10 reasons why your wife is boring in bed (and what to do about it)

A sexual mismatch is not at all uncommon in relationships.

Whether it was there from the start or developed as time went on, differences in sex drives and sexual preferences can cause stress and become a point of tension.

Maybe you feel like your wife is boring in bed and you want to inject some excitement back into things.

Understanding the root cause of the issue is important if you want to create a happier and more satisfying sex life for both you and your wife.

“Sex with my wife is boring” – 10 reasons why

1) You’re not helping the situation

Maybe your wife really is super boring in the bedroom, but then again, it’s only fair to remember that it takes two to tango.

So before you point the finger solely at her, it’s important to take a look at yourself first.

If your wife doesn’t want to rip your clothes off every time you walk through the door, you play a role in that.

Getting to the bottom of what the real problem is for you is what will help you to solve it. So, if you think that your wife is boring in bed, what exactly do you mean by that?

Do you mean that your needs are not being met sexually?

Do you mean that you are bored in the bedroom?

Do you mean that you would prefer to try out some new things sexually?

Because that’s slightly different. That’s about you feeling like your needs are not currently being met, rather than an objective truth that your wife is sexually boring.

If your wife isn’t feeling particularly satisfied sexually either, that could also be part of the problem.

Shifting the focus back on to yourself is really useful for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, you avoid the blame game. Which if you love your wife and want the situation to improve, will be a far more helpful approach.

Secondly, by turning the focus back on yourself it puts more of the power back in your own hands.

Rather than being the victim of a boring sex life, you take self-responsibility over your own desire and for creating better sex in your relationship.

2) You need to communicate better with each other

Most of our relationship difficulties come down to communication issues, and sex is no different.

One study published in the British Medical Journal found that women living with a partner are more than twice as likely to lack interest in sex compared to men living with a partner.

But rather interestingly those who were able to openly talk about sex with their partner were less likely to report lacking interest. That goes for both men and women.

Lead author Professor Cynthia Graham said:

“Our findings show us the importance of the relational context in understanding low sexual interest in both men and women. For women in particular, the quality and length of relationship and communication with their partners are important in their experience of sexual interest.”

If either your wife or you feel shy or embarrassed speaking about sex, you’re probably not letting each other know what turns you on or what you like.

Learning to talk more openly and effectively about sex with one another and how you feel about what is (and isn’t) going on in the bedroom, is always the best place to start.

3) You have different libidos

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According to one study from 2015, as many as 80% of couples experienced a “desire discrepancy” with their partner in the past month.

Clinical psychologist and relationship expert Seth Meyers talks about the importance of learning, what he calls, your “sex number” and knowing your partners too.

This number is, on a scale of 1 to 10, how sexual you consider yourself.

That way, you can begin to see not only your own sexual desire but also understand any discrepancies between you and your other half.

Partners with very different sex numbers may need to make more compromises.

“If you are very sexual, you have a significant need to engage in sexual activity regularly and frequently. If you are not very sexual, you have a need to make your partner understand that you have a low sex number and don’t want to be pressured to be sexual when it’s not really something you want.

“Everyone understands that a very sexual person is going to feel frustrated if the partner isn’t very interested in sex, but many people forget to think about the frustration the less sexual partner feels. After all, who wants to be pressured into anything, disappoint your partner, or be made to feel guilty if you’re simply not an extremely sexual person? For the less sexual partners of the world, many would rather give up sex altogether than continue to argue about it.”

4) Her self-esteem or self-confidence is low

Sex can feel like an incredibly vulnerable act, even when it’s taking place with your own husband who you love and trust.

In fact, research has found that people who are married have even less sexual self-esteem than single folk or cohabiting couples.

How we feel about ourselves all feeds into how we feel about sex. Psychotherapist and Certified Sex Therapist, Gila Shapiro says that our attitude towards sex is deeply intertwined with our self-esteem:

“Our sexuality is rooted in how we understand and define ourselves, how we perceive others, and how we see the world. Sexuality is a multi-dimensional, complex mix of physiological, interpersonal, cultural, emotional, and psychological factors. It’s important for us to reflect on all these aspects of ourselves and the role they play, as the relationship we have with our sexuality reflects our sexual self-esteem.”

That means how confident your wife generally feels about herself, her body, and her overall appearance will hugely impact how she responds to sex.

You can offer reassurance, compliments, and positive feedback to try and boost her confidence. But ultimately building our own sense of self-esteem and self-confidence is an inside job.

5) You don’t understand each other’s bodies

**Ridiculously obvious point alert** but women and men have different bodies and so very different experiences of sex. But as obvious as this is, we so often seem to forget it.

There can be a tendency for us to touch our partners in the way that we would like to be touched. It’s difficult to understand your partner’s experience of sex, without asking them (and even that is going to give you a limited perspective).

Not only are there clear differences between the sexes, but there are just as many differences from individual to individual.

That means just because your ex enjoyed being touched in a certain way, it doesn’t mean your wife does.

Learning to understand one another’s bodies is crucial if you are going to please each other sexually.

A great way to do this can be by taking sex completely out of the equation, and by discovering how to touch each other in a way that feels good.

Massage, stroking, kissing, tickling, and all the other forms of touch — either sexual or non-sexual — can help you to really tune into what does it for your partner.

You might also be surprised how much sexual tension you manage to create when you decide to take sex off the table and turn your attention to other more subtle forms of foreplay.

6) She doesn’t know what she likes

You may think we live in sexually liberated times, but we still can feel a lot of societal pressure when it comes to sex.

You might feel like you know what you want in bed, but maybe your wife is less sure.

Guilt, shame, and embarrassment when it comes to both sex and our bodies can mean that many people don’t really know what turns them on.

They may never have felt safe enough to experiment or work out what they do and don’t like between the sheets.

Feeling comfortable with your own sexuality is a much larger issue and one that plenty of us can feel shy over.

At the end of the day, sexual boundaries are ours and ours alone to set. But if you suspect that your wife could be playing it safe because she’s afraid to try something new, the best thing you can do is be supportive.

Ask her what she likes, what turns her on, if there’s anything she would like to try.

Shift the focus from getting your needs met and make it clear that you care about her and her pleasure.

7) You have other issues in your relationship

Plenty of studies have shown the strong link between a happy relationship and a good sex life.

But what’s less clear is whether better sex equals a stronger relationship or a stronger relationship equals better sex. Perhaps what makes the most sense is it is a bit of both.

The overall quality of other aspects of your relationship plays a significant role in the quality of sexual activity between you.

For example, if you’re arguing, frustrated, or disconnected from one another generally as a couple.

The bottomline is, if you’re not getting along well and are unhappy with your partner, you’re less likely to be happy in your sex life too.

8) “Real life” is getting in the way

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Life can get pretty boring for all of us sometimes.

Poor energy levels, stress, work, children, family problems, hormones being out of whack — there are 1001 possible things that can interfere with your sex life and sex drive.

For perfectly practical reasons that may mean sex ends up falling way down your priority list.

As sex therapist Janet Brito points out, for each of us there are different “deal breakers” that are more likely to put us in the mood for sex, or instantly turn us off it.

Discovering what these are for your partner will be important in setting the mood.

“Identify what your bridges (a clean house, a nice scent) or poisons (relationship conflict or resentment) to desire are. Then be intentional about building more bridges and lessening the poisons.”

9) There’s a lack of other forms of intimacy in the relationship

In any relationship, intimacy comes in other ways than just sexual contact.

There’s the experiences we have with one another (experiential intimacy), the ideas and thoughts we share (intellectual intimacy), and the feelings we share with each other too (emotional intimacy).

No matter what form it takes, intimacy usually involves trust, acceptance, and some type of emotional connection.

The stronger the intimacy, the more unafraid a couple is to share their deepest thoughts, desires, and vulnerabilities.

You might not need intimacy to have sex, but sex does improve the better the intimacy between two people.

For many couples, building intimacy in other ways — spending more quality time together, discussing their feelings, cuddling on the sofa, etc — has a positive knock-on effect on their sex life.

10) You have different ideas about what is exciting and what is boring

When it comes to sex, there really isn’t a “normal” way to be having it or not having it.

It all comes down to personal preference, and each of our unique preferences is shaped by a myriad of things.

The way we were brought up, our parent’s attitude to sex, our previous sexual experiences, the culture we grew up in, our relationship with ourselves —  all these and more shape our attitudes and narratives around sex.

Both partners in a relationship have an equal right to communicate their ideas and feelings around sex.

Neither is right or wrong, but it’s common to have very different attitudes about what is exciting or a turn on, and what is boring and a total turn off.

Trying to understand where one another is coming from is important, and helps to remove blame or shame for personal sexual preferences.

To conclude: My wife is boring in bed

At the end of the day, good sex is less about acrobatics in the bedroom and more about being able to stimulate your partner — mind, body, and soul.

That starts with open conversation around sex and strengthening intimacy in general in a relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spice things up a little or improving the overall quality of your sex life together, for both of you.

I’m sure your wife wants to feel like you enjoy making love to her.

Sex shouldn’t ever feel like a performance for either partner, so it may take compromise as well as communication as you try to create a sex life that you both find satisfying.

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Tina Fey

Tina Fey

I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. I'm writing for Ideapod to try and find it again. Hope you enjoy the journey with me.

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