My boyfriend and I bonded over hating Valentine’s Day – how do I tell him I’ve changed my mind and want to celebrate it?

Hi Evie!

I’m 24 and have been with my boyfriend for coming up to 3 years. We met a few days before Valentine’s day in 2021 and I guess bonded over a mutual hatred for all the couple-y pressure of Valentine’s day itself. This was probably partially because it’s a weird time to meet and go on a first date, right in the lead up to the day itself. Getting roses and chocolates from someone I’d known a week seemed awkward so I made an effort to tell him I didn’t care about it and it was a capitalist sham. 

Since then, we’ve kept up the ‘tradition’ of mocking couples who go all out and are all lovey dovey…

But if I’m honest, I’m really jealous of them. I listen to my friends tell me about the nice dinners they get to go out for, and get sent all these cute pictures of flowers, and all I get is a normal night in.

I don’t know if it’s too late altogether to backtrack and say that I want a normal valentines day with my boyfriend since I’ve made such a show of teasing other people and we bonded over that. I’m worried he’ll think our whole relationship is built on a lie if I suddenly change my mind like this!

Hi there!

Change happens, and that’s okay.

We change our minds, our feelings, our views. It’s all a natural part of life.

I can see where your apprehension comes from in backtracking upon something you considered an early bonding topic with your partner, but I can assure you that you’re in no way betraying your values in contradicting your initial Valentine’s disdain.

First up, let’s start with the communication part.

I’m sure your boyfriend will be very understanding of the fact that you’ve grown and evolved over time. I personally really like this quote by Heidi Priebe:

To love someone long term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be’.

A big part of relationships is showing up and supporting each new version of our partners and (hopefully) showing willingness to grow with them!

So, brave up and confide in him that whilst you’ve enjoyed mocking the over-the-top celebrations, you’ve come to realize that you wouldn’t mind a little bit of the lovey-doveyness yourself.

Plus, it sounds like you two bonded over a shared loathing of the commercialization of Valentine’s Day. When suggesting you two get more invested in the day itself, you could approach it from a desire to celebrate your shared love, in a distinct, non-commercial way. 

I’m not suggesting you stamp your foot and demand flowers. We haven’t covered his feelings – he might really loathe flowers and chocolates and the whole Valentine’s concept, in which case I would focus on celebrating your relationship aside from Valentine’s Day itself.

Nonetheless, you could tell him that you would prefer some unique handpicked plants over a generic bouquet of red roses. Or a hand-drawn card over one purchased at the supermarket!

Whatever the case, be sure to reciprocate in your own special way too. After all, love is a two-way street!

Your newfound Valentine’s Day cravings don’t invalidate the foundation of your relationship. Relationships grow and adapt, and it’s healthy to communicate these evolving expectations. Just be sure to convey to him that your connection goes far beyond the initial shared stance on Valentine’s Day, and that your feelings have evolved in a genuine way.

Maybe you love him so much, you’ve changed your mind and want to celebrate the great thing you have going on!

In any case, try not to overthink it. You and your boyfriend’s shared disdain for the commercialization of Valentine’s Day might have made for an interesting foundation for your relationship, but now comes the new chapter – when you get to set your own traditions and celebrate in your own, unique way.

Happy romancing!

Evie

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Ask Evie

Ask Evie

Evie is on a mission to revolutionize relationships and help you sort through your emotional woes. Her popular column helps readers break free from societal restraints and create empowering relationships - both with their inner selves and with those around them. With a wealth of experience in relationship counseling, backed by several professional certifications, she’s open-minded, big-hearted, and extremely compassionate… But she’ll also be completely honest in telling you the (sometimes) brutal truth, so you can get straight to the heart of the matter. Maybe you’re trying to save a marriage that currently feels like a sinking ship? Or worrying that your new friend isn’t quite as nice as they seem? Perhaps you’ve accidentally killed your partner’s goldfish and are weighing up the pros and cons of going to the pet store and finding a doppelganger, or fessing up? Whatever the dilemma, Evie’s at the ready to help sort through the emotional turmoil and guide you towards the next best step. To get in touch with Evie, click here.

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