Is he a player or genuinely interested? 16 easy ways to tell

Dating can be so exciting. Just think: you see him across the room, he comes over to say hello… the flirting, the sexual tension…

And then you find yourself falling for him and asking yourself “Does he like me? Is he genuinely interested in me or is he just a player?”

Players are usually emotionally-unavailable men who like to play games and lead women on.  

They like the chase, they need the ego boost that comes from knowing someone is interested in them, and they see dating as an opportunity to hook up with lots of women without the danger of falling in love.

Guys aren’t always good to read, so how can you tell if he’s only after sex or something more serious? The answer is simple – by reading him.

So here are 16 ways to know if he’s a player or into you:

1) His behavior doesn’t match his words

So, we’ve already established that a player is not interested in a serious relationship and only wants to hook up with you.

Now, in order to get you to go on a date with him, he’s ready to tell you what he thinks you want to hear.  

For example, he’ll tell you that he was in a long-term relationship and left heartbroken. He’ll say that he didn’t think he could ever get over his ex … until he met you.

He couldn’t see himself getting serious with anybody ever again and yet there’s just something about you.

He may even tell you that he’s scared you’ll hurt him.

But these could just be sweet nothings. You need to look at the big picture.

If he’s acting in a way that doesn’t match his words, then he’s probably a player who’s making up stories to get you into bed, and once he’s gotten what he wanted, he won’t stick around for long.

2) He’s giving you mixed signals

One minute he’s head-over-heels in love with you and he just can’t seem to get enough of you.

Then, the next, he’s too busy to see you. He doesn’t call you and when you text him it takes him forever to reply. His messages are one or two-word answers.

He’ll send you lots of flirty messages, but then when you suggest meeting up he makes an excuse as to why he can’t. That’s a classic sign that he’s not really interested in you.

The truth is that if a guy is sending you mixed signals, he is just not that into you. This happens when a guy is playing the field. He wants to keep you hanging on, because the more you like him, the more power he has over you, and the more he can control the situation.

So how can you get him to be serious about you? Is there something that you can do to make him look at you as more than just a conquest?

Well, actually, there is.

Ever heard of the “hero instinct”? It’s a way to explain what really drives men in relationships – and it’s not just sex.

As James Bauer explains in his free video, it’s all about waking up your man’s primal instinct to protect and care for you.

I know you don’t need a “hero” to come and rescue you, it’s the 21st century after all, but if you want him to see you as something more than a one-night stand, you need to make him feel needed.

It makes sense when you think about it. A lot of our actions are driven by instincts or innate biological tendencies that help us survive.

So, if you want to find out exactly how to trigger his hero instinct, I really recommend watching Bauer’s unique video.  

3) He’s constantly pushing the boundaries with you

Look, when someone is genuinely into you, it goes to follow that they will respect you, right?

That means respecting your boundaries.

They won’t keep trying to push for more physical intimacy or to move the relationship forward faster than you are comfortable with.

But if a guy is a player, he will try to push the boundaries of your relationship to see how far he can go. He’ll want to know how far he can go before you say “no” or draw the line.

Boundaries? Who cares about boundaries?

It’s not like he’s interested in seeing where your relationship will go; he’s only interested in getting as much as he can out of you.

All in all, if he’s pushy and doesn’t care about what you’re comfortable with, dump his a**.

4) He disappears without explanation and then comes back again

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This is typical player behavior.

If a guy disappears without explanation and comes back again, you may think it makes him seem mysterious.

But the truth is that players disappear because they don’t want to get serious with any one girl so while your guy is away, he’s most probably hooking up with other women.

What’s more, if he’s been trying to get you into bed and you’ve said you want to take it slow, he may get impatient and move on to his next target. He’ll just disappear without an explanation.

When he gets bored of her, he’ll come back and try with you again. He’ll probably give you some silly excuse as to why he couldn’t get in touch with you all this time.

Don’t believe him, no matter how charming he is, he’s definitely a player.

5) He rushes the relationship

When a guy is genuinely into you, he isn’t going to rush you into anything. He’ll let the relationship unfold naturally. He’ll want to take things slow and see what happens.

However, if a guy is just after sex and sees you as someone to add to his list of conquests, he’ll try to rush things by talking about love and commitment. Something will definitely feel off.

I remember going on a few dates with this guy who was telling me about how amazing I was and how he could see our whole future – our wedding, our kids, our grandkids. I was like: Woah, something’s not right here. I barely know this guy and he’s talking about the future. There’s no way he’s for real!

And I was right, he turned out to be a player. Turns out he dated a friend of mine briefly before he met me and actually used the exact same lines with her – had their whole lives planned out!

Remember to listen to your gut.

If a guy is genuine, he’ll be happy to hang out, go on dates, and talk on the phone about normal things – not your future grandkids. He won’t be coming up with these grand ideas or wanting to rush things.

6) He’s evasive when you ask questions

Another big giveaway is when a guy is evasive.

I mean, when a guy really likes you, he will be open and honest with you, and he will be happy to talk about his past relationships, present situation, and future plans.

He’ll be happy to share himself with you and will welcome any questions you have.

However, if a guy is being evasive when you ask questions, he could be hiding something or he’s ashamed of his past and current situation.

For example, it’s possible that he’s hiding a relationship from you. Maybe he even has kids.

Also, if he only wants to get into your pants, he’s not going to want to get close to you – that means that he’s not going to want to share anything about his life with you.

The bottom line is that if a guy won’t answer your questions, it is a clear sign that he has something to hide or that he’s not being genuine.

7) He doesn’t introduce you to his friends and family

When a guy is serious about you and sees you as part of a future, he will take you out to meet his friends and family.

He knows that this is important to you and will want to show you off to the people who matter to him.

However, if a guy is just out to get his next lay, he won’t want to introduce you to the people in his life.

Instead, he will keep you in the shadows and away from anyone who might be able to see through him.

Meeting the people in his life is a great way to check out a guy – to see what he’s like with other people and see how he feels about you.

If he won’t introduce you to the people who matter to him, you need to ask yourself why.

8) He spends a lot of time talking about other women

Why would a guy who really likes you keep talking about other women?

Think about it: If he’s into you, he won’t spend hours boasting about all the women he has slept with or all the women he finds hot.

Instead, he’ll be focused on you and your relationship, he won’t have other women on his mind.

So, if the guy you’re dating keeps on talking about other women, it is a sign that he has an unhealthy desire for sex and likes to show off. He thinks he’ll impress you by telling you about all his conquests and he may even try to make you feel like you’re lucky to be in his presence.

My advice? Get away from this sleazebag as quickly as your feet will carry you.

9) He’s constantly flaking on plans or showing up late

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We all flake on plans from time to time, but when it happens frequently, it is a sign that the person is not serious about you and your relationship. I mean, it’s pretty rude and inconsiderate, don’t you think?

If a guy is genuinely interested in you, trust me, he will be on time! He won’t flake on plans and if something ever comes up, he’ll be sure to make it up to you.

So if a guy is constantly flaking or showing up late – unless he’s a doctor or fireman saving lives – it’s a sign that he is not serious about you, and that you’re just another hookup, when he has nothing better to do.

10) He’s only interested in hooking up with you at parties

No drinks? No dinner? No cinema?

Look, if a guy is only interested in hooking up with you at parties, I don’t think he’s all that into you.

He’s probably a player who is not interested in a relationship and likes the rush that comes from hooking up with a different girl every weekend.

Bottom line: If he is not interested in taking you on a real date and only wants to meet up at parties, he’s only interested in hooking up with you and he doesn’t want anything else.

11) He doesn’t ask about your day, but only wants to talk about himself

Does he ever ask about your day? Does he even care what goes on in his life? Or is it all about him?

Look, when a guy likes you, he’s going to be curious about you. He’s going to ask about your day – not just to be polite, but because he is genuinely interested.

He’ll want to know as much about you as possible. He will want to know what happened at work, how your projects are coming along, and even how your cat is.

So if the guy you’re dating only ever talks about himself and his interests, chances are he doesn’t really care about you. He’s only there for the sex and has such a huge ego that he thinks you want to hear about his favorite football team or how much money he spent on sneakers.

12) He says he loves you but only when you have sex

Saying “I love you” during sex, and only during sex is not a great sign.

People get carried away in the heat of the moment and will say almost anything because they feel good.

But a real love connection is not based only on sex. If he can’t tell you he loves you when you’re not in bed, then you need to ask yourself if he really does.

You can try telling him you love him when you’re having dinner or an intimate conversation and see how he reacts. If he says he loves you too, then you can be sure he’s for real. But if he seems uncomfortable or goes quiet, then you’ll know where you really stand.

And if that’s the case, what can you do? How do you get him to actually love you?

It all goes back to what I mentioned before: the hero instinct.

When a man feels wanted, needed, and respected by you, his hero instinct will be triggered and he’ll do anything for you. He’ll be the man that you need him to be. He’ll love you more than he’s ever loved anyone before and he’ll do anything to keep you happy.

All in all, if you want him to love you when you’re not having sex, you need really to hear what James Bauer has to say.

Here’s a link to the free video again.

13) He goes quiet after you have sex

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If a guy stops calling you after you have sex with him, the reason why is simple: he doesn’t want to see you again. Let’s face it, he’s gotten what he wanted and just isn’t interested in seeing you again.

Instead of breaking up with you or telling you that he doesn’t want to see you again, he’ll do the cowardly thing: disappear and leave you wondering why he’s vanished. This is called “ghosting” and unfortunately, it’s more popular than ever before.

He’s a coward who wants to evade responsibility for his actions.

But don’t let that get to you. The important thing is to stay positive and try again with someone else; love could strike at any moment!

*And here’s a little tip, woman to woman: If you’re looking for a serious relationship, don’t be so quick to get into bed with someone you don’t know very well.

14) He forgets your name

I mean, really?

If a guy forgets your name, is it worth even asking yourself if he’s genuinely interested in you?

If you think that someone who really likes you could forget your name then you’re living in denial.

15) He keeps telling you to lighten up

Don’t you just hate it when a guy tells you to “lighten up” or to “smile baby”? I know I do.

Let’s face it, he’s a player. He doesn’t actually want to see you happy. He won’t really try to make you feel relaxed or to be yourself.

If a guy keeps telling you to “lighten up”, he’s only interested in you if you are exactly what he wants – someone cheerful and pretty to enjoy.

He wants you to be the “ideal you” that he’s created in his head. If you don’t want to lighten up and you’re not feeling particularly cheerful, you don’t have to smile or pretend for him.

16) He flirts with other women

A guy who flirts with other women when he’s with you is a player. He’s probably trying to boost his ego and make you feel jealous.

If he’s flirting with other women while he’s dating you, that’s a sign that he’s not interested in a relationship and just wants to have fun.

But if you really like this guy and want him to have eyes only for you – you really need to work on triggering his hero instinct. It’s the only way.

By doing that you’ll be setting yourself apart from all the other women he might be interested in.

So what are you waiting for? Trigger his hero instinct and get him to commit to you, and only you.

Here’s a link to the free video again.

He’s genuinely interested in you

Finally, if you want to know if a guy is genuinely interested in you, he’ll show it in lots of little ways.

He’ll want to spend time with you, he’ll ask you about your day and he’ll show an interest in what’s going on in your life. He’ll be attentive, open, honest, and sincere.

He’ll want to know as much about you as he can, and he’ll let you into his world. He won’t play games with you or lead you on.

He’ll want to see where things go naturally and organically, and he won’t be in any rush to force the relationship forward before you’re ready.

You’ll get the impression that he’s very happy to be with you and would rather spend time with you than anyone else.

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Picture of Tina Fey

Tina Fey

I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. I'm writing for Ideapod to try and find it again. Hope you enjoy the journey with me.

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