Tina Fey
There’s this notion about healthy relationships where people think it happens when 2 “completely healed” people meet.
And what ends up happening is that people start to normalize being excessively hard on their partners to “grow.”
If it’s not a perfectly mature and stable partner they want, it’s someone who is totally independent.
At that point, why get into a relationship at all?
Commitment isn’t just about wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone. It’s about investing your time and patience by being emotionally available.
Here are 10 ways that your partner can demonstrate a willingness to stick by you – through thick and thin.
1) They never get tired of reassuring you
Unrealistic expectations are a form of conditional love.
Even if it’s not explicitly implied, they suggest that relying on someone for reassurance is too much to ask for.
I agree that it can become overburdening when someone relies on you to keep them happy. But the difference here is that your partner knows what they need and want.
And by asking for them, they don’t require you to constantly regulate them on their behalf.
Because truth be told, insecurities aren’t solely related to how a person views themselves. They can also be triggered by change!
That’s why trust and patience are such important pillars in a relationship if you both want to grow.
And while you should never feel like you’re gambling away your happiness, a part of this is getting to know your partner over and over again.
2) They’re willing to get to know you over and over again
A person who shows themselves grace is able to view everyday as a new opportunity to try again.
And a partner who can do that for themselves, will extend that compassion to you by staying curious about you.
That means they won’t hold grudges against you, and don’t expect you to stay the same either.
Nor will they stop putting in effort to keep the relationship full of surprises. Like they’re Nancy Drew, and you’re a mystery they love to solve.
3) They stick by you even when you’re in the wrong
This can be a touchy subject because again, we are told to put ourselves first in relationships.
For example, I had a hard time with running away from intimacy and confusing it with self-preservation.
It felt like every time I was called to be patient, that was time and energy I could be putting towards someone “better.”
The key was in unlearning toxic perfectionism and ideals surrounding love so that I could stop projecting standards onto others that I couldn’t even fulfill.
Which I learned about through Ruda Iande’s video on Love and Intimacy. It’s free, only 10 minutes long, and you should definitely check it out.
He talks about everything from how you can pierce through the ruse that is self-sabotage, and how to empower yourselves.
So you can improve how you love, not just your partner, but yourself and the rest of the world.
Because if intimacy is about accepting each other as we are instead of how we “should be,” then learning how to approach challenges together can make all the difference.
4) They aren’t afraid to confront you and keep you accountable
Not only does this show how they want the best for you, but also how they believe that you are capable of becoming a better version of yourself.
Their sincerity will be felt in the way they communicate.
Meaning they won’t talk to you in a patronizing way or like you’re on trial.
Nor will they give you a bunch of ultimatums that make you feel like you’re out of control.
When someone loves you enough to be honest with you in this way, it is also a sign that you’re both on each other’s level.
No power imbalances here, and that means they’ll be just as willing to hear you out if you ever did the same for them.
5) They aren’t afraid to look inwards and keep themselves accountable
It takes courage to look at yourself in the mirror and not be afraid.
Of your shadows, potential and all.
And while you should always have a metaphysical mirror that you use to keep yourself accountable, a healthy relationship can do that for each other.
So observe how they act during disagreements or confrontations. Are they trying to understand or are they trying to invalidate you to validate themselves?
This is why compassion and self-awareness are so interconnected because it makes you realize that it’s okay to not be perfect.
Allowing you both to turn your focus and energy to how you can uplift and help each other feel more understood.
6) They take care of you when you’re sick
They’d rather be upside down with you than right side up elsewhere.
Let’s be real here, life is so unpredictable.
You never know what turns your health could take, or what other unforeseen circumstances there are.
So this applies to mental health crises and even financial troubles that are out of our control.
Not only does this demonstrate their ability to nurture unconditionally, but it also shows how their love for you is greater than their fear of the unknown.
Greater than what they love about what you can do for them.
So if your partner is willing to love you even when you aren’t feeling your best, cherish them.
For helping you get better, but also for creating a space where love doesn’t have to be something transactional.
7) What is yours is theirs and vice versa
Being overly independent can also sabotage good relationships by not being willing to merge resources.
Sure, you can keep certain things to yourself as it progresses. But at the end of the day, this kind of sabotage isn’t really about wanting to be selfish.
It’s about a fear of loss and the consequences if you were to ever separate.
This isn’t limited to material possessions. It includes their willingness to introduce you to their family and friends.
It’s something that might seem simple or even expected, but the sentiment shouldn’t go underappreciated.
Especially if your relationship has faced a lot of different phases and their love only grows with every one of them.
That means they see the value of growing with you.
8) They are willing to restart their life with you
It’s true that we should always seek change for ourselves and from within.
But it’s no secret that love has a way of speaking to parts of us that we believed to have died a while ago.
Same way how you wouldn’t learn how to be in a relationship until you get in one. And more importantly, with the right person.
What’s important here is that it’s mutual, and happens naturally where your presence helps them love themselves even more.
It sounds magical and maybe it is – but that doesn’t mean it’s unrealistic.
Which is why it’s so important you don’t settle for someone who tries to change you by being disparaging to your mental health.
So with that being said!
If your partner feels inspired to get in better shape, or perhaps move across the country with you (not for you), you know they’re a keeper.
9) They stand up for you even if it risks them being in conflict
Another way a lot of relationships remain conditional is how one partner might value their reputation over the other person.
Or simply lack the sensibility to prioritize their partner over others.
I don’t mean that they should agree with you all the time or blindly choose you over others.
This is about having integrity.
That they won’t allow other loyalties to get in the way of the one with themselves, even if it creates discomfort in their lives.
How your partner defends you in front and behind closed doors says loads about their faithfulness as well.
So along with having your back, they’ll put in the effort to make sure you never have to rely on the benefit of the doubt to feel safe in the relationship.
10) They would love you even if you weren’t together anymore
This one’s rarer than I’d like to admit.
But again, not impossible.
So many people confuse possessiveness with love. It’s why a lot of people are afraid to leave relationships that they aren’t happy in.
Because it would mean that they lose the love the other person had for them and become abandoned completely.
I agree, it’s unrealistic to expect someone to love you the same way as they would in the relationship.
But you don’t have to be friends or lovers to wish the best for someone. To love them as a person and not for their role in your life.
It just makes you think, that’s all.
What makes someone a keeper isn’t about how much they are willing to sacrifice for you.
Although it certainly helps.
Jokes aside, it’s about a person’s heart. Their ability to put their ego aside to understand the rarity that is to experience such a thing as real love.
A part of that is prioritizing you despite all the uncertainties and limitations in life. But what makes it unconditional is the acceptance of it all.
When you think of it like that, it reframes why we commit to one another – because it’s rare.
So hold on, not for the fear of losing them, but because you can.
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