Hi Evie, I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (33M) for a couple of years now. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years, but because I’ve always believed he has a good heart, I’ve stuck by him. I wouldn’t say our arguments are small, he can be quite a difficult person at times and there have been situations where I’ve thought about leaving. But when we’re good, we’re so good. That’s why I was surprised when my girlfriends sat me down for an “intervention” a few weeks ago. They told me that they were concerned about my well-being and that I’d become a shell of the person I used to be. They think the primary reason is my boyfriend and one of them said that he fits all the criteria of being a narcissist. I was quite shocked but also understood where they were coming from – my boyfriend can be quite controlling (checks my phone and has been through my social media messages in the past) and he often plays the victim when I call him out on it. He checks out other girls but then accuses me of cheating even though I’ve never done that. We’ve had many tough conversations about his behavior and he always blames it on his tough childhood. I feel bad because he grew up feeling rejected by his parents and that’s why he struggles to trust me. Are my friends right? And if they are, does this mean I have to break up with him or can we work through it? – Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
Firstly, thanks for writing in! It can be so very tricky to determine whether someone is a true narcissist since many of us can and do share narcissistic tendencies to varying degrees.
But in this case, your friends have given you an invaluable gift by showing you a perspective that’s hard to see when you’re in the thick of it. Their concern comes from love and from seeing changes in you that you might not fully recognize yourself.
Now, let’s address the key issue here: your boyfriend’s behavior. From what you’ve described, his actions are not just controlling but potentially emotionally abusive. Checking your phone, going through your social media messages, accusing you of infidelity, and playing the victim are classic signs of a manipulative and controlling partner. His difficult childhood might explain his behavior, but it doesn’t excuse it.
We all carry baggage, but it’s our responsibility to handle it in a way that doesn’t harm others.
You need to focus on the facts: he invades your privacy, controls your actions, and shifts blame. These are red flags that can’t be ignored. His tough childhood doesn’t justify making your life miserable. It’s crucial to separate empathy for his past from the reality of your present.
Your friends mentioned narcissistic traits, and while I’m not here to diagnose, it’s important to recognize patterns. Narcissists often display an inflated sense of self-importance, lack empathy, and need constant admiration. They can be manipulative, expecting special treatment and reacting negatively to criticism. If these characteristics resonate with your boyfriend’s behavior, it’s a serious issue.
Now, addressing whether to break up or work through it:
- Self-Assessment: Reflect on how his behavior has changed you. Do you feel more anxious, less confident, or like you’re constantly walking on eggshells? Your well-being is paramount.
- Set Boundaries: Have a frank conversation with him. Express how his actions affect you and set clear boundaries. If he genuinely wants to change, he’ll respect them and seek help. But remember, real change takes time and consistent effort.
- Seek Professional Help: Couples therapy can be beneficial if both partners are committed to change. However, his willingness to engage in therapy and work on his issues is crucial. If he refuses, it’s a sign he’s not ready to change.
- Prepare for the Worst: If he continues his controlling behavior or doesn’t respect your boundaries, you need to prioritize your safety and happiness. Leaving a toxic relationship can be hard, but staying in one is even harder in the long run.
Ultimately, the choice is yours. But remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and individual growth. If your relationship consistently drains you and stifles your growth, it’s time to reconsider its value in your life.
Best wishes,
Evie
Do you have a question for Evie? If you would like advice from Evie, fill out the form here or send your problem to askevie@ideapod.com.
