My wife doesn’t love me anymore: 35 tips if this is you

My wife and I got married in a wave of euphoria.

But now it’s all coming crashing down.

My wife doesn’t love me anymore.

If you’re going through this too, I have some advice.

1) Talk to her

Step one if your wife doesn’t love you anymore is to talk to her.

I know that’s probably the last thing you want to do if someone has lost their feelings for you, but it’s necessary.

My wife doesn’t love me anymore, but she’s still my wife.

Don’t assume you know what your spouse is thinking, is the advice from Stephanie Kirby.

I’ve got to admit that Kirby’s right about this. Maybe it’s true that your spouse doesn’t love you anymore, but don’t jump to conclusions about it or about reasons why.

Ask her.

My talks with my wife are still in the beginning stages. I find what she says confusing and upsetting.

But I’m still putting in an effort, because I want to understand what went wrong

2) Bring up the good old days

Another thing you can do is bring up the good old days.

When my wife and I started dating we were young college students who were both inspired by William Blake and loved going for walks in the south of Scotland.

Even now when my wife doesn’t love me anymore, I can see her eyes get a little sparkle when I mention the old days.

The good old days when you dated and were in love are important to bring up if you want your wife back.

I am still unsure whether I want my wife back.

But still: I love to remember and think back on those old days and the times we shared.

At one time we were so in love and all it took was her smile to turn my day around. I want to remember those days and talk to her about them.

If it has the added bonus of reigniting her feelings for me, who am I to complain?

Maybe it’s all just a useless trip down memory lane, but it can’t hurt and it does my heart some good to think about.

3) Get your own life on track

Another one of the big things you need to do if you’re in this situation is get your own life on track.

I’m pretty sure my wife doesn’t love me anymore, but I still want to live my best life.

If you’re wondering how can you overcome this feeling that your life depends on whether or not your wife starts to love you again?

The most effective way is to tap into your personal power.

You see, we all have an incredible amount of power and potential within us, but most of us never tap into it. We become bogged down in self-doubt and limiting beliefs. We stop doing what brings us true happiness.

I learned this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. He’s helped thousands of people align work, family, spirituality, and love so they can unlock the door to their personal power.

He has a unique approach that combines traditional ancient shamanic techniques with a modern-day twist. It’s an approach that uses nothing but your own inner strength – no gimmicks or fake claims of empowerment.

Because true empowerment needs to come from within.

In his excellent free video, Rudá explains how you can create the life you’ve always dreamed of,  and it’s easier than you might think.

So if you’re tired of living in frustration, dreaming but never achieving, and of living in self-doubt, you need to check out his life-changing advice.

4) Take some time just for yourself

Finding out your wife doesn’t love you anymore is like finding out that your house never actually belonged to you or that you’re adopted.

It’s a huge shock.

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You need to take some time alone to process this.

Go on a fishing trip or meet up with buddies to vent some frustration.

You’re going to need some time just for yourself: this is a hard and confusing time!

5) Try working out and dieting

Another one of the biggest things you have to do if your wife has lost interest in you is to take a bigger interest in yourself.

I don’t know if you’ve become overweight or lost your touch, but I can tell you that I certainly have.

I’m fat.

I struggle to climb stairs that are more than a few meters high.

My mental discipline is also at an all-time low, and I’ve ordered unhealthy Uber Eats on way too many nights that I got home late from work.

I’m starting a diet and working out because it’s the right thing to do.

If my wife takes notice too I’ll just consider it an added bonus.

6) Let your wife live her own life

It’s tempting when your wife is fading away from you to try to demand that she come back or explain herself.

Like I said, talking is good.

But what’s not good is trying to force anything on her.

You need to be willing to let her live her own life.

My wife doesn’t love me anymore, but I still love her.

That’s why I want her to live her best life. If it means spending all her time away from me then so be it.

If it even means seeing another man, I’ve reached the stage where I’m open to that.

I want her to live her best life.

7) Give her some space

On a related note, I’m giving my wife some space and you should too.

If she doesn’t love you anymore then it’s not something you can force.

It’s her choice and that’s just how it is.

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One of the most important things you can do if your wife doesn’t love you anymore is give her some space.

This means letting her live her own life, like I said.

But it also means not always demanding to know what she’s thinking or communicating with her.

In many times she may just want time apart or to literally take time away from you.

That’s OK. Let it be.

8) Confront cheating head-on

If there’s been cheating in your relationship, you’re not doing you or your wife any favors by sidestepping it.

It’s important to confront cheating head-on.

Bring it up in conversations and don’t be afraid to fight about it.

You have a right to be offended if she cheated and hurt.

She has a right to be angry at you if you cheated

If your wife has fallen out of love with you because she cheated or because you did then it’s OK to talk about it.

Don’t try to pretend nothing is wrong or that it’s not a big deal.

It is a big deal and it might mean the marriage is over. Be honest.

9) Think about the last time you were single

When were you last single?

For me it was eight years ago. That’s a long time.

When I think about all the changes that have happened since then I’m frankly stunned.

To think that they have happened while I’ve also been in a relationship with my wife is mindblowing.

How did we even get through them?

Reflecting on these things has brought me closer to her, ironically.

I wonder how much she’s been through as well. It’s a long time since she’s been single too.

Relationships are hard: maybe we should open up our relationship for a year or two?

We’re considering it…

10) Encourage her to make new friends

When your wife doesn’t love you anymore it’s easy to start having schadenfreude.

This German word refers to being happy when someone else experiences misfortune.

When the woman you’ve built a life with checks out, it’s tempting to hope she fails.

But if you really want to have a positive life going forward and a chance of resolving this, you need to think of the happier days.

Imagine the woman who once loved you.

Wouldn’t you want the best for her?

Encourage her to make new friends and have a great life. It’ll be for the best in the end.

11) Let her open up

Your wife may be out of love with you, but it doesn’t mean she’s over you.

Let her open up about how she feels and how the changes in the marriage are affecting her.

If you try to guide her in what to say or be overly forceful she’s just going to shut down.

And when that happens you will truly be at game over.

Plus, there’s always a chance that she’s not actually out of love with you and she’s going through something else entirely.

Sometimes your wife isn’t upset or frustrated with you, she’s just going through a rough time.

“In fact, it may not be that she doesn’t care about you,” is what dating advisor Rachael Pace says.

“It could be that she is going through some things that you are also not aware of. With that said, the best take on this matter is to initiate a conversation.”

12) Go on a short vacation together

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If your wife doesn’t love you anymore I know how much it hurts.

My wife doesn’t love me anymore and the last year (or more?) has been a blur.

Ever since I realized she wasn’t into me anymore it’s been like a bad dream.

The nightmare doesn’t seem to stop.

The one good thing I do remember is us going on a short vacation.

We went to a lakeside cabin and basically sat around and drank by the lake. We also canoed one of the days (well she did).

It wasn’t exactly romantic, but it was nice to get out of the city for awhile and experience the healing power of nature for awhile.

13) Don’t let the mistakes of the past take over

My wife and I have both made mistakes in our marriage.

I cheated once and she had a lot of conflicts with our youngest son stemming from a real personality clash.

The thing is that nowadays things seemed to have gotten a lot better.

I could have taken her falling out of love with me very personally and told her to get the hell out of my life, bringing up some of her past behavior…

But I’ve chosen to let sleeping dogs lie.

This isn’t a competition, and anyways I don’t want to be in that kind of a drama with anyone, let alone the woman I love.

Like Andrew Marshall wrote in his book My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Anymore: The Love Coach Guide to Winning Her Back, it’s important not to let the mistakes of the past sabotage a potential future.

14) Pay more attention to her needs

My wife usually doesn’t ask me for anything.

I think that’s part of what went wrong in our marriage is that I became a passive spectator while she ran our lives and the lives of our kids.

I can’t remember consciously paying attention to what she needed for years now.

I admit I have taken her completely for granted.

But now that she’s made it clear that her patience with me is over and that she’s no longer in love, all of that is changing.

I’m making a conscious effort to pay more attention to her needs.

Last week I shoveled the driveway of snow.

I don’t expect to be less selfish overnight, but I’m making an effort: if nothing else it can make up for the years of being egocentric.

15) Ask advice from your friends

My friend Dave has been my rock through this whole process.

Not only has he become my go-to drinking buddy, he’s also been a fount of amazing advice.

He’s helped me feel more in touch with my “bros” (at this point just him and one other friend, Antonio).

He’s also made me see that while some things in the marriage obviously are my fault, many others are not.

It’s just the way things are right now, and he’s helped me not to take it all so personally.

It’s been hard, but with Dave’s help and advice I’ve managed to survive this ordeal (so far).

16) Let her know you love her

It’s crucial to let her know you still love her.

I’ve told my wife quite a few times, but lately I’ve taken it easy on it.

There is such a thing as overdoing this and making her feel pressured.

At the same time, many guys whose wives have lost interest in them make the mistake of reacting with a lot of resentment.

They lash out by closing down on her and not talking at all, or making mean and hurtful comments.

This is a mistake, at least if you ever want a chance of rediscovering what you once had.

17) Get your finances squared away

Financial problems can ruin even strong marriages.

People sometimes say that love is not enough, but might I also add that winging it on finances is not enough.

When you and your wife already lead stressful lives, sometimes all it takes is a tense time financially to send your marriage spinning.

My wife and I have been through some financial shitstorms that would scare anyone.

They are definitely part of the reason that we broke down.

I strongly encourage you to work on getting your finances in order if your wife doesn’t love you anymore.

If nothing else, you definitely might need your bank accounts lined up and organized for the divorce…

18) Address related issues impacting your marriage

When I found out my wife doesn’t love me anymore I was dumbfounded.

Like I said, I spent years being basically passive. But I was never abusive or angry.

Also, I thought back to the incredible times we once had and I didn’t understand.

How had this sucker punch hit me out of nowhere?

I kind of felt like the character of Allan on the sitcom Two and a Half Men.

I was clueless, buttoned up tight and trying my best to win her back. But all my efforts were making it worse.

That’s because I wasn’t being honest about the related issues that had hurt our marriage including my declining sex drive.

19) Get professional help

There’s no shame in seeking professional help, in fact it’s saved many marriages.

In the case of my wife and I we haven’t gone to a professional yet.

My wife says that she doesn’t need a professional in order to know that our marriage is over.


Well, the point is that if you and your wife are open to it, then it can’t hurt to seek professional help.

These folks have seen everything and they won’t be scared off by whatever problem you have.

20) Be ready to let her walk away

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You have to be ready to let your wife walk away if she doesn’t love you anymore.

You can try all the tricks and traps in the book, but forced love isn’t love.

If she wants to leave then she needs to have that right.

No matter how deep and intertwined the life is that you’ve built together, it’s not indestructible.

You have to be ready to let her walk away.

This is the hardest thing: it’s not until you are truly ready to lose her that you have any chance of getting her back.

21) Be honest about whether you still love her

You need to be honest about whether you still love her.

Be honest with yourself and be honest with her.

Like I was advising, if you still love her then you need to let her know at least once.

But if you don’t love her anymore as well then you also need to be honest with her about that.

I’ve said multiple times here that I do still love my wife.

I’m emotionally destroyed by what’s been happening in our marriage, but I do love her.

22) Don’t let one rough patch destroy your marriage

Sometimes her not loving you is more of a rough patch than the end of the road.

It’s not always the case that you can diagnose a marriage as dead just because of its current state.

In the same way that the happy couple you see now could be a heap of tears in a year, the sad marriage you are currently in could be stable and loving in six months from now.

Sometimes we can overreact to relationship drama. We may be ready to throw in the towel instead of just taking a break.

It’s important to stay calm.

Don’t let one rough patch destroy your marriage.

Maybe your wife doesn’t love you anymore, but are you sure she won’t fall back in love?

23) Do you want to cheat?

Another subject where it’s important to be brutally honest is in terms of fidelity.

Do you want to cheat? Be fully honest with yourself.

I’ve been tempted to cheat and did it once in the past like I said.

The main reason I haven’t done it again is that I haven’t had a good opportunity.

That’s a pretty harsh thing to admit to myself.

But if I want to really rescue our marriage I think I need to be honest.

Especially since I want and expect the same level of honesty and communication from my wife.

24) Spark intimacy again

Another big step you can take if your wife has lost her love for you is to spark back up the intimacy you once had.

It’s not always possible, true.

But when it is possible, it can really light everything back up.

There’s no reason to give up until you’ve tried everything, and given it time.

It’s not all about sex, either. Try touching and showing intimacy to her without always focusing on the sex act itself.

Intimacy can be built up slowly and by very small acts.

It doesn’t need to involve grand gestures and huge events.

Start small, you never know how far it could go to winning her back…

25) What are the core issues in your marriage?

It’s important to take a look at your marriage as if you were a scientist diagnosing a virus or some kind of new bacteria.

I know that doesn’t sound very romantic.

But take a cold, clinical eye to your marriage and be honest.

Start with the fact that your wife doesn’t love you anymore and go from there.

26) Encourage her to share with you

Encourage your wife to share her life with you in any way she still feels comfortable.

If that means having a coffee together on Saturday mornings, then that’s still a start.

If your wife doesn’t love you anymore, it doesn’t mean you have to segregate yourself from her like she’s in the infectious disease ward.

Encourage her to share her life with you, even in small ways.

Spend a little bit of time together if at all possible.

Even if the rift between you is going to be permanent, do your best not to let it destroy both of you.

27) Look at the rest of her life

It’s key to look at your wife’s life as a whole if you want to get a handle on what’s going on.

Is your wife also cutting off her friends and family, or is it just you?

Like I was saying, sometimes she’s not only falling out of love with you, she’s also having a lot of other stuff going on in her life.

Is her whole life crashing or is it just the marriage?

Be honest about this and take a cold, hard look.

Is your wife cutting you off or is she cutting everyone off and you’re part of a package deal?

28) Don’t take it personally

If at all possible, don’t take your wife falling out of love with you personally.

I realize that this may sound absurd, but hear me out.

Your wife has her reasons, mistakes and frustrations that are making her want out of this marriage.

She may insult and hurt you personally in 100 ways.

But it’s still ultimately about her reaction to you, not you.

This is especially true if you’ve offered to change and take a closer look at your behavior and approach.

It’s her choice to not take you up on the offer. If she wants to give up that’s on her.

Do your best not to take it personally.

29) Look for a cause (but don’t obsess)

When looking for a cause to your wife falling out of love, be frank about what’s gone wrong, but don’t obsess.

Sometimes people really do just lose their sentiments for someone.

Boredom and years gone by add up to a general loss of interest.

But in most cases there is a certain point or incident you can find where things went off track.

If your wife doesn’t love you anymore, there’s often a cause you can find.

It’s not always possible to fix the cause, but you can usually identify it.

30) Keep in mind everyone else who’s also impacted

A failing marriage hurts far more than just the two people involved.

It also impacts many people in the surrounding area, including

If you have kids they are probably devastated to see their parents split apart.

Even if you don’t have kids a failed marriage can affect so many people.

Even some of those who get your annual Christmas card may be sad to see that it’s not coming this year.

Keep them all in mind.

31) Stop putting her on a pedestal

One of the worst things people do with women in general – including their wives – is put them on a pedestal.

Yes, you should treat them well and look after their needs.

But idealizing them or always seeing them in a positive light is just a way to completely disempower yourself.

The self-help commentator Aaron Doughty has a great video on this which I recommend.

He explains that putting someone on a pedestal is never the right move.

It makes you unattractive and it makes your doomed marriage truly doomed.

32) Keep the fighting to a bare minimum

If your wife has fallen out of love with you it’s not going to be a fun time.

There are going to be fights and unpleasantness.

Even if you’re the most agreeable guy on the planet and she’s a meditation instructor, I’m betting there will be some very tense and toxic silences.

Emotional harm is real and it hurts.

And falling out of love with your spouse is right up there with some of the most difficult experiences you can have in life.

But do your best to keep the fighting to a bare minimum.

Talk it out when you can, walk it off when you can’t.

Your marriage may be over, but you can still keep your self-control and dignity.

33) Have a plan for what to do next

If you’re responding to your wife losing her affection for you it’s important to have a plan for the future.

There’s no way to say what will happen going forward and these kinds of situations can really spin out of control fast.

Have a plan for what you want if your wife leaves you.

Get your money, property and relationships in order in case everything goes south.

This includes potential things like finding friends you can crash with and determining how you might divide belongings in the result of a divorce.

Make a Plan B and be ready to go through with it.

34) Decide if you really want to try again

One of the worst things to do if your wife has lost her love for you is to lash out instinctively.

The reason this can happen is that we men often act out of our ego and injured pride.

Finding out the woman you’ve been with doesn’t love you anymore isn’t just sad, it’s extremely hurtful to the ego and your pride as a man.

This is why it’s so easy to become angry, irrational or extremely down.

All of this can mask the actual issue, however, which is whether you really want to try again or not.

Sometimes you don’t even love her anymore, either, and you’re just clinging more out of a sense of competition and not wanting to “lose” than actual love…

If you are feeling down in the dumps don’t focus on the past and disappointment.

Just decide if you really want to try again or not.

35) Learn to let go

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever read is to learn to let go.

There are so many things that are out of our control.

Learning to accept these things is a major part of growing up and becoming a truly strong and powerful person.

I’ve spent most of my life in a way that’s conditional.

I depended on something happening or not happening in order to determine my course of action.

But now I’ve learned to let go of all the things I can’t control and make the best decisions I can with the information I have.

At this point my wife doesn’t love me. It hurts bad, but I have to somehow find the will to go on.

Waiting for my wife to fall back in love with me

I still love my wife.

I wish she still loved me.

However, life doesn’t run on wishes, it runs on reality.

The reality right now is that my wife is taking a break from me and our marriage might soon be over.

The reality is that I know she’s cheated, and I’m really conflicted about that.

The reality is that if you spend your life waiting you’ll end up with gray hair and empty hands.

That’s why I’m now refocusing my attention.

I’ve discovered a new approach to preparing for another chance with my wife – or accepting her decision if she decides to move on.

That’s because relationships and heartbreak give us a chance to explore our worst traumas and conflicts.

They can act as catalysts for how we understand ourselves and our lives.

When it comes to relationships, you might be surprised to hear that there’s one very important connection you’ve probably been overlooking:

The relationship you have with yourself.

I learnt about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his incredible, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.

And once you start doing that, there’s no telling how much happiness and fulfillment you can find within yourself and with your relationships.

So what makes Rudá’s advice so life-changing?

Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but he’s experienced the same problems in love as you and I have.

And using this combination, he’s identified the areas where most of us go wrong in our relationships.

So if you’re tired of your relationships never working out, of feeling undervalued, unappreciated, or unloved, this free video will give you some amazing techniques to change your love life around.

Make the change today and cultivate the love and respect you know you deserve.

Click here to watch the free video.

Love is hard

I want to end by saying that love is hard, but it’s also worth it.

Most of all this includes loving yourself.

It can be hard to love yourself, it can be like stumbling in the dark on an unlit path.

But in the end you’ll find that the ups and downs of the rocky trail led you to something special.

It led you to an unbreakable bond with your spirit and with your experiences.

It led to a validation that can’t be broken by outer disappointments.

It led to personal power and creative accomplishment.

My wife doesn’t love me anymore, but the good news is that now I truly love myself.

Picture of Clifton Kopp

Clifton Kopp

Welcome to my writings on Ideapod! I'm a bit of a "polymath" in that I like writing about many different things. Often I'm learning from the process of writing. I hope you enjoy, and please leave a comment on one of my articles.

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