perception of love! And learn how to identify codependent habits and self-sabotage.

If you need a place to start, I recommend Rudá Iandê’s relationship masterclass. There’s a free video that you can watch that covers the 3 factors of a healthy relationship.

While the highs and lows of an unhealthy dynamic can feel satisfying, you deserve to realize that those lows aren’t necessary for those highs.

6) They repeat patterns of people pleasing

We touched on this briefly, but it deserves its own section.

People pleasing happens when the happiness of others brings you more fulfillment than your own happiness.

Someone that lacks self-love will prioritize everyone over themselves. And it’s usually because they feel guilt whenever they choose themselves.

This can be straightforward where you won’t treat yourself to anything special but have no problems treating others.

Like taking on more workload than you should because you value being a good employee over rest.

But it can also be something that happens intangibly. 

Encompassing everything we talked about, you can people please in a way where you crouch down to someone else’s level. 

So that you can help them feel understood, even if you don’t agree with them.

Or you might deny certain parts of your identity in order to fit someone else’s idea of you.

7) They aren’t authentic

When you lack self-love, you lack access to your true self.

People who are out of touch with their souls are usually surrounded by people who have unrealistic expectations of them.

It could be parents that want you to pursue stability over everything. So they expect you to go to school for something that you don’t feel passionate about.

Or it could be a partner who is in love with an idea of you. So they restrict you from existing outside of their fantasies.

Simply put, when you lack a sense of self, you’re waiting to be told what to do by everyone but yourself.

Which can cause you to stay stagnant in your life because your fate is no longer in your hands, but everyone else’s.

8) They are easily influenced

unfulfilling life 1 People who struggle with self-love often have these 9 personality traits

It’s natural to experiment with life and obtain various experiences. Being adaptable doesn’t mean you’re easily influenced.

But it can become unhealthy if you allow fear to dictate your decisions instead of inspiration.

People who love themselves get to know themselves. That includes asking questions like: 

  • What are my values? 
  • Who am I when I’m alone? 
  • How can I prioritize these things?

When you don’t have these foundations in place, it can cause you to not recognize people who aren’t good for you. Beyond healthy and unhealthy, I’m talking about compatibility.

It can cause you to become complacent and think yourself incapable. 

Which invites into your life people who think that you need to be saved.

9) They have unrealistic expectations

The idea of wanting to be saved comes from wanting to save everyone but yourself.

But in healthy dynamics, you’re not supposed to save each other. You’re supposed to treat each other with respect. 

That means not perceiving the other person as incapacitated.

So someone who struggles to love themselves might expect a lot from the other person, but not put in the same amount of effort.

Or it could go the other way where it involves 2 people who place unrealistic expectations of themselves and each other. 

Which not only sounds exhausting, but ironically leaves everyone feeling depleted despite all the efforts to go above and beyond.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with giving a lot to someone you love. 

But if you are overgiving from a place that is rooted in fear of loss, you’ll only affirm the idea that you aren’t deserving of peaceful love.

The only way you will experience and understand love, is by showing it to yourself first

Because love is beyond the surface. It’s felt and permeates throughout your life expansively.

But the reason why you need to love yourself first isn’t solely because it will help you experience better relationships.

It’s also because everyone loves differently and it’s not a one-size-fits-all situation.

So when you decide to love yourself, you’re opening yourself to a reality where your happiness isn’t defined by anyone else.

And there’s no love like knowing who you are.

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Tina Fey

Tina Fey

I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. I'm writing for Ideapod to try and find it again. Hope you enjoy the journey with me.

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