My husband (35M) and I (33F) have been together for more than 10 years. During this time, my childhood best friend from school moved to our area and we reconnected after losing touch for a few years. It’s been so nice having her back in my life, and I was really pleased that my husband also got along with her and her boyfriend. Her relationship ended about about a year ago, but we’d still invite her along for dinners or to the movies, etc. It wasn’t long after she became single that I started noticing my husband would pay her a lot more attention. He’d spend a bit more time on his appearance too, if he knew she was coming round. I did call him out on it and he told me I was being ridiculous and that he doesn’t see her that way. But recently I noticed that whenever we’re together, he’s full of questions and jokes for her but doesn’t really pay me much attention. I haven’t spoken to my friend about it as I don’t want it to become a “thing” or to make her feel uncomfortable (she’s shown no change in behavior towards my husband). How can I tell if he’s being honest with me, or if he’s just hiding an attraction towards her? And what should I do if he is attracted to her? – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I can see why you’re feeling uneasy about your husband’s behavior towards your friend. Your concerns are completely valid, and it’s crucial to address them thoughtfully and proactively.
First off, let’s get real about your feelings. It’s natural to feel a bit insecure when you notice your partner paying extra attention to someone else, especially when it’s a close friend. But before jumping to conclusions, let’s dig into why this is bothering you.
Are there any past experiences or insecurities that might be making this situation feel worse? Sometimes it’s worth taking a step back and looking at the overall picture to better understand why you’re feeling what you’re feeling.
Now, about your husband. You mentioned that he’s brushing off your concerns, which is a bit of a red flag. Instead of reassuring you, he’s dismissing your concerns. It’s important to communicate openly, but it’s also about how you frame the conversation. Try sitting down with him when you’re both calm and say something like, “I’ve noticed you seem really engaged with [friend’s name] lately, and it’s making me feel a bit left out. Can we talk about this?”
This way, you’re focusing on how his actions make you feel rather than accusing him of anything.
Keep an eye on his response and behavior over time. Does he genuinely listen and make an effort to include you more? Or does he dismiss your feelings and keep doing the same thing? His actions will tell you a lot.
Let’s talk boundaries. Every relationship needs them to stay healthy. If his behavior continues to make you uncomfortable, it’s time to set some ground rules. This might look like making sure you get quality time together without your friend around or agreeing on how often she joins you for activities. But don’t get too caught up setting boundaries either – if you start limiting the amount of words your husband can exchange with your friend or how much eye contact he’s allowed to make, it could overcomplicate and worsen the situation.
And about your friend – it’s a tricky spot. You don’t want to make her uncomfortable or create unnecessary drama, especially since she hasn’t shown any change in her behavior towards your husband. But if things don’t improve, it might be worth having a gentle conversation with her too. Something like, “I really value our friendship, and I’ve been feeling a bit off lately with how much time [husband’s name] and you spend chatting. I just wanted to share how I’m feeling.”
Before speaking to your friend, see how your husband reacts. This is a delicate situation so don’t be in a rush to deal with everything head on, take your time to observe and really watch what’s going on.
If you’re still feeling uneasy and things aren’t getting better, don’t hesitate to seek help from a professional. A relationship counselor can offer a neutral space for both of you to express your feelings and find a way forward.
Remember, it’s important to trust your instincts but also approach the situation with a balanced perspective. You deserve to feel secure and valued in your relationship, so take these steps to ensure your feelings are heard and respected.
Wishing you luck,
Evie
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