When I look back on some of my most difficult moments, I see a pattern that emerges over and over.
It wasn’t the challenges themselves causing the most pain—it was the expectations and beliefs I clung to that kept me stuck.
In my late 30s now, I’ve come to realize that true happiness isn’t something we passively stumble upon; it’s often about shedding layers of old habits, beliefs, and self-imposed pressure.
That’s why I’m inviting you to pause and ask yourself: What am I still holding onto that no longer serves me?
Below, I’ll walk you through seven things I had to let go of to find genuine happiness.
Some of these habits took years to identify, especially during the time I was grappling with my parents’ divorce at a young age.
Others revealed themselves in my day-to-day life—like when I realized I was spending more time on my phone than truly being present with my family. Let’s dive in.
1. The need for external validation
It can be tempting to chase the approval of others. Whether it’s social media “likes,” encouraging words from our bosses, or even compliments from friends, we often measure our self-worth by how others react to us.
Yet, the more I chased external validation, the more fleeting my happiness felt.
There was always another “like” to pursue or another person to impress.
A few years ago, I found myself checking my phone incessantly for notifications—on everything from social media to work emails.
I told myself I was just trying to stay connected, but in reality, I was hooked on the micro-hits of dopamine that come from external approval.
Over time, I noticed how that constant search for validation made me anxious, and I wondered: Why am I giving my power away like this?
Ritual to let go:
Practice small acts of self-affirmation every day.
When you finish a project or succeed at something, pause and acknowledge your own effort.
It sounds simple, but it’s remarkably effective. I also recommend setting personal “tech sabbaticals,” where you step away from your devices for an hour or two daily.
2. The fear of technological overload
Don’t get me wrong: I’m grateful for the digital age. My background in software taught me the power of technology to connect us and solve important problems.
But I also came to realize that the constant barrage of information leaves us anxious and drained if we don’t set boundaries.
There was a period where I felt tethered to my phone, replying to Slack messages at midnight and scrolling through social media before bed.
When I saw the same behavior in my friends—and even in my own family—it struck me how easily we let technology hijack our attention.
Ritual to let go:
Schedule “off-grid” weekends or afternoons.
For instance, I now take Sunday mornings as an unplugged time—no email, no social media.
It’s amazing how quiet the mind becomes when we’re not bombarded by notifications. You may also try simple mindfulness exercises (like focusing on your breath for five minutes) whenever you catch yourself mindlessly scrolling.
3. The weight of the past
Childhood experiences, especially traumatic ones, can cast a long shadow over our adult lives.
My parents divorced when I was young, and for many years, I carried a sense of guilt and unresolved anger into my adult relationships.
The more I replayed those painful memories, the more I felt trapped in them.
Eventually, it dawned on me that holding onto past hurts was preventing me from creating new, healthier dynamics with my partner and my stepson.
Recognizing that my past didn’t have to dictate my future was a turning point.
Once I gave myself permission to acknowledge the pain—rather than bury it—I was able to move forward with a freer, lighter heart.
Ritual to let go:
Journaling is a simple but powerful tool. I began writing letters to my younger self, offering the support and understanding I wish I’d had back then.
This allowed me to separate past experiences from my present reality. If writing isn’t your style, consider talking with a therapist or a trusted friend. The key is to face those feelings and gradually release them, so they no longer hold you back.
4. The pursuit of unrealistic perfection
We live in a culture that glorifies perfection—perfect body, perfect home, perfect job.
We see curated images on social media and assume that’s the whole story.
The harsh reality is, trying to meet impossible standards leaves us in a perpetual state of inadequacy. I used to push myself relentlessly at work, convinced that if I didn’t tick every box flawlessly, I was failing.
But over the years, I’ve found that perfectionism doesn’t actually make us more productive—it just makes us more stressed.
There’s a difference between striving for excellence and demanding the impossible from ourselves.
One of my mentors once told me, “True excellence is born from iterative growth, not from achieving perfection in a single shot.” Letting go of unrealistic standards allowed me to see mistakes as part of the journey, rather than evidence of personal failure.
Ritual to let go:
Embrace “good enough.”
If you’re tackling a creative project or a work assignment, give yourself a set time limit.
Once that time is up, share or present your work.
This helps you practice finishing tasks without overthinking every detail. Over time, you’ll find it easier to release the burden of trying to be perfect—and ironically, you’ll often produce better work when you’re not stifled by worry.
5. The compulsion to compare yourself to others
One of the most universal traps is comparison.
We compare jobs, houses, relationships, even personal styles—often without realizing how subjective and incomplete these comparisons are.
Think about social media.
We see polished highlight reels of everyone else’s life, while we’re acutely aware of our own day-to-day struggles.
For me, comparisons kicked into overdrive when I first became a step-parent.
I’d look at other families who seemed so effortless, while I felt like I was constantly negotiating boundaries or misunderstandings.
It didn’t help that some friends could be judgmental about what they believed a “real family” should look like.
I finally learned that no two paths are identical, and that includes family dynamics. The more I focused on celebrating my unique blessings, the less I worried about matching someone else’s reality.
Ritual to let go:
Practice gratitude. Simple, right?
But it works.
Each evening, I jot down three things I’m grateful for—could be anything from enjoying a walk outside to having a deep conversation with my stepson.
This habit shifts my attention from other people’s lives to the good that already exists in mine. Over time, you realize there’s a lot you have that can’t be compared in a one-size-fits-all manner.
6. Resentment and grudges
Holding onto resentment can feel oddly comforting at first, like a protective shield.
But in reality, grudges only weigh us down and keep us tethered to negative emotions.
I’ve had to work through resentment toward various people over the years—old friends who drifted away, colleagues who undermined me, and even extended family members who disappointed me.
I realized that holding onto anger was doing nothing to heal the actual wounds.
Sure, it felt like self-defense, but it mostly blocked me from moving on. According to Verywell Mind, chronic resentment can lead to increased stress hormones in our bodies, which impacts mental and physical health. It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.
Ritual to let go:
Self-reflection and empathy exercises.
When anger or resentment bubbles up, pause and try to view the situation from the other person’s perspective—without excusing harmful behavior, of course.
Often, people act out of their own insecurities or pain. That doesn’t absolve them, but it can lighten your emotional load. If you find it hard to let go, consider writing a letter (even if you never send it) to express your feelings and intentions to forgive—primarily for your own peace.
7. The belief you have to do it all alone
A major obstacle to happiness is the idea that we must be self-reliant at all costs.
I understand this firsthand: I spent a good chunk of my 20s and early 30s pushing away help, convinced I had to stand on my own two feet no matter what.
However, this mindset often led to isolation and burnout.
When I started opening up—sharing personal struggles with my partner, turning to close friends for advice, or joining support groups—I discovered that vulnerability is a powerful connector.
We’re social beings at heart, and asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a recognition that true strength can also come from community.
Even simple acts, like letting my partner handle dinner a few nights a week when I’m swamped with deadlines, has given me more energy to focus on what truly matters.
Ritual to let go:
Identify one task or area in your life where you tend to go it alone—whether it’s child-rearing, tackling home projects, or handling financial stress.
Share that load.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed at work, propose a collaborative approach with your team.
At home, delegate one of your weekly chores to a family member. Remember, leaning on your community not only lightens your burden but fosters deeper relationships built on trust and reciprocity.
If any of these seven areas resonate with you, know that it’s okay to take small steps.
Letting go doesn’t happen in one sweeping motion; it’s a daily practice. The reward, though, is a calmer mind, healthier relationships, and the inner space to embrace new opportunities.
There’s an old saying that life is a balance of holding on and letting go. I believe we can shape which parts to keep and which parts to release. In doing so, we free ourselves to experience life with fresh eyes—and a lighter heart.
So, which one of these resonates with you the most, and what’s your first step toward letting it go?
