My husband gave me an ultimatum – him or my lover. How do I decide?

Hi Evie. I know this is probably one of the weirdest questions you’ve ever received, but my husband and I have been together for nearly 15 years. We’ve always had a good relationship, but about 5 years into being together, we encountered some difficulties in our sex life. Long story short, my husband decided that sex wasn’t for him, and I decided to stay with him regardless of my own needs. Fast forward a few years, I met Mike, a colleague from work, and we had an instant connection. We’ve been seeing each other for the last 4 years, and he’s aware that I’m in a sexless marriage. The issue arose recently when my husband found out about Mike. He said he had always had suspicions, but a neighbor saw us together and told my husband which confirmed it. Now he’s saying I have to choose. But I can’t – I still love my husband, even if we are more like friends than a married couple. And I love my time with Mike. We enjoy a healthy sex life but without the need to commit and live together. What should I do? – Christina, CA

Dear Christina, 

As the saying goes – you can’t have your cake and eat it! You’ve come to a crossroad, and it’s time to make a decision. 

First, address the foundational issue in your marriage. You chose to stay despite a crucial aspect of your relationship changing significantly. This was a decision you made, and it’s vital to reflect on why.

Was it fear of being alone, comfort in the familiar, or genuine love for your husband as he is?

Understand that love is complex, but it must be tethered to honesty—both with yourself and your husband. This situation calls for a candid conversation about your needs, his needs, and whether there’s a middle ground or if the gap is too wide to bridge while keeping your integrity and happiness intact.

Regarding Mike, you need to assess this relationship beyond the physical connection.

What are you receiving from this relationship? Is it merely about fulfilling needs not met by your husband, or is it something more?

Be clear about what Mike represents to you and whether this relationship stands on its own merit or is a band-aid for what’s missing at home.

Your husband’s ultimatum to choose isn’t just about picking a partner—it’s a demand for transparency and commitment, whichever direction you choose.

This is about more than your marital status; it’s about honesty and living a life that aligns with your values. Whatever decision you make will have profound emotional repercussions for all involved. So with that in mind, ensure that your choice reflects not just your needs but also an understanding of the consequences that follow.

Take this as an opportunity to deeply evaluate what fulfillment means to you. Engage in open, heartfelt discussions with both your husband and Mike. If you do decide to stay with your husband, consider counseling for the issues you encounter in the bedroom. A licensed therapist can make a world of difference. 

Best wishes,


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Evie is on a mission to revolutionize relationships and help you sort through your emotional woes. Her popular column helps readers break free from societal restraints and create empowering relationships - both with their inner selves and with those around them. With a wealth of experience in relationship counseling, backed by several professional certifications, she’s open-minded, big-hearted, and extremely compassionate… But she’ll also be completely honest in telling you the (sometimes) brutal truth, so you can get straight to the heart of the matter. Maybe you’re trying to save a marriage that currently feels like a sinking ship? Or worrying that your new friend isn’t quite as nice as they seem? Perhaps you’ve accidentally killed your partner’s goldfish and are weighing up the pros and cons of going to the pet store and finding a doppelganger, or fessing up? Whatever the dilemma, Evie’s at the ready to help sort through the emotional turmoil and guide you towards the next best step. To get in touch with Evie, click here.

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