Have you noticed recently that nothing exciting is going on in your marriage?
The sparks have been gone for some time, but now it feels like you could snooze off at any moment and it wouldn’t change a thing about what you’re doing together.
It’s a common problem, but it’s a solvable one.
Here are 24 reasons why you think your wife is boring and what you can do about it.
1) You don’t know each other’s love languages
The concept of the five love languages has been popularized as a common way of describing how someone wants to love or wants to be loved.
The five are:
- Words of affirmation
- Physical touch
- Quality time
- Receiving gifts
- Acts of service
While it’s a common concept by now, the author Gary Chapman says that the goal isn’t to find how you most conveniently express love but how to make your partner feel loved. The point is learning how to love your partner better so that you can act according to that love language.
If their love language is receiving gifts, you get them anything that reminds you of them. If it’s words of affirmation, you constantly reassure them of your love for them.
You might be wondering how this factors into your wife being boring.
The point is that one of the reasons why you think your wife is boring could be that she doesn’t know your love language (and maybe you don’t know hers).
How can she stimulate you if she doesn’t know how you want to be loved?
Explicitly talk about your love languages so you can get on the same page about how to make each other feel loved.
2) She’s on her phone too much
Smartphones are amazing inventions. They can do so much now that no one could even dream of them doing 30 years ago. They connect you to people, give you access to entertainment like Netflix and Youtube, and so on — but there’s a drawback.
It can get addicting, right?
If you’ve noticed that your wife spends more time tapping away on her phone than talking to you, it might be why you’re bored.
She could be on the phone all the time for several reasons. Maybe she’s a workaholic glued to her emails or she’s avoiding a problem she has by diving into a movie marathon.
No matter what it is, it doesn’t change the fact that when you spend time with another person, constantly being on your phone is disrespectful.
To solve this, you can set specific no-gadgets times daily or weekly.
You can use this sweet relief from the (sometimes toxic) world of social media to spend more quality time with each other and actually talk instead of just respectively being on your phones in the same room with the TV on.
3) You’ve stopped spending quality time together
Comfortable silence is nice but it’s not enough to keep you from getting bored.
Co-existing isn’t enough to sustain you.
You can get so busy that it’s easy to take your relationship for granted. The two of you are comfortable; isn’t that enough?
Quality time is an important ingredient in the relationship cake and the cake is going to fall flat if you forget about it entirely.
Be intentional about setting aside time for each other. Not only will it be good for your relationship but it’s also good for your well-being to take a break from the hectic demands of everyday life.
One way you can do this is to establish a day of the week for date night and stick to that date no matter what. It’s important to remember that this should be a promise you make each other for the good of your relationship.
While it can be unavoidable to miss it sometimes because of work or something else, the whole point is that you’re working the rest of the time and this should be an untouchable night for the two of you.
4) She doesn’t want to stray from routine
If you do set a specific day for date night, it can be frustrating if she never wants to do anything fun for those precious few hours.
You feel like you don’t do anything fun together and you go to the same favorite places every time — and nothing can get more boring than not straying from routine.
If you feel like hiking or going to the park, tell her that.
She won’t know that it bothers you until you’ve told her but also keep from forcing activities onto her if she doesn’t want to do those specific ones.
Instead, encourage something new that both of you are interested in. Maybe you could take a class together, something scheduled that makes it a regular thing.
You could pick up a new hobby together. Just try something new and do your best to coax her out of her comfort zone.
5) She doesn’t have her own life
If she doesn’t have her own life, it can get boring really quickly.
The truth is that when you get married, you tend to stop working on yourself individually and start focusing on growing as a couple.
You know how, after a breakup, we always say we’re going to take the time to work on ourselves again? That’s because there’s an unspoken notion that we don’t focus on that during the relationship.
Your marriage is no exception.
Neither of you should have stopped finding yourselves just because you got married; learning about yourself is a lifelong journey that doesn’t end when you start learning about another person.
She might be boring because she stopped exploring who she is, so she has no experiences of her own to talk about anymore.
What you can do about it is encourage her to engage in new projects and leave her comfort zone.
Maybe she could also spend more time with her friends, whether that means making new ones or reaching out to old ones.
Have an open conversation about it in a way that doesn’t make it look like you’re evicting her from your couch.
6) She spends all her time with her friends
Maybe it’s the other way around and you’re bored because you’re feeling neglected.
Something important to remember is that she could get bored with you, so she spends her time with other people. She’s so busy with her friends that you can’t do anything anymore.
You feel like you never see her anymore because every time you get home, she goes out the door like it’s a revolving one.
You shouldn’t stop seeing friends but there has to be a balance between time spent with friends and time spent with your partner.
Open up to her about wanting more time with her to work on your relationship; if you do get that time together, make sure you make it count.
7) You’re spending all your time together
Again, it could be the other way around and you’re spending all of your time together.
It might seem contradictory at first; if you’re bored with each other, shouldn’t you spend more time together (like tip #3 that we just talked about)?
Yes, quality time with each other is important but so is quality time apart.
Certified counselor Jonathan Bennett says that when you spend the majority of your time with one person, it’s easy to get tired of being with them and that if you take some time apart, you’ll appreciate the time that you do spend together even more.
Doing this not only gives you much more to talk about. It also encourages personal growth so that you don’t end as a person where you begin as a couple.
8) You’re not having enough (good) sex
There are signs that you enjoy having sex with your wife — and if they’re always missing in action, something’s wrong.
One reason you feel that your wife is boring is realizing that your sex life is either non-existent or something you could fall asleep doing.
The passion you felt for each other at the start of your relationship is bound to wear off over time because you get comfortable with each other and your relationship as friends gets important too to keep the marriage together.
And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just that you have to keep your sex life alive somehow too.
Research has shown that sex doesn’t just make you feel good but it also makes for a stronger connection with your partner.
If you’re feeling bored in the bedroom, try to get her to experiment with you or have sex more often.
9) She’s only focused on the kids and not your relationship
A study has found that 92% of couples had a gradual increase in conflict after having their baby.
Although you and your wife might not be having outright conflict, the children might be overshadowing your relationship nonetheless.
Of course, that never means your kids are the problem. It just means that you have to work on balancing your life as a couple with your life as a parent.
If you’re noticing that she’s spending 101% of her time with the kids, try lifting some of the load off of her to give her more time to spend with you.
Pick them up from school or be the one in charge of putting them to sleep.
I’m sure your wife wants rest too and wants to avoid boredom in your relationship as much as you do.
10) Or you have empty nest syndrome
Things can get boring at home if you find yourself with nothing to do anymore now that your children have gone.
Check in with your wife; she might be feeling depressed and empty, which is why she doesn’t seem as fun as before.
While that’s common for empty nest syndrome, research has also shown that parents feel a greater sense of freedom after kids leave the house. That’s because there’s more time to be people now instead of just parents.
To keep your wife focused on something else, have more shared goals as a couple. Now that your responsibilities as parents have lessened, you have time to work towards something new.
Work on a new project together, get better at a hobby, start a small business — there are countless ways to keep busy with your newfound freedom and you might find that your wife gets more interesting as the two of you have something to work for towards together.
Catch up on all of the things that you missed doing. An empty nest can be a good thing for your relationship if you let it be.
11) She’s only focused on work
It’s not a bad thing to have drive and ambition, but as with all things, there needs to be a healthy balance. In this case, she needs to balance being a working woman and being your wife because she has responsibility for both roles.
If she comes home tired and not in the mood to do anything fun because of a long workday or if, when she does get home, she heads straight to her desk to continue working, it might be why you’re feeling bored.
If this is you, talk to her about how you feel.
Be careful not to guilt-trip her because this isn’t necessarily her fault. Just open up about it and see if anything can be done.
See if you can be of any help, too. Maybe you could lessen the things she needs to do at home so that when she does get home, she has more time to spend with you.
12) Or she has no ambition
You could also be thinking that your wife is boring because it’s like she has no ambition, no drive to do and be better.
It can get frustrating because it feels like she has no goals and she isn’t working to improve herself, especially if you have goals.
Try encouraging her to find something she’s passionate about, like her career or her self-growth.
With this, it might not be something that you can change because it might just be who she is.
You can’t force her to be a different person just because you’re bored. Instead, talk to her about how you’re feeling and see if it’s something you can let go of.
13) She doesn’t want to do any of the things you suggest doing
You could be trying your best to involve her in fun activities, but that’s the thing.
You shouldn’t be involving her in any of your activities; you should be asking her what activities the two of you could do together.
Maybe it’s just a matter of asking what she wants to do and finding a compromise because it can’t always be you who decides what you do.
If she continuously shoots down your suggestions, maybe she’s just plain not interested.
In that case, do your best to find that compromise, something you can both do that you’re both equally interested in. You might find that she’s more interesting than you give her credit for once she starts doing something she actually likes.
14) She’s too busy with the house
Like I said, one reason why you think your wife is boring is that she’s too busy on other things to focus on your relationship.
She could come to bed exhausted because of all she had to do, leaving no time for you.
If one of these things is running the house, you could give her more time to spend with you by helping out more and freeing up her time.
If you have kids, get them to help with chores (which also helps teach them discipline and independence). You might find that your wife isn’t boring at all, just tired and busy.
Use the time you’ve freed up for her to do something fun together.
15) She never takes an interest in your hobbies
If she’s not even trying to spend time doing things you like, it could be as if she’s not the one listening to you. It’s as if she isn’t making the effort to listen to you and find things in common anymore and she just does her own thing.
If this is how it is now, try inviting her to watch basketball games with you or go hiking.
If she doesn’t want to try at all, talk to her openly about how much it means to you for her to just try. But go easy on her too.
Don’t take her mountain biking if you know that she can’t take it; always keep in mind that she’s doing this for you and you shouldn’t push her too hard.
16) You’re not really listening to her
Your wife might actually be interesting if you pay more attention to her.
If you’re only looking for things that are interesting to you like if she takes an interest in your hobbies, you might feel bored forever because she doesn’t fit into your world.
Are you listening to what she’s interested in? Are you being the boring one by not exploring her hobbies more?
Maybe she’s been taking a class recently or she’s been watching movie after movie from her favorite genre.
You might not know how interesting your wife is if you don’t make the effort to pay attention to her when she speaks and understand what’s interesting to her.
Ask her about her interests and watch her light up for the chance to talk about them.
17) You don’t know who she is anymore
Cassandra LeClair, Ph.D., says that people want to be “seen and valued” and that when we get stuck in our routines together, we can fail to notice partners for who they are as individuals.
If you feel like your wife is boring, maybe it’s because you don’t know enough about her.
That can sound crazy because you’re married; shouldn’t you know each other like the back of your hand at this point?
Truthfully, that’s kind of impossible.
To know absolutely everything there is to know about a person takes time — and especially if your marriage is new — you might still have a lot to learn about her.
Get to know who your wife is now.
Ask her questions that aren’t “have you picked up the kids yet?” or “what do you want for dinner?”.
To make things easier for you, there’s even a list of questions that make you fall in love (or in this case, back in love) called the 36 questions.
Use these questions to make sure that you don’t just talk; you share.
18) You think boredom is the end
You have to acknowledge that boredom is natural in any relationship.
Things don’t always have to be exciting because that just isn’t realistic given how long-term relationships are bound to get more comfortable than passionate over time.
This happens because you might not have a lot to talk about anymore because of how much you see each other or you think you know everything about each other now.
It’s common for couples to get bored long-term but what’s important is that you talk to each other to touch base and manage expectations.
You can’t fix this problem if it’s only you that knows about it.
Who knows? Your wife might even be feeling the same as you are and it’s just that no one’s saying anything to initiate the conversation.
19) You’re not giving her room to change
In relationships, each partner is in constant transformation.
That’s just how it is; we all change and grow over time as we learn new things about ourselves and the world around us.
Change is good for personal development because it’s how you find who you’re meant to be.
If you’re still expecting her to be the same exact person you fell in love with, you might be keeping her from changing and reaching her full potential as a person.
If you’re bored, she might be interesting but not in the way that you expect her to be — in the way that she was at the start of your relationship.
She may be a different kind of interesting now with new hobbies and interests that you might not know about.
You have to accept that your wife is changing, and that, if you love her, you’ll promise to love every version of her.
20) Your expectations for her don’t match who she is
You also have to understand that your wife isn’t always going to make you happy.
There will be rough patches and there will be boring patches and you — as her husband who committed to this relationship — have to accept that.
Relationship coach Lauren Handel Zander says that you shouldn’t mold your partner to the image of them that you have in your head, so stop fawning after the imaginary version of your wife and look right in front of you to see the real woman you married.
It’s pointless to hold her to unrealistic expectations, because are you perfect?
Do you live up to her expectations?
Accept your wife for who she is — not the made-up version of her in your head.
21) She’s not making you feel like a hero
Men have an instinct to protect the people they care about called the hero instinct. It’s described as a biological need to be the hero and take care of people — especially your significant other.
Maybe you think your wife is boring because she isn’t showing that she needs any care or help.
If that’s how you feel, encourage her to ask for help if she needs it because that’s what a relationship calls for — support when the other person needs it.
22) She stopped making an effort
Relationships take work, and in longer ones, you can get lazy and complacent.
You might be feeling like you’re in a one-sided relationship at some point because you’re the only one continuously investing in the relationship.
You might be doing all the work, and it’s worse than thinking your wife is boring; you might even be harboring some resentment for it.
Talk to her about this and let her know that you’re feeling this way. Again, she can’t solve a problem she doesn’t know about.
Let her know that you’re willing to put effort into your marriage if she’ll do the same.
23) She always agrees with everything you say
If you never have arguments, that might be why you find her boring.
Conflict and arguments are usually seen as something unhealthy and something to avoid at all costs. People say fighting too much is the source of their relationship problems.
While that can be true, there’s a healthy way of fighting, and that’s calmer arguing. Constant arguing is unhealthy but so is constant compromising.
Arguments remind us of what’s important to us and they help our relationships evolve and grow.
If she’s always agreeing with whatever you say, even when you can tell she doesn’t want to, maybe it’s time to sit down and tell her that it’s okay to disagree on things.
Share differing opinions from time to time and take the time to think about each other’s perspectives.
Importantly, to keep it from turning into a full-fledged fight, only argue when you’re both ready — and less emotionally charged.
24) You might be boring too
If you’re bored of her, then you’re probably not doing anything fun. But if you’re not doing anything fun, you might be boring to her too.
It goes both ways, so talk to each other and see how you can improve the situation.
Ask her if she feels the same way about you because if it’s something that really bothers you (which it might since you’re reading this article), it merits a hard conversation.
The bottom line is that, no matter how much you may want to, you can’t change your wife.
All you can change is your behavior towards her.