Hi Evie. I’ve been happily married to my husband for 7 years. Before me, he was in a long-term relationship – they were engaged but he called things off a few weeks before the wedding. He didn’t keep in contact with his ex, but at the start of the new year, his ex moved to our neighborhood. We tried to do the polite thing and welcome her to the street, offer to help if she needed anything, the usual neighborly stuff. At first, I thought everything would be okay, she kept her distance and so did we. But recently she’s taken to popping over uninvited. The other day my husband was setting up the BBQ and she saw him and came over, let herself in through the side gate, and helped herself to a drink. I asked my husband why he didn’t tell her to leave and he said he felt awkward and uncomfortable but didn’t want to make a scene. When we do bump into her, she pretty much ignores me and focuses most of her attention on my husband. I wouldn’t say she’s overtly flirting with him but she definitely acts like she’s still a major part of his life when she isn’t. How can we set boundaries so she backs off and respects our privacy? – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
When someone from the past reappears in your life, especially an ex who has a history with your spouse, it can stir up a lot of emotions. You might start questioning your boundaries, your relationship, and even yourself. In this case, you’re dealing with more than just a casual acquaintance—it’s someone who once shared a deep connection with your husband and now seems to be overstepping her bounds.
You’ve been patient and polite, but now it’s clear that more direct action is needed. The situation isn’t just about being friendly neighbors anymore; it’s about protecting your marriage and maintaining your peace of mind. Here’s how you can take control, set firm boundaries, and ensure that your relationship remains your top priority.
1. Direct and Uncompromising Boundaries: Boundaries are not about being polite or avoiding conflict—they’re about protecting what’s sacred to you. In your case, this means your marriage and your peace of mind. You’ve done the courteous thing by welcoming your husband’s ex to the neighborhood, but it’s clear that her continued presence and behavior are crossing a line. She’s not just overstepping; she’s testing the limits of what she can get away with, and it’s up to you and your husband to put a stop to it.
Setting boundaries is not about being nice; it’s about being clear. This is your home, your marriage, and your life—no one gets to intrude on that. You need to draw a hard line here. She doesn’t get to come over uninvited, let herself in, or act like she’s still a significant part of your husband’s life. That chapter is closed, and she needs to understand that. The sooner you establish these boundaries, the less complicated things will become.
2. Accountability and Teamwork: Your husband’s discomfort is understandable, but avoiding confrontation can’t be an excuse for inaction. By not addressing her behavior, he’s inadvertently sending the message that her actions are acceptable, which they clearly are not. It’s not just about him feeling awkward—it’s about the two of you standing together as a team and protecting the sanctity of your marriage.
He needs to step up and take responsibility here. If she comes over uninvited, he should be the one to politely but firmly tell her that it’s not okay. He needs to make it clear that while you both wish her well as a neighbor, the personal boundaries of your marriage are non-negotiable. If he continues to avoid this, it could lead to resentment or a sense of betrayal, which will only erode the trust between you two.
Remember, this is not just about protecting your relationship from her; it’s also about reinforcing the bond between you and your husband. You both need to be on the same page and present a united front—otherwise, this situation could become a wedge in your relationship.
3. Clear Communication: It’s time to have some straightforward conversations. First, sit down with your husband and express exactly how this situation is making you feel. Be honest, be direct, and don’t downplay your concerns. Let him know that while you appreciate his desire to avoid making a scene, this situation is affecting you both and needs to be addressed. He needs to understand that his avoidance is creating more discomfort than any potential confrontation would.
Then, if necessary, have a direct conversation with the ex. This doesn’t have to be confrontational, but it does need to be clear. Let her know that while you’re all neighbors and will interact occasionally, the level of familiarity she’s displaying is inappropriate. It’s okay to set the expectation that she respects the boundaries of your home and your marriage. If she continues to ignore you or dismiss your presence, then it’s time to be even more firm—your home is not open to her uninvited visits, period.
4. Self-Respect and Empowerment: At the core of this issue is the respect you have for yourself and your marriage. Don’t feel guilty for wanting to protect what’s yours. This situation is about more than just setting boundaries with an ex; it’s about standing up for your own sense of security and well-being. You’ve worked hard to build a life and a marriage, and you have every right to defend it.
You don’t need to accommodate someone else’s behavior when it makes you uncomfortable or threatens your peace. Empower yourself to take control of the situation and don’t hesitate to take action if necessary. This might mean having tough conversations, enforcing rules, or even creating some distance between you and this person. Whatever it takes, remember that your marriage and your happiness come first.
This is undoubtedly a tricky situation, but if you and your husband work as a united team, there’s no reason you won’t get through it.
Best of luck,
Evie
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