I’m falling in love with a married friend and it’s becoming obvious to everyone, especially his wife. Should I deny it or confess?

First, let’s address the root of your feelings. Sometimes, unrequited love or unexpected feelings for a close friend can arise due to various reasons: emotional proximity, admiration, or even a subconscious desire for stability and affection that you see in John’s relationship. However, recognizing the origins of your feelings doesn’t excuse acting on them, especially when it involves a married person.

You mentioned you never considered John as a romantic prospect before, which suggests that your feelings might be more about the qualities you admire in him, qualities you’d like in a partner, rather than a deep-seated romantic love. Reflect on this—are you truly in love with John, or are you in love with the idea of him and what he represents?

Next, consider the consequences of your actions. If you pursue these feelings, you risk not only your friendship with John but also his marriage and the trust his wife placed in you. Is this something you’re willing to jeopardize? The late-night texts are already a red flag, and John’s wife has noticed. Continuing down this path will likely lead to more pain and regret for all parties involved.

To move forward, you need to take decisive steps to protect yourself and those around you:

1. Set Boundaries: Limit your interactions with John to group settings and avoid situations where you might be alone with him. This will help you manage your feelings and prevent any actions you might regret later.
2. Reflect on Your Desires: Spend time understanding what you’re truly seeking in a relationship. Use this situation as a learning experience to identify the qualities you want in a partner and redirect your focus to finding someone who is available and with whom you can build a future.
3. Communicate Honestly: You need to address your feelings head-on, not by confessing them to John, but by being honest with yourself about why these feelings have surfaced. Consider seeking the help of a therapist or a counselor to navigate these complex emotions.
4. Distance Yourself Temporarily: It might be beneficial to take a step back from your friendship with John. Distance can provide clarity and help you gain perspective on your feelings. Use this time to focus on your personal growth and well-being.
5. Strengthen Other Relationships: Surround yourself with supportive friends and engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. This will help you build a stronger emotional foundation and reduce the intensity of your feelings for John.

Remember, your feelings, while valid, do not justify actions that could harm others. By prioritizing self-awareness and integrity, you can navigate this challenging situation with grace and come out stronger on the other side. 

All the best, 

Evie