Hi Evie. I (30M) have been with my girlfriend (27F) for a year. We live together but haven’t had the chance to meet each other’s families until recently (we live in a different part of the country to my folks and her parents live abroad). I was really excited to introduce my GF to my mom as we’re super close. I’m an only child so it’s always just been me and my parents and we have a really good relationship. But the whole thing went horribly. They came to stay with us for a long weekend, and my GF was upset that we had to give up our room for them and sleep on the couch. She was standoffish the whole time, didn’t make much of an effort, and then was outright rude to my mom. Basically, my mom had forgotten her shampoo and a few other toiletries. She asked my GF if she could use some of hers and my GF literally said, “No, it’s not my problem if you weren’t organized enough to pack your own stuff.” Honestly, everyone was so shocked and there was the longest silence after she said that. I had been arguing with her the whole time my folks were there because I didn’t understand what her problem was. After they left, we spoke about it and she said that she found my parents to be entitled and that I pander to them and she doesn’t like it. But I can’t get over how she treated my parents, especially my mom who was nothing but polite and pleasant the whole time. What should I do? – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for writing it. You’re in a tough spot here, caught between your girlfriend and your parents, and I can see why this is weighing on you. The bottom line is that your girlfriend’s behavior was way out of line. Telling your mom that it’s not her problem she didn’t pack her own shampoo? That’s not just rude—it’s a complete lack of empathy and respect.
There’s no dancing around that.
Let’s get into why this happened. Your girlfriend clearly has strong feelings about your relationship with your parents. Calling them entitled and accusing you of pandering to them? That’s not something you can ignore. It sounds like she feels threatened or insecure about her place in your life. Maybe she thinks your parents have too much influence over you, or maybe she has different ideas about how much say they should have in your relationship.
Whatever it is, her feelings don’t excuse her actions, but they do give you a clue about what’s going on.
You need to have a real, honest conversation with her. Let her know how much her behavior hurt you, not just because of what she said, but because of the lack of respect she showed to your mom. Make it clear that how she treats your parents is a big deal for you and that this isn’t something you’re willing to compromise on. If she can’t respect the people who raised you, then you have to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.
At the same time, try to hear her out about your relationship with your parents. Is there any truth to what she’s saying? Could it be that she feels like you put your parents’ needs before hers? Sometimes, we don’t see how our actions affect our partners, especially when it comes to family. If there’s something you need to adjust, do it, but don’t start bending over backward just to keep the peace. That’s a fast track to resentment on both sides.
If you can’t find common ground on this, it might be time to rethink whether this relationship is right for you.
Respect is key in any relationship—not just between you and your partner, but also with the people who are important to each of you. If your girlfriend can’t understand that, it’s a serious red flag.
