A few months ago, my best friend of 18 years went through a difficult breakup. I started inviting her to more excursions with my husband as I knew she was struggling and needed some social time. All 3 of us enjoyed going on hikes or occasionally dinners together, and my friend (who I’ll call Lucy) began developing more of a relationship with my husband, regularly texting him and sending him memes. Initially, I didn’t think anything of this as I was simply happy to see their relationship flourish, but I’ve become increasingly aware that Lucy was texting him multiple times a day, often trying to just ‘get in contact’ with him, which started to rub me up the wrong way. I brought up the matter to my husband who admitted her constant texting does make him uncomfortable, and said that while he thought it was innocent initially, he’s grown doubtful especially as Lucy is still stuck up on her breakup. How do I approach telling Lucy that both of us are uncomfortable with her behavior without upsetting her feelings or spoiling my friendship with her and my husband’s friendship? – Claire, ON
Hello there & thank you for this submission.
It sounds like you’re in a bit of a sticky situation, but don’t worry, these things happen, especially when everyone’s emotions are running high.
First of all, you’ve really showed up as being such a supportive friend to Lucy. Breakups are tough, and it’s totally natural for her to be seeking connection and comfort. It’s such a great hallmark of friendship that you went out of your way to include her in your activities with your husband, and it’s lovely that they hit it off.
However, it’s also totally understandable to feel a bit uneasy about how things have evolved since then. I can imagine you’re feeling as if you’re walking a tightrope between wanting to be a good friend and protecting your own relationship, which is truly a tough spot to be in!
Your instincts are spot on – the fact that both you and your husband are feeling uncomfortable means it’s time for a chat with Lucy. But don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be a confrontation. It can be a conversation between two friends who care about each other.
Let her know you understand she’s going through a tough time and that you’re there for her, and will still be there in the future. Then, gently explain how the constant texting has been making you and your husband feel. It’s important to use “I” statements to avoid blaming her. For example, “I feel a little overwhelmed when I see how many texts you’ve been sending my husband,” or “I’m starting to worry that it might be putting a strain on our friendship.”
Explain that while you appreciate her friendship with both of you, the excessive communication is making your husband feel uncomfortable, too. Be direct, but be kind in communicating this. It’s so important that Lucy respects his boundaries, even if it makes her feel a little awkward or disappointed.
And be prepared for any reaction – she might be surprised, defensive, or even hurt. Give her space to process her emotions, but stand firm in your boundaries. You have every right to protect your relationship and ensure your husband feels respected and comfortable.
In all of this, you’re not outright asking her to cut ties with you or your husband for good. You’re simply asking her to respect the boundaries of your relationship. I’m going to wager that she has little idea of how much she’s been impacting you too, and after your conversation, it’s okay if things get a little awkward for a while. True friendships can handle these kinds of conversations.
That being said, after this conversation, Lucy continues to disregard your boundaries, it might be necessary to take a temporary break from the friendship. It’s okay to prioritize your own well-being and the health of your marriage. Explain to Lucy that you need some space to reassess the friendship, and revisit the conversation later when emotions have cooled down.
Finally, and most importantly, keep the lines of communication open. Talk to your husband about how to handle future interactions with Lucy, and encourage him to set his own boundaries if needed.
Keeping my fingers crossed that this is a mere blip in your friendship and that you all manage to get back on the same page soon!
Evie
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