My wife has no sex drive – how can I spice up our marriage? Ask Evie

Hi Evie. I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years, together for 8. We’ve always had a healthy sex life until my wife gained weight (understandably) after the birth of our daughter (she’s two now). I thought that once the little one got a bit older we could try to resume somewhat of our old passion, but my wife has no desire at all. She says she doesn’t feel attractive, but I still find her beautiful. I don’t want to be an asshole by pressuring her so I’ve just left it. But I don’t see any way forward – I don’t want to be in a sexless marriage, but I also want to respect her wishes. What can I do to revive our marriage? – Paul, UK

Thanks for writing in, Paul.  You’re in a position most face after childbirth. Here’s something to consider – post-pregnancy body changes are more than just physical; they’re emotional and psychological.

Your reassurance is great, but your wife needs to find her way back to feeling attractive on her own terms. Not just physically, but as a whole. Encourage her to explore what makes her feel good, be it exercise, a hobby, or even therapy. Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes in this situation. 

Now, onto you.

You’re not an asshole for wanting a fulfilling sex life. It’s a fundamental part of most marriages. But think about this: sexual connection is often a reflection of emotional connection. Instead of focusing on resuming your old passion, why not build a new one?

Start with non-sexual intimacy. Reconnect on an emotional level. Share your vulnerabilities, not as a demand for sex, but as an expression of your love and desire for a deeper bond.

As your emotional connection increases, your wife may feel in a better position to improve her self-image, but until then, you’ll need to remain patient and supportive.

Motherhood is a whirlwind, and most women don’t feel in the mood for sex after looking after a child all day (add housework, a career, and everything else on top, and it’s a recipe for sex-free nights).

Consider helping or hiring help if you have the means to allow your wife some much-needed “me-time” so she can start to feel more like herself again – a woman, not just a mother. 

And finally, if you try the above to no avail, consider therapy. As a couple, you can work together to get through this hurdle and it always helps to have a professional helping you along the journey. 

Wishing you all the best, 

Evie 

Do you have a question for Evie? If you would like advice from Evie, fill out the form here or send your problem to askevie@ideapod.com.

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Ask Evie

Evie is on a mission to revolutionize relationships and help you sort through your emotional woes. Her popular column helps readers break free from societal restraints and create empowering relationships - both with their inner selves and with those around them. With a wealth of experience in relationship counseling, backed by several professional certifications, she’s open-minded, big-hearted, and extremely compassionate… But she’ll also be completely honest in telling you the (sometimes) brutal truth, so you can get straight to the heart of the matter. Maybe you’re trying to save a marriage that currently feels like a sinking ship? Or worrying that your new friend isn’t quite as nice as they seem? Perhaps you’ve accidentally killed your partner’s goldfish and are weighing up the pros and cons of going to the pet store and finding a doppelganger, or fessing up? Whatever the dilemma, Evie’s at the ready to help sort through the emotional turmoil and guide you towards the next best step. To get in touch with Evie, click here.

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