Setting boundaries is essential for self-respect and healthy relationships…
But it can be deceptively tricky.
You may think you’re firm, only to find yourself feeling resentful, overwhelmed, or disrespected.
The problem?
We often unknowingly sabotage our own efforts.
In this article, we’re shining a light on the 8 most common boundary-setting blunders—those subtle missteps that can leave you feeling powerless, even when you’ve clearly stated your needs.
It’s time to break the cycle and reclaim your autonomy.
1) Believing boundaries are a sign of selfishness
Boundaries are often misunderstood. They’re seen as this sign of selfishness, like you’re shutting people out and only caring about your own needs.
But let me tell you something, that’s not accurate. Not even close.
Boundaries aren’t about keeping people at arm’s length or being unkind. They’re about self-care and respect – for you and for the other person.
We all have needs and limits, right? It’s okay to communicate these. It’s okay to say no when something doesn’t feel right or when it’s too much.
This isn’t being selfish, this is being self-aware and respectful of your own needs. If you’ve been viewing boundaries as a sign of selfishness, it’s time to shift that mindset.
Because this misconception?
It’s one of the biggest mistakes we make when trying to set healthy and firm boundaries.
2) Not being clear about your boundaries
Another common mistake? Not being clear about what your boundaries are.
I mean, how can you expect others to respect your boundaries if you’re not even sure what they are yourself? It’s like trying to navigate through a maze without a map.
Let me give you an example from my own life. I used to struggle with saying ‘no’ to invitations from friends. I didn’t want to disappoint them, so I would always agree to hang out, even when I was exhausted or had other priorities.
Over time, this left me feeling drained and stressed. I realised that my inability to say ‘no’ was actually a boundary issue. I needed to establish that it’s okay for me to prioritize my own needs sometimes, even if it meant declining an invitation.
Once I understood this, I was able to communicate it clearly to my friends. And you know what? They understood and respected my decision. It was a game changer.
Being vague about your boundaries is not doing anyone any favors. Clarity is key. Be sure about what your boundaries are and communicate them effectively.
3) Sacrificing your boundaries to avoid conflict
Maya Angelou, a wise woman and respected author, once said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
This quote can be perfectly applied to boundary setting.
Many of us fall into the trap of sacrificing our boundaries to avoid conflict. We fear that standing our ground could lead to arguments or discomfort, so we let things slide. We let people overstep our boundaries because we don’t want them to feel bad.
But here’s the thing – by doing this, we’re not only disrespecting ourselves but also making others feel like it’s okay to disregard our feelings and needs.
Remember Angelou’s words – it’s not about what you say or do, it’s about how you make others feel. When you respect your own boundaries, you teach others to respect you too.
Don’t sacrifice your boundaries to avoid conflict – it’s not worth it in the long run.
4) Failing to revise and update your boundaries
Boundaries aren’t set in stone. They’re a living thing, evolving as we grow and change.
There’s this fact about human cells that I find fascinating – every seven years, every single cell in your body has been replaced by a new one. You’re not the same person you were seven years ago, not even on a cellular level.
Now think about this in terms of boundaries. If you’re not the same person you were seven years ago, why should your boundaries be the same? Your needs, your priorities, your comfort levels – they all change over time.
Just as we grow and evolve, so should our boundaries.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that once a boundary is set, it’s there forever.
It’s not.
Be open to revising and updating your boundaries as needed.
5) Thinking that all boundaries are the same
Here’s something you might not have considered: not all boundaries are created equal.
We tend to think of boundaries as these big, bold lines in the sand. But in reality, they can be as big or as small as they need to be, depending on the situation and the person involved.
Let me explain. You might have a boundary about not lending money to friends. That’s a big boundary, and it’s probably pretty clear cut.
But what about smaller boundaries? Like not wanting to discuss your weight with your mother, or needing ten minutes of silence when you get home from work to decompress?
These might seem like small things, but they’re still important. They’re still boundaries, and they deserve to be respected just as much as the big ones.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that all boundaries are the same, because they’re not. Each one is unique and specific to you, and each one matters.
6) Not enforcing your boundaries
Setting boundaries is all well and good, but it’s only half the battle. The other half? Enforcing them.
You see, people will test your boundaries. Sometimes they do it intentionally, sometimes they don’t realize they’re doing it. Either way, it’s up to you to enforce those boundaries.
Let’s say you’ve set a boundary about not working on weekends. But then your boss asks you to finish a project on a Saturday. What do you do?
If you agree to work, even though it goes against your boundary, what message are you sending? That it’s okay to overstep this boundary. And once a boundary is crossed, it becomes easier and easier to cross it again in the future.
The mistake here is not standing firm when your boundaries are tested. Stand by your boundaries and make sure others do too.
It might be uncomfortable at first, but it’s crucial for maintaining healthy and firm boundaries.
7) Feeling guilty about your boundaries
Boundaries can bring up a lot of emotions, and guilt is often one of them.
When you start setting and enforcing boundaries, you might feel like you’re being too harsh or unreasonable. You might worry about hurting people’s feelings or causing conflict. This guilt can make you second guess your boundaries, and even push you to break them.
But here’s what I want you to understand: it’s okay to set boundaries. It’s more than okay, it’s necessary for your well-being.
Guilt is a natural response, especially if you’re new to setting boundaries or if the people around you aren’t used to them. But don’t let this guilt trick you into dismantling your boundaries.
It’s important to stand firm, even when guilt creeps in. Your boundaries are there to protect you and your needs. They’re not a sign of selfishness or unkindness, they’re a sign of self-respect. Don’t let guilt make you believe otherwise.
8) Not communicating your boundaries effectively
I’ve saved this point for last because it’s arguably one of the most crucial. Communication, or rather a lack of it, is a key mistake people make when trying to set healthy and firm boundaries.
You see, boundaries aren’t just for you, they’re for the people around you too. They need to know where the line is so they can respect it.
Have you ever walked into a room and accidentally flicked a switch, only to have someone scold you for turning off their computer? How were you supposed to know that switch controlled their computer?
It’s the same with boundaries. If people don’t know what your boundaries are, they can’t respect them.
So how do you communicate your boundaries?
Be clear, be direct and be assertive.
Let the other person know what your boundary is, why it’s important to you and what the consequences are if they cross it.
Remember, setting healthy and firm boundaries isn’t just about knowing what they are, it’s about making sure others know too.
Conclusion.
Setting boundaries is a powerful act of self-love and respect, but it’s a journey, not a destination.
It requires ongoing awareness, clear communication, and the courage to stand firm even when it’s challenging.
Remember, you’re not alone in this.
Many of us struggle with these common mistakes, but recognizing them is the first step toward healthier relationships and a more empowered you.
So, embrace the process, learn from your missteps, and keep refining your boundaries.
Your well-being is worth it.
