Choosing your mate in life is as important a decision as you’ll ever make.
You don’t want just to settle and regret it when it’s too late.
The thing about love is that we tend to attract what we feel we deserve.
So if you want to have a quality partner in life, you have to start working on yourself before anything.
For many of us, true love is just a few tweaks away.
In this article, I’ll walk you through the habits you need to drop, if you want real, undeniable love.
Let’s dive in!
1) Insecurity and jealousy
From my experience, there are fewer more efficient routes to turning a partner off than consistently being jealous.
Our relationships should represent safe spaces, ones that are built on a foundation of trust and security.
We should be able to relax and be ourselves around our partners, and not have to tiptoe around them for fear of upsetting them.
Experiencing bouts of unfounded jealousy may be incredibly common in relationships but it’s behavior that shouldn’t be normalized.
By regularly questioning your partner’s actions or feelings, you’re creating a toxic and hostile environment–not exactly an ideal setting for passionate romance.
So if you have jealous tendencies, you have to take control of the situation. Get to the root of things, and seek professional help if necessary.
I guarantee you: Any quality partner will not put up with your jealous and possessive tendencies for very long.
2) Poor communication
I’ll give it to you straight: if you’re not efficiently communicating, your relationship is doomed to fail.
And by fail, I don’t just mean breaking up outright–you could be looking at a lengthy, unsatisfying, miserable, dragged-out union that eats away at you and your well-being.
I’m no fan of cliches, but this one is certainly true: communication is at the foundation of any thriving relationship.
The healthiest romances out there are where both partners are able to express their feelings honestly and openly without judgment.
By talking it out, they’re able to mitigate misunderstandings and feelings of resentment.
From wanting to ask out your crush to setting boundaries in a long-term relationship, effective communication is always a necessary prerequisite.
3) Being constantly negative
When I was a young adult, I used to think being pessimistic made me look cool and edgy.
I’ve learned from experience that the latter is not often the case.
I remember a few years ago, I went out on a few dates with a girl I really liked.
She was smart, funny, good-looking, worldly.
She ticked all the boxes. I was smitten, almost in disbelief that I could score such a catch.
This conclusion was premature.
We were out to dinner one night, and I noticed her looking sullen and distracted, picking on the piece of wasabi on her plate of sashimi.
She wasn’t eating.
I asked her what was wrong and she told me, “I can’t see you anymore, you’re just too negative“.
This was a bit of a shock to the system, but one I sorely needed to hear.
Looking back, she was right, I was just getting a little too negative, too cynical for my own good.
A habit I needed to unlearn.
In the context of a relationship, chronic negativity or pessimistic outlooks can be emotionally draining for everyone involved.
From that point on, I started to gradually embrace positivity–and over time, the quality of bonds in my life began to noticeably improve.
Lesson learned.
4) Not compromising
The best relationships are about give and take, about compromise, and fairness.
Being rigid and unwilling to meet halfway is not the stuff of great love stories.
So if you want real, undeniable love you have to earn it, you have to make sacrifices.
When a one-sided relationship is perpetuated, your partner will catch on quickly–and this will almost always end badly.
But this is avoidable too, with a bit of effort.
Start compromising.
If your partner cooks dinner, you do the dishes.
If they walk the dog in the morning, you have to reciprocate the gesture later in the day.
Or if they watched your favorite series with you last night, you should do the same for them tonight.
You get the gist.
5) Holding onto past baggage
Being hung up on the past can prevent you from becoming your best self and fully investing in new relationships.
You’ll constantly have a foot out the door, dwelling on bygone experiences rather than being present for the new ones.
Before embarking on a fresh romance, you want to be able to give the best version of yourself to the relationship, particularly at the beginning.
So if you haven’t healed properly from past hurts, this will invariably hold you back from golden opportunities.
Once you move on, you’ll notice a whole new world open to you.
If you haven’t already, start letting go of grudges.
The fate of your love life is at stake.
6) Deprioritizing quality time
In a relationship, once things become too routine and predictable, this can be a concerning sign.
You run the risk of your life together growing stale.
The importance of quality time together, therefore, cannot be overstated.
You can be together 24/7 without spending quality time.
You can be in each other’s physical presence all day, but if you’re preoccupied working or scrolling through your devices, this doesn’t quite qualify as quality time.
Quality time means mindfully engaging in meaningful activities that can strengthen your bond.
Quality time can mean things like cooking meals, booking staycations, or even watching the latest true crime thriller together on Netflix.
Once life gets too flat and unexciting, romance tends to fade.
7) Over-dependency
Sometimes, we get so caught up in our relationships that we lose our sense of identity.
It’s easy to fall into this trap.
Love has a way of sweeping us off our feet, we should not let that feeling define who we are, however tempting the option may be.
Relying too much on your partner for contentment and satisfaction can be unhealthy, not to mention overwhelming for them; it can manifest as clingy, needy, or overbearing behaviors.
Hence, it’s important to be able to establish boundaries.
Maybe on certain days you catch up with friends or pursue hobbies, both new and old, without them.
Prioritizing regular “me time” will go a long way.
8) Neglecting self-care
Speaking of ‘me time’, if you aren’t fully committed to self-care, don’t expect your relationship to be perfect.
Remember, your well-being is crucial and should be treated as such.
Sometimes, we get so immersed in the routine and stresses of life that we forget about our own needs.
Schedule activities that you genuinely enjoy and find relaxing, be it spending time with family or friends, practicing mindfulness, or pursuing a creative outlet.
Eat well. Get regular exercise. Seek help if needed.
Your own health and happiness are critical for a balanced life.
If you’re not looking after yourself, it can be tough to be fully present and engaged in a relationship.
9) Comparing your relationship to others
Remember, comparison is the thief of joy–a sentiment that certainly extends to our relationships.
We live in the golden age of comparisons.
A brief scroll through social media, and we’ll see an array of deeply romantic, loving couples.
Friends, acquaintances, strangers… everyone seems to be living their best life online.
Naturally, we might feel compelled to compare our situation to theirs–with ours often failing to measure up.
Be wary of this way of thinking.
Every relationship is unique and has its own strengths and weaknesses–and yes, even the carefully curated romances you see on the gram are not perfect.
Constantly comparing yours to others’ can create unrealistic, unattainable perceptions, and feelings of perpetual discontent.
If you’re happy then own it. Nothing else matters.
Final words
Real, undeniable love won’t just magically land on your lap.
Like anything of value, to achieve it you need to put the work in.
Letting go of the bad habits that stand in your way is an ideal place to start.
Once you make the transition and start realizing your best self, great things will come your way–something that will very well extend to your love life.
So keep moving forward, with growth always top of mind.
The romance of your dreams is well within your reach if you want it to be.
